Troy Polamalu Tries To Get Into Steelers Practice
Some guy who looks very little like Troy Polamalu managed to sneak his way into Steelers practice last week wearing Troy Polamalu’s jersey. He demanded to cover Antonio Brown. He did not get his chance. The thing I most gathered from the footage and the photos is just how much the security guy clearly didn’t want to deal with this shit right now. I mean, look at that face. That’s the face of a man who wished this had happened to literally anybody else. We’ve all had that day at work. This is the face of a guy who just dealt with a customer who asked to see the manager.
Props to faker dude though, if nothing else the guy is in fantastic shape and could totally pass for a real NFL player. Not the NFL player who’s jersey he was wearing, but maybe RG3. If you are going to sneak into a practice facility don’t wear the same jersey number as one of the most iconic looking players in history. Seriously, when people think Troy Polamalu, they think of his ridiculous hair. You didn’t even have to know what his face looked like, his hair was that identifiable.
I wish the dude had gotten a chance to actually cover AB though. I know it would never have happened, but a man can dream. In an alternate reality somewhere the dude actually got his chance, covered AB successfully, and got a job on the team. Then became a HoF conerback. Then lost all his money in a ponzi scheme and now works as an assistant manager at his local Subaru dealership. You wouldn’t believe the APR financing. His go to sale-closer move is saying “Let me sign you up, you got nothing to lose”. Then one day Antonio Brown walks in with his niece. Antonio was severely embarrassed that day long ago and his career never recovered. He recognizes fake dude. Fake dude doesn’t recognize him. Brown asks to take the new Forester for a test drive. He drives to the nearby dockyard, kicks faker out the door into the water, and drives off. A police chase ensues but AB’s still got it and manages to shake the cops. At least, until he posts a snapchat of him bragging about it behind a local McDonalds. Antonio is arrested, they find cocaine in his glovebox, and a judge who doesn’t want to appear soft on celebrities throws the book at him.
In jail Antonio Brown loses his passion for life and falls in with a gang, just another victim of our prison system. By the time he gets out 6 years later, He’s Antonio no more. Now he’s only known as Shanks. Shanks doesn’t fit into modern society. When he went in, it was the iPhone 15. Now it’s the Microsoft Apple Galaxy note 50. He doesn’t recognize this world and turns back to crime. He violates parole and goes on the lam in Arkansas. He lives out his days making moonshine in the Ozarks. When he finally passes of liver cancer at age 66 in his wooded cabin, he’s found a mediocum of peace, and he goes quietly in his sleep. Maybe not a life well lived, but a life lived well enough. Rest in peace, Antonio “Shanks” Brown.
The best part is if you subscribe to the theory of infinite realities, this 100% happened. There is also a reality where he dresses as a rabbit and becomes a children’s TV show character named Mr. Bun Bun.
That’s not quite how infinite realities works, but I liked the story nonetheless.
There is a sequence of events where it does happen so…..Kinda?
Dave really should be a writer if he isn’t already.
Infinite Realities theory says that all events with probability greater than zero will occur; the problem is, we don’t actually know the possibility of any of these events. It’s entirely possible that the same trait that allows Brown to have the drive to get in the NFL would prevent him from joining a gang or losing his zest for life. Even if a narrative is plausible, that doesn’t necessarily make it possible.
Infinite Realities theory says that all events with probability greater than zero will occur; the problem is, we don’t actually know the possibility of any of these events.
which is why theres always an implicit assumption that the events have nonzero probability
do you just hate fun
Dave……are you ok? I think you might need somebody to talk to……
That story got really bizarre.
Dave, DAVE! Wake up! You were laughing at the picture of that security guard, and next thing you know you passed out and started mumbling the word “shanks” over and over.
Bonus story: Next week the real Troy Polamalu will show up to say hi and observe the practice but will be turned away by the same guy
“Oooooh, no, I’m not falling for that one again”
I think I might just believe now, just to maybe one day get a glimpse of “Shanks” Brown in case our realities intertwine.
Dave, it’s time to step away from the Preseason football, since it is clearly driving you insane
wow that escalated quickly.
wow that escalated fast.
RIP Shanks. This layer of the multiverse is just too trash for you to be here.
The story sounded like a good blues song or something.
I’m pretty sure that guy’s name is Willie Mays Hayes.
Patiently waiting for Shanks or Mr Bun Bun to become a recurring character.
There already is a Mr. Bun Bun; he was the main villain of the Underfist special/spin-off pilot (from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy).
The more you know…
Maybe in THIS universe
that bizarre stream of thought was just what I needed after the day I just had… I probably looked like that security guard at times, today…
If there are infinite universes, in one of them, football rules dictate the 55 yard line is midfield and you can get one point for something called a “rouge.”
In another universe, whoever is reading this is getting all their teeth extracted tomorrow and replaced with implants made out of fossilized dinosaur poo.
Dude, why are you guys doing that? Sounds weird. A single point for a missed field goal if the ball doesn’t make it back out of the endzone? Strange.
How dare you. Troy Polamalu’s hair is not ridiculous, it is fucking glorious and you will bow down before it in worship!
I did not mean ridiculous in a bad way, I meant it in an amazing way, best mane in football
in the crossbeam you see he carved in SHANKS WAS HERE
You’re not Dave! Stephen King, what have you done with Dave?
Cops: “Hey, you’re that crook-Shanks!”
AB: “I wasn’t in Harry Potter.”
I laughed too hard at this.
That offseason really did a number on you Dave. Just two more weeks
I need the Mr. Bun Bun comic please.
“Antonio is arrested” Well that happened in 2020.