It is well established that the Eagles like pee pee and doo doo. There is no use in denying it. They love the pee pee and doo doo. You know how the police grease the lampposts? With their own liquid shits they get from eating those terrible nasty cheesesteaks. Know why Eagles fans climb up them anyway? Because they like licking and eating all the poop. This is a city full of people who think a good name for a sports team is the Phillies. What the fuck is a Phillie? A philistine. This city built a statue for a backup QB and a coach they fired 3 years later. They still have a statue dedicated to a fictional boxer who’s proudest achievement was going for a morning run up some steps and having his brother-in-law get a robot pal. Don’t believe any of them who tell you Nick Sirianni is a good coach. That’s all of them gaslighting you that they weren’t just calling for his head on a platter less than a season ago.
You ever eaten an “authentic” Philly cheesesteak? You ever get scolded by a Phillystine about it? Gotta have the cheese whiz! That’s what makes it authentic, the garbage chemical cheese-like product. I’ve had a million variations on the Philly cheesesteak, almost all of them are better than the actual thing. If I want liquid shits and heartburn for 3 days, I’ll go back and eat one.
The city is so proud of Ben Franklin. Yeah, the dude who wanted our national bird to be a fucking turkey. Then they named the football team the Eagles like they were trying to pretend Turkey Ben wasn’t sitting there jerking himself off through electrocution in the town square. You ever look at the Eagles logo? It’s the only one facing the wrong direction. Fuckers can’t even make eye contact with their opponents. Their best offensive play is violently shoving their own player on the ass. These dipshits are proud of a bell that doesn’t work.
They only have their star defensive lineman because he got a kid killed driving like a maniac in college and all the teams with some fucking morals didn’t draft him. The Philadelphia Zoo is the only zoo in the world where the animals are on the outside of the barriers. Philadelphia is the birthplace of the United States, and boy howdy look how that country is turning out. What a bad idea. The city was founded by a Quaker. You know, the Oat. The blandest of all breakfasts. Also religious nutcases. Philly is just an annoying traffic jam on I95 between more important East Coast cities. It shares a border with the stinker, lamer part of New Jersey.
Philadelphia Fans are like “what if Bills Fans but an angry drunk?” Their old stadium had a jail in it. They threw batteries at a baseball player. They hit Santa with snowballs. One of them punched a police horse. Okay, that last one is kinda based. I’d have more respect for Eagles fans if they punched more police horses and ate less of their shit.
Despite all of this, gotta say…still better than Dallas. A city so lame the only interesting thing to ever happen there was a president getting shot in the head. Cowboys fans might take umbrage with that but none of them can correct me because none of them have ever lived in Dallas.
Look man I had a very bad season. Ya’ll have forever to gloat about this year. Let me indulge being a childish hater for one day. Also I know someone is going to bring it up so here’s the famous Bill Burr Philadephia rant. Philadelphians can only get off when being shat on, what a giant bottom of a city.
Please go to the previous comic and vote for the chaos awards if you haven’t done so already! We need more Hall of Fame votes.
