Indianapolis Prepares For The Storm
If you only read this comic and don’t follow my other work you might not know I’ve been doing a weekly cartoon feature for uproxx this NFL season. The gimmick is that I pick each game’s winner, and if I choose wrong, I have to draw something silly about it that I choose. Here are the results for week 5 and the predictions for week 6.
The reason I bring this up is because I did not pick a cartoon idea for the Colts winning. In fact, here are my exact words:
PATRIOTS @ COLTS
Deflategate revenge game. This will be the football equivalent of Hiroshima on Indianapolis.
The Colts are not going to win.
This is going to be like watching footage of a terrible disaster as it unfolds live. Can you imagine how pumped Tom Brady is for this game? Can you imagine how badly the Patriots want to stick it to the Colts for that offseason madness? I thought this would be a 30 point game when the season started and I thought the Colts were still good. Now the Colts don’t even look that good, certainly not the playoff threat they were last season. This is going to be slaughter. It should be rated TV-MA and air on HBO where small children can’t watch.
The last time I saw Brady truly angry was two years ago, against the 49ers. The 49ers went up something like 30 points by the 3rd quarter thanks to Patriots miscues and mistakes, plus at that point the 49ers were still a good team. Then something happened. Brady turned into a monster. He led the Patriots back like an unstoppable force. The 49ers eventually won anyway thanks to a late TD but to this day I still remember that game because that quarter and a half of football is literally the best I have ever seen a Quarterback play, ever. I can still see how utterly furious and determined Brady looked. That quarter of play by Brady is my gold standard of QB play. I will judge all great performances by that all too brief display.
I hope that we get that Brady for a full game on Sunday. This game is a lost cause for the Colts, so I want to see peak Brady. I don’t even like the Patriots and I want to see the slaughter. I want it to be as gory as possible. I want Brady to set single game records in yards, TDs, completion percentage, every single game passing record you can imagine. I want it to be like looking into the sun, it hurts so bad just to peek. I want to see Jim Irsay cry on live television. I want the football version of the prom in Carrie with Tom Brady as Carrie. I want blood. The Colts are boned anyway, so lets make it a goddamn show. Let’s see the master work his masterpiece against the team that caused him so much grief.
Then the Pats can go and lose next week so we can cool it with the undefeated talk that’s already sprung up.
Poor Patriots. It’s like you can’t even be caught cheating in the playoffs anymore these days without someone going and getting upset about it. And all they have to show for their efforts is four Super Bowl championships and six AFC Championships. It must be so hard to be a Pats fan.
They didn’t get caught doing shit. They got snitched on over nothing because the Colts are a petty loser organization.
The Colts reported the balls *before* the game, not after. As in, before it would have led to a problem had the NFL actually looked into it when they said something.
They claim that their suspicions arose after the game they played earlier in the year… IN INDY. Which makes no sense because the Pats’ locker room attendant wouldn’t have been present at that game. If any balls were tampered with at that game, it would’ve been one of their own employees doing the deed.
So either they made up the accusations out of whole cloth, or some other team (Ravens?) tipped them off, which still means they made accusations without any evidence of their validity and lied about their origin.
Fuck ’em either way. Bunch of crybaby snitches. Always have been, always will be.
You certainly don’t sound biased on the matter.
What did I say that was factually inaccurate?
This is the worst case of fingers-in-ears I have ever seen.
It honestly baffles me that Colts fans of all people think they have the standing to lecture anyone else on the integrity of the game. Suck for Luck was not very long ago you guys!
Gotta love the Idiocracy. Obeying the laws of physics by following the Ideal Gas Law is now called “cheating”. Slandering the best quarterback to play in the NFL this millennium with lies, after repeatedly ignoring domestic violence and substance abuse by others, is now called “integrity”. Doubling down by appealing after the Federal judge exposes your $5million smear campaign as a witch hunt is now called “protecting the shield”.
Somebody should pay. The team with a drug-abusing drunk-driving wife-stealing owner that started the whole mess to distract from their own pathetic on-field performance would be a good start.
Oh for Christs sake. A Patriot is in jail for FUCKING MURDER and you’re gonna call ethics into play? Get a life outside of sports, because you clearly can’t handle them like an adult.
“A Patriot is in jail for FUCKING MURDER”
Um… No….
Um…yes?
Saying “A Patriot is in jail for FUCKING MURDER” implies the Patriots would somehow take him back if he got out of jail. Like that somehow reflects on the team’s ethics. Give me a break.
Who cares that the Patriots didn’t win by 50.
Far far more delicious that the Colts committed what many are calling “the worst play in NFL history”. It exceeds even the Buttfumble and it will provide years’ worth of derision and laughter aimed at the Colts.
This is much sweeter than blowing their doors off.
The Worst Play of NFL History.
Your 2015 Indianapolis Dolts, everyone.
Also, typo in panel two.
Sooooo……what happens if the Colts win?
Can’t really call it revenge when they ‘won’ anyway, and that folk think they’re a sack of cheating jizzbiscuits anyway. You know what this is?
It’s as if series 3 of NCIS started with Ari Haswari taking a dump on Caitlin Todd’s still-warm corpse on the table in Ducky’s morgue. With the rest of the MCRT locked in the quarantine. Watching.
Hey man The colts made us listen to PSI Shit for 6 months, I want those months of Sports news back. Fuck the Colts.
Yes, the colts deflated the balls
Was that English?
You need to watch more NCIS, because fuck CSI.
I try to avoid network television.
I don’t think the Bills are going to do it, but I would love to see a picture of Dalton being trampled by bison.
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD.
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
AND KORN FOR THE KORN FLAKES
In the language of the hunt, there is a word that describes a specific way of killing. It is a thing of respect. Most times, the hunter has no wish to hurt his prey. It is only that he is hungry, that this is the way of things. When you were watching television, did you notice that past a certain moment, the zebra doesn’t resist?
The prey doesn’t move because it feels no pain. The lion touches it in a certain way, and unbinds it from the plane of anguish. This is part of the craft of hunters.
…But there is another way of killing. This is done when the lion hunts out of hate, rather than hunger. For such times the big cats have a touch that enhances suffering rather than relieves it. Under this touch the prey’s spirit is bound to the plane of anguish. The pain is like drowning. Often the damage to their spirit is such that there is not enough of left of them to return to the forgotten lands. Those killed in this way are ruined forever. It is as if they were never born. I saw this once. It was a terrible thing.
Mr. Brady wishes me to inform you that this is how you will die.
The Library at Mount Char
Glad someone got the reference.
NFL fans don’t tend to be big readers.
this better be how the NBC pregame thing opens the game or i’m gonna be pissed
You sir deserve all the like buttons, but there ain’t one
Only the New England Patriots would get caught cheating, and have motivation to have “revenge” on the team that told on them for cheating. I know it’s not going to happen, but I hope the Colts beat the snot out of the Patriots.
Except they didn’t get caught doing anything. The Ideal Gas Law exonerates them and the 75% of the Colts balls were also underinflated. There is literally no hard proof that there was any kind of conspiracy.
Snitches get stitches.
Found the Pats fan.
It’s not cheating, it’s an equipment violation.
It’s not nearly as bad as stickum on receivers gloves.
i’m also rooting for the Patriots to dismantle the Colts tomorrow night, for one reason: fuck the Colts.
more specifically, the Colts are the team that got to enjoy virtually all of Peyton Manning’s prime. and then they had to suffer through only one bad year after cutting him, which wasn’t even that bad because they knew the whole time they would be bumbling their way into a once-in-a-generation Manning replacement called Andrew Luck. and after that they got to go back to dominating their craptacular division without missing a beat.
there is a team in this league that has to choose between Ryan Mallett and Brian Hoyer, which is like choosing which foot you’re going to shoot yourself in. there is a team that celebrated when Ryan Fitzpatrick took over for Geno Smith. there is a team that has had to resort to both McCown brothers at some point in the past fifteen years. there is a team that actually started Blaine Gabbert! half the teams in the league have to churn through rookies and journeymen and the moldering corpses of former stars and the Colts got two generational players back-to-back.
and worst of all, now they’re ruining Andrew Luck, as surely as Washington ruined RG3. the same genius brain of Ryan Grigson that traded a first-rounder to Cleveland for Trent fucking Richardson has decided upon a radical experiment in not having an offensive line, and Andrew Luck is slowly dying because of it. not only did the Colts get all of the nice things, but they are breaking all the nice things to ensure that nobody else can have any nice things. they’re like the NFL version of that douchey CEO who jacked up the price of that AIDS medication.
well, fuck all that. the Colts deserve this. when LeGarrette Blount and Dion Lewis run the ball so far down your throats that they pop out of your collective colon like confused chestbursters, and the Colts stand around with their dicks in their hands in disbelief because once again the Patriots decided to pound the running game because when have the Patriots ever done that to the Colts before come on seriously name just one time, just know that you deserve every second of this. you have incurred a terrible karmic debt, and a man in Uggs has come to collect it.
10/10 would read again
Yeah! How dare they have good players! What cocksuckers.
found the colts fan
Honestly, I think this whole “Tom Brady is angry so he plays amazingly” with the media is stupid. Every quarterback tries to play their very best every game, and not once have we actually HEARD from Brady that he’s angry this entire year. It’s just another made up narrative by the NFL media to give even more meaning to the Patriots.
Normally I completely agree that this “X plays better when people count him out/X wants the win more/etc.” nonsense is dumb, but Brady is one of the exceptions to the rule.
A handful of players in NFL history at each position have this switch where, when their back is against the wall or a game is of particular personal importance, they become a different person. Every player has it to an extent – it’s why you usually see players do well with heavy hearts, like Brett Favre’s dad game, or Torrey Smith’s brother game, that extreme, deep emotional state sends you into that mode – but a special handful of players are able to channel it when the moment demands it, regardless of their mental state. Ray Lewis had it, Polamalu had it, Kurt Warner had it, and Brady has it. It’s like Dave said, you can tell that there’s something different about them. When they’re in that mode, every play they execute, every snap they play, it’s not just a well-designed, well-executed play, it’s more than that. It’s a work of rage-filled, physical work of art. Part of it is the preparation – All of the players who have it are typically players who had/have a reputation for film study bordering on insanity – that allows them to do it, but another part is the mental and emotional makeup of the guy. It’s the same way that, while Peyton before this year has had better technique, decision-making, pretty much everything than Eli, when pressure comes, Peyton wilts and Eli soars. Some guys have the ability to be clutch when it counts, and some guys have the ability to tap into this state when their team needs it, or when it’s a game they have a particular interest in killing it in.
It sounds like nonsense, but to anyone that watches it when it happens, it’s clear there’s something more there than you get from just the numbers or purely objective analysis. It can’t be quantified, but you can tell when someone’s tapped into that mode, and I don’t think there’s a shadow of a doubt that Tom will be mining it for all it’s worth that night.
And of course Tom hasn’t said he’s angry. If he was open and vocal with his rage, that’d be it. He’d vent, it’d be gone by morning, and he’d be back to normal. When he keeps it pent up and lets it fuel him, that’s when Tahmmy goes Super Saiyan.
I’m a Bengals fan. I remember when last year, we were 3 and 0 and about to play the Pats, who were coming off a big loss to Kansas City. As soon as I heard Bill say “We’re on to Cincinnati” I knew we were screwed. I talked to my brother before the game, he knew we were screwed. Sure enough, we were blown out. When Brady is in F you mode, there is no stopping him.
I love how Jim Irsay is so indifferent
i hope brady gets injured on the first play and the colts win by 30
The ultimate question however is what do you call that thing? A Tom-Nado? Tor-Brad-o? Tom-Brad-o?
Irsay is a drunken member of Lucky sperm club.
Considering the epic choke job Michigan – Brady’s alma matter – made, Brady probably held all that anger in just to make the Colts ass-whooping even more brutal.
My trap game senses are tingling……
A 4-0 team (the Patriots), on a complete roll, coming off a dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys, playing a team that’ll only make the playoffs because the rest of their division is crap (the Colts), and having a game next week against a 4-1 hated division rival with one of the best defenses in the NFL (the Jets).
Trap game much.
no, they’re playing a team that’s made the playoffs with 10 wins several years in a row, who the may or may not be angry with over events last season. I doubt the patriots are thinking very much about the Jets right now, even if the Jets are surprisingly good this year.
Have you seen the Colts this season? Because yeah, sure, they’ve been good the last several years, but that was the last several years. This season, they got their a***s kicked by the Bills and Jets, and then etched out their 3 wins by beating the mediocre Titans by 2 points, the god-awful Jags by 3 in OVERTIME, and the mediocre Texans by 7. They’ve been completely horrendous this year and Luck seems to have regressed. They’re not a good team by any stretch. They’ll still win their division though, because the rest of the AFC South is awful.
still, you have have to disregard someone on a logical level *and* an emotional level for it to be a trap game.
You look at the colts, and they’re *bad* this year, but they’ve been good recently, and you know andrew luck is really good, and you remember deflated footballs. Even if logic says you should ignore them, your gut doesn’t let you.
on the same token. You look at the jets. Your gut says “hah the Jets, they haven’t been good since superbowl 3” and you kinda chuckle, but then you look at who they beat and how they beat them, settle down, and say “okay, I’m gonna take this team seriously just in case”
You almost were wrong dave colts almost pulled it off
Nah, they didn’t.
they at least kept it interesting, which I think kept the Patriots honest. I think if the lead at half had been big the patriots would have been really aggressive in the second half, but since the colts kept it close the Pats played a “run out the clock” strategy in the second half.
The game wasn’t the 60-30 monster scorefest destruction people were talking about, but a lot of good football got played, and there were definitely a few highlight worthy plays (the hurdle was amazing, even if it was ultimately meaningless.
PS: the colts got hosed on the first onside kick call
That game was significantly closer than expected. Wow.