What’s In A Football Name?
Sorry if anyone expected a Missed Extra Points joke, I tried to make one but it went wide left. So here is a name joke that I actually made last week in prep for not having my tablet during thanksgiving. Yes, this comic was pre-made to this weekend. I HAVE BROKEN YOUR IMMERSION. But Dave, you ask, you drew the comic beforehand but didn’t write this post beforehand? No. Because I had to make two comics, in case of a Texans win and one for a loss. You will never see the other one. NEVER. It’ll haunt you like not knowing what would have happened if the Seahawks ran the ball. Or if Dez caught it.
You ever hear somebody’s name and just sort of know what they do for a living? That’s how I feel with Whitney Mercilus. I can’t really imagine him in any other profession. Maybe MMA or professional wrestling but if I heard his name in either one of those I’d assume it was a stage name and not his real name. With football his name is just on the right side of real enough. But not Whitney Mercilus, Accountant. Whitney Mercilus, regional manager of Arby’s. Dr. Whitney Mercilus, Children’s Pediatrician. But Whitney Mercilus, Linebacker? Yeah. Maybe Whitney Mercilus, Prosecuting attorney. The point is Whitney Mercilus never stood a chance. He was always going to be a linebacker.
Football names are fun and you can tell a good name by how easily you can make violence puns out of it. WHAT A MERCILUS GAME. LEGARRETTE BLOUNT FORCE TRAUMA. A JACKIE BATTLE TO THE END. HAHA C-Dix
There are some great names in the NFL right now. This is a little Key-and-Peele-y but name your favorites!
Lagarrette Blount
Whitney Mercilus
Barkevious Mingo
Blake Bortles
HAHA Clinton Dix
Prince Amukamara
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Fozzie Whittaker
Frostee Rucker
Hunter Henry
King Dunlap
Soon to be NFL player and current Michigan Wolverine Jake Butt (HE BETTER BE AN NFL PLAYER I WANT TO HEAR AL MICHAELS AND GRUDEN SAY JAKE BUTT ON LIVE TELEVISION)
It’s Legarrette Blount, not Lagarrette Blount.
Brian Dawkins.
No name even comes close to the supreme and terrible beauty that is Brian Dawkins. (also Weapon X is the best nickname. No other nickname even comes close.)
marshawn lynch isn’t in the nfl anymore, but his name does have a good sound to it.
Owamagbe Odighizuwa won my Best Name in the Draft Award in 2015.
I know it’s fun to joke about, but some of these names very literally restrict you to only playing some kind of professional sport. Let’s ne realy here, who’s going to hire a guy names D’Brickashaw or Barkevious? Maybe a fast food job at best.
It’s kind of depressing when you really think about it.
I’d put Frank Gore as a great NFL name
Bryan Anger is the best football name and it’s wasted on a punter.
Also Scott Player
F1 had a driver named Scott Speed, too bad he sucked
I hate ❌ichigan, go Bucks!
Isn’t it funny how an entire state becomes afraid of a letter? It’s like people in Harry Potter not being able to say Voldemort. I like to think of it like an old wives tale ignorant Ohioans tell their young children to brainwash them into liking something in Ohio. “Don’t use an M children, otherwise the maize and blue wolverine will eat your toes while your sleep!”
Actually this is 100% true
You forgot Baccari Rambo!
We were always fond of Junior Say-OWWW…
Dont’a Hightower.
No mention of the greatest football name ever created, Jim Bob Cooter. For shame.
Nothing will ever beat the amazingness that is Dick Shiner.
Wait, Jake Butt is a Tight End?
Mark Sanchez to Jake Butt for the TD
I know there are some defensive linemen out there that go by the name Tank, and I would just imagine them at the dinner table with their family going, “You NEED to eat now and you need to eat FASTER. Your name is TANK. You WILL play football.”
That’s before I realize Tank is usually a nickname
I equally love the names that sound like they should be an accountant or the regional manager of Arby’s, like most of the quarterbacks’ names.
I always liked Alge Crumpler, who sounded like he should be punting on the thames or courting Miss Dashwood, maybe playing a little cricket.
Sorry for the unrelated, but this seemed like the best place to go. After Sunday’s Cowboys game, one of the local broadcasters said that this Cowboys team was impossible not to like. Seeing as how this forum is a good mix of (usually) rational fans from across the league, he’s wrong, right? I’m a huge homer and I love the Cowboys, but surely some of you have good reasons to hate them, right?
Jerry still owns the team, right?
The announcer is wrong. The Cowboys are a love them or hate them team. There is no in-between. Either you are a Cowboys fan, or you hate them. I hate this team. I can be rational and say things like “The Boys are good” but no I do not like them Because Cowboys
The difference is likeable individuals on the team. I like Dak. I like Romo. I like Witten. I like Sean Lee. But I also hate them, because Cowboys.
I am contractually obligated to hate Texas everything (as it is the anti-Massachusetts amen forever), aaaaaaaaand i kinda like this iteration of the cowboyes
I know the Cowboys are still generally hated in Houston. That’s probably not changing. I do like Zeke a little bit because he’s on my fantasy team.
Let’s not forget that the Iowa Hawkeyes’ QB is named C. J. Beathard.
(it’s pronounced “beth-erd!”)
Mack Strong is the most football name that ever footballed.
Also soon to be in the NFL:
Taco Charlton
Corn Elder
Eddie McDoom
what about Lucky Whitehead
Dave, that list of names you gave is proof of why America needs a baby name list. Most of these are gibberish.
Orleans Darkwa
Brad Wing
Captain Munnerlyn
Thursday for the QB clusterfuck that was LA-Mimai
Also, today is my 19th b-day. go me
HOLY FUCK RASHAD JENNINGS IS BACK BABY
Seriously though, good to see Rashad and the Giants racking up the wins
Captain Munnerlyn almost sounds like a superhero name. Also former Lions defensive back Harry Colon.
What about Vince Wilfork? The dude is so huge, I bet he will fork you up for dinner.
Yes, yes, I know. Awful pun.
Pairs up well with Tedy Brewski
I applaud you, sir. That was fantastic!
Weston Steelhammer.
All your arguments are invalid.
D’brickashaw is retired
also Colo McCoy is the coolest name ever, but i could also see it as Colt McCoy: used car salesman
We all know Tim Fugger has the best name in the NFL.
Jihad Ward.
Back in the 60s and 70s, the Browns had a wide receiver named Fair Hooker.
I have a friend with the same last name, and he’s a college professor. Dr. Merciless sounds like a Bond villian to me.
Drake Tungsten
Vic Kevlar
Chad SlabBody
… oh dang, I thought this was Mystery Science Theatre names. My bad.
I *did*, however, see some sporting event this last weekend with the name “Dick Hammer” on the screen. I can’t remember which game, and am way too afraid to google “Dick Hammer” to confirm…..
Not current obviously, but I always thought you had to be extremely confident in your kid’s future to name him Champ Bailey.
Used to be a special teamer on the Eagles named JJ Outlaw
Its not Football but to this day nothing makes me laugh like hearing about Dick Trickle in NASCAR.
Pat Angerer.
Kind of perfect for a violent sport when you’re filled with so much fury you can’t even get it out right.
I’m not even a Lions fan, but Miles Killebrew and Darius Slay have very football names.
I think Captain Munnerlyn is an awesome over the top name. I’m pretty sure the announcers agree because they always take care to use his whole name whenever he does something.