WEEk 18 CHAOS REPORT: THE MAYO IS SPOILED
Since all the games are over, we have a combined post with all the pics! Let’s start with them.. This was user submission week, thank you to everyone who submitted an idea. I picked my favorites, and I got a lot of games wrong, so it’s a great ending for you.
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This might have been the most chaotic final week I can remember covering! Even though most outcomes only slightly affected seeding or draft position we had a lot of teams do stupid shit. Great stuff! Saturday was not particularly interesting, and I appreciate the NFL for sequestering the AFCN that day. The Browns added Bailey Zappe to the Hydra (posted at the bottom) and did nothing else of value. The Bengals mustered the win they needed against a fraudulent Steelers team that is limping into the playoffs, much less frightening than they initially seemed.
The Falcons and Bucs both needed to win to claim the division. Both teams spent most of Sunday looking like garbage against the Panthers and Saints respectively. The Bucs would eventually emerge victorious, even risking disaster by forcing the ball to Mike Evans to get Evans those final 5 yards to reach 1000 yards. Good for Mike Evans. The Falcons would witness their playoff chances go up in smoke, get lost in overtime vs Bryce Young, and lose. The NFCS was a disaster this year, but the right team emerged victorious. Funnily enough, because the Rams rested their starters (and still almost beat Seattle), the Bucs ended up with the #3 seed. The Eagles took care of the Giants, with Kayvon Thibodeaux doing his part for the tank by ending the game on a terrible roughing call. Thanks Thibs.
The Raiders fell down as expected, the Jaguars lost in overtime to the Dolts, and the Cardinals took care of the give-up 49ers. But you know what was interesting? The Chiefs depth. Yes, the Chiefs had nothing to play for and didn’t start their best and the Broncos had everything to play for, but even then, that was a shocking blowout. Do I Bo-lieve? I must sadly admit that I am indeed…a Boliever. The Commanders kept up with their trend of making every game a heart attack that doesn’t need to happen. The Dolphins though…The Dolphins. Another year, another disappointment when it gets cold. The Dolphins, playing for their playoff lives, gave Aaron Rodgers a comfy quality send-off game provided he doesn’t come back. Embarassing for all involved. Next year Mike McDaniel is going to be on a mega-hot seat.
The Titans tried to play cute and dress up as the Oilers but that just gave the Texans more excuse to beat them up, giving them the #1 pick. Maybe the Titans won after all. The big draft pick news was the stupid idiot Patriots. But lets save them for a bit. Instead, the Bears! The Packers may have lost Christian Watson, they had to take Love out for safety, and they lost at the last minute to a Bears team that had lost 10 in a row. The Packers limp into the playoffs as frauds. The Lions, however, do not. Despite everything the defense has faced this year, crippling injuries no team should have to suffer, the defense is what came through in the end. An expert gameplan by Aaron Glenn to pressure Sam Darnold left the Vikings in pieces despite many trips into the redzone. The Lions offense took some time to get revved up but they eventually did their thing while the Vikings just never found themselves. The Lions claim the top spot and can rest up. The Vikings fly to LA to face the capable Rams. I said in my pick for the week that I did not trust these Vikings despite the wins and the hype. They never looked like their record to me. I put the Vikings on the fraud meter multiple times, never the Lions. This week proved my gut correct. There will be a lot of whining from the Vikings fanbase if the Vikes lose on the road to an inferior win-record Rams team about how playoff seeding should be different, but I will not agree with them. I don’t think your record is always a true reflection of who you are. If they are a better team than Los Angeles, which they should be, they have to prove it.
GIANTS CORNER
–That was almost anticlimactic. The Eagles still managed to win despite not trying and resting everyone. The Giants, thanks to how things shook out, now have the #3 pick. It’s not the top overall pick, but top 3? That’s acceptable. That guarantees that the Giants will be able to pick one of 3 options: QB or Travis Hunter. Either Hunter, Shadeur, or Ward falls to that spot. Any one of them will be acceptable choices. I would prefer Ward or Hunter to Shadeur, but the draft process is just beginning to heat up and things can change. We still don’t even know if Daboll and Schoen will be here.
Do I want them fired? Yeah. I don’t want the Giants to pull a Bears and keep a lame duck coach on the hot seat around. I don’t think Daboll has performed well enough as a coach to justify keeping him. But the worst thing the Giants can do here is keep Schoen (the bigger problem), and fire Daboll. If we do that, we are the dumbest franchise. So that’s what I expect to happen.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Jerod Mayo “pulled a Lovie”. The Bills rested their starters as expected, but for the second week in a row the worst team in football went out and won a game and ruined their draft position. Within the hour of beating the Bills, we get word that Jerod Mayo is fired. I was frankly stunned. Do I think Mayo was a good coach? No. I think he looked terrible most of the time this year, in severely over his head. But this was Kraft’s hand-picked successor. This was the guy he forced Bill Belichick out for. This was the guy set to start at the base of the rebuild with a new franchise QB. Even if he wasn’t perfect, he should be reasonably expected to get a chance to grow with the team, right? In some ways, this might seem like the smart move. Mayo was not good, maybe Kraft was cutting his losses and pivoting so he can hire Mike Vrabel.
I think this is a signal of something much worse. I think this is exposing Kraft as yet another emotional dipshit owner who thinks he’s smarter than he actually is, making emotional decisions because he hates being embarrassed. Mayo had the same basic roster that Belichick got fired for, except he had the QB, and was worse with it. This is your guy. This is the guy you forced out the best coach of the past two decades for. Kraft fired one of the legends of coaching and pissed him off so bad that instead of going for the win record he took his shit and went to college. Rebuilds take time and the Patriots are in a huge hole. Vrabel is a better coach than Mayo (assuming Vrabel gets the job, which I think everyone assumes at this stage), but he wasn’t spectacular in Tenessee, and he got into feuds with ownership and management. Kraft fired Belichick, to hire a Belichick croney with no experience outside the organization, to presumably hire another Belichick guy. Robert Kraft has made one very good decision as an owner: let Belichick control the team back when he was hired in the 90’s. That’s it. The Patriots might end up spiraling for the next decade because Kraft is an egotistical moron who thinks he mattered during that dynasty.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–THE BRONCOS WITH THE DOUBLE DEFLECTION TD
-The Bears were leading after one quarter despite having negative yards. How? This sick-ass punt return.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Rodgers not only metaphorically throws his teammates under a bus, he does it literally too!
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Poor Dallas Cheerleader took a bonk to the noggin
CHAOS WATCH
–Watch out for the annual bandwagon guide later this week!
FRAUD WATCH
–The Fraud Meter has been updated to reflect the remaining teams and my feelings about them. The Texans are the only team that feels like they don’t deserve to be there, as pathetic winners of a pathetic division. The rest I will give more benefit of the doubt, until exposed. The Eagles, Bills, Chargers, Lions, and even the Commies all feel appropriate. The rest worry me. The Bucs waver between great and terrible. The Packers and Steelers have cooled off tremendously. The Chiefs feel so agonizingly close to utter failure despite the record. The Broncos barely made it. The Vikings? Well we all watched Sunday Night’s game. Does not inspire confidence.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Lots of disappointments this week, but the one that hit hardest was the Vikings. Unlike a lot of teams, the Vikings had the most to play for. They couldn’t score even a single TD against a decimated and left for dead Lions defense. Darnold was rattled and broken. They never managed to compensate and get anything going. They even got gifted multiple trips to the redzone and failed every time. Even the kicking failed. This was a chance for Minnesota, the other strong NFCN child, to prove their quality. Instead they ended up lighting themselves on a pyre.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–When half the league rests their starters there isn’t much to enjoy. The Browns though, they earned one last spot. Bailey Zappe was so bad he was pulled after 2 drives. Then DTR was so bad he was pulled for Zappe again. Just a disgrace. Have a Hydra. Congrats on the big 4-0, Cleveland. Can’t wait to see who starts week 1 next year.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – EVERYONE GETS A PICTURE!
(6)CHARGERS @ (4)TEXANS
This game feels the most like a formality. The Chargers are either the most chaotic team in sports or, more likely this year under Harbaugh, honestly dull. But an effective, efficient dull. The kind of dull that wins football games and leaves no impression on you. The Texans already floundering season ended when Tank Dell died and I don’t think they have it in them to defeat this steady rock of a Chargers team.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Jim Harbaugh and Justin Herbert, casual men about town, in khaki pants and polo shirts.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as Goku, slicing Freiza Herbert in two
(6)STEELERS @ (3)RAVENS
Well, a few weeks ago these two teams met and had some good chaotic fun. It was not an unreasonable game, and the Steelers weren’t blown out. Do I have hope that this is the year the Steelers aren’t knocked out in the wildcard round after a close, struggling loss? No. That is the Tomlin way. But at least he has the courtesy to make it interesting every year.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Russ emerging like a chestburster from Derrick Henry
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry eating a pack of Steeler Patch Kids
(7)BRONCOS @ (2)BILLS
The Bills are banged up but they should very much be the better team. You have to wonder though. That final game by the Boncos was pretty spectacular, Chiefs backups or not. Sometimes going in hot can make all the difference. This might be our last chance at a Bonix this season, so we should appreciate it.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix using earthquake on Football Moose
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose swinging Bonix through a table
(7)PACKERS @ (2)EAGLES
Last year the Packers waltzed into the playoffs as the 7th seed and wiped the NFC East champion Cowboys off the face of the map in the funniest win of the year. This year the vibes in Green Bay are not so good. They have expectations now. They aren’t an unknown playing with swag. They are flawed and rough. I would love for them to do the exact same thing again, but realistically the Eagles look like the most complete team in the NFC right now.
If the Packers win, I will draw Saquon Barkley being run over by the Jordan Love Train
If the Eagles win, I will draw Nick Sirianni as the cover model of punchable coach monthly
(6)COMMIES @ (3)BUCS
Like Eagles/Packers, this is a rematch of week 1. The Bucs got the better of the Commies then, but this is a Commies team that has found their identity since. It will probably depend on which Bucs team decides to show up this time, the good Bucs or the Shit Bucs. If we get Good Bucs, I think this game rules and and Bucs prove too powerful on offense to win. If the shit Bus show up, the Commies can absolutely pull this off.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield and Mike Evans doing the fusion dance
If the Commies win, I will draw Comrade Jayden Daniels distributing the Bucs treasure equally amongst the people
(5)VIKINGS @ (4)RAMS
The Rams won this matchup earlier this year. The Vikings are entering the game on bad vibes after a true dud against the Lions. I’m glad I’m not actually picking any of these games, because this is the one I’d be most worried about going against me. The Vikings should win, but hoo boy, they can very much lose this.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Governor Stafford conceding the race to GEQBUS
If the Rams win, I will draw Cooper Kupp and Puca Nacua breakdancing while Addison and Jefferson look on sadly
The football gods are done with the Lions being their personal cosmic plaything and have moved on to the Vikings. I am beyond convinced at this point. Yet again, in the most important game of their season up to this point, we shit the bed so hard, we might have dysentery. Dave was 100% correct to doubt this team.
While yeah, the refs were dogshit awful, but let’s be real. Was it the refs that made KOC stop running the ball? Was it the refs that made Reichard’s kicks keep going wide? Was it the refs that caused us to make absolutely no adjustments whatsoever for the second half? Once Detroit managed to sneak in that FG within 20 seconds before halftime, I knew our clock struck midnight.
Because when it comes to NEVER showing up when it matters most, no team does it better than the Vikes. And I’m pissed at myself for having gotten snakeoiled by them once again.
I mean, they could still win next week…if they weren’t playing the Rams. I have no faith that they have an answer for Puka Nacua, like they didn’t back in Week 8. And I wouldn’t be feeling this way if this game had at least been the nail-biter it was hyped to be. BUT NO! FROM ALL THE TALK ABOUT THE LIONS’ LAUNDRY LIST OF DEFENSIVE UNITS ON IR, THEIR DEFENSE STILL SLAPPED OUR SHIT!!
Bottom line: Lions played well, we did not. They more than earned the #1 seed. Good work, you gave us a much need slap back onto reality.
The football gods have always hated the Vikes more than the Lions. The Lions have had a long history of futility, while the Vikings keep coming so close, only to have the rug pulled out every time.
The Lions are that toy your cat chewed up, puked onto the rug, and left there. The Vikings are the mouse your cat caught, let it think it was going to get away, and pounced on again, over and over.
Fraud meter Rams? Ravens?
Is it weird that the only guys I could point out from the updated Hydra were ELITE Flacco, Manziel, Seneca Wallace, Jameis, RG3 & Jake Delhomme?
I mean it’s a little weird that you could get Seneca Wallace, but not Watson
the playoff team Fraud Meter is missing Baltimore
The Rams are also missing from the meter.
… and the Rams.
“The Patriots might end up spiraling for the next decade because Kraft is an egotistical moron who thinks he mattered during that dynasty.”
AKA the Jerry Jones special
It was Trunks that sliced through cyborg-Frieza, not Goku.
Anyways, as a reader since your KSK days, love the stuff! Here’s hoping my Chairman Daniels shows the league that the East is Burgundy.
Frieza did get sliced in half from his own attack while fighting Goku on Namek. Maybe Dave’s referring to that?
who are yinz band wagoning? (DO NOT HOP ON TH STEELERS.) I’m rooting for the Lions and Bills. 🙂
whos gonna tell him it was TRUNKS who cut frieza in two
Curious why Washington is in the probably fine section. They had the easiest schedule of all contenders, and still barely scraped by with some weird bullshit to win several games (the bears hail mary, the falcons timeout debacle, hurts dying on the first drive of the eagles game)
Yep, sorry, I count 12 teams on the playoff Fraud Meter. The Ravens and the Rams are missing.
I do like how the Browns Hydra is so old now that you can visibly see the style changes and art skill improvements as you go up. I checked back through the archives and it looks like the first version of the Browns Hydra was drawn in December 2015, with 24 quarterbacks (https://www.thedrawplay.com/comic/the-pain-when-will-it-end/). In the 9 years and 1 month since then, 16 new guys have joined the Browns Hydra. Jesus Christ.
It really sucks that the Giants are staying with Schoen and Daboll who will now make desperate hot-seat moves that will set the team back further. The 2025 season already feels like it’ll be a lame duck one and we’ll be waiting next January, hoping for the announcement that they are fired and we can start another rebuild.
I’m assuming there’s a lot of confidence both Ward and Sanders will get snatched up by the Titans and Browns, so they’ll be forced into Travis Hunter at CB. So an Eberflus QB damaging scenario is avoided.
The 2025 looks brutal (got the NFC North and AFC West, plus a potentially recuperated 49ers) so there is a good chance they’ll manage to more effectively tank anyway. So let the next GM/HC tandem pick the long term QB.
Of course if Schoen is given free rein to overpay a free agent or over trade up for a QB it’ll be another lost decade.
The Patriots getting rid of Mayo this quickly is a very clear and obvious sign of severe dysfunction at the top, and if they are doing all of this just to ultimately settle for another past player (I don’t care if Vrabel isn’t actually part of the Belichick coaching tree, the move has the same energy regardless) instead of actually doing their due diligence and completing a proper search for a new regime, you can basically guarantee that they won’t be on the way up anytime soon, regardless of how Drake Maye looks.
if the rams win you should add Darnold being chased by some defensive ghosts in the background or something too