The Draw Play

So you happen to be a fan of the Giants, Cowboys, Falcons, Panthers, Saints, Bears, 49ers, Cardinals, Seahawks, Raiders, Browns, Bengals, Jaguars, Colts, Titans, Patriots, Jets, or Dolphins. Your season is mercifully over, and your suffering is complete. Now the only suffering is the potential of a rival winning it all. Or maybe you don’t care. Maybe what you want is for everything to burn down. What you want is entertainment. Welcome to my side of the river, folks. We don’t care about records here. We just want stupid fun shit to happen. Let’s have the lowest-scoring playoff game in history. Let’s cheer for the most turnovers in history. Why can’t we have a 3 OT game? Why the fuck not? A single-game elimination tournament requires sacrifice. Get weird. Get stupid. Get funky. Let Chaos Reign.

So we have to look at our contenders for the cup this year. Some familiar faces, some new upstarts, some weirdos who don’t belong. All sorts of chaos can happen. From the years I’ve done this, this might be the year the two #1 seeds feel most vulnerable, but for different reasons. I look forward to this year and there are only 2 teams I would really prefer to lose immediately. But what I want most of all is fucking bullshit. Just load every game with fucking bullshit. My team isn’t there, so make everyone suffer for my enjoyment.

DETROIT LIONS
This is the highest I’ve ever ranked a #1 seed and will likely be the highest I ever rank a #1 seed. Normally a #1 seed is the top seed because they are just a great, quality team, performing well, and winning would simply be an expected result. That is true with these Lions. When losing is the most chaotic result, it’s hard to rank you high. But these Lions are just built different. Dan Campbell is the most chaotic coach…maybe ever. He is a delightful madman of aggression. He doesn’t go by the analytics, he goes by his gut, which is running through several brick walls. But if it was just Danny Big Balls this team wouldn’t be ranked so high. The other fun factor is Ben Johnson. The Lions absolutely love nonsense trickery and seem to have an endless supply of weird shit in the playbook. Ben knows how to dial this stuff up at the perfect time to surprise everybody. Those are the two positive chaos factors. The negative chaos factors are as follows: the decimated defense. The injuries cannot be ignored. Outside the surprising Vikings game, the Lions struggle to contain opposing offenses. The Lions can score on anybody, but they have to. If Jared Goff has a bad game, this team is in serious danger. Goff has come so far in his NFL journey and it is very hard to root against him, but he is still prone to the occasional Jared Goof moment. If the Lions run into a team with a solid enough defense AND a solid enough offense, like the Eagles or the Vikings again, this team might crumble and make us all very sad.

HOUSTON TEXANS
Every year there is one team that nobody has any expectations for. The clear one-and-done candidate that everyone would pick for eliminator. The team that kinda feels like they don’t even belong. That’s the Texans this season. Last year the Texans took the league by surprise and followed it up with a great playoff win. This year those same Texans regressed. They faced a harder schedule, were destroyed by key injuries, and generally appear to be limping into contention. The offensive line is a mess, Stroud looks mentally off, and he only has one valid weapon left to throw to anyway. The defense seems a bit better. Every other playoff team, even the mid ones, feel like they have an element that could potentially keep them in it. The Texans just feel busted. That’s why the funniest possible result of this playoffs would be the Texans going on a run and winning it all. If you don’t think that would be funny as hell, why are you here reading this site, get the fuck out. We can’t be friends.

DENVER BRONCOS
BO-LIEVERS UNITE! As a 7th seed, the Boncos don’t inspire a ton of confidence. But they aren’t awful. The stout defense has been stalwart all year against everyone, and Bonix has only gotten better as the season advanced as he gets used to the friendly Sean Payton system. He’s outperforming most expectations. We laughed at these Broncos and Bo Nix in April. We are laughing with them now. Plus, Sean Payton is a huge asshole and does stupid asshole things, which are guaranteed to entertain. They also enter the playoffs with a bit of a spark, having blown up the Chiefs backups in a startling performance that likely won’t repeat but might inspire.

WASHINGTON COMMUNISTS
This year’s 2023 Texans. A rookie head coach, a rookie QB, not a ton of expectations, and suddenly a fuckton of impressive wins out of nowhere. Jayden Daniels had a short stretch of games early on that made him feel MVP worthy. This team is officially out from the Snyder Shadow and the wheels haven’t come off or sailed off the side of the Kliff Cliff. But the team still has flaws. A lot of those wins, such as the Bears game, were nailbiters that required late-game heroics. That’s usually a sign the team is overperforming a bit. It makes the games more interesting though, and if Washington can keep any game close enough to get Daniels the ball in a 2-minute drill, we are in for magic. Washington is playing with house money. Let them cook.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
The highest win total of a wildcard team in history. This doesn’t happen. But kudos to our ever-reliable Masters of Chaos, the Vikings. They found a way to deliver the goods yet again. Sam Darnold is playing at levels we never expected and the offense can strike at any moment with the patented “oh fuck JJ did it again” bomb. Or Jordan Addison, why not? The defense has also been amazing, with Brian Flores delivering the most confusing formations we see out of any coach, leaving opposing QBs in a state of mental hell. But this team also made things hard on themselves by letting too many opponents sneak back into games late. The kicking has declined over the past month due to injury. They also now have to go to Los Angeles (possibly Arizona due to the fires) to play one of the few teams that beat them. After a dominating year, Sam Darnold saw ghosts again against Detroit. This team feels precipitously close to collapse. That’s just how the Vikings work. I love them.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
They started 10-3! This team looked to be stuck in QB purgatory once more but managed to win a few games with Justin Fields out there. Then they appeared to resurrect the career of our favorite goober short king Russell Wilson. It looked like the AFCN might run through…Pittsburgh? Then…well…Pittsburgh. Mike Tomlin can always coach a team above .500, but never too far above .500. They dropped 4 in a row against quality competition and suddenly this Steelers team is less inspiring. However. Russell Wilson Bullshit is still on the table and we haven’t seen it in the playoffs for a while now. The defense is still good. But most importantly, George Pickens is a clown who is guaranteed to do something, possibly many things, that are very stupid (good stupid or bad stupid) during a game.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
This team runs so hot and cold that we have no idea what to expect. Baker Mayfield and Mike Evans can singlehandedly turn any game into a shootout. When they are on, the Bucs can roll over everyone in the playoffs. When they are off, they might get bounced instantly. I have championed this Bucs team all year. They have faced a difficult schedule and took some tough losses against good teams, but also the Falcons twice. I absolutely believe in them and I love seeing Baker go Danger Mode and rip it. I would adore seeing the Bucs on a deep run, fucking up everyone.

GREEN BAY PACKERS
Nobody is entering the playoffs with worse vibes, not even Houston. Christian Watson is out with an ACL tear. The team was hot and cold all year and turned potentially playing for the #1 seed a couple weeks ago into being the left-for-dead 7th seed. Jordan Love is not Aaron Rodgers, he is more Favre, and more prone to fuck it mistakes. Quay Walker is a dumbass. They don’t have their precious Lambeau field to give them home-field advantage. But this could be a set-up for hilarity. I don’t like the Packers, personally, but I will admit the universe has a sense of humor if the 7th seed Pack makes it farther than their rival Lions or Vikings after the years they had.

BUFFALO BILLS
Football Moose is maybe my favorite guy in the NFL right now. I don’t know if I trust the Bills otherwise. They earned the 2nd seed but they don’t feel like the 2nd seed, if you get me. The Ravens feel like the 2nd seed. Josh Allen can beat anyone and everyone all by his damn self but the Bills are going to need a little more to get over the top. The Bills always bring the hilarity in January though, so strap in.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
It might seem weird to see the Chiefs ranked this high. From an entertainment standpoint, this is the most unwatchable Chiefs team I’ve seen since Alex Smith’s tenure. But they are the top seed, and they are going for an achievement no NFL team has accomplished in the SB era: the Three-peat. And they seemed to know it, and have made a dark pact with a demon of some sort. Outside stout defense with Chris Jones, this team does not inspire, at all. But they keep winning. They just keep winning. They block a game-winning kick. They have a game-winning kick bounce off the upright directly through for the score. They have this mystique about them that seems to cause other teams to just crumble in front of them. Mahomes is a check-down merchant now. Kelce looks old. None of the WRs are much of a threat. Andy doesn’t even seem to pull fun tricks out of his hat anymore. If you watch the Chiefs, it feels like they suck. But they don’t. Can some magical party of heroes please go slay this demon so we aren’t stuck watching this team anymore? But I will admit, if they do three-peat, the bullshit ways they win are sure to be astounding.

LOS ANGELES RAMS
The Rams started slow but are now just playing good-quality football. I feel like I have the least to say here. They are just a decent team playing well. They aren’t incredible, they don’t have anyone lighting the league apart. There are no players of the year on this squad. Just good football when it matters. I have them ranked a bit higher than other teams simply because they are the 4th seed and do not have an easy road to the championship. But they can very well upset the Vikings in round 1. They may also not actually get a home game if the teams are forced to play in Arizona thanks to the wildfires in Los Angeles. If you live in the LA area, I hope you are doing well. Be safe.

LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
Normally, simply by virtue of being the Chargers, they would be higher in the ranks. But that’s the thing? Jim Harbaugh has snuffed the flame of chaos. He’s a very angry man, and that’s funny, but this year he’s generally done what I thought impossible: tame the Chargers. The Chargers had a couple silly Chargers games but that’s it. Go back through the chaos reports and look at the Chargers plotting on the graph every week. Almost always in the middle. I do not know if Jim has truly tamed the Chargers as we know them or has simply jammed all the mess into the closet, locked the door, and hoped nobody looks inside. We will probably need a few more years to judge for sure. The Chargers look like a quality, steady football team. I don’t trust them, but until proven otherwise, I have to give Harbaugh credit.

BALTIMORE RAVENS
And now we are down to what feels like the best two teams in the playoffs. I would basically call these two about even. When they play well, they hum. I put the Ravens slightly higher simply because there is nobody in the NFL more electric than Lamar Jackson. The man can turn every play into a Chuck Jones cartoon that ends in a touchdown. Zay Flowers is an elite athlete prone to questionable moves. Derrick Henry is still Derrick Henry, and nothing in football hits like the 4th quarter Fuck You run from El Tractorcito. I also trust the Ravens defense less than the Eagles. The Ravens had a slow start and are only the 3rd seed, requiring crazy outcomes to not have to experience at least 1 road game. They also have the burden of expectations, that thing that sits heavy on the shoulders of superstars who haven’t won it all yet. Lamar will never truly get his due until he does it.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Just like the Ravens. Quality offense operated like a well-oiled run machine and a playmaker QB. Stifling defense. The main differences is that Jalen Hurts is not as good as Lamar and is more prone to mistakes. He also hasn’t played for weeks. Despite the presence of AJ Brown and co, the Eagles feel a bit more one-dimensional on offense, but that dimension is a healthy electric Saquon at full power. The defense is also playing great ball and has come together over the back 2/3rds of the season. The big question mark I see is the league’s greatest heel: Nick Sirianni. Nick Sirianni is a punchable dipshit of a man that despite the level of success he’s had many fans still want him gone. He is prone to bad decision-making during games. His face looks like a fist magnet. He probably has shitty taste in movies.

I want nonsense as always and will root for such. However, like any football fan, I have my fandom biases, and here are my preferences:

GO WIN IT ALL, BABY
-Lions
-Bills
-Vikings

YOU’D BE A FUN CHAMPION
-Texans
-Broncos
-Bucs
-Chargers
-Ravens (I want Henry to get a ring)

YEAH OKAY I GUESS
-Commies
-Rams
-Steelers

I’D PREFER YOU NOT
-Packers
-Chiefs (As annoying as another Chiefs win would be, a three-peat would be kinda cool, Thomas Brady never did that)

GET HIT BY A BUS
-Eagles