The Bengals Make A Big Splash For Bobby Hart
I guess I have to pull myself out of my booze hole and laugh at other teams before I go back to my room and cry some more.
This was supposed to be the Wednesday comic, before Beckxit happened. Fucking hell.
Anyway some of you, probably many of you, are wondering why on earth I would make a comic about the Bengals signing Bobby Hart. Hell, I’d wager many of you don’t even know who the fuck Bobby Hart is. Dave, with all these amazing free agency moves like Antonio Brown or LeVeon Bell or Nick Foles…why are you making a comic about an Olineman for the Bengals? Who is even going to remember Bobby Hart in the next year? Who is going to come back and read this comic in two months and even remember who this is, even if they know who it is right now? And that, my friends…is sort of the reason I did it. We don’t deserve to remember Bobby Hart in the same way that Bobby Hart does not deserve 21 million dollars.
Outside of…the mistake…this is the move in the past week that flabbergasted me the most. This was a baffling move by the Bengals. For those of you who do not know who Bobby Hart is, I understand. You have no reason to. I am more…privileged(?) than most in this regard. You see, Bobby Hart used to be a New York Giant. He was a 7th round pick in 2015. By the way, this happened to be the same draft that the Giants picked Ereck Flowers. In a sort of poetic justice, the Giants drafted their bookends to their worst ever offensive line with their bookend picks in 2015.
Ereck Flowers got all the headlines for his suckitude probably because he was a high pick. Hart didn’t have expectations on him. Yet he made the team and got the starting position when Marshall Newhouse died. But during the glory days of the past few seasons, when the Giants had an argument for the worst offensive line in the NFL…Giants fans were sometimes seen fighting in comment sections about who was worse: Ereck Flowers or Bobby Hart. That’s how bad Hart was. He had a legitimate argument as the worst starter on one of the worst lines despite Ereck Flowers existing on the other end. Bobby Hart is not very good, is what I’m trying to say. As I write this, he’s already made two false starts.
The guy who’s twitter handle is “IGotHart” quit on the team in 2017, refusing to play the last game. In retrospect…good for him. At the time, bitch move. He went to the Bengals last season and proceeded to continue to suck. Bobby Hart was rated as the 75th best tackle by PFF…out of 80. The Bengals, despite seeing this disaster up close for a full season, have elected to offer this man 21 million dollars for 3 seasons.
I mean, good for Bobby Hart. Get that money, big fella. Save it. Save that shit as much as you can, sir. Hell, go out there and prove me wrong. Can’t be too mad to see a player get some money. And yet…
WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD PLAN? Who spends 21 million dollars on one of the worst tackles in the game? What the fuck are you doing, Bengals? What the fuck are you doing? The Bengals are nothing right now. They are zilch, irrelevant, completely unworthy of attention. This may be the only comic I even make about the team all year. They are stuck in a division with a fascinating drama bomb, an emerging potential ball of fun, and the purple dudes trying out Lamar Jackson, and they are just so….nothing. They have a new coach and I had to google his name because I forgot. Zac Taylor. They should have hired Hue, at least they would be more interesting to watch with that disaster at the helm.
So do not expend energy on the Bengals this year. Spend your energy on better things, like laughing at the Giants.
Fuck my life
Yes, Nick Foles will get his money ship comic and yes, I gotta figure out what to do with Flacco. It’ll happen, give it time.
bengals should get Haskins or Murray and just accept that Andy will only ever get worse
“Yes, Nick Foles will get his money ship comic and yes, I gotta figure out what to do with Flacco.”
Wheeee
And I still think that idea from some time ago about Rodgers staging a mutiny to kick Flacco out is pretty OK, especially since he kinda staged a mutiny to oust his own head coach last season…
he did become a bad ass in the later comics so maybe we say he was abducted by the broncos in space so he has a more dignified death
Only 5.5M guaranteed though. The Bengals can move on from him with minimal pain this time next year if he continues to suck as expected.
I barely knew about the guy until just now. Flowers really did hogged the spotlight, what a whore.
Poetic justice for picking Flowers. I see what you did there.
Man, Firestorm freaked out Coach Zac so much, he spontaneously grew a beard!
HA!
Don’t worry Dave. At least the Giants gave $23M guaranteed to a guy with the same skillset as OBJ that’s 4 years older and will block the development of Sterling Shepard and Cody Latimer. That’s doing something, right?
For more cringe, look up on the mock drafts.
Zac Taylor – fastest beard in the AFC North.
People are going to remember how dumpster the Bengals were before Marvin Lewis appeared. They were relentlessly shit. For someone that started watching in 2001, the only memorable thing they did before Lewis’ tenure was waste Corey Dillon’s career.
Not sure this is worse than what happened to the Dolphins. Bridgewater reportedly turned down a starting gig with them to be Drew’s backup for another year. He said he would’ve done it had they offered “life altering money”. I mean if it all works out and he ends up being Drew’s successor that’d be pretty sweet (I was pulling for the Saints to sign him after the Vikings released him). But it’s not a good sign when someone who hasn’t started in almost 4 years looks at your franchise and says, NOPE.
Seeing Myles Garrett and Olivier Vernon twice this year is going to get Dalton killed again.
The guy would have choke anyway.
I’m a Bengals fan.
No idea who this is, and I couldn’t remember the coach’s last name. I remembered “Zac” though.
Today I started “Marie Kondo-ing” my closet. My Bengals jerseys probably won’t make it.
They do not spark joy.
Don’t spark hate.
Don’t spark plug.
Don’t spark gap.
Don’t sparkler.
The Bengals are less relevant to the NFL than the Florida Marlins.
Beckxit…nice.