The Draw Play

Gonna do a bunch of predictions based on ~~vibes~~ before training camp really starts up.

NFCE
Eagles – The Eagles didn’t get noticeably worse this offseason and drafted many good players. They did lose both coordinators. Gannon was bad, but Steichen was good, so things should even out. No reason to assume they fall off much. Good team, low chaos. Outside maybe a couple weird losses that every good team has.
Cowboys – I think the Cowboys get worse. Kellen Moore seemed to get the scapegoat label after the playoff failures and he walked, only to immediately get picked up by the Chargers. They replaced him with Brian Schottenheimer, and if you know anything about B Schott, you laughed when you heard that news. However, the Cowboys remain a team with a lot of talent on it, and that’s going to make for a solid season and some funny exploits. Not bad enough to go full chaos, but more unpredictable than avaerage.
Giants – The Giants remain kind of a mystery. On paper, this team improved, especially on offense (as long as Saquon plays). But last year was a bit of a fluke season, marked by a soft schedule and “barely squeaked by” wins. There is a very real chance this team could compete with any opponent or get blown the fuck up. They may be a better team and yet miss the playoffs with a worse record. I am excited to have my heart torn to shreds.
Commies – It’s hard to think the Commies will be any good. They have some good players but are running with a complete unknown at QB. They got Eric Bieniemy but still have Ron Riveria. Mediocrity feels like this team’s ceiling.

NFCN
Vikings – The Vikings should actually be a good team. Last year was a wild fluke year, one for the record books, but you don’t with that many games purely on chance. Pieces are there, and now they have an actual competent defensive coordinator. But this division is complete chaos with no true frontrunner as far as I can see. I don’t know what to expect.
Packers – Jordan Love is the wildcard now. My gut says he will be meh. He won’t be as laughably bad as some of us may hope but he’s not Aaron Rodgers and his limitations will slow the team down. But the fact that we finally get to see a new GB is all kinds of interesting.
Lions – A big favorite for dark horse fans. The Lions seemed to figure things out by the end of the year but so much of this relies on Goff not going Goof again. They had a wild draft. Campbell is a fun coach but has made strange calls in every game. They tend to surge and ebb rather than play consistently. This might be the most fun team to watch all year long.
Bears – Bears fans are optimistic. I have my doubts and actually have this unsubstantiated feeling that the Bears will suck. I do not trust Justin Fields to go full Lamar Jackson’s second year this season like the fans seem to be expecting. I just don’t trust this squad at all. But Fields was chaos last year and I could be a complete moron. High chaos potential for sure.

NFCS
Bucs – Aging championship roster now helmed by Baker Mayfield or Kyle Trask, or maybe even John Wolford! This team is going to suck.
Panthers – I don’t know how good this early rebuild roster is going to be, but I like everything the Panthers are doing. They might even surprise us. This is a soft division and who knows?
Saints – The most unwatchable team of 2022 now has Derek Carr I guess. Fuck the Saints they bore me. This team won’t get interesting till they fire Dennis Allen.
Falcons – Desmond Ridder or Taylor Heniecke. Pick your 7-10 QB. At least Bijan might be fun.

NFCW
49ers – The big question here is obvious. Purdy? Lance? …Darnold? Purdy is Dr Game Manager but he might not be ready and the team won’t be facing the same cupcake schedule this year. Lance? Lance is schrodingers QB, nobody knows what he is. If Lance gets in there this team might get fun.
Rams – This team sold its soul for a trophy and has paid the iron price. Last year was unwatchable. This year? Probably just as unwatchable. McVay was a fool to not fake retire.
Seahawks – I don’t really know what to think. Geno can’t surprise us now, but are they up to the task of fighting off the 49ers at the top? Probably depends more on what happens for the 49ers QB than anything the Seahawks do.
Cardinals – Hoo boy, this is going to be ugly. I bet it isn’t even fun ugly, and they win like 5 games somehow, and all games are terrible. What is this team doing.

AFCE
Patriots – Gonna be boring as shit again, maybe more boring than ever. Matt Patricia brought an element of chaos to the team last year but now they have Bilbo Brien back and he’s…competent at OC. Mac Jones is as fun as plain Mac & Cheese. The defense will be good. Boring snooze of a team.
Jets – THIS GONNA BE FUN AS HELL. Rodgers vs the NY media, on a good squad, this could go sideways so fast but also put the Jets in contention I love this the Jets will be so fun to follow this season.
Dolphins – If Tua stays healthy this team is fun as hell. If not, uh oh. They were sneaky entertaining last season so I have hope.
Bills – Outside Josh Allen turning into a tabloid dater this team seems the same solid low-chaos squad to me. The window is starting to wiggle closed a bit though, better watch out.

AFCN
Steelers – I don’t think Kenny Pickett is the future, but Tomlin is too good a coach to let it slide, so mediocre it is.
Browns – I hope against hope Watson’s first full season as a Brown goes as poorly as I want it to, but the reality is this team is fine. Not great, not terrible, fine. Probably won’t even be all that interesting.
Bengals – Last year proved to me that 2021 wasn’t a fluke, so I’m excited to see this squad keep it up.
Ravens – Lamar drama over, now the Ravens can get back to doing what they do best: getting eliminated in the first two rounds of the playoffs after a good season.

AFCS
Jaguars – Maybe the only good team in this entire division. They found the light in the second half of 2017 and turned into one of the more fun teams to watch. Can they keep it up? I hope so.
Titans – Hard to not feel a giant Yikes looking at this squad, which did the complete opposite of the Jaguars last year. Tannehill is old, Malik Willis looked awful, and they drafted Will Levis for some reason. I love Derrick Henry and like Mike Vrabel as coach but this just looks like a car wreck waiting to happen.
Colts – This team is intriguing. Steichen was a good pick, and they drafted the raw talented upside guy to be the QB. I think this team could be good, but not this year. This year will be growing pains.
Texans – honestly, the same deal as the Colts. I like the moves they are making, but they are too far out to be of note in 2023. Then again, the Jaguars drafted first two years in a row and then reached the divisional round, so who knows?

AFCW
Chiefs – I guess without Bieniemy there might be a bit of intrigue? Im stretching as far as I can to find that.
Chargers – The Chargers are one of those teams that is made of chaos. Born in chaos. They will die in chaos. I love the Chargers.
Broncos – Unless Russ is truly busted, they should be better with Payton at the helm. How much better is the question.
Raiders – Yeah, this team is circling the drain. Might pull off some bullshit, but I doubt it.

Go outside, it’s July. Im clearly running a bit empty here so see you next week. Also, if you have any suggestions for improvements or additions to the Chaometer for 2023, let me know. This is just a tiny offseason thing, the regular one will look more like last year’s.