Getting Freaky With Chicago Strippers
SERIOUS OPENER SIDE NOTE
I know I never do stuff like this, but my wife is running the NYC marathon in a month and as part of her race goal she’s raising money for cancer research. If you’ve followed this site for a while you know I lost my dad to cancer a little under a year ago. It’s a big enough disease that I’d wager a lot of you have been affected by it in some way too. There’s certainly no requirement to help, and it doesn’t have to be a lot, but I wanted to share this link with you anyway. If you could spare anything, it would mean a lot to me, my wife, and my family. Thanks.
Donation Link
ENOUGH OF THAT NOW LETS GET WEIRD
Dem Chicago Bears, huh? Those deep dish boys might be legit!
I came into this season expecting solid mediocrity from Da Bears. The monsters of the midway have only been monsters these past season in that watching Bears games is an ugly, gross experience. For several seasons they’ve just been so blandly bad that they aren’t even interesting. I didn’t expect anything more this season. New coach, sure. That’s something I guess, but first year coaching is either uninspired and not that interesting (Shurmur for the Giants), awful (What on earth is happening in Arizona) or out of nowhere impressive because the new guy wants to take all the risks and sometimes it works out (Mike Vrabel in Tennessee). The Bears had a better offensive mind on the sidelines, they got a superstar linebacker, but they still seemed a few steps from relevance.
That, coupled with a mediocre looking QB in his second year (when things tend to regress a bit) and a tough division, things didn’t look great for the Bears. But they may have an actual legit team right now. Even Kevin White hasn’t died yet. Trubes wasn’t looking stellar and then he must have kissed some titties because on Sunday against the Bucs he went nuts. The offense is better. The defense is legit. Their one loss came because Aaron Rodgers got pumped full of drugs and went all Aaron Rodgers. The Vikes have been disappointing so far, the Packers live and die on a QB who is already kinda hurt, and the Lions have already Lioned themselves into a hole. This team may very well make the playoffs and actually do something in them if this keeps up.
But man, Mack is making that trade look like the dumbest move since Herschel Walker. Dude came into a new team and system with like 5 days before game 1 and he’s been on fire. 4 straight games with a strip sack. Unbelievable. He’s everywhere. He’s a total monster. I can’t believe the Raiders were this stupid. Mack is what you want a first rounder to be. You don’t trade for a pick that could be a Mack IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A MACK. It’s going to the defining moment of Jon Gruden’s second tenure as coach and we all know it.
Anyway how much would you pay to see your friends get strip sacked by Khalil Mack? Let’s make this place a legitimate business. Someone set up the GoFundMe. According to this scientific chart, Mack’s stripper name is Roxie Ridge. My stripper name is Diamond Heat.
Post your stripper names!
Princess Horn. Really?
More like Princess Horny
yeah sorry dude maybe stripping isn’t in your career path
Well, I hope so.
Bunny Jugs. Apparently so, MattB.
Candy Bomb…
Diamond Sizzle. That’s a tramp stamp waiting to happen
Nerdy Nips
Raquelle Juggs.
Short for Racky Juggs.
Oh bother.
Chesty Hips? No, I’m sorry entirely scientific method of discovering one’s stripper name, but you’re gonna have to try again.
Candy Heat. Also I’ve seen people try to defend the Mack trade by saying they were never going to keep him so they may as well get something for him, but that just makes me question what they were planning to build around.
Kitty Fire. I don’t know. That’s kind of disappointing.
I’m apparently Princess Tush. It fits. And as disappointed as I am that another NFC North team is stealing the D spotlight, it is hella fun to watch Mack truck people (pun most definitely intended).
you mean a GoFumbleMe?
Star Horn. I’d use it as both stripper and porn names.
As for all the contract silliness this year, I think three things need to happen… Limitations on the Franchise tag (especially those on the Rookie contract), a max salary system similar to the NBA (with potential different max for certain positions), and finally something which the players association would only agree to if the owners agree to fully guarenteed contracts (or even a minimum guarenteed %).
I think while some players might not make as much, it would provide more money for more players and even incentivize teams to provide contracts to players earlier (since the max will increase with the cap).
I dunno – it just seams the direction we are heading to me.
Hmmm…
I’m a bit of an NBA fan and there’s a general consensus that the max salary system needs to go. It is set low enough that too many players demand it and since the best players are underpaid they flock to other factors (big cities/Miami, making super teams). Maybe it would work better for the NFL since individual players are less important than in the NBA.
I’m generally a fan of the MLB system of no cap, no maximums, and pay the players what they can get. Sometimes (or often) they overpay for players that are too old for contracts too long (or laughably long like with Albert Belle). But since there’s no salary cap, it only hurts the owner and doesn’t “tie up cap space” that could be used on other players.
Or better yet, the premiership system where teams spend stupid money, but if you don’t, you get relegated because your team is awful.
Copying soccer makes sense, but the baseball system is one of the sport is falling off in many markets (Atlanta United is killing the Braves only one of the top 5 most popular teams in baseball). There’s more parity than basketball but the NBA is different since many fans are “fans of certain players”. I would love to see teams get relagated to the CFL.
I think in the NFL it can work since their more players per roster than NBA, and the teams would still have franchise tags. Additionally, your situation in football isn’t as fluid, since coaches actually matter in football. Sure you could move markets but you might not fit in a certain coaches scheme or gel with the other players.
A) Princess Jugs reporting in!
B) that other link is my Risky Click of the Day
Candy Ridge. Sounds like a place you get murdered at.
Also, I said it before and I’ll say it again: the people happiest about the Khalil Mack trade were fans of the other three teams in the AFC West. We ALL knew that was a stupid move the moment it was announced.
A little bit of Dak missing big throws
A little bit of sadness in Buffalo
A little bit of Le’Veon talking smack
A little bit of Chicago and Khalil Mack
A little bit of Mahomes going long
A little bit of Fitzmagic until it goes wrong
A little bit of Indy and their personal hell
A little bit of Jimmy G’s torn ACL
I read this in tune to the song. I like this. I like this a lot. Thank you.
Mimi Hiney.
That just sounds like a recording of someone trying to talk about their butt, but the CD skips.
That seems like it would be a good segment on Tosh.0 …. run around knocking things out of people’s arms and yelling ‘strip sack!’
I’m Princess Velvet!
I’m just here to throw 6 TDs and kiss 36DDs
Fantasia Hiney… oh yeah.
As someone who actually attempted to rationalize why Gruden made the trade, I’ll admit I was wrong. Dude is picking up steam game by game. Mack was a beast before this season. What is beyond that? Because that’s what level he is playing at. Chicago didn’t get that good over one off season. I mean John Fox is gone so that helps. But Mack is playing at an inspiring level. And it’s showing across the whole roster. Also, that Trey Burton acquisition looks pretty good right now.
And other than pushing referees, Akiem Hicks has been beastly.
Hmmm… I think I prefer the Pornstar Name equation:
PS Name = Name of first dog + Name of street you grew up on
That would give me the name E.J. Willow, which I’d prefer to Candy Sizzle.
Nah, that makes me Freckles Sixth (as opposed to the above link which makes me “Bunny Tush”).
I prefer the Captain Underpants version (https://www.cs.drexel.edu/~introcs/F2K/lectures/PoopyPants/), where I’m Doofus Pottytush….
“Back to you, Booger!”
I miss the Ron Mexico name generator. For those of you too young to remember, Ron Mexico was the name Mike Vick used when he gave some girl Herpes.
I prefer that system as well. I’m Spunky Ellison!
This cartoon is fake news…..There’s never a day/time you’ll find there to be a lack of hot strippers.
never been to new mexico i see
Mine is Fantasia Sizzle. I feel like stripping might be my calling.