The Draw Play

There was a false report this weekend about a political call for Kamala Harris called “White Dudes for Kamala” that included Joe Burrow, Jared Goff, and Daniel Jones. The call is real, but the three QBs involvement appears to have been false news, just someone on twitter without any evidence saying so. I bring this up because I saw the tweet that referenced Jones being involved and I had a sudden realization.

I don’t know who the fuck Daniel Jones is. I don’t know anything about him.

Jones has been the QB of my favorite team for half a decade now and I still have no idea what he is like as a person. Eli was famously kind of a dopey blank slate too, but he still had his actual personality shine through even in the early years. Think about most QBs you know who have lasted a few years or more in the league. Even if you don’t know much about any of them, you still get something from them. Kirk Cousins is a big goober Christian dad. Philip Rivers made babies and never cursed. Russell Wilson is a weirdo. Baker Mayfield is a brash asshole. Jalen Hurts likes to do heavy squats. Marcus Mariota is a very nice guy. They all have something we know about them as people. Hell, for people like Aaron Rodgers, we arguably know too much! I do not know fucking shit about who Daniel Jones is. I have a better idea about Tommy DeVito and Drew Lock, his mostly irrelevant backups, than I do about the man who has led my favorite team for years. It’s weird, right?

Jones has been the default setting in White Dude Simulator. The starter template you would then modify to create your character. His hair? Brown, trimmed nicely short, but not too short. His name? Maybe the most white guy name possible behind John Smith. His voice? Gently southern, but not strongly southern. He appears to have no actual personality at all. Maybe he’s really good at hiding himself from the public? Maybe he’s just the human equivalent of a used Toyota Corolla.

Here is a video of Daniel Jones doing a marketing stunt at Hugo Boss, pretending to be an employee, seeing if anyone recognizes him. Very few people do. The only thing you will learn about Daniel Jones in this video is apparently he knows at least a tiny bit of Spanish. Also you will be reminded of how big football players are compared to regular people. If Daniel Jones wasn’t a huge athletic specimen he would instantly and completely blend into any crowd.

The only flash of anything I’ve ever seen from Jones that gives him any flavor whatsoever is a short clip of him on-stage at a Zach Bryan concert. So at the very minimum, you can walk away from this post knowing that Daniel Jones likes Zach Bryan, so he probably likes country music. That hardly makes him unique, but hey, it’s something. When I watch that video my main takeaway is, again, “oh wow, Daniel Jones is pretty big”.

I used to think Jones was a lot like Eli. In temperament, I guess that’s still true. But outside not getting visibly rattled and carrying on through adversity he doesn’t have any of Eli’s more subtle traits. Eli was sassy. He was mischievous. He was a notorious prankster in the locker room. I can’t see Daniel Jones pranking people. I almost wish he would let loose a little more. Show something about who he is beyond processed American cheese or vanilla ice cream. I think it would give a lot of people something to root for about him. He has no swagger, no desire, no vibe. I feel almost nothing for the guy outside some projected pity for how much hate he gets for not living up to expectations. This is because I do not know Daniel Jones. Not even as a distant bystander. I don’t get any sense of who he is as a person at all.

To bring it back to the White Dudes for Kamala thing, of course it was fake that Jones was involved. I simply cannot fathom Daniel Jones having any political opinions. His favorite movie is probably like, the first Iron Man. His favorite TV show is the menu screen. He goes to a non-denominational Christian church. He only drinks tap water at room temperature. His favorite book is an IKEA instruction manual for a white 4-drawer dresser named TOMPOC. To quote one of my twitter followers: He thinks Imagine Dragons is “Pretty Intense”. Daniel Jones is the human equivalent of white drywall. He’s the discount, store-brand wonderbread. His favorite food is white rice and unseasoned chicken breast. He bought his entire wardrobe at Costco.

Who is Daniel Jones? Beats me. Turns out the nickname Vanilla Vick had more layers to it this whole time.