The Draw Play

Yesterday Big Dick Nick hung low his cleats and called it a career. He penetrates this new era of his life with enthusiasm, as an Eagle. Looking back at the whole package that was his NFL story, I can safely say: it sure was weird.

Foles legitimately has one of the more peculiar careers in history. It’s not unheard of exactly for a guy who was mostly bad or mediocre to have the occasional great season (even win a Super Bowl during that year), but we never see QBs do this. Nick Foles might genuinely be the greatest shitty QB to be enshrined as a legend.

Thats the thing, right? Outside 1 early season with the Eagles and then a few playoff games much later, also with the Eagles, after he left and returned, Nick Foles…sucked. Foles was pretty much mid or hurt outside the Eagles, and even much of the time he was with the Eagles. He’s going to be remembered forever in Philly for that 2017 Super Bowl and rightfully so but he was pretty much just Luke McCown otherwise. Luke isn’t even the good McCown!

Lets take a journey back along the long road that is his throbbing career.

Football Napoleon Dynamite played for Arizona. He was generally fine to unremarkable. He got drafted by Philly in the 3rd round of the 2012 draft, the round where QBs who are clearly backup caliber but might have some promise get drafted. He was brought onto the team to back up Michael Vick, who was old and fading out at that point. He actually saw some forgettable action that season in relief of Vick but also spent time hurt himself. The Eagles were in the midst of a regression season and Andy Ried was sent packing at the end.

Chip Kelly then showed up. This should have probably been a bad thing for Foles, because Chip’s entire system used a lot of motion and he liked mobile QBs. Foles is an umoving tripod. As luck would have it, Vick got hurt again and that’s when we first saw God Mode Foles. Foles played ball in relief of Vick and just kept getting better, culminating in one of the most out of nowhere performances of all time against the Oakland Raiders when he would tie the NFL single-game record for 7 touchdowns. He threw more touchdowns than incompletions. He shares this record with Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and a bunch of dudes in the 60’s. He had a 27-2 TD/INT ratio. Foles was the fucking future and nobody could have seen it coming. The Eagles would lose in the wildcard round to the Saints and I was happy.

Foles was still good in 2014. Not quite to the same level of God Foles but certainly decent enough to be the unquestioned starter. Then he broke his collarbone in week 8 and thus begins his first vanishing act. The Eagles traded him to St. Louis, which had a football team at the time. They traded him for Sam Bradford. I was confused by this move at the time (Foles clearly seemed starter worthy and Bradford had injury history) but hey, why have Foles when you can have the great combustible Bradford instead? Chip Kelly was so fucking dumb.

Foles quickly plummeted in St. Louis and became a turnover machine under Jeff Fisher. The dude got benched a couple of times during the year and then the Rams drafted Jared Goff so Foles bailed. He signed with Kansas City, saw a couple games in relief of Alex Smith, and then got released. He limped back to Philadelphia to be Carson Wentz’s backup. We know the rest of this story. Wentz had himself an MVP-level season until his knee exploded in week 14 and then Foles went on a tear for the ages and won one of the most thrilling super bowls of the past decade. What should have been a death knell for the Eagles season was instead the catalyst for their only Super Bowl victory. Nick Foles will never pay for a drink in Philly, a statue was made of him and Doug calling the famous Philly Special, and all of this broke Carson Wentz’s brain as he would never be the same.

Wentz played most of the season in 2018 until he got hurt again, and once more Foles would come to the rescue and play outstandingly to send Philly to the playoffs. They eeked past the Bears thanks to the famous Double Doink. The Saints would once again end Nick Foles playoff hopes just like they did in 2013.

Foles used the leverage he earned from his backup heroics to sucker the Jaguars into giving him a big contract. He would play about one full quarter on this contract as he broke his clavicle and the Jaguars instead had to start everyone’s favorite truck stop cocaine hookup backup QB: Gardner Minshew. Foles came back late in the season, sucked ass, and Minshew Mania has been with us ever since.

Foles was traded to Chicago for peanuts, backed up Mitchell Trubisky, briefly replaced him as the starter, then got hurt again. I genuinely forgot how often Foles got hurt. We make fun of Wentz and other perpetually hurt dudes but Foles has spent a career out of shattering his body right as he begins to show a little promise again.

Foles spent 2022 as the Colts backup until the very end of the season when he would suck against the Chargers and then Kayvon Thibodeaux would send him to the hospital again. Foles was not signed on any team for 2023 and I honestly thought he was retired already when he announced it yesterday. I guess one season on the couch followed by lasting all the way to training camp without anyone signing you is a pretty good indication you may as well hang that shit up.

With that first brilliant season under Chip Kelly Foles might have gone down as one of those one-year wonder-type seasons, like Case Keenum with the Vikings. A guy who flashed out of nowhere and then faded into a trivia question. Then he came back and won a Super Bowl in relief of a different guy before once again vanishing. It’s a strange legacy to have and most of his 12-year career is rehabbing or sitting on the bench. But he’ll always have that moment in the sun, and if reports are to be believed, he will always have a huge dick.

Adios Nick Foles, and fuck you for giving the Eagles a Super Bowl.

I do appreciate all the dick jokes I’ve gotten to make off you though.