WEEK 15 CHAOS REPORT: Blew The Wad Early
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
How do you top the Thursday game? You don’t. This wasn’t a bad week, we did have a little fun despite most of the favorites easily winning, but when you start the week off with such a bang you simply cannot top it, Minnesota Vikings or not. We may as well start with them. The Vikings have now tied their own record of playing in 13 1 score games in one season, and they have 3 weeks to go. They started the week with Nick Mullens taking the place of the Passtronaut, whose early hype has gone the way of the Challenger. Mullens wasn’t anything special outside 2 really cool TDs to Jordan Addison after making bad decisions with the ball, and having a pick-6 wiped out by an offsides. Better to be lucky than good. The Bengals were the real story here. Going 3 quarters with 3 points, Jake Browning got revenge on his former team and yelled at the camera about it. He’s no Brock Purdy, but he’s been a good replacement for the Bengals without Burrow.
The Steelers implosion is reaching critical and we are very close to seeing the first losing record out of Mike Tomlin. The team remains unwatchable when they have the ball. At least Minshew Mania remains an enjoyable watch. The Packers hype that was derailed by the Giants last week is now back in the gutter after Baker Mayfield put up a perfect rating in Lambeau. The Falcons and Panthers combined for the most unwatchable dreck of the week, and the Panthers won! Arthur Smith absolutely must be sent to pasture. The Texans played The Oilers and almost tied the ghosts of teams past. Luckily the Oilers (Titans) put together one of the worst offensive performances you’ll ever see and Case Keenum kept the Texans in the playoff picture. The AFCS is a 3-way fight for the top and a chaotic Titans doing whatever they want every week and I am here for it.
The Lions steeled themselves and looked like the team they want to be. The Dolphins destroyed the Jets and eliminated them from the playoffs and also, mercifully, eliminated Aaron Rodgers coming back speculation. I don’t know what is going to happen. The Chiefs once again struggled on offense but since they played the Pats, no biggie. Not even yet another Toney fuckup could take away the win. 49ers remain the best team in the league, the Bills got their mojo back, the Jaguars are imploding, and the Commanders exist.
The week did end with some fun as Drew Lock cemented his legacy by leading a game-winning drive against Matt Patricia and the Eagles to put the Eagles into fraud status.
GIANTS CORNER
The Cutlets ride was bound to end sooner rather than later and the Giants returned to unwatchable garbage in New Orleans. If DeVito manages to beat the Eagles I might buy his jersey. Also, we are possibly going to be on our 3rd kicker of the year as Randy Bullock, our replacement for Gano, is also hurt. The Punter kicked a field goal in the game.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
I made an entire comic about it already. Thursday Night’s massacre by the Raiders was a thing of beauty. Turnovers galore, the Raiders running trick plays up by 42 points. The performance by the Chargers was such a disgrace that the notoriously cheap Spanos cleaned house the very next morning. Staley, Telesco, soon to be the rest, the pain is over. I can’t believe we got two of these games in a single season.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
He had it. Darren Mooney had the game in his hands. The hail mary bounced directly to him. He bobbled it and kicked it into the arms of a Browns player. The Browns and Bears game was one of the highlights of the weekend and might even won Chaos of the Week if the Raiders game didn’t exist. The Bears are fucking around right now and at this rate Eberflus might stick around. I don’t know how I feel about it. Feels kinda late to suddenly get your shit together.
Also want to give a shoutout to the Jaguars making a big deep play with 10 seconds left before halftime, deciding to run a play instead of spiking the ball, and then Trevor throws it well short of the goalline for some reason and they run out of time. Unbelievably poor game management.
CHAOS WATCH
As stated above, the AFCS has gone from disaster to a ball of manic energy. The Colts are feisty. The Texans are defying the odds. The Jaguars are a flawed mess. The Titans are lunatics. I love it, and it’s nice to have this division be fun again.
I wrote the Bengals off when Burrow went down but I forgot that having Tee Higgins and JaMarr Chase on your offense can still win you games.
FRAUD WATCH
It has been brought to my attention that the Cowboys have not beaten anyone of note except the Eagles in their second meeting, and the Eagles this year aren’t the same Eagles of last year. It brings me such delight to consider them as very likely frauds.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Jaguars. Come on, Jags. The Ravens are good but you guys are just shitting yourselves.
THE CAROLINA PANTHERS AWARD FOR MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Well, the Falcons, and also the Giants.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK. CHRISTMAS WEEK! Due to the holiday, the pics might be late, and there will be no comics next week so I can enjoy my time off.
SAINTS @ RAMS
Two teams that slide off my brain this season on a game I can’t ignore for a different one. Cursed. Stafford is quietly balling out this year and fate seems to be shoving him and Goff into a first-round playoff matchup just for the love of pure irony. I want this to happen.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car but as a Sleigh
BENGALS @ STEELERS
Fuck a Steeler. Mess em up, Jake Browning. I crave the first losing season in Tomlin’s career, I want to see how frothing mad the yinzers get calling for his firing.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Mike Tomlin as the ghost of Christmas future
BILLS @ CHARGERS
If the Bills fall victim to the new coach bump it will be the funniest thing but obviously I can’t actually pick that due to the discrepancy between talents here.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Kahlil Mack using an Easton hockey stick to slap shot Josh Allen into a net
COMMIES @ JETS
Two teams fighting for nothing but pride. I’m going to say the Jets fuck themselves over and win by sacking Sam Howell 20 times.
If the Commies win, I will draw Sam Howell as Frosty the SnowCommie
LIONS @ VIKINGS
Lions, better keep it up if you want us to keep taking you seriously.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Nick Mullens putting coal in Jared Goff’s stocking
BROWNS @ TEXANS
Stroud should be back for this game so I’m going to take the home team. This one could go either way though.
If the Browns win, I will draw The Brownie Elf as Elf
PACKERS @ PANTHERS
Can’t wait for the Jordan Love hype to come roaring back after they kick the dead horse for a freebie.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Tiny Tim
SEAHAWKS @ TITANS
Seahawks are mid, Titans are below mid. But I got my eye on you, Titans. I like what you’ve been cooking.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
COLTS @ FALCONS
Eat shit, Arthur Smith.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a falcon in a pear tree
JAGUARS @ BUCS
The Shaguars or the Fucks? Florida is going to be hot as hell this Sunday. I’m going to go with the Jaguars because they should be the better team but Baker Mayfield thrives on disrespect so who knows.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield decorating a palm tree with dead Jags for ornaments
COWBOYS @ DOLPHINS
Two powerhouses that don’t have a good resume against winning teams. What happens when two frauds who are only good at beating up losers face each other? We finally find out the true fraud. I’ll take the home Dolphins, mostly because I want them to win.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescott as a Christmas cowboy with candy canes for guns
CARDINALS @ BEARS
Sometimes I have nothing to say about a game, so…Bears.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as the Elf on the Shelf
PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS
In the mid-2010’s this was the matchup of the year between two titans of the game. Now it’s cooked Russ beating up old men.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Belichick as the Grinch
RAIDERS @ CHIEFS
Chiefs…but what if the good Raiders show up?
If the Raiders win, I will draw Aidan O’Connell and Taylor Swift in a Hallmark Movie
GIANTS @ EAGLES
Yeah I don’t see us winning this
If the Giants win, I will draw Tommy DeVito as Godfather Christmas
RAVENS @ 49ERS
Maybe a Super Bowl preview? With the Cowboys faltering, this game might actually decide the MVP between Purdy and Jackson.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Rudolph with a purple nose
A TIE
If we get a tie both QBs getting electrocuted by the lights when they plug the tree in
If the Ravens win, will Rudolph with a purple nose be lighting up a blacked out New Orleans Superdome? ;P
That Bears game final play caused my family to devolve into chaos. I’ve never seen so many mixed emotions, from the ones who wanted the Bears to lose for draft seeding to the ones who just want them to win.
I don’t root for a tank and I want my team to win… This is what I tell myself when the reports come out that Arthur Smith is likely safe for next year barring a collapse.
This is a situation that I might actually root for the collapse. Any opinions Dave?
As a fan on the Raiders I found myself rooting against my team earlier in the year, because I knew getting rid of McDaniels was better for the team in the long run. It’s a rough spot to be in for sure though.
I dont know if I can actively root for collapse because I don’t know if I trust reports like that, lots of coaches on the hot seat get the public thumbs up moments before disaster.
Last nights game was a great bookend to this weekend of chaos. Loved seeing Lock win with some great throws and plenty of horrible ones but none as bad as two Hurts INTs.
For the Vikings, this week’s loss hurt even more than the losses to the Broncos and Bears did. Yet another golden opportunity completely squandered because the team has an irrational phobia of having comfortable leads of multiple scores and just HAS to let the other team back in it somehow. In this case, we let a statement win in the palm of our hands slip away by virtue of the defense vanishing so hard you’d think that Ed Donatell had never been fired. The same defense that, just a week earlier, shut out the team that dunked 63 THIS week, I might add.
There’s a lot of blame to go around, but the dagger to the Vikings’ heart in this game though, I feel, was the fault of KOC. And I think you know why. Those failed tush pushes using the WRONG PEOPLE FOR THE JOB. I agree with the tush push on 3rd down, but NOT ON 4TH WHEN THE BENGALS ARE NOW EXPECTING IT. Also, way to completely ignore your DC calling for you to use a time-out, because surely THIS time our underweight players can pull this off!
Please Lions, just end our misery. I can’t take this shit anymore. This team needs a fucking exorcist.
Oddly enough, I thought Cousins was on the verge of a breakout season.
That’s the thing about Cousins. After all the shade that gets thrown at him by the media and the fans that don’t know any better, he’d been making pro-bowl numbers and practically DRAGGING us into wins we otherwise would not have gotten. It was especially the case last year, but unfortunately that checkdown on 4th and 8 with the season on the line is the only play people are going to remember him for during that time (which is annoying, because yes it was a bad play, but we would never have been in that situation to begin with if our DC at the time was anyone other than Ed Donatell).
Now you’re seeing how it is without him. We got a flash in the pan with Dobbs, but that was it.
Okay, correction. KOC WASN’T ignoring Flores when he was calling for him to use a time-out. Apparently, he wanted to but was told by the refs the play had already been reviewed and that it was too late. So…..mea culpa on that one.
Still a terrible 4th down play, though.
I just wanna know if Matty Patty is coming back to TDP. Please?
> If the Steelers win, I will draw Mike Tomlin as the ghost of Christmas future
I know there’s zero chance we’ll actually pull this off, but it’s the first Mason Rudolph start since 2019 on a Christmas themed week.
If you truly hated us, you’d wish for yinzers debating a Mason Rudolph QB controversy.