WEEK 6 CHAOS REPORT: PRESENTED BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Have the Vikings ever played a normal game? I cannot remember the last time the Vikings had a boring game. They are entertaining in close games. They are entertaining in blowouts, both ways. They refuse to be normal. They took on the Bears in the usual 2023 Vikings sloppy mess, knocked Justin Fields out, and won the game. That win included strip-sacking the undrafted backup QB, some guy. The Bengals defense has come to life and Burrow finally looks like he’s getting back to normal. The 49ers and Eagles both getting knocked into the loss column in one week was spectacular. It was interesting to see Brock Purdy play an actual defense and struggle, and he did not look good. Purdy has been a lightning rod of discussion this year, the focal point of a classic “system QB or not” argument. I’ll probably have to make a comic about it. The Broncos defense finally showed up against the Chiefs of all teams…only for Russ to fall back into his bad habits. I guess only one side of the ball in Denver can function at once. As for the other outcomes? Ridder is not him. Mac Jones is definitely not him. I can’t believe Matt Patricia got fired and the Patriots offense got worse. Stroud and the Texans continue to impress despite flaws, and the Saints became unwatchable again. The Panthers also briefly flirted with success by going up 14-0 on the might Dolphins. They lost 42-21. The Panthers are bad. Not a good year to be lacking the top pick. Chicago is still on pace to own the top 2 picks in the draft. Lastly I want to give a kudos to the Cardinals. The Cardinals are bad, but they aren’t tanking. They are the latest in a long line of teams who look like the worst team ever going into the season only to show some fight and only be pretty bad instead. Finally, the Chargers Chargers’d once more.
GIANTS CORNER
Bench Daniel Jones. I mean it. Watching Tyrod against the Bills, behind an offensive line that could barely be considered patchwork, with the same basic weapons Jones has had, made it very clear that Daniel Jones is suffering from David Carr Syndrome. Yeah, Saquon being back definitely helped take some pressure off Tyrod but our left tackle that game shortly into the first was a guy coming off an ACL tear, who hadn’t played football in over a year, on another team. Watching Tyrod throw the ball on time even under pressure was illuminating because so many of those plays would have been Daniel Jones getting sacked. Bobby Okereke is turning into a stud pickup and the defense was impressive. Tyrod has his own flaws and that screw-up before half was inexcusable, but that’s like 1 inexcusable mess-up compared to so many by Jones. The schedule lightens up a bit now and since the season is toast I hope Daboll and company take the time to reset things and figure stuff out to plan for the offseason. If they keep Jones off the field for a bit, let him mentally reset, maybe it’ll help. The Giants aren’t likely to win the Caleb Sweepstakes anyway, but one of the next top QB options might work.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
The Jets earned their first win against the Eagles. EVER. LITERALLY EVER. The Jets had never beaten the Eagles in franchise history. Imagine how good this Jets team would be with Rodgers back there, it makes me sick. Instead, we have Chaos Jets, an incredible team carrying Zach Wilson to victory as hard as he crawls in the opposite direction. Jalen Hurts looked terrible against the stud defense, and honestly, the Eagles look off this season despite their record. Im not willing to call fraud yet but red flags are starting to show.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
The Giants messing up before the half was one of the dumbest things we’ll see all year. Im not sure exactly what happened there, looked like Tyrod checked into a run play option, but why was running the ball even on the table in that situation? One pass, kick the field goal if it fails. Absolute team brainfart. Also, I want to give a shoutout to one of my favorite High Chaos plays, the QB catching his own pass. That play is rare and funny every time.
CHAOS WATCH
The Jets are hamstrung by a bad QB, but Rodgers is now throwing balls (gently) without crutches on the sideline, and this team is otherwise good enough to make everything a struggle. They might just fuck around enough to land a lower seed with Zach fucking Wilson at QB.
FRAUD WATCH
The Bills. The Bills went to London and laid an egg against the Jaguars. They come back home to Buffalo and somehow end up in a slugfest with the Giants, a team that by all means they should have obliterated. When these Bills are clicking, they are one of the best teams in the league, if not the best. We saw that team against the Dolphins and Commanders. But this team struggles badly and falls apart on random nonsensical occasions. This just feels like another spectacular divisional round exit team waiting to happen.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The 49ers. The Browns defense is good, great even, but they were playing PJ Walker in his first start this year, and they couldn’t pull it off? This game raised a lot of questions.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Raiders. They won! But this team is not watchable or fun. They just aren’t interesting. The Patriots are also bad, but they are fascinating to watch because it’s so unusual and awful. This Raiders team under McDaniels feels like it has no identity or vibe, it just exists, and my eyes slide off the screen.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – WRESTLERS (I require any suggestions you have here, my wrestling knowledge is limited to binging Dark Side of the Ring episodes, but let’s keep it mostly to the famous classic guys who have a distinct look)
JAGUARS @ SAINTS
This felt like a sho-in for the Jaguars until I heard Trevor has a knee sprain. A knee sprain on a short week, away, is a problem. Trevor isn’t Mr Scrambles but this is still going to make him a lesser version of himself.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Ric Flair
FALCONS @ BUCS
Bucs. Falcons are just so bleh. Just so bleh. Arthur Smith is the coaching equivalent of of soggy french fries that your local dive reheated in the microwave. Edible, but only because you have to eat something, and somehow ended up here.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Bijan Robinson as Randy Savage
RAIDERS @ BEARS
This is going to depend on Fields, shockingly enough. If Fields is in, the Bears have a chance. If he isn’t, this shit is toast. Going Raiders anyway.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as The Rock
BROWNS @ COLTS
Colts are about to get leveled by that defense.
If the Colts win, I will draw Garnder Minshew as The Hulkster
COMMIES @ GIANTS
I want to have faith in the Giants and this is the first winnable game since week 2, but I have no faith. Faith is for fools.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Big Show
LIONS @ RAVENS
Lions gotta knock off these playoff contenders if they want to keep the momentum.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson as The Undertaker
BILLS @ PATRIOTS
Bills get a chance to get back on track by humiliating their long-time enemy. Just take out your frustrations on them, Buffalo.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones as CM Punk
CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS
BIRDS. Seahawks.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Kurt Angle
STEELERS @ RAMS
Rams. Steelers can win this, but this is a mediocre team and they love to just hover around .500. The Tomlin special. Now that Kupp is back in town the Rams are feisty.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Kenny Pickett as Shawn Michaels
CHARGERS @ CHIEFS
Chiefs. The Chargers will put up a fight because it’s a Sunday afternoon game and the Chiefs feel a bit underwhelming, but Im not picking against Mahomes.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as The Ultimate Warrior
PACKERS @ BRONCOS
fuck…this is hard? Love is balls, Russ is balls, Payton is balls, the Packers are balls, this game is balls. Flipping a coin….Packers.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ as Rey Mysterio
DOLPHINS @ EAGLES
Dolphins are the most fun team to watch in ages if you love offense. Probably going to set records, roll through the playoffs, and get stuffed by some defense in the Super Bowl because that’s what happens to record-setting offenses. So I guess my pick for the SB is 49ers over Dolphins?
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as Stone Cold Steve Austin
49ERS @ VIKINGS
Vikings, this shall be an honorable death, unlike most of the deaths you’ve had this year.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins as John Cena
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs getting Montreal Screwjobbed
For the Teams on Bye, you should draw what those teams dream about at night, they could be in cameos of other pictures or draw all of them together in one picture. It’s okay if it’s too much to draw It’s just an Idea
Texans Corner:
We should have lost last week, the Saints were better but shot themselves in the foot too many times. We lack 2nd half offensive adjustments which is hampering what the offense really do. Also 38% in the Red Zone is awful and we need to convert those field goals into touchdowns which is why we hav failed to put away opponents . Our running game stepped up last week, but still isn’t reliable to be a consistent threat. Our defense has also given up back to back 325+ passing yards to the Ridder and Carr, so if we played an actual QB we would get torched.
I’d personally put Mac Jones as Mankind (Mac-kind?), since he makes money by losing a lot.
You mean the uncharismatic vanilla version of Dolph Ziggler
The problem is Mankind is likeable but Jones is not. Im not super up to date on modern wrestling but it seems like everyone is getting tired of Punk
Yeah, he’s a giant headcase asshole who (legit) fucked over his best friend and got fired for punching Luke Perry’s son backstage.
The problem is that Aaron Rogers is really the CM Punk of the NFL.
I like to think Miami was just playing with their food in Week 6. Give them a two-score head start and then proceed to just blend them anyway.
Mike White needs to check the shade of green he’s wearing though.
I honestly thought that it was going to be a case of a team not properly planning for a bad opponent, but then Tyreek got that first nice chunk of yards, and ran through the sidelines like he had scored a touchdown and then the whole game just clicked back into place.
Also, home crowds this year are maybe the hottest I have heard in literal decades.
I’m not sure who, but for a real old school option, how about giving somebody Sputnik Monroe’s skunk stripe?
> Finally, the Chargers Chargers’d once more.
I’m not a big fan of when people take the team name and turn it into a verb, but at least most of the time it makes some sense. But in this instance, what does it even mean? The way we lost that game was fairly bog-standard. It’s not like we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. It’s not like we found a new, incredible way to lose. It’s not like we shot ourselves in the foot. Seems like your use of the term here is either just trolling or lazy writing.
It might seem fairly bog standard to you at this point because as a Chargers fan you’ve become used to it
Getting the ball back with 2 minutes to go in preparation for a game winning/tying drive only to finally suffer a sack and then an immediate pick is extremely chargers. Heartbreak when it matters in front of a national audience is as Chargers as Chaos is Vikings and Bad QB Failure is Browns
Throwing a pick on a potential game winning drive is bog standard, though. The Falcons, Bears, and Saints all did it this week, too.
Heartbreak in front of a national audience? We’re 6-6 over the last 3 seasons (plus this one) in primetime. Two of those losses were to the Chiefs, one to the 49ers; the best teams in football. Three of those losses were in OT; one win was. Over that same span we’re 28-27, so there’s no evidence that we’re worse with a national audience.
It’s also like you conveniently forget that Primetime Kirk Cousins is a thing, because you badly want to attribute withering under the bright lights to whatever team you feel like.
What does Kirk Cousins have to do with making a joke about the Chargers, are you so bitter that you’ll just bring up a different player who was irrelevant to the conversation and then use me NOT mentioning him as some sort of gotcha about my motivations to smear your team unfairly? Dude go outside, people have been making this joke about the Chargers for years now and Im far from the first one, I can get why it might be annoying by now especially if it’s not PRECISELY accurate, but that’s why it’s a throwaway joke and not hard statistical analysis.
Go on twitter and search the word “chargersing”. There is a long running vibe about how Chargers games aren’t worth watching until the final 2 minutes when things get stupid. Last year’s Jags playoff game was the apex of it all.
EDIT: lmao there is an entire ESPN article about the concept
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/38191240/chargering-los-angeles-chargers-playoff-losses-2023-preview
“The Jets are hamstrung by a bad QB”
Rodgers has an Achilles problem, not a hamstring problem.
Also the 49ers defense did fine against Walker. They were on the field for a long time. The offense and Jake Moody were bad, but it was more like everyone being a little off rather than any one player or unit being bad
Hamstrung in the metaphorical sense, my man, not the literal sense
So if Vikings win the drawing will be a blank page.
Man, it’s really sad to see the Broncos down in the little corner of shame with the Pats and Panthers.
I would make T-Law Shawn Michaels. It’s more fitting since Michaels is “just a sexy boy” and the Heart Break Kid (HBK) I would make Kenny Pickett in this case as Macho Man flipping off Matt Canada and Bijan as Chris Jericho breaking down the Bucs Defensive walls. If you still want to have Ric Flair in there I would make it Sean Payton and have it be Rey and Flair.
Correction: make it Doug Pederson. They look closer than T-Law and Flair do.
I drew Trevor as Michaels for a commission last year so I dont want to duplicate myself
Ahh, understandable.
If the Broncos win you should draw Russ as an Andre the Giant action figure.
If Russ wins you should draw him as an Andre the Giant action figure.
Ideally Bryce Young would be Andre the Giant but they aren’t playing sadly.
Honestly, the 49ers losing on a missed FG was not as bad as people are making it out. Cleveland’s last winning drive they had a lot of tit-for-tat calls on the defense.
The offense did not perform too well but with Deebo and CMC injured, and poor conditions against an extremely talented Browns defense, it is understandable. Purdy looked off the whole game until the last drive, as there were mistakes aplenty and points left on the board. The 49ers offense is made for decent conditions with all the misdirections, not Cleveland, Chicago or Philly in poor conditions. Luckily SF has a great defense to play many types of ballgames. I would rather they lose in October than January.
Lastly I think PJ Walker played decently for Cleveland, especially against a tough SF defense.
I just noticed the Packers and Steelers to the left. LOL
Have you actualy watched the Patriots play?
I know, splitting hairs and all but imho they are by far the most unwatchable team ahead of the Panthers and Broncos. The Panthers are a tragedy but somewhat entertaining, Young is showing flashes at least but the whole team just lacks talent. The Broncos on the other hand are a miracle comedy, you never know what youll get, seemingly competent offense in one week followed by Yakety Sax levels of incomptence the next, plus their D might give up 70 again, who knows? Also seeing Sean Payton get exposed and dunked on never ceases to give me a warm, fuzzy feeling…
The Pats on the other hand are the most unwatchable garbage in recent memory. Their offense radiates hopelessness and at no point ever do you get the feeling they might be able to hang in there and win. And their D is too injured to be any good now
What about having the Undertaker throwing Mankind 16 feet of the cage through the announcers table?