How To Cook The Perfect Bust
Ah, back when I was a wee lad, roaming the swampy humid suburbs of central Maryland, I remember I would come home on cool fall days and my mother, bless her soul, would be whipping up a fresh batch of Bust on the stove. The smell of failure would waft through the house, and my father would flutter, as if with wings, up the stairs from his man cave to ask when dinner would be ready. Mother would tell him to hold his horses and father would groan and descend back into his den. That meal of bust would sustain us for 2 nights, filling us up with disappointment and empty calories. These are the days we remember so, many experiences that we shall chase our entire lives just to have that feeling again.
Anyway, to cook the perfect bust, you will need:
-One fat prospect with red flags you can easily ignore
-8 tablespoons of hype
-expectations, to taste
-1 bad head coach, chopped
-1 terrible front office, chilled overnight and then diced
-whatever garbage skill players you have lying in the back of the fridge on the shelf you should have cleaned weeks ago, minced
-1 o-line, soggy and wet, such that it instantly turns mushy
-5 cups of just abysmal playcalling that everyone can see coming
-You may be tempted to add defense to support the prospect, but do not. It will only make the prospect appear tough.
-miracle whip, ample amounts
Place prospect in a large pan of incompetent cheap ownership. Coat the pan with some patience. Some is necessary but the lesser you can get away with the better. Sear the prospect in the fires immediately so that the fringes get irreparably burned. Season the prospect with the hype and expectations and continue to cook over high flame for 17-20 games. If you see any tender, tasty bits, be sure to carefully remove them. Throw the diced front office, bad coach, and bad skill players into the skillet and add more hype. Dump the O-line onto the prospect then, and if you’ve done it correctly, it will simply melt away instantly, exposing the prospect. Finally, dump in liberal amounts of predictable and bad playcalling and miracle whip for taste. Keep that shit on the fire for as long as you can reasonably stand it, until all your neighbors are screaming at you to stop cooking whatever it is you are cooking.
Serves 1-3 seasons, possibly more if stored correctly, but will go sour quickly if left out.
Makes for an excellent Sunday meal with the family!
The Bears fan that used to exist within me has left my body and is heading for somewhere called “NAPALM U.X.O. SAVANNA ARMY DEPOT”
I am no longer responsible for what he does.
I would also add 1-2 “good” years in college due to other great players, weak opponents and running up the scores.
It also helps if they’ve been marinated in Ohio State for a few years.
USC also acceptable.
yeah, we can expect a rerun in two years with Stroud failing to save the Texans
Stroud’s been good so far, with a rickety fence for an o-line
Have to say I was expecting this to be about Russ from the first panel
I definitely want to know what other culinary delights Chef Fuetbawle has under his toque.
Lifelong Bears fan here…I’m done being emotionally invested in this team for the foreseeable future. I think Fields could have been a decent QB with the right coaching and support, but he has none of that. We’ve successfully ruined another QB and are to the point where top QB prospects could potentially decide to hold off on the draft for a year if it looks like they’ll get picked up by the Bears. “Dumpster fire” would be a step up from our current situation.
Free DJ Moore. Dude deserves a better QB than what the bears and Panthers have given him. And this is coming from a Carolina fan.
Ironic because Bryce Young’s struggles are almost exclusively due to not having a legit WR. We’d probably be 2-0 if we had DJ Moore.
I remember us Broncos fans were so so mad that we passed on Fields. I’m sure we could have ruined him just as badly
This is really the best commentary on Fields I’ve seen. It’s not all his fault (OMG the playcalling!!!) but some is. The skill positions are pretty bad outside of DJ Moore (when he feels like trying, apparently) and the coaching is just so so so bad. But Fields needs to see the field better. He consistently misses wide open receivers.
I’m not a Bears fan – the opposite, actually – so I don’t care but it’s just fascinating to see this dissected. I watched JT O’Sullivan’s break down on the last game and yeah…. there’s SO MUCH wrong with this team right now.
This feels so much like that one season of browns hype where the media hyped them to be a top contender for no reason and they won like 5 games. I think you actually even made a comic featuring Duke Johnson about this very thing.
I thought this was gonna have Russ as the punchline, as a Bears fan I never really said “bust” about Fields because I’ve watched all the games and tape. Still funny tho. Ugh it feels like such a “casual fan” thing to blame Oline and playcalling but when the QB is doing that himself, cats out the bag. Although he’s more so throwing shade at the receivers not the OL. Like Big Ben.