The 64 Team NFL Teams Project
You: Dave, wtf is this
Me: So a while ago on the Draw Play discord, some members took it upon themselves to come up with an NFL team for every single state. It got out of hand. I did not participate in this activity, as I find it best to stand back and not interfere when people are playing with fireworks.
At this point, I will stand back. Nothing past this sentence was made or written by me. Okay that’s a lie I added a few editors notes.
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This is just a fun and silly project. A potential thing for all of us to do: what if each state had a minimum of one NFL team apiece? Let’s first state the obvious: this is an obviously horrendous idea. Not only would 64 teams dilute the talent, but the rescheduling, extra time needed, and just TV market bloat: it would be horrible. So this is not a project to say “The NFL should do this, and they’re wrong if they don’t”. Rather, it’s “Let’s just make a league and hypothetical teams for fun.”
As set up, this league would begin in the third week of August. Pregames would be set to individual practices no longer shown on TV a la joint practices. There would be twenty weeks total. Each team gets two byes, with Christmas week being completely off. For teams who are eliminated, that is a nice way to reconnect with family. For everyone else, it acts as a third bye.
Playoffs are March Madness style. No team gets byes anymore, instead with the first seed playing against the 16, 2 against 15, so on and so forth. Here are all of the teams:
Divisions
NFC North
Green Bay Packers – Green Bay keeps the Packers, (Editors note: in fact, this entire division stays the same, because nobody wanks off about NFL history like fans in this division)
Chicago Bears – Stays the Same
Minnesota Vikings – Stays the same
Detroit Lions – Stays the same
NFC Tristate
New York Giants – Since the Giants won the (wide) right in the Super Bowl, they also move to New York to finally become the New York Giants
Buffalo Bills – Stays the same
New Jersey Jets – The Jets will stay in New Jersey. They finally embrace their status as the New Jersey Jets.
Hartford Whalers – Connecticut’s team will pay tribute to the hockey team that used to be there: welcome back Hartford Whalers!
NFC South
New Orleans Saints – The Saints remain where they are (editors note: until global warming sinks it)
Atlanta Falcons – Stays the same
St. Louis Rams – The Rams move back here… suck it Kroenke
Memphis Soul – A reference to Tennessee’s blues scene.
NFC Mid-Atlantic
Boston Patriots – While the Patriots remain, they are renamed to the Boston Patriots. I know they play in Foxboroux, but if the 49ers can get away with it, so can they. The Patriots will receive their old uniforms. Patriot Pat comes back!
Dover Lynx – Dover is a popular city in New Hampshire, while the Lynx is an animal which roams there sometimes in the winter.
Burlington Bandits – with Trash the Raccoon as the mascot.
Maine Lobsters – (Editors Note: They tried to name this team the crabs, despite lobsters being the Maine thing, so I overruled them)
NFC East
Pennsylvania – Philadelphia Eagles -The state keeps both the Steelers and Eagles.
Washington Redtails – Yes, I know it’s not a state. If they get electoral votes, though, I’m counting it separately. They keep the Commanders, but we need to change the name.
Delaware Clams – We finally get the Delaware Clams! Clam Up, baybeeeee!
Virginia Colonials. It’s a nod to the state’s long contribution to American history.
NFC Coastal
Charlotte Panthers – Same team, but now renamed to Charlotte.
Charleston Bobcats – This will be somewhat based on an NBA team, but mostly to match the fact the Panthers are a cat team
Rhode Island Elves -Rhode Island gets the Elves, because Rhode Island is small, get it, get it.
Baltimore Ravens – Kept the same
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks – Washington keeps the Seahawks
Portland Beavers – The name shall be the state animal.
Idaho Spuds – I will hear no slander
The Utah Rangers – based on the rangers who keep the national parks safe.
NFC Wild West
Dallas Cowboys – Stays the Same
Houston Texans – Stays the Same
San Antonio Defenders – A nod to the Alamo.
Oklahoma City Cyclones – Given the fact it’s in the middle of the Tornado belt.
AFC East
Pittsburgh Steelers – The state keeps both the Steelers and Eagles.
Indianapolis Colts – Stays the same, but new division!
Cleveland Browns – Stays the same
Cincinnati Bengals – Stays the same
AFC Back Yard
Tennessee Titans – The state keeps the Titans even after adding the Memphis Soul.
West Virginian Mountaineers. To honor the Appalachian Mountains.
Lexington Spelunkers – This name will pay homage to the caves that populate the area
Rock Island Independents – We will be bringing back an old team to Illinois. For history’s sake, welcome back Rock Island Independents! (Rock Island, IL is over on the border with Iowa)
AFC South
Arkansas Razorbacks – The Razorbacks are such a badass name, that’s the new NFL team in Arkansas for now
Kansas City Chiefs – Stays the Same.
Des Moines Derechos – (Editors note: Derecho is a term for a kind of windstorm)
Mississippi Pilots – This name will be based on the people who traveled down the Mississippi River. Therefore, their name will be The Mississippi River Pilots, or Mississippi Pilots for short, based on the river pilot occupation.
AFC Sand and Sky
Denver Broncos – Stays the same
New Mexico Isotopes – New Mexico receives the New Mexico Isotopes. You’ve seen the Simpsons, just it’s football now.
Arizona Cardinals – Stays the same
Wyoming Wolves – A nod to how Wolves were introduced to Yellowstone National Park, and then saved the area from destroying itself. Colors: Wolves
AFC North
Anchorage Moose – Alaska, we see you. No one shall be left out in the United States of NFL. Alaska is the home of the Anchorage Moose
North Dakota Caravan – Based on the railroad workers who helped allow people to travel west more easily
South Dakota Mammoths – We are basing thing one on a famous dig site
Montana Elk – There’s a surprisingly huge amount of them in the state
AFC West
San Francisco 49ers – Stays the same, but they move back to actual San Francisco
Honolulu Waveriders – Based on the rich culture of surfing and sea life in Hawai’i
San Diego Chargers – Yeah, back where they belong, Spanos.
Los Angeles Stars – Rams moved back to St. Louis, Chargers moved back to SD. I say add a new team called the Stars as a reference to the celebrities that flock to here.
AFC Central
Las Vegas Raiders – They will keep the Raiders. It’s doing the people of Oakland a favor given how they’ve done.
Kansas Countrymen – Kansas is known for its agriculture, and I don’t see many teams named after farmers. As such, welcome Kansas Countrymen
Nebraska Huskers – They keep the Huskers colors too
Aspen Yeti – A second team to Colorado! We will also add a second team known as the Aspen Yeti (Editors note: Why Aspen of all places?)
AFC Panhandle
Miami Dolphins – Stays the same
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Stays the same
Birmingham Devils – It would be tempting to name them the Crimson Tide, but I have a different idea. Nick Saban was the guy who helped elevate football in Alabama, and I believe the new team should be an homage to him a la Paul Brown and the Browns. This will be the Birmingham Devils, a name Saban himself was given
Jacksonville Jaguars – Stays the same
UNIFORMS! for the new teams!
Given the European League of Football has acquired some of the old World League identities, I’d have gone with the San Antonio Riders (best brown uniform I can think of), Orlando Thunder (love me some lime green) and Sacramento Surge (aqua/gold on white just works). The Birmingham Fire look was also better than the WLAF/NFLE Rhein equivalent (though the ELF version is a slight improvement).
I was all on board for this, but Dave forcing the Maine Crabs to become the Maine Lobsters is the kind of greedy corporate oversight that just turns passion projects like this into swill. I will NOT be purchasing season tickets.
As Silent Hill is in Maine, I would root for the Maine Specters
NFC Mid-Atlantic should surely be NFC Northeast, right? Or possibly NFC New England.
Mid Atlantic would better fit the current NFC East
My thoughts exactly!
As the creator of the Crabs, I am extremely dissapointed
Ngl, I was expecting another Drake Maye comic
the Manchester Chicken Tenders name was right there for NH
The fact that Iowa is in the AFC South suggests they need to look at a map.
Iowa and Missouri are livid about being grouped in South divisions. Still better than putting Dallas in the NFC East though
Exactly half of the league (16 teams) has a higher average attendance per game than Maine’s largest city (Portland) has in population!
Of course this is a bit nitpicky, the metro area has half a million, it’s just that Portland is very geographically small (you can more or less walk from one end to another in an afternoon), and there’s nothing New Englanders love more than carving up land into a million tiny towns, so no suburbs outsize it either.
But still very funny.
I could totally get behind the Virginia Colonials. That somewhat subtle side stripe is just *chef’s kiss
I love everything about this. The names, the justification, the
A few notes:
-Aspen Yetis….super cool…..Aspen “Abominables”? I’m a sucker for alliteration.
-I feel like North Dakota could also be the “Bismarck Badlanders” eh? Now there’s a name that’s almost way too cool for the state. And then they’d probably play in the Fargodome causing even more confusion.
-I’m pleasantly surprised by the level of restraint in a lot of the uniforms. Usually fake jerseys are either way too boring, completely devoid of color theory, or just too convoluted. There’s a nice balance generally in these. Good job, team!
Now….european expansion???? Paris Islanders (ile-de-france), Britain Bulldogs, Edinburgh Rebels, Granada Red Lions (Alhambra), Bayern Beermeisters?
I like it, especially St Louis and Rock Island getting their teams back.
Though I disagree with some of the division names. NFC Midatlantic might as well be called NFC New England. AFC East also contains 0 East coast cities, so maybe Great Lakes might be more appropriate of a name?
You’re goddamn right we like to wank about history here in the NFCN
After a quarter century of ineptitude, I like the Huskers chances of winning a division again.
Also, now my Topes hat has the wrong colors & I will need to buy a new one. Thanks for nothing Rappoccio.
The Montana uniforms is just the bobcats. I’m thinking the team would be in Billings and could be called the Wranglers or The Rustlers
Eh
At first glance, I thought this was NFL but it’s Nintendo/Super Mario 64.
Why did I even think of that?
Oh, and NOTE: Colts were in the AFC East (NOT Central) before 2002. Not so new now, eh?
Well, that sounds interesting, and a better idea than making the NFL international (which, of course, destroy the N o National)
I remember that there was also the idea to incorporate foreign teams from Canada and Mexico (Japan and England would be a good extra, since Japan is also very powerful and England has the rugby fans that may want to give it a try to american football)
The problem is that, to be honest, since they added more playoff games, I feel the sport has became boring to watch. So, more quantity isn’t always more quality. Adding teams will only make the Cleveland Browns go to seed 64 instead of 32
When there were more leagues, there was the idea to make a match among the champions and the lesser seeds of NFL, in order to give the other league teams to upgrade to a better league, and to purge the forever losers to other leagues were they can compete and loose with more dignity
Day dreaming is valid, in fact, nothing will change
Tariffs to all, with love
What about solid state, liquid state, gaseous state, plasma, and Bose-Einstein condensate?
Because a lot of teams are already made of Degenerate Matter (what neutron stars are made of), and that’s just the front office
64 teams and still none for my city (Albany) smh
Rhode Island used to have a team, and it was epic – THE PROVIDENCE STEAMROLLER, NFL CHAMPIONS 1928
Oh yeah, let’s move back the Rams to st. Louis, despite the Rams playing 48 years there before 1994. If you want to return a team to St Louis so badly, you can give them the cardinals, who actually played there longer.
Move the Cardinals back to Chicago you coward