RIP To All The Jokes We Never Really Got To Make
Jake Butt, one-time hailed Tight End prospect, has retired at the age of 26. Normally a 5th round draft pick who couldn’t make a dent on a roster and doesn’t have a single TD to his name would not be news, but there is a reason his retirement was news. It is because his name is Butt. You can try and argue that’s not the reason anyone cared, but deep down you know it to be true. His name is Butt, and I don’t know anyone who didn’t kinda want Butt to succeed. Because his name is Butt. His name is Butt. No human being can resist a sensible chuckle at the word butt. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar. Even Jake Butt knew it and leaned into it. His Twitter handle was @jbooty. He knew it. Every article discussing his retirement is going to avoid bringing it up but we all know the reason we cared is that his name is Butt. It sickens me that we have to pretend otherwise. Admit it. His name is Butt, the word butt is funny, and that’s why we like Jake Butt and care about his story.
Not that his story isn’t a huge bummer. Butt wasn’t a highly touted prospect simply because his name is Butt. Dude was a legitimately talented tight end who played very well at Michigan. He was on track to become probably the highest-rated TE in the class, but that was when he tore his ACL just months before the draft. It was his second ACL tear, on a different knee, meaning both his knees had now been surgically repaired. Not great, Bob. He was drafted by the Broncos in the 5th and spent a year on IR. Unfortunately, it never got better for him.
He tore an ACL for the third time a year later and lost another season to more knee surgery. He had 6 knee surgeries in total. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to play after one knee surgery let alone 6. The mental and physical cost of spending your entire career in recovery must be awful and I hope his new found freedom gives him some peace, and that he recovers enough that his knees aren’t jello by the time he’s 40. Farewell Jake Butt. You have the rest of your young life ahead of you.
But man it is a disgrace we never got peak Butt. The puns we could have made. The cheeky jokes the announcers would have to pretend not to laugh at. The jerks like me who would take every possible opportunity to say the word butt and every variation of butt you could possibly imagine. We deserved 3 time champion Butt. We deserved a hall of fame Butt. We deserved to see him make a TD and say he was bringing up the rear on a big block. We deserved to see him catch a TD in the endzone and have a 5 minute replay trying to figure out if he was out of bounds only to acknowledge that no, his butt landed first inside the line. We deserved to watch him fumble a ball and have it be called a Buttfumble. These moments would have been sports magic and the frailty of the human knee joint robbed us of that joy. At least Michigan fans got to make those jokes, but would a pleasure it would have been to have butt jokes on a national primetime scale. Curse you, Jake Butt’s knees. Curse you.
Every “but” should have been written as “butt.” Opportunity missed, Dave. This one’s gonna bite you in the butt.
I agree, and don’t see how he can rebutt this fact. He could have buttressed himself from this booty assault, butt his buttons have popped off. We should throw him off a butte, since he’ll have no rebuttal.
Stop this A. SS. A. P!
I did that at first butt it ended up getting kinda confusing to read
Manchester United had a player named Nicky Butt. It didn’t generate anywhere near as many memes as you would expect.
It’s also notable cause the second injury was in his final Bowl Game, so now he’s a poster child for why players going to the draft should sit them out.
No worries, this guy still has a long career:
https://twitter.com/rodger/status/1421987183154565120
I love that the gravestone is a butt. Good on you!
Having spent all of middle and high school rooting hard for Michigan (huge mistake), I was really pulling for Jake Butt to break out in the pros. Dude was a legit prospect and would have had a pretty damn successful career if not for the injury bug. He’s honestly the main reason why I have no issue with college players opting out of bowl games. He chose to play in the Orange Bowl in 2016 and may have ruined his career in doing so.
Maybe he would have still ended up getting hurt later on, who knows? But I’ll always wonder what his career would have been like had he just opted out of that game.
Having spent all of MY middle and high school years rooting hard for Michigan (and it not being a huge mistake back then), I was rooting for Jake Butt like I root for all Wolverines in the NFL, for both name and alma mater reasons. But on the bright side, at least he’s not going to bring any success to Denver and stupid John Elway’s overrated record as a GM.
Dave speaks the truth, the hole truth, and nothing Butt the truth
penn state forward trent buttrick transferred out of the big ten to UMass this offseason.
presumably so his gnarly butt tricks could be featured in the offense more
I’m guessing former Jets defensive back John Booty isn’t on Twitter, since Jake Butt secured the @jbooty handle. I used J. Booty a lot playing mid-90s Madden… He somehow starts for the Buccaneers in Madden ’97 even though he retired after starting only 2 games in Tampa in 1995, so there is hope for video game Jake Butt, I guess.
The Astros were smart enough to draft (and then dumb enough to trade) an infielder named Seth Beer.
It doesn’t matter how good that guy is in the slightest. Whoever has that guy will make a _mint_ the instant jerseys with his last name on the back are available for sale. Who doesn’t want to show up at a ballgame in support of beer?
“No human being can resist a sensible chuckle at the word butt. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar.”
Yes, much like politics, music, and food humanity’s feelings in regards to humor are infamously homogenous.
Look at this guy, coming in and trying to argue butts aren’t funny because people have different opinions on music and politics
Humor is subjective, but butt humor is universal. Butts are non-partisan. Butts exist in every culture. Butts are eternal. It’s not a question on if someone thinks butts are funny, just question on how to best present the butt to the person to make them laugh.
Lol. I can be happy that butts bring so much joy to so many.
I feel I must contribute that one of the richest men in Texas is Charles Butt III. Yes. The THIRD. He’s the CEO of H-E-B Grocery.
Saw the sad Broncos fan and thought this comic was going to be about how Aaron Rodgers re-signed with the Packers… butt that wouldn’t have been very funny to anyone butt me.
Hehehehe, butt
Also, did nobody recognize the butt-related humor potential of the phrase “tight end”?