NFL THUMB WAR
After Walruses, Thumbs are my second favorite breed of football coach. There are variations to the NFL thumb, but generally you know a thumb when you see one. The rule of thumb is generally bald or extremely close to bald, large so that the neck almost or exceeds the width of the head, and a goatee. Basically, if you held your thumb up, drew two eyes and a goatee on it, you could then say “look, it’s ____!”, that guy is a thumb.
I think Cardinals GM Steve Keim is the prototypical thumb, but there are many good thumbs out there. Tom Cable is a great thumb. Mike Pettine is an angry thumb. Gus Bradley is a bit too thin and I always waffle back and forth on whether he is a true thumb, but he will probably pack on some pounds as he ages so he’s so close to thumbing out. While I do default to the “bald, goatee, fat” as the guiding principals, there are easily ways to bend those rules. James Bettcher, the Giants DC, has hair, but one look at the guy and you know he just belongs. Andy Heck, the Chiefs O-line coach, doesn’t have a goatee, but he also feels like a thumb.
Thumbs feel like o-line coaches. Many of them aren’t. Some are even defensive guys. Hell, possibly the best unknown thumb in the league right now is Browns strength and conditioning coach Evan Marcus. Look at the glory of this thumb. And yes, to find out about Mr. Evan Marcus, I did indeed google search every single coaching staff in search for thumbs. I ended up writing down about 30, but I could have done more. I narrowed this comic down to the 10 I thought most people would recognize, plus Broncos LB coach Ryan Herring, because goddamn look at this thumb. Really though, is anyone going to recognize Derek Frazier? No, you wouldn’t, because that wasn’t actually a picture of Derek Frazier. That was a picture of 49ers assistant OL Coach Zach Yenser. This is what Jets Assistant OL Coach Derek Frazier actually looks like.
Who are your favorite NFL thumbs? I’ve limited myself to coaches, but some players and former coaches certainly fit the bill. Maybe if we get enough thumbs going I will make an NFL thumb bracket and we can vote on the best thumbs.
This reminds me of when Cartoon Network tried to get people to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings with some kind of Thumb Wrestling Federation promo in 2010.
Seriously that was weird. Am I the only one who remembers that? Because there are videos on Youtube, so I know I didn’t imagine it.
No Brian Flores?
I just want to say that this one got way too big of a laugh out of me.
Now I want thumb coach cameos lol
The Packers even have 2 thumb coordinators, Mike Pettine, who is in the comic, and Shawn Mennenga.
I feel like Bill O’Brien should have made the list, goatee or not.
How can you leave off Brian Daboll?
Best thumb from each team:
Bills: Daboll
Dolphins: Eric Studesville (Flores might qualify later but he’s too fit for now, and Caldwell is a walrus)
Patriots: Ivan Fears
Jets: Derek Frazier
Ravens: Richard Angulo
Bengals: Jemal Singleton
Browns: Evan Marcus
Steelers: Jerry Olsavsky
Texans: Thumbless
Colts: Doug McKenney
Jaguars: Todd Wash
Titans: Frank Piraino
Broncos: Reggie Herring
Chiefs: Eric Bienemy (no goatee but check out the head wrinkles)
Chargers: La’Roi Glover
Raiders: Rich Bisaccia
Cowboys: Marc Colombo
Giants: James Bettcher
Eagles: Duce Staley
Washington: Malcolm Blacken
Bears: Mark Deleone (about half their coaching staff qualifies)
Lions: Bo Davis
Packers: Mike Pettine
Vikings: Marwan Maalouf
Falcons: Dan Quinn
Panthers: Jim Hostler
Saints: Dan Roushar
Buccaneers: Bruce Arians, who either has a thumb fetish, or trawls head shaving conventions for possible assistant coaches.
Cardinals: Sean Kugler (only because I’m trying to stick only to coaches)
Rams: Bill Nayes
49ers: Zach Yenser
Seahawks: Clint Hurtt
Dave, the off-season is almost over, soon we’ll get that injection of preseason ball into our veins
He’s not a coach but I feel like he should be included: James “The Human Thumb” Develin: http://static.nfl.com/static/content/public/static/img/fantasy/transparent/200×200/DEV145356.png
Look up a pixcture of NHL coach Bruce Boudro. He is the most thimbular human being ever to exist even more so during his days coaching the Ducks.
I think Pettine is more of a middle finger than a thumb.
Emmitt Smith! https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTkzNzUzMzg0MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMTM0ODUwNA@@._V1_UY317_CR24,0,214,317_AL_.jpg
Offseason sure is …. off. Time to binge watch The League, a few tepid pre-season games, some mildly competitive college football on labour day weekend all as a precursor to that first sweet sweet Thursday night kickoff game when I’ll happily inject Collingsworth smug directly into my veins and ask for more.
Art Shell would have to be in the Hall of Thumb, right?
I can’t unsee this; now when I walk down the street, all I notice is thumbs. Thumbs! THUMBS!
I give this comic a thumbs-up
Maurice Jones-Drew was quite the thumb.
Trent Dilfer is the GOAT thumb. He DID win a super bowl.
HA! LOL! TWO THUMBS UP!