WEEK 7 CHAOS REPORT: Predator Down! Next Predator Up
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–After last week it would have been hard to be disappointed in this week’s offerings. Thankfully we got some fun. The fun was DESHAUN WATSON IS DEAD! The Nasty Man’s Achilles clearly snapped on him and we no longer have to watch the gross boy. Just the lesser gross boy. Next Nasty Man Up. But the rest of the week gave us Marcus Mariota eating the Panthers for lunch after Jayden Daniels left the game with a rib injury. The Commanders man. They have turned the corner so fast. We laughed at them for losing out on Ben Johnson and hiring Dan Quinn, we mocked Kliff Kingsbury, and look at them now. They might go on a deep run provided Daniels is okay. Amari Cooper made an immediate impact for Buffalo and the Titans remain total shit. The Dolphins are just so utterly and completely pathetic without Tua.
The week also started with Sean Payton coming back to New Orleans and the Broncos just beating Spencer Rattler and the IRnts into a paste in front of Drew Brees. Also big ups to the Jaguars for being watchable! I didn’t watch them, I wasn’t waking up at 6am to watch the Jaguars play the Patriots, but they did indeed win a football game. The Lions also won! The Vikings finally ran up against a wall the GEQBUS couldn’t match, although the Vikings put up one hell of a fight to the end. The Packers and Texans also delivered the nonsense. We saw Michael Penix! The Falcons looked like the classic Falcons once more. On top of that, Russ! Russ looked less washed than Rodgers did in his Steelers debut. Benching Fields was the right move, who knew. There was also a game between the Rams and Raiders but unless you are a fan of either team why would you willingly put that in front of your eyeballs?
GIANTS CORNER
–There is being bad but competitive and being pathetic. While it still hurts to watch a bad team that always feels frustratingly close to actually putting it together continue to fail, at least you feel something. Sunday the Giants went from a team I could root for to a team I can ignore. This is the kinda game that gets regimes fired. If Daboll and Schoen get fired at the end of the year, this was probably the tipping point. Letting Saquon Barkley come back home and run for 175 yards and multiple touchdowns, putting up a whopping 3 points? I can’t imagine how angry Mara must be. How do you not change the gameplan when it became clear the lack of AT was a huge liability? How do you let this happen? Run the ball! Screens! To be honest I’m almost thankful I can just give up now. Pulling Jones with 12 minutes left to see what Drew Lock could do feels like Daboll was finally fed up. The season is toast, bench Jones, start the Italian, and evaluate what’s worth keeping.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Chiefs/49ers was a wild ride of a game. Both teams got silly picks right out of the gate. Brandon Aiyuk goes down with a likely ACL tear. Brock Purdy making stupid mistakes. Trent Williams punched a man and got ejected. The game ending on a whiffed onside kick attempt. I’ve never seen that happen! While the Chiefs are continuing to gut out these ugly wins despite Mahomes having one of the worst seasons as a passer in his career, the 49ers might actually just be…mid? I don’t know what happened to the 49ers but they are not delivering this year. They’ve struggled to make a difference late in games and just seem to fumble when they used to be smart. I’m not sure what’s wrong but something is off.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Tim Boyle, who probably was stunned to even be playing, throwing a terrible play on 4th down to end the game, like he didn’t even know what down it was. Outstanding stuff.
–Every Spencer Rattler dropback was an adventure.
–Seriously what the hell was this onside kick attempt
-The longest punt return in Jaguars/London history!
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–I didn’t actually cackle when Watson went down. It was more of a sharp inhale, waiting on baited breath to see if it was serious. I did, however, cackle just minutes later when DTR threw an awesome deep ball into the red zone and then a few moments after that when Chubb immediately scored. The offense instantly showing life after the death of Nasty Man was just too delicious.
-I also cackled when Mahomes took off down the sideline and then just kept going because defenders are afraid to touch him.
-My loudest cackle also featured a loud WHAT THE FUCK when this play happened.
BIG OOFS OF THE WEEK
-A NEW CATEGORY. Like Cackles of the week, this is a play that generates an involuntary sound out of my mouth. Unlike cackles, which tend to be funny, this is more of a wince. I will be honest, 99% of Big Oofs are ugly interceptions at inopportune times. I will introduce this new category with Brock Purdy, throwing a ball directly to a Chief in the endzone midway through the 4th quarter when the 49ers desperately needed to keep the game close. The game basically ended on that oof.
CHAOS WATCH
–The Browns! Now that the nasty man is out for the year we get to see what this offense looks like when someone who actually gives a shit is under center. DTR isn’t good, and Jameis is also a creep, but with Chubb back this team might actually find some function.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Chiefs are good, they will stay good, but they aren’t undefeated good. Mahomes has more picks than TDs. This offense isn’t fun to watch or performing well at all. At some point this team is going to drop a headscratcher against a mid to bad team and people will be confused, but they shouldn’t be. Still a Super Bowl favorite but this offense is rough.
–He’s not on the graph but I want to take a moment to say that Mike McDaniel is a fraud coach and should be considered as such. The Dolphins can’t operate a damn thing without Tua, and even with Tua this team only functions well against poor competition. This roster has talent on it. This is disgusting.
–The Colts are 4-3. Anyone who has watched a Colts game this year knows this team is a pile of shit, that has miraculously managed to win games against bigger piles of shit, and also the Steelers away in a classic Steelers trap.
–CJ Stroud looks humbled without Nico Collins out there.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Jets. This award isn’t so much for the week but for the year. The Jets, with Zach Wilson last year, were 4-3 at this point. The Aaron Rodgers experience is 2-5 and the offense is even worse. Make no mistake, the defense was better last year and Rodgers is better than Zach, but that’s what makes it so funny. The Super Team is a bust. They fired the defensive mastermind, sold cap space and picks for Davante Adams, and still suck.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–It brings me no joy to put the Giants here, but putting up 3 points at home against your hated rival is so utterly pathetic. The Eagles aren’t even good! You made them look fantastic!
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – HALLOWEEK!
VIKINGS @ RAMS
The Vikings lost but showed they are clearly still a good team. The Rams might get Kupp back but I doubt it’ll be enough to overcome this challenge on a short week.
If the Rams win, I will draw a Ram as the evil goat from The VVitch
PACKERS @ JAGUARS
The Jaguars second win will give this team shortlived joy, as now they begin the Doug Pederson firing talk once again.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Sexy Trevor as the big vampire lady from Resident Evil 8
CARDINALS @ DOLPHINS
Tua is theoretically coming back so maybe the Dolphins will be watchable again. I hope so. Still going Cardinals.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw a Tua as a horrifying fish man from Innsmouth
JETS @ PATRIOTS
Well the Jets have been through a big messy phase these past few weeks, but this outta get them back on track. Man, it would be funny if they lost this though.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye as leatherface
RAVENS @ BROWNS
The Browns get new life! Only to face a brick wall.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as a Gremlin
EAGLES @ BENGALS
The Bengals are like the 49ers: they have the potential to be pretty good but just aren’t delivering. The Eagles aren’t good either despite the Giants beatdown.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Shelob
COLTS @ TEXANS
The Colts should get wrecked. Get wrecked, Indy. Does anyone even like you without Joe Flacco?
If the Colts win, I will draw Anthony Richardson as a necromorph from Dead Space ending CJ Stroud
TITANS @ LIONS
I love it when we reach that time of the year when certain matchups look like snuff films.
If the Titans win, it’ll be a fucking miracle. Mason Rudolph as a Mummy I guess
FALCONS @ BUCS
Falcons won the last one, but I’m taking the Bucs to win this one.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirk Cousins as Phantom of the Dumpy
SAINTS @ CHARGERS
The Saints are starting their 5th stringers at this stage. Just fire Dennis Allen, what value does he bring?
If the Saints win, I will draw Spencer Rattler as Saintan
BILLS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks looked good again this week. Have they figured something out? Have the Bills as well? Maybe we got some good stuff in the works! I’ll be generous and go Hawks at home.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as the headless buffaloman, throwing his own flaming head through a table
BEARS @ COMMIES
Hard to bet against the Daniels revolution at this point. I have no desire to end up like the Romanovs.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Willams as a monster of the midway
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
Watch this be the game the Chiefs magically lose somehow. Can’t pick against them at this stage, but watch it be this one.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as a witch, boiling Kermit in a stew
PANTHERS @ BRONCOS
Well, the argument for Bryce not being the entire problem has some merit. The Panthers are still quite shit.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton as the devil from Fantasia’s Night on Bald Mountain
COWBOYS @ 49ERS
Here’s a bunch of mid losers duking it out for slight respect. The 49ers are reeling and just lost Ayuik, but the Cowboys are a mess, so I’ll go home team.
If the Cowboys win I will draw Jerry Jones as himself
GIANTS @ STEELERS
I hope they don’t play Daniel Jones and sacrifice Drew Lock to the altar of TJ Watt. Can’t risk Jones getting hurt.
If the Giants win, I will draw Dexter Lawrence as Cthulhu
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs as the girls from The Shining
“Hard to bet against the Daniels revolution at this point”
If it ends up being Mariota this week, will you change this bet?
Considering what he did to the Panthers, probably not
counterpoint: it was the panthers
Anybody would look humble behind our Offensive Line.
McDaniel should not have a job after this season imo, you have three quarterbacks and NONE of them have learned the system with a theoretically stacked offense
This is not a stacked offence. This is an offence with 4 great players, and two of them are injured. The rest of the offence is serviceable except for the interior of the offencive line, which is bad. Tua can mask how bad the interior ol is. The other qbs can’t
Stop picking the Seahawks, do you not want to draw them so badly?!
49ers are missing RB1, RB2, WR1, WR2, and TE1. That’s guys like CMC, Aiyuk, Deebo, and Kittle. Worst yet, a lot of these guys suited up, but then couldn’t really contribute in game (eg. Deebo took up a roster spot but only played 3 snaps). And that’s just the offense. Purdy still has this bad habit of trying to force the ball. He’s a 3rd year QB, so he might grow out of it, but that might just be how he is.
Mahomes using the threat of a penalty to make big plays has got to be the dumbest thing ever. slowing up acting like he’s going out of bounds and then jumping back inside after the defender avoids the penalty. They had better start only calling late hit when he’s clearly well out or we’re going to have a serious problem with this BS
“If the Cowboys win I will draw Jerry Jones as himself”
That would, by far, be the most nightmare-inducing thing you’ve ever drawn.
The Niners seem to have a Superbowl hangover. Brock played his worst game as a pro and CMC is out now with Aiyuk.
They need to beat Dallas and get CMC back if they want to keep the season afloat. Not impressed with Sorensen’s schemes.
Miami always makes an utter shitshow of protecting their QBs. Have done for decades. What’s happening with Tua is entirely on Grier.
You’re taking the bucs on a short week, when I have to look up who’s playing WR for them?
I dont think the colts are frauds, because nobody actually thinks they’re good. Probably the most popular >.500 team to pick against.