The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Oh man. We ate well this week, friends. So well. We started so strongly on Thanksgiving with Bears/Lions. I think one of the best moments of the week had to be that first game. The Bears put up a fight against the Lions in a game nobody expected them to put up a fight in (except me, I did, go back and check I saw this shit coming). They had the Lions on the edge. They were in field goal range. They had a time out for safety. They let 40 seconds tick off the clock and lost. Maybe the worst case of time management I have ever witnessed. I spent most of those last 40 seconds casually waiting for the next play only to look at the clock when it started, realizing at the same time as everyone else just how the Bears had blown it. On Friday, they did something they’ve never done in their 100+ year history: they fired a coach midseason. Incredible work, Chicago.

Giants/Cowboys also living up to billing. The billing, was, of course, a war crime. The game met that expectation. The Dolphins continued to show that they can’t play in the cold whatsoever. They are never beating the allegations of having no grit. Black Friday featured the Chiefs once again getting away with it. They have fully become the Patriots, in that now teams are so scared of them they just fuck up and give the Chiefs a win. The Chiefs should have like 8 wins instead of this nonsense.

Sunday ramped up the fun though with some hilarious games. The Colts and Patriots had a complete mid-off, which translated into a great game. Drake Maye does his best with these bums, but they are bums. The Colts figured it out at the end, and to put a cherry on top, they went for 2 and the win. They got it. Mayo decided to try for a 68 yard field goal to end the game. I appreciated the gumption but the kick was a 65 yarder at best. The Texans did nothing to beat the allegations of fraud by struggling to beat the helpless Jaguars, who lost Trevor early in the game due to a dirty hit. The Jets found a brand new way to fail. They went up early on the Seahawks and watched as the Seahawks did Seahawks things (shooting themselves in the foot). Of course then The Seahawks came back to win it anyway. Outstanding stuff.

The Falcons. My god, the Falcons. They absolutely stuffed the Chargers offense, holding them under 200 total yards and sacking herbie 5 times. But Phat Dumpy deflated and threw 4 terrible interceptions. Penix will be thrust deep into the game soon and must rise to the occasion. But that wasn’t even the funniest NFC South experience. Bucs and Panthers delivered the nonsense with primo quality. Bryce Young has become Bryce Adult. Well, maybe Bryce Young Adult, but the kid is playing effective football for once. Benching him seems to have gotten his head straight. The Panthers managed to hold back the Bucs for most of the game, and even took the lead with the final 30 seconds. Then the Bucs managed to force overtime with a mega-kick, and forced a fumble in overtime to stop the Panthers advances. After another field goal, it was over. Incredible ending to a silly game. The Saints were the odd one out this time, losing a stinker to the Rams.

The Ravens lost another game because Justin Tucker is washed. The Vikings won another game in which they looked like they deserved to lose. The Titans were drunk vomiting on the sidewalk for most of the game against the Commies. The Bengals once again put up a great offensive performance only to lose anyway as the Steelers put up their best performance in ages to solidify another winning season for Mike Tomlin. And the Bills. What more can be said about our favorite football moose. I love Josh Allen.

But the week saved the best for last.

GIANTS COFFIN
–It occurred to me this week that this is the Giants big 100 year celebration season. There is a massive debate in Giants circles now about keeping Schoen and Daboll or firing them. If the Giants do end up with the worst record in football in a year about celebrating their existence, I can’t imagine a world where butthurt John Mara doesn’t let them go. After performances like Thanksgiving, I don’t see how you can keep them. This roster is a mess. It isn’t necessarily Schoen’s fault that Barkley, McKinney, and even Julian Love and Leonard Williams are balling out on new teams but it doesn’t reflect well on keeping talent. Nabers is a low-key headcase. Schoen made a big stink about getting a QB this year to compete with Danny and we ended up with Drew Lock, who is just Daniel Jones with a personality. DeVito’s a nobody. Every week makes it more and more likely these guys get let go and I’m fine with it. I think Daboll is a good OC but lacking as a HC and seems to have lost the locker room. Schoen needed a big win in these past 3 years and he doesn’t have one. He has a bunch of smaller, good moves, but 1 very bad mistake and other smaller errors. I’d prefer to keep Daboll over Schoen, but I think they are a package deal.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–This one is a bit personal. Not to take anything away from the game itself, however. Raise your hand if you expected Browns/Broncos to be a shootout. Yeah, didn’t think so. Going into this game I was more nervous than I have ever been for MNF. Unlike every other week in cartoon bets history, I was perfect to this point. I had never achieved this feat in all my years of bets. All I needed now was the Broncos defense to shut down Jameis and for Bonix to play just well enough to win. What I got was multiple heart attacks as Jameis Winston put up maybe the most Jameis Winston performance of all time.

Almost 500 yards. Half of them to Jerry Jeudy, having the game of his life. Almost 60 attempts. But Jameis didn’t throw just 4 touchdowns. He threw 6. Two of them were to the Broncos. The game was tight through the entire experience. The Broncos got off to an early lead and struggled to keep a hold of it until the Browns eventually snuck past them late. The Broncos were cowards and settled for a field goal to go up by 2 and gave the ball back to our chaos rapist with just under 3 minutes. Thats when Jameis decided one pick 6 wasn’t enough so he iced the game for the Broncos and I felt the hand of god rest upon my head and tousle my hair, telling me I was going to be okay. But it wasn’t over yet. I had been celebrating, but the Browns got the ball down to the 1 yard line on a DPI call. They had 40 seconds and 2 timeouts. The chances were small, but now I was at risk of having the worst case of “celebrating too early” that I’ve ever had.

I felt god’s hand upon my shoulder, and a loud booming voice said “lol watch this”. Jameis then threw the dumbest pick in the world directly to a Bronco in the endzone. It was free. For the first time in all my years, I’d pulled it off. No wrong picks.  In lucky week 13. On top of that, this was Thanksgiving week, a week in which there are no teams on bye, meaning I had to pick the maximum number of games possible, and I still did it. I cannot statistically top this achievement unless I somehow do it again and correctly predict a tie or something. This is it, this is my peak bets. For the first time in my life, I regret not being a gambling man.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Drew Lock throwing the dumbest pick
–LEONARD WILLIAMS 92 YARD THICC 6. Completely changed the game.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Josh Allen throws pass. Amari Cooper gets stuffed, turns around, and laterals the ball to Josh Allen, who then rumbles for the score. That is an all-timer.
-When Jameis threw a pick 6 I hooted. When he threw another one I hollered. When he threw that last pick I wept tears of joy.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Christian McCaffrey going down with a non-contact injury was just another punch to the gut in a season of punches to the gut for San Francisco.

CHAOS WATCH
–The Browns are simply nonsense with goofy rapist at the helm. I genuinely wish Jameis wasn’t a sex-pest. If he didn’t have that in his history, he’d be one of my favorite players for the sheer chaos the man has given us over the years. He’s just a weird ass guy and never has a boring game. But he had to go be a piece of shit.
-What team that doesn’t deserve it is going to face an easy schedule in the last third of the year and cruise into a playoff disappointment? My guess is the Dolphins and Colts.

FRAUD WATCH
–The Ravens might be a good team, but for once, their Achilles heel is the kicking game. You could point the finger at Justin Tucker for basically every loss. It’s sad seeing a legend go down, but you aren’t going to win in the playoffs with this.
-The Seahawks may be leading the NFC West, but they sure seem like a streaky mess of a team.
-The Colts beat up a bad opponent and stay in the playoff hunt. They might just manage to fart their way in with Houston being known frauds.
-The Chiefs might be our first-ever fraud super bowl winner at this rate.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The 49ers have had a very underwhelming year full of heartache and pain, and I can’t say they were expected to win in Buffalo. But this was just ugly and embarassing. The Bills looked like they played a different sport.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK, Brought to you by the New York Giants
–The Giants were indeed putrid and unwatchable this week, but they at least made a sort of game out of it. The Titans were down 28-0 by the second quarter and only scored points after Washington went autopilot.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – SIMPSONS WEEK. We are getting that absolutely cursed Simpsons game on MNF this week, so I may as well lean into the horror

PACKERS @ LIONS
The Packers aren’t actually far behind the Lions in the standings and the Lions have some injury issues. This is a massive game. Thankfully it isn’t actually a short week for either team thanks to Thanksgiving. Lions gotta hold them off to stay the course.
If the Packers win, I will draw Homer Love backing into the bushes flipping us all off

BROWNS @ STEELERS
Russ is good again? Wowee! Also didn’t these two play like a week ago?
If the Browns win, Bart Russ has to say the line “Mr Unlimited”

SAINTS @ GIANTS
With Taysom Hill out, this becomes the most winnable game left on the schedule for New York. Can’t wait to see how they blow it.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Fat Tony

JETS @ DOLPHINS
I love it when old men go to Miami and lose everything. I need to see Mike McDaniel and company style on Rodgers. Rodgers must suffer.
If the Jets win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers as Old Man Yells At Cloud…in darkness

JAGS @ TITANS
Jags. This is your chance. Win one for old Davey. Move down the draft order. Do it for me. You don’t need a QB. I do.
If the Jags win, I will draw Doug Pederson as Poochie, still waiting to die on the way back to his home planet

FALCONS @ VIKINGS
KIRK COUSINS REVENGE GAME. It would be incredible if Brian Flores can send Kirk Cousins into a hell so bad that Penix has to play.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Stupid Sexy Cousins

PANTHERS @ EAGLES
I would love to see the Panthers pull this off, but lol.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Hank Scorpio, taking a torch to Philadelphia

RAIDERS @ BUCS
Bucs good. Raiders not. Wasn’t there a Super Bowl that had this setup?
If the Raiders win, I will draw Antonio Pierce as Kearney, Maxx Crosby as Dolph, and Brock Bowers as Jimbo

SEAHAWKS @ CARDINALS
BIRD FIGHT. Seahawks came out on top last time, and they are very silly this year, so I’ll go Hawks again.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as Sideshow Bob

BEARS @ 49ERS
A struggling team with a poor roster in need of new coaching versus a hobbled, woefully despondent pile of corpses, coached well. Should be fun! I am going New Coach Bump. Go Bears.
If the 49ers win, I will draw George Kittle as Duffman

BILLS @ RAMS
Bills, play drunk. You’re best that way.
If the Rams win, I will draw Principal Stafford

CHARGERS @ CHIEFS
Please god Chargers help end this charade. We cannot allow Kansas City to hold home-field advantage like this.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Grandpa Harbaugh refusing to recognize the state of Missouri

BENGALS @ COWBOYS
How bout them disappointments!?! Which team am I referencing? Yes.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Jerry Jones as the Rich Texan, shooting down segments of the stadium roof

A TIE
If we get a tie, both QBs as man getting hit by football