The Draw Play

You might be familiar with this classic internet image:

That’s basically the Vikings current QB room. During the Monday Night Football game, while the Vikings probably wore the whitest uniforms ever made, ESPN shared this graphic.

Now that’s a 90’s college frat house cast if I’ve ever seen one. Even with QB being probably the overall whitest position in the sport, having 5 guys who could all feasibly be named Kevin in another timeline is an accomplishment. How’d this even happen? The Vikings managed to dump probably the whitest QB in the entire league (Kirk Cousins) and then built up the light mode app you see before you. Sam Darnold at least grew a beard, which gives him some unique flavor. Sam of course came to the Vikings by way of San Francisco, where he studied under another impossibly white QB, Brock Purdy. Nick Mullens was the backup last year. Brett Rypien showed up right before the season started after rookie JJ McCarthy (the next great white hope) died of a knee injury. Daniel Jones is the weirdest addition. After being cut from the Giants he went to Minnesota and deliberately joined the practice squad, just in case a different team wanted to call him for a gig. Nobody has. Why would they.

I just kept seeing what looks like one of those direct-to-DVD American Pie movies looking at that image. They all go to a rich private college. Sam is Frat President, god emperor of Alpha Beta Caucasia house. He’s been there for 7 years because his parents own a TV conglomerate and don’t care what he does. Nick is the smelly gross guy. The one who farts in class, drinks to excess, and pukes on the girls he’s trying to hit on. His parents are landlords in Florida. Brett is the skeeze, the one who thinks he’s got game but doesn’t and resorts to pick-up artist tactics against inebriated co-eds, only to somehow end up in bed with the dean’s wife. He’s from a small Christian town and his parents are wealthy megachurch preachers. Dimes is the nerd, the smart one of the bunch who is constantly ignored when he tries to get the others to chill out. He gets roped in anyway and keeps getting in trouble. His parents are high-powered lawyers in New York. JJ is Rook, the rookie newbie pledge who is naive and full of hope and by the end of the movie he’s been lost completely to debauchery. Don’t do it Rook. Don’t become a Vikings QB. That way lies the void.

Also the Vikings white uniforms sucked. They didn’t look like the Vikings at all. How do you not even make the helmet horn purple so you could see it on the helmet? How do you have a barely silver shoulder stripe with a super thin purple stripe in the middle? Terrible. Stop this nonsense.