WILDCARD CHAOS REPORT: The Fucking Chargers, Man
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–I usually love Wildcard round because it tends to provide the most variety and potential for chaos, but sometimes you get weeks like this. Mostly blowouts.
But boy that start sure was fun! I knew the Texans were capable of winning the game, but wow. All that goodwill that the Chargers mustered this year by being a steady and fairly reliable team…poof! Chargering cannot be stopped. Justin Herbert threw 3 picks all year. He threw 4 against Houston. This game started HORRIBLY for the Texans. They fumbled the very first play they had from scrimmage. They couldn’t do a thing the entire first quarter. Stroud tried to throw a ball away and it got picked off. But that defense held firm. Then they caught a lucky break. A play that honestly should have been a safety was not called as such, and the team then marched 95 yards into the endzone. The Chargers, trying to anticipate getting the ball back before halftime, called a timeout late on this long drive. They indeed got the ball back, instantly went three and out, and the Texans scored a field goal to go up 10-6 in a game that was 6-0 until 58 seconds before the half. The level of self-ownage there was impeccable. The Chargers never stood a chance. Chargering is a thing of beauty. From then on it was just embarrassment after embarrassment for those Chargers. Late in the game they finally scored a long TD to Ladd. Finally showed life. The Texans would block the PAT and run it back. Outstanding work, gentlemen. I am in awe.
However it’s always kinda sad when the opening act is way funnier than the main comedian.
Ravens/Steelers was mostly as expected. The Ravens crushed the Steelers in the first half, running on them at will. A few Russ moon balls put the Steelers breifly back into the game but it was never close. The Steelers once again enter the playoffs as above-average frauds and exit without a win. Wanna see a really funny post? Here you go. I don’t like the idea of calling Tomlin a bad coach, but we seem to be approaching that Andy Reid in Philly level of maybe moving on is best for both sides.
Broncos/Bills was fun for one drive. Then it was just a total beatdown. There are a lot of reasons for Broncos fans to be happy anyway. They came into the year with a horrid dead-cap situation, a rookie QB everyone wrote off, and they made the playoffs anyway. Despite the blowout ending to a much more complete team, Denver fans can feel optimistic for now. I am very excited to draw Bonix for years.
Packers/Eagles was a fucking mess. The Packers possessed the ball for 7 whole seconds before coughing it up. Of course, they didn’t actually cough it up, but the officials apparently don’t have skycam and they called the fumble for the Eagles. Okay, so we are starting off this game with a blown call. Great omens! The vibes were indeed rancid for Green Bay. Jordan Love was all over the place. He’d throw an absolute dart, and then a total yolo ball. He’s Farve. If you went into this game hoping to get a better sense on who Jordan Love will be as a QB, it probably didn’t give you a good feeling. The Packers wasted a genuinely great defensive performance that kept the Eagles in check. Josh Jacobs provided the only spark on offense all day with a total Rhinocerous charge to breifly make the game curious. If I’m an Eagles fan, I’m happy with the win, but kinda worried about how ineffective the offense was. Also, if I am Saquon, I totally house that final run, do the Marshawn Dick Grab as I fly into the endzone, and yell SAQUON DEEZ NUTS. I guess he’s classier than me.
If there was at least one good game all weekend, it was Bucs/Commies. Finally, some competitive fucking food. To be honest, it felt like every single 2024 Commanders game. The Commies control the ball, the score stays close, and then Jayden comes in clutch when it matters. This is a wonder team who is already playing with house money and just had the first playoff win in 19 years. I will hate this team very soon, but as of right now, I’m happy for them. I hope Dan Snyder watched it and choked on his drink.
We ended the weekend with a fat thud. Instead of ruminating on the Vikings pathetic end, I just want to remember something. Something I wrote at the bottom of a post way back in October. I called this shit. The Vikings enter a very interesting offseason. Darnold reverted back to Jets Darnold in these last two games, so what do the Vikings do? My guess is they franchise him so they can trade him for something.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
*stands in front of the mirror*
You fool. You rube. You fucking dunce. You sat down last week, looked at the motherfucking Chargers, and went “they seem different this year!” and published that thought. You fucking dipshit. You absolute moron. You dumbass supreme. You deserve this.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The Commies win on a doink that bounces in. Miracle stuff. They on that Chiefs shit.
–Not the only doink of the weekend!
–The best stiff arm of the week somehow does not belong to Derrick Henry. It belongs to Dallas Goedert, who blew the Eagles game open with this absolute steamroll of a TD. If I was that Green Bay DB, I would have simply retired after that. That extra little shove at the end was so mean. At least Minkah Fitzpatrick kinda helped tackle Henry.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The blocked PAT was maybe the hardest I’ve laughed all year. It was perfect. It was beautiful. Art.
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–The only turnover in Bucs/Commies was probably the moment this game was lost for Tampa. Just a massive mistake at the worst moment.
CHAOS WATCH
–Well, the Texans cleared my expectations. That defense remains legit. Maybe they can do something to KC? Man, that would be so awesome. Texans would be my team of the year if they pull this off.
FRAUD WATCH
–I’d be a little concerned after that game as an Eagles fan. I thought the Eagles and Ravens felt the strongest coming in. The Ravens delivered, but despite the game feeling awful for the Packers all day, the Eagles couldn’t get the offense going.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–This was between the Chargers and the Vikings. The Vikings unfortunately ran into one of the few teams that seemed to have their number in the regular season and the Rams were probably emotionally motivated by the environmental catastrophe back in LA. The Vikings were also a major let-down last week, so this one doesn’t quite surprise as much. The Chargers? The Chargers faced the team most of us called for dead. They put up their worst game of the year instead. Outright disappointing way to end a promising year. Daniel Jones still has more playoff wins than Justin Herbert and Tua combined.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Broncos had one cool deep bomb and that was it. They may as well have ended the game after the Bills retook the lead. I don’t even remember a single play from the second half I was so zoned out.
PICTURES OF THE WEEK!
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
TEXANS @ CHIEFS
One day the Texans will play a playoff football game on Sunday. If they can beat these irritating ass Chiefs, they can do it next weekend! Obviously it’s hard to have much faith. Unlike the Chargers, the Chiefs only have good voodoo. I hope the game is close at the very least.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as a bull, stampeding the 3-peat
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Mahomes Kermit as a dark wizard
COMMIES @ LIONS
DAN BOWL! I love that the NFL has two coaches named Dan who look pretty much the same. Now we find out who is the Danny Boy and who is the Daniel Man. The Lions have the edge, but that depleted defense might pose an issue. Jayden Daniels is not easily rattled the way Sam “lmao you fuckers actually trusted me” Darnold. If the Lions can control the clock and run it down the Commies throats that’s probably the win.
If the Commies win, I will draw Comrade Jayden Daniels destroying the grave of evil capitalist Henry Ford
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell as king of all Dans
RAMS @ EAGLES
We might be underestimating these Rams. The defense is stout. The run game is good. The receivers are healthy. Stafford is still slinging it. The Packers kept the game close by shutting down Saquon all day and forcing Jalen Hurts to beat them through the air, which he wasn’t very good at. If the Rams can do the same thing, they might be primed to take this upset. Hard to actually give them the edge though.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay punching Nick Sirianni
If the Eagles win, I will draw AJ Brown casually reading “How to embarrass the Same ol’ Sorry Ass Rams” on the bench
RAVENS @ BILLS
Awful matchup for the Bills to draw, but I guess if you want to be the best, you have to beat the best. The Ravens are humming like a fine machine but the Bills also had the most dominating win of the weekend. Two teams who have spent the last half-decade struggling to get over that playoff hump and prove themselves. All signs point to this game being a classic. I hope it lives up to the hype.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry stiff-arming Football Moose into the shadow realm
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose, fierce and strong, naked as the day he was born, surrounded by the corpses of ravens
Nothing encapsulates the perpetual machine of futility and false hope that is the Vikings quite like tonight. What I saw tonight and last week was the team that everyone expected us to be before the season even started. Sam Darnold didn’t just turn into a pumpkin, he turned into an entire pumpkin patch.
The first time around with the Lions and Rams, we at least made it competitive. We made them have to *work* for those wins. But here? We didn’t even TRY to put up a fight. They immediately ran towards the nearest electric fence and pissed on it.
The team gave up in the third quarter. There’s no way around it. They just flat out *GAVE THE FUCK UP.* They meandered and wasted valuable time on the clock. They chose to let the timer tick down rather than make one last play before the end of the 3rd. And the coup de grâce? With 12 minutes left in the game down by 18 points…
We punt.
…
Is it any wonder why NOBODY takes this team seriously? Absolutely NOBODY fears this team. This is NOT a serious team. This team prioritizes chasing unflattering, embarrassing records over winning.
It’s like I said last week: when it comes to NEVER showing up when it matters, no team does it better than the Vikings.
And so here we are again. It’s 2022 revisited. An unbelievable season of hype moments just to be completely overshadowed by soul-crushing, predictable failure.
I’ll give credit where credit’s due. By definition, this is a successful season. We were lucky to win even just five games this season, and we went ahead and beyond. Too bad I now wish that we HAD ended the season 5-12, just so I wouldn’t feel betrayed. Again.
Silver lining is that our QB situation is more or less far easier to figure out.
I suppose I should mention that Cashman defensive TD that got taken away. Yes, that was total horseshit that should have been intentional grounding, but here’s the thing. Good teams overcome that and don’t let it kill their morale, like the Vikings just did.
What I saw during the regular season (except Week 18) was a team that pushed forward despite the opposition and found ways to win and give the fans hope and optimism. And to do that in what is a rebuilding year is commendable. As much as I’m venting about how it all ended for us, I was still impressed by how KOC was able to forge a path to the postseason despite the offseason we endured and how he revived Sam Darnold’s career.
But none of that matters now. Because it boils down to the same thing. This team NEVER shows up when it matters. And tonight and last week, we looked like a team that didn’t belong in the NFL, much less the playoffs.
See you next year, Vikings, for the same shit that I will still continue to shovel in my mouth, because I don’t know any better.
(Sorry, I just really needed to vent.)
“If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose, fierce and strong, naked as the day he was born, surrounded by the corpses of ravens”
The first image I had in my head was of football moose standing in a field of snow as the statue of David, only with the dead ravens covering his balls
Love the steelers one. FIRE TOMLIN
Can’t believe you didn’t mention Isaiah Likely’s stiffarm. The defender bounced off the turf! https://youtube.com/shorts/Kk66JWG1YtE?si=Gfk6EiJi5XWX4GyR
Rams-Eagles:
1) The gameplan Kellen Moore had against the Packers was just… awful. I have no idea what he was thinking. Hurts was out 3 straight weeks with a concussion, the Packers cover deep as well as anyone in the league, and yet you don’t have a bunch of short crossing patterns with AJ dialed up to get Hurts his timing back? I have to imagine that is something that will be fixed by next week
2) Yes, the Rams ran all over the Vikings offense, because the Vikings O-Line is apparently made of traffic cones. There’s absolutely no way that’s happening with the Eagles O-Line
3) The Rams played Monday night. They now have to travel across the country, and play in the bitter cold of Philly (current forecast: under 40, perhaps some rain and/or snow) on Sat afternoon. West Coast teams historically have problems with that schedule, even ignoring the massive weather change.
That’s not to say I’m expecting a blowout or anything, but I’d be surprised if it’s even a one-score game by early 4th quarter.
The Rams and Eagles are playing on Sunday, the NFL does not have the Monday night wildcard winner play on Saturday.
+7 million points for the “Ram It” reference.
Sam Darnold being chased by a ghost is a nice touch.
Andy Reid in Philly really is the perfect analogy for Tomlin rn. I’m a firm believer that it’s not his fault he keeps being given shitty rosters, but yeah a shift might be for the best for both parties.
As great as the stiff-arms from Henry and Dallas G were, The one from Isaiah Likely on Cameron Sutton is horrendously slept on – Bro got absolutely buried.
¨Then they caught a lucky break. A play that honestly should have been a safety was not called as such, and the team then marched 95 yards into the endzone.¨
No it wasn’t Intentional grounding, CJ Stroud got out of the tackle box before throwing it away. Our lucky break was that botched snap conversion on 3rd and 16, it finally woke the offense up and gave us momentum we needed.
Before the botched snap
Offense: 5 drives 0 points 66 yards 3 Punts 2 Turnovers
CJ Stroud: 8/14 67yds 0td 1int 39.8 rtg
Joe Mixon: 5att 16yds;
Nico Collins: 2rec 18yds
After the botched snap:
Offense: 5 drives 23 points 350 yards 1 punt 1 turnover
CJ Stroud: 14/19 215yds 1td 0int 128.2 rtg; 4att 44yds
Joe Mixon: 20att 90yds 1Td; 1 rec 13tds 1fmbl
Nico Collins: 5rec 104yds 1Td
Give credit to our defense, they shut Greg Romans running scheme and harrassed Herbert all day. They became the 4th defense ever to record a defensive touchdown, 4 interceptions, and 4 sacks in the game. The other 3? The 2002 Buccaneers, 2000 Ravens, 1989 49ers. (Not saying we are going to win a super bowl, but our defense played extremely well and played like a top tier defense outside of that 87-yard touchdown pass).