The Day That Roger Goodell Died
For about 6 minutes on a bright Tuesday afternoon, the world was a different place. A place of hope. A place of change. A place where maybe, just maybe, things might be alright. A place where players in the NFL received justified compensation for injuries. A place where wearing the wrong socks was not worth more in fines than an illegal hit to the head. A place where we didn’t have a 17 month scandal based around saggy balls. Because for those 6 minutes, Roger Goodell was dead.
For those who missed the fun, on Tuesday someone hacked the NFL twitter account and posted the tweet seen in the comic above. The internet immediately went nuts. Including myself of course. As dumb and bad as twitter can get, it’s always entirely worth those moments when something like this happens, when you can participate in the chaos as it unfolds in real time.
Figures the one 2016 celebrity death we all might have been okay with was a fake
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) June 7, 2016
They say Roger Goodell is still alive but now we are just getting into the philosophical ponderings of artificial intelligence
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) June 7, 2016
"I did not die, I have simply molted into my second form" says Roger Goodell pic.twitter.com/kxxAmPDK7O
— Dave Rappoccio (@DrawPlayDave) June 7, 2016
I’m eagerly awaiting what happens now. Someone hacked the NFL’s twitter account. I mean damn. You saw what they did to Tom “Saggers” Brady for a minor thing. The NFL scales of justice are reversed from normal. A shitbag girl beater gets second chances, sock colors are massive fines, and Tom Brady possibly sagging balls is 16+ months of high level litigation. A twitter hack that was ultimately harmless outside a few laughs? This guy is getting the death penalty. I hope this joker has made peace with his gods. All of the gods. Hell hath no fury like an embarrassed chinless dork-robot in charge of the country’s most popular sport.
I’m slightly disappointed in the hacker. He had an amazing opportunity and all we got was a fake death tweet. It wasn’t the worst angle to take, but he probably should have picked something that was a touch more sublte, more damaging, or more immature to really take advantage. Maybe tweet about how the NFL thinks concussions are fake. Or post pictures of porn. Or just tweet the word POOP as much as humanly possible until you lose control of your access and the NFL social media people are panicking as they try to delete them all. Or link people to Goatse. Maybe invent a fake story about how the NFL secretly paid off the lawyers against Greg Hardy or something really scandalous, something harder to verify within 6 minutes. This guy got access to one of the big accounts and all we got was a fake death tweet. I give it a B-. Not bad, but it just feels like we missed so much potential.
I personally would have tweeted “I don’t want anybody else when I think about you I touch myself” with a photoshopped picture of Roger Goodell hate-masturbating to Tom Brady. Then Poop over and over again till I lost access.
Here’s to hoping Condoleezza Rice takes over for Goodell someday. 🙁
I am still upset she wasn’t made commish last time.
However, if the wheels of fate instead conspire to somehow make her President, I will be content.
That’s even better
#CondoleezzaPrez2016
Onto arena ball recaps from last week;
The first game featured Cleveland ending their home season with the fall of Geno Smith the linebacker as Zona proves my hot taeks are worse than Peter King by not being dead and recovering to win solidly by the count of 77-62. Cleveland is now 5-5; the Rattlers are now 7-3.
Game 2: Remember when Tampa won last week and gave me hope. Fuck hope. Just seriously. Tampa goes cross country to winless Portland and gets murdered to an 0-8 team in the 1-15 bowl as Portland wins 68-35 in their first home game since the great Chicago fire of 1871.
Game 3: Philly played Jacksonville in J’ville. J’ville can no longer play in the 4th quarter as the game was close, until the 4th, just like all Sharks game since that epic clash with Zona. The Sharks have amazing talent and their wide-outs have all been 1st team all-Arena in the past 2 years. Jacksonville lost 4-5. Tampa is their treat next week. Maybe tampa can win. Philly goes to 8-2.
Last game from last week: Orlando isn’t good, they’re just lucky. The game was tied against LA with a back-up, rookie QB for the KISS 41-41 all. LA was getting ready to kick, but like something out of the football follies, the snap went over the holder’s head out of the back of the endzone (Arena fields are only 50 yards long). Preds win 43-41, move up to 8-2, it’s the third game in league history to end on a safety [Denver Dynamite vs. Chicago Bruisers in league’s first ever tv game (wk1, game 2 in league history, first O.T. game) 1987][Toronto Phantoms vs. New Jersey Red Dogs (Jersey team named after the beer; same franchise as the Cleveland Gladiators); 2002]
Onto this week’s games. All games will be played on Saturday June 11th.
Game 1: (3pm; ESPN3 and Comcast Sports Philly): I feel sorry for the KISS as the team heads east to play the other music-themed team, the 8-2 Philly Soul. Soul are consistently good, and although the game’s in Trenton, NJ, the Soul should win easily.
If there is any game worth watching for its value to sports history, watch Tampa vs. J’ville at 5pm on CBS Sports Network Storm WR T.T. Tolliver is 3 tds, 12 catches, and 100 yards away breaking all arena football receiving records, even though he spent his first 3 years in the Arena League as a defensive specialist, not a wide-out (Arena League used to be a Ironman league in which players played both sides of the ball, except for the QB, kicker, and a secondary specialist). T.T.’s career stats are, by the numbers, are 4th all-time among ALL pro football players (NFL and CFL included), behind only Jerry Rice, T.O., and Geroy Simon (CFL).
For the actual game, J’ville by 10
Last 2 games for week 11, 7:30pm (ESPN3) Cleveland goes to Orlando to start their long road journey as Geno Smith the linebacker tries to recover vs. The Preds, a team that knows how to play in the 4th quarter unlike the Sharks. Gladiators will lose to Orlando in a close game as they will probably score the league 3,000,000th point (league is 298 points away, average points scored per game by both teams combined is 98-105)
Last game is Portland at ‘Zona for the 3rd time this season. Rattlers won both games by 30+ points same result here (FOX Sports Arizona/ESPN3; 9pm)
jfc post this shit on reddit
Is there a draw play reddit
I never even heard about his “death” until after the fact.
“I personally would have tweeted “I don’t want anybody else when I think about you I touch myself” with a photoshopped picture of Roger Goodell hate-masturbating to Tom Brady. Then Poop over and over again till I lost access.”
…
I’m the only person in the world who likes Goodell besides Cowherd (I also like Cowherd).
I guess I should die
You should.
Ok
Are you dead yet?
I bet he also likes Skip Bayless
Nope
I don’t know if the hate for Goodell is taken seriously or not. During the draft you hear boo’s, but no rushing the stage or thrown items. It seems like a silly hate.
Maybe it’s just that he actually is doing a poor job at holding the NFL Shield, but as he says “It’s an entertainment venue” or something like that. At the end of the day it’s just football. Could be managed better
I hate Skip
You’re right, the hacker missed some great potential. I would’ve sat back with my popcorn to see how the NFL tried to recover from a “concussions are fake” tweet.
If I had that power I would have said: a wide variety of racial slurs, concussions are fake, “we piss on your money”, post a gif of Goodel shitting all over the American flag, “Ray rice is the golden standard in how to treat bitches”, and “we have a nuke to blow up the queen of England unless you bow down to true korea/mother russia”.
I’m now offically on the NSA watch list.
Yeah you better hope the FBI doesn’t come after your ass after what you just said
Shouldn’t the ‘You shouldn’t have done that’ speech bubble becoming from Goodell not the soon-to-be-eaten NFL minion?
“NFL releases official statement: ‘Fuck the Eagles’.”
Mike Carey reviewed the Tweet.
Ruling on the Tweet confirmed, tweet stands, Commissioner is dead…
After further review, the process of death was not completed by maintaining lifelessness and making a deceased move. The tweet on the field is reversed, the Commissioner is alive.
Also, unnecessary roughness on James Harrison. $50,000 fine.
It was either Brady, a St Louis resident, Suh, James Harrison, or Josh Gordon
Or a Saints fan.
Or John Elway
You heard about Trent Richardson thinking he’ll be a hall of famer?
Who’s excited for the mlb draft tonight? All the waiting of the nfl draft, but without the excitement of seeing the guy actually play that year.
At least 5 future qbs will be taken in the 36th round
Yeah, it was me. Sorry about that-I knew when he would die, but I timeslided to the wrong date. Let me go try again…
tbh should’ve pulled a Chaps and do something mind-boggling to everyone (or a certain team).
Maybe it’s just the eyes, but the third panel made me think the guy was Eli for a second.
Looks like Cooper Manning
“The NFL is proud to announce an annual $10 million donation to help research more about the confirmed link between concussions and long-term brain injuries. In addition we will be donating the same amount (again, annually) to the Retired Players Association to assist with health issues caused by this sport. We know that it’s not enough to make up for our covering up the evidence previously, but we hope that this small measure helps ease some of the suffering we’ve caused.”
That’s better than anything else. Something that would make them look like assholes for retracting.
“Tom Brady’s 4 Game Suspension Has Been Rescinded”
It would have been great to see Pats’ fans initial celebrations, and then their reactions after they realized that the tweet was fake.
It has to fit the twitter character limit, unfortunately. Maybe something like
“NFL and the NFL Player’s Association announce: We are removing marijuana and all other nonsynthetic cannabanoids from the NFL List of Prohibited Substances effective Sept. 2016. #legalization”