WEEK 3 CHAOS REPORT: What if you scored 20 points but still lost by 50
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
In the years since offense and passing has taken over the league scores have been slowly rising on average. But 70 points? Even 50 points is still a rare occurrence. 70 Points is relatively rare even in college, which every week features major conference powerhouses beating the snot out of smaller schools who volunteered for the privilege. 70 points just doesn’t happen. It has only happened like 3 times in NFL history. What we witnessed was frankly unbelievable. I’m actually furious at McDaniel for not going for the extra field goal at the end. You are already up there, stamp your name in the history books. Fuck sportsmanship. Burn it down. Sean Payton is an asshole anyway, give him no quarter.
Outside that, it was a modest week for chaos. Week 3 is always when clarity starts to arrive in the league and we begin to get a real picture of what teams are. The Vikings are the same team as last year, but now the chaos coin flips are hitting on the wrong side. The Jets would probably be a playoff contender with anyone besides Zach Wilson under center. The Bears are…woof. The Bears are something else. The Saints entire season might be wrapped up in Derek Carr, as soon as he went out with an injury they fell apart. The Browns were capable without Chubb, but you have to wonder about their limit. The Bills took care of business and the Commies came back down to earth. Monday night didn’t feature much chaos, but the Bengals got into the win column.
But the big chaotic surprise this week was Dallas going down in embarassing fashion to the “tanking” Cardinals. The Cardinals faced 3 NFC East teams in a row in weeks 1-3. They fell apart to the Commanders, they fell apart to the Giants, but then, against the obvious top team of the 3 and a team currently getting a ton of hype (much of it actually deserved this time!) after the early wins, they stood firm. Dallas once again frauds itself up, giving us an early glimpse of January. Good for the Cardinals and Josh Dobbs. They have some fight, and I respect it. The Bears are the true worst team in the NFL.
GIANTS CORNER
The Giants are a mediocre football team. The 49ers game went about as bad as expected for an away game, missing two key starters, on a short week, against an NFC powerhouse. This won’t be a fun season like last year, it’ll be full of sloppy wins and ugly losses. My hope at this point is players developing. I’m very worried that Joe Schoen took two busts right after one another in Kayvon Thibodeaux and Evan Neal. I’m also deeply skeptical of Wink’s defense. I think his strategy of constant blitz pressure is one that has a low ceiling. Blitzing the QB has a tendency to work on younger, inexperienced passers, and bad teams. It has a tendency to get beaten by good passers with experience. Brock Purdy was clearly shaken early on in the game, but his skillset is largely in short, accurate passing to YAC monsters and pretty soon Deebo, Kittle, and CMC destroyed the backend. I don’t know if Brock Purdy is truly good yet, the stars have aligned for him so far, but against his squad, pressure was a bad choice.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
Honestly, the Cardinals beating Dallas may have been a more chaotic win overall, but 70 points is a once-in-a-lifetime scoring event. 70 Fucking points. A new record for offensive yardage. We may never see a game like that again. I had Redzone on that afternoon, and they missed about half the touchdowns because there were so many.
CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
Kirk Cousins and the Vikings get a chance to pull it off right at the end, only to not spike the ball for some reason, waste time, run a play, and have the game-sealing interception ricochet off two dudes. It was like everything that last year was boiled down to its essence, only to go the wrong way. Also big ups to Rapist Mcgee on his backwards pass. That was really funny. Also in funny QB shenanigans, this 4th down by Jordan Love. Lastly, sorry Dan Orlovsky, Gardner Minshew stepping out of the back of the endzone doesn’t free you from the jokes. You are still the golden example.
CHAOS WATCH
The Packers. The Packers entered the year with most people assuming they’d suck, outside the regular contingent of Packers loonies. So far they’ve been a pretty interesting watch. They put up tons of points on the Bears (but let them hang around). They went up early on the Falcons only to fall apart. They then proceeded to do the exact opposite against the Saints with a substantial late-game comeback to keep the home opener streak alive.
FRAUD WATCH
The Jaguars. What the fuck is going on? Jacksonville was a surprise last year and that team appears to have gone missing again. They looked awful against the rebuilding Texans, handing CJ Stroud an easy first win of his career. The AFC South was supposed to be a pile of garbage this year with the Jaguars easily cruising to the top, but right now they are 1-2 with only a squeaker win over the Colts. The Colts, meanwhile, beat Baltimore and now lead the division.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
The Commanders. The Bills were always going to be a tough match but the Commies had surprised both weeks so far. They instead took the 3rd most embarassing loss of the weekend and looked completely and utterly outmatched the entire time. They have a ways to go yet.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Jets. It took them all game to muster one meaningful drive at the end to make the game mildly interesting. Zach Wilson is a war crime.
BETS FOR NEXT WEEK: PIXAR WEEK. In honor of the bizarre Disney Toy Story broadcast game happening between the Falcons and Jags
LIONS @ PACKERS
Packers have surprised but the Lions are simply operating on all cylinders this season. Staying on the train.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love as Hector from Coco, only he’s wearing a cheesehead
FALCONS @ JAGUARS
Going Falcons until the Jaguars prove they aren’t frauds.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor as Bo Peep
RAMS @ COLTS
Rams had a bad outing against the Bengals but I’m not sold on the Colts quite yet.
If the Colts win, I will draw Jim Irsay as Carl from UP and the QB who plays as Russell
RAVENS @ BROWNS
ooof. The Ravens looked pretty good until this past weekend against the Colts. The Browns defense is incredibly legit and is going to carry this team. I’m gonna take the Browns again.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson as Frozone
VIKINGS @ PANTHERS
The Vikings are not as bad as their record but they have to actually get in the win column at some point. I have faith.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Andy Dalton as Merida. If Bryce Young plays, I’ll draw him as Remy
BENGALS @ TITANS
Bengals feel like they are getting back on track. The defense is stout and Burrow survived Aaron Donald with no extra injury. Titans are kind of a mess.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo
BUCS @ SAINTS
Bucs are probably better, especially if Derek Carr is out.
If the Saints win, I will draw Jameis Winston as Mater towing Derek Car
DOLPHINS @ BILLS
GAME OF THE WEEK! Killer defense meets Titan offense. I love these Dolphins, Miami wins.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as Joy with Tua as Sadness
BRONCOS @ BEARS
What’s the opposite of the Game of the Week? This. I guess I’ll go…Broncos? Jesus someone has to win this.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Lotso Huggin Bear, after ripping Bullseye in half
COMMIES @ EAGLES
Commies get boned. Simple stuff really.
If the Commies win, I will draw Sam Howell as Mike Wazowski and Terry McLaurin as Sully
STEELERS @ TEXANS
The Texans have been a thorn in Jacksonville’s side for years, but I don’t think CJ Stroud is going to have the same easy time against the Tomlin squad and that Watt-led defense.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Randall from Monsters Inc, scaring Kenny Pickett Boo
RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
Chargers are very fun to watch and will put up points. The Raiders just aren’t good.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jimmy G as Buzz Lightyear
CARDINALS @ 49ERS
Cardinals got fight in them but lol that magic never lasts long.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Eve from Wall-E blowing up Stinky Pete
PATRIOTS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys got trapped this weekend, but they can probably get things back on track now.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Evil Emperor Zurg, killing Dak Prescott Woody
CHIEFS @ JETS
These Chiefs are now the team of Taylor Swift and now they get to beat up Zach Wilson.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson as Dash getting weirdly close to various Pixar moms
SEAHAWKS @ GIANTS
If the Giants are going to make any progress, they have to start by beating fellow middling teams. The Hawks aren’t a bad team by any stretch but they are far more flawed than Dallas or SF. This is a winnable game if they play smart and good ball. That’s why I have no faith and they lose.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Heimlich from A Bugs Life, with Daniel Jones as Flik
A TIE
Both QBs as toy abominations Sid made
I listened to the Fins-Broncs game and was just WTF IS HAPPENING‽ This was like our Ravens game last year, just for the full four quarters. Tua and Hill both had a belter again, but Mostert and Achane just went O F F .
This was a meeting of two extremes. We’re not that good, but Denver might just be That Bad. Caleb may well end up getting handed an orange #1 next year unless, in an irony 40 years in the making, he pulls an Elway and demands a trade.
This week 4 matchup between Denver and Chicago may already be for positioning in the draft……
Could be the second straight year they play for the first pick, after the Texans week 3 last year.
(I know they technically won and still got the 1st, but only because of Lovie Smith’s final rebellion)
Honestly Lovie Smith winning that game may have saved our franchise.
I think Caleb’s representation has put it out there that he’ll play another year if he has serious concerns about the team set to draft him. Which would honestly be even fucking funnier
Good theme week! I was obviously going to root for a Bills win anyway, but now I want to see that pic. My suggestion for a future theme is game show hosts.
What was funny about McDaniel claiming sportsmanship is that he obviously wasn’t thinking that when he had Mike White throwing bombs while up 56-13. The reason why we literally never see teams score more than 59 is because there’s basically an unwritten agreement for both teams to enter “Let’s just get the fuck out of here” mode once games get ridiculously lopsided. Just throw in the backups, run the ball 3x, punt and run the clock out so no one gets hurt. You have to hit 60+ by accident. Miami just boat-raced them and then decided to let up at the absolute worst possible moment.
Should have gone for 77, McDaniel.
Yeah, it was really garbage of McDaniel to give his team hope to break the record only to not let them finish it. You saw how excited Tua was on the sideline after the big run to set up the non-FG. McDaniel just wanted the attention for not doing it.
Not kicking the FG almost felt like giving the Broncos a participation sticker, was even more rude.
As a Broncos fan I absolutely think he should have gone for it. Like c’mon. No self-respecting Denver fan is gonna be mad at the Dolphins for this game. We know why it happened
Absolutely.
The Texans vs Jaguars might be the most lopsided rivalry in the NFL. 21-6 in the last 13 years.
I think people underestimate just how good CJ Stroud has been playing. We have no offensive line and no running game because of it, our defense is hampered by injuries,but he has carried this team on his back. We won’t beat the Steelers, but weĺl give them a good fight.
Patriots-Jets 37-8 since 2001, including the last 15 in a row.
The Chiefs have also beaten the Broncos 15 straight times.
But only 17-9 since 2010
I think this is the correct answer, 24-4 Patriots since 2010.
“What’s the opposite of the Game of the Week?”
TANK BOWL (Cue Roundball Rock)
Nothing will ever beat Toilet Bowl
I’m more disappointed by how Washington’s offense, the thing that was supposed to be getting better, got shutout for 59 minutes because they kept trying to force stuff that wasn’t working. There were competent drives that game that just completely stalled from bad decisions made and th bills just took what was being given to them. Half the points they got were from that and knowing my luck it won’t be any different against the eagles.
If the Panthers win with Dalton, can we get Bryce Young as Remy helping Dalton play by riding on his head and steering him? XD
Never in my life have I wanted to see the jets win as much as I do now
come on, no A Bug’s Life homage?
Read the Giants one again bud
my bad Lord Dave
ravens lost to the refs but ok