The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–So apologies for the last week. Thursday night I started feeling pretty rough and a wicked headcold just wiped me out for the next 4 days. I only actually managed to watch a couple games, I watched the second half of the Giants tragic experience and then Fins/Rams on MNF. Everything else I talk about here is being made through a filter of watching recaps, reading posts, and cultural osmosis. Feel free to contribute in the comments about nuances I have likely missed.

Seems I picked a bad week to miss out, tbh.

Got started strong with some TNF nonsense between the Ravens and Bengals. After a slower first half the second half exploded with scores galore, Lamar heroics, and that deadly Burrow/Chase combo. Then refball reared its ugly head as the Ravens committed roughly 3 obvious defensive penalties on the 2pt conversion attempt and everyone walked away from a great game pissed off once more. The Bengals cannot get out of this rut. The week then got stupider with an early start in Munich as BRYCE FUCKING YOUNG now has a 2 game win streak. That’s right folks, Bryce now has won as many games in a row as feet he is tall.

The Bears came within a miracle play of beating the Commanders and have fallen into complete disarray since. They have since fired OC Shane Waldron but it’s too late. What the Bears needed to do was Fire Eberflus in January on 2024. Too late for that! The Bears keeping a lame duck coach who should have been fired for one extra year to ruin a new franchise QB is now a certified trend and it one of the reasons I’m nervous about giving Daboll an extra year. Christian McCaffrey came back and the 49ers took care of the Bucs in yet another tough loss for a good team. Jake Moody provided most of the comedy for the game, shanking 3 different kicks (More like Jake Missy imo) before making the gamewinner to nullify all the jokes. Nice save, Moody.

The Chiefs won again. The 2024 Chiefs might be the most infuriating team I’ve watched in a long time. I’d have more respect for them if they had like, 2-3 losses. This is some absolute horseshit. The Broncos defense absolutely balled out and they deserved to win this game only for a blocked kick to seal it? I hate watching this Chiefs team, outside Chris Jones. Mahomes is dr checkdown now and doesn’t do many cool Mahomes things anymore. The offense is miserable. Kelce is basically irrelevant and old. Hopkins is too old to be that important. It feels like something has to break, even just for one week, and it won’t. Absolute bullshit viewing experience. I knew the Chiefs would become insufferable as they continued to dominate the NFL but at least they used to be watchable. There were Patriots Dynasty teams I had more fun watching than this. Those teams bored me. This Chiefs team makes me angry.

I could recap Bills/Colts but eh. I’m curious what’s going on in Indy. Was Richardson a Steichen guy or not? Seems like a guy you have to give reps to no matter the growing pains but the Colts have given up on him. The Saints enjoyed the new coach bump! Friday’s comic will be about Dennis Allen as I had it partially done before I got sick. The Commies ran into a competent Steelers team and it looks like Russ might not be totally washed quite yet. The game also featured some funny special teams gaffes as Pittsburgh dropped a perfect fake punt and Washington muffed a punt directly to a Steeler. This game though was also soured by refball with one of the worst spots in ages. If you want to make the argument that he came up short, I’ll disagree, but I’ll entertain the argument. The Refs spotted it a full yard short, past even where his feet where when he was downed. Utter embarassment from the officials. This shouldn’t be normal.

Vikings/Jags was pretty shit. Vikings played like they wanted to lose but you can’t lose to McCorkle Jones. Also the Jaguars white helmet should go on a shelf in a back closet and stay there forever. The Chargers are either the same old Chargers (which means it’s a primetime meltdown) or the stout, unremarkable and solid new Chargers, like they were against Tennessee. Nothing beats the Jets though: except everyone. The Cardinals are better than expected this season and the Jets are a laughingstock. Arizona just beat the fuck out of those jersey boys, and I know you readers laughed as much as I did. Probably more, I was just watching highlights. Lastly, the Cowboys are just putrid now. They went from a team winning 11+ games per year for several years to this. They are lucky they still play the Giants this year. Or maybe unlucky, because now winning is bad for them.

 

GIANTS CORNER
–If Daniel Jones starts another game for this team (outside emergency injury situations) I am going to scream. A lot of people have wanted to see what Daboll and company could do with an actual QB out there and think they deserve to keep their jobs but I just don’t know if I trust them either. How do you keep trotting this piece of processed turkey meat from the dirtiest safeway in your city out there under center every single week after it is so abundantly clear he doesn’t deserve it? Are they using him as a shield? As long as Danny plays, the problems can all be pinned on him? If Drew Lock goes out there and looks competent, that makes you wonder why they didn’t do it earlier. If tanking is the goal, Lock and DeVito are both bad quarterbacks who aren’t an injury away from costing the team an extra 23 million. Daboll and Schoen have gained the dreaded job safety declaration from John Mara but I don’t think that should be trusted. The Panthers game was a joke. The Panthers didn’t even play well, the Giants (especially Jones) just fucked up plenty of times. Seems like it might have finally broken the seal and the Giants are being cagey about answering the QB question as they enter the bye week. DeVito or Lock (I assume Lock) is going to come out and play on Thanksgiving as the new starter, they will lose, but Lock will also throw a touchdown to Nabers and hopefully Daniel Jones never throws a meaningful ball for this team ever again.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Houston Fraud Status: Extreme Red Alert. Evacuate immediately. This was a murphy’s law game for Jared Goff. The Texans in their alarmingly red alternates spent most of the game making it look like the Lions were suffering an off-week. But the Texans couldn’t punch it in very effectively and this would prove their undoing as they didn’t put enough distance between them and the Hot Rod Squad. Goff threw 5 picks! Okay, lets be honest, only 4 mattered (#3 was a halftime hail mary). This was prime Jared Goof territory. But nobody has had a sweeter redemption these past years than our old punching bag Jared Goff, who even now doesn’t seem to be treated as an elite QB despite playing like one (this game not-withstanding for most of it). The Lions kicker Jake Bates deserves the most accolades here though, because even in a year dominated by 50+ yard kicks, what he did stands out. A 58 yarder to tie the game up with 5 minutes left that snuck inside the right upright by less than a football’s width. Then, with 3 seconds left, from 52 yards out, he does the exact same thing, only on the left side. Maybe less than two inches on either kick might have doomed it, but he did it. Incredible work, Jake Bates.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Bengals finishing refficiating disaster
–Baker Mayfield stiff arming Nick Bosa until he could make the throw. On 4th down. Baker Mayfield reaching unheard of levels of Dawg. I love watching this man. Tampa is 4-6 and they feel so much better than that. The opposite of a fraud. A Duarf?
–There was a stretch in the Rams/Phins game where like 3 straight drives ended in silly turnovers

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Didn’t really cackle at anything seeing as I didn’t really see much live so I couldn’t be surprised.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-When I forced my disgusting, snot filled face to wake up and turn my laptop on at 730am on a Sunday just to watch Jones throw a terrible pick in the redzone. I muscled through the rest of that experience, checked my temperature to see it was 101, and decided nothing was worth this and went back to sleep.

CHAOS WATCH
–I swear I believe in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I firmly believe this team is better than their record and will upset someone come playoff time.
–Bryce Young isn’t good now, but that’s two weeks in a row that the Panthers have sent a team into disarray by simply winning. If they beat Dallas Mike McCarthy might be out on his ass.

FRAUD WATCH
–Houston you scam artists. You are in line for fraud of the year. They are in line to be the worst division winner, so they will likely play the highest wildcard, and get blown up.
–The Bills perpetually worry me a little bit. They frequently feel like they should be better than they are during games. 
-Feels like the mirage is fading on the Vikings early success. They are still winning, but it doesn’t feel decisive or fun anymore.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Yes, the Saints had New Coach Bump (Certified Chaos Factor) and this rivalry is unpredictable, but to lose against a team that had lost 7 in a row and was full of injuries? Falcons, for shame. This is why no one will ever take you seriously.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Bears, the Jets, and the Cowboys all deserve to be here, but I’ll give it to the Bears. The Jets had a little bit of success in the game and the Cardinals are respectable. The Cowboys are starting Cooper Rush. The Bears scored a whopping 3 points. Against NEW ENGLAND. AT HOME. Matt can get Eberflucked.

 

Oh. I guess I should also post these, huh?

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – POKEMON WEEK

COMMIES @ EAGLES
Whoever wins this probably controls the division. This is it, Commies. Time to prove you got it. Make the Iggles bleed like the capitalist pigs they are.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Braviary defending us from Pokemon Red Scare Version

RAIDERS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins seem to be finding their feet again somewhat and this little gimme game will help immensely.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Antonio Pierce fishing for Finizen

BROWNS @ SAINTS
Well now. Jameis Winston vs his team from last year. The Saints finally win. This is two raccoons fighting over the dumpster behind taco bell. Vegas has New Orleans at home so I’ll go Saints.
If the Browns win, I will draw Geodude punching the pope

COLTS @ JETS
The Jets are in “save whatever dignity you can on the way out” mode. Can they do anything? I’ll give them a bit of credit and hope for them here.
If the Colts win, I will draw a Mudbray kicking Rodgers in the face

VIKINGS @ TITANS
Vikings, you’ve been slipping, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Nobody else will see this week either because you get to beat up Will Levis, but I’ll know. I’ll know.
If the Titans win, I will draw Aegislash victorious over a slain Darnold

PACKERS @ BEARS
Winning this game might be the only way anyone in Chicago saves their job. Too bad that won’t happen.
If the Bears win, I will draw Snorlax sleeping on Jordan Love

JAGS @ LIONS
Ever wonder what would happen if you threw a cat into one of those industrial sized woodchippers you see tree removal companies using to clean up branches in parks? We are about to find out in real time.
If the Jags win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Misty. I know he’s hurt, but do you want to see Mac Jones as Misty instead? Didn’t think so.

RAMS @ PATS
Rams don’t embarass yourselves here. It would be very sad for everyone. Except maybe for Stunkei down there in the comments.
If the Pats win, I will draw Drake Mankey

RAVENS @ STEELERS
This sucker probably also decides total control over the division going forward. Steelers have a better defense, Ravens have a better offense, I feel like the defense tends to win these days and in this rivalry in general.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Corvisquire Lamar and Corviknight Henry

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
Frustrating Hawks get to come out of a bye right into a healthy 49ers squad in Santa Clara. Lol.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Hawlucha wrestling “Brock” Purdy

FALCONS @ BRONCOS
Fuck it I’m going Falcons so I have a chance to draw Bonix again
If the Broncos win, I’m drawing Bonix however I damn well please

CHIEFS @ BILLS
Fucking Christ Bills redeem this season and be the first team to beat this annoying franchise for one damn week. I’m begging you. Even with your bad history against them.
If the Bills win, I will draw Bouffalant

BENGALS @ CHARGERS
This is a primetime game, so expect full Chargering. Bengals in the upset.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Electabert

TEXANS @ COWBOYS
I wonder if the NFL wishes they had flexed this one sooner. Texans get a gimme against a mess.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Jerry Jones as Meowth

BYES: Giants, Cardinals, Panthers, Bucs

A TIE
If we get a tieboth QBs as Jessie and James