The Draw Play

WE’RE BACK BABY

The 2024 season has finally come and we can all be excited again for our teams. That excitement may not last long for some of us, but we can at least enjoy the early pickings before the losses pile up. Are cartoon bets back? Is the Chaometer back? You bet they are. Let’s not waste time.

WEEK 1 PICKS

RAVENS @ CHIEFS
Last year the Ravens had the Chiefs on the ropes in the championship and it looked like someone might finally break through to take the crown of the AFC. They blew it. You better believe the Ravens are mad about that game. I am going to indeed pick the Ravens here. We know the Chiefs are good. They might even be better than last year now that they aren’t starting Kadarious Toney on offense. But this is personal for Baltimore and I’m going to take that energy. If the Lions could go into KC and do it last year, the Ravens certainly can this year.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Walrus Andy smoking some BBQ raven

PACKERS @ EAGLES (In Brazil)
Having a football game in Brazil is a great idea. I hate international games, but as far as locations go, Brazil is a good pick. You’d be surprised how many NFL fans exist down there. What I like even more is that the Eagles lose a home game for it. Darius Slay pissed off the whole country by insulting the safety of the location. As far as actual football goes I think the Eagles will probably stop the skid from the end of last season but I am honestly jealous of the moves Green Bay has made as of late. If Love doesn’t regress, I think the Pack will be quite good. Packers win.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Rocky and Pelé kicking around a cheesehead as a soccer ball

PANTHERS @ SAINTS
If I had to pick a football game I am least likely to watch all weekend, it’s this one. What is there to be excited about here? Derek Carr and Dennis Allen floundering about before they get fired? Dave Canales in over his head trying to save Bryce Young? Do not watch this game. I guess I’ll pick the Saints.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young doing a jig on top of broken down Derek Car

VIKINGS @ GIANTS
The Giants are wearing their silly centennial uniform for this one. I have no idea what to expect from either team this season. I think the Vikings have the slight edge here because I think they have a more competent offense even with Sam Darnold at the helm. This will probably be a defensive battle with a lot of dumb turnovers and whoever wins will be the team that fucks up less. Vikings by a smidge.
If the Giants win, I will draw Malik Nabers as a Giant, crushing tiny Vikings underfoot

PATRIOTS @ BENGALS
The Patriots might have a QB of the future but if they do take steps forward this season I assume they will be small. Bengals are the clear favorite here.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Jacoby Brissett telling the fake slim shady (Burrow) to sit back down

STEELERS @ FALCONS
Arthur Smith revenge game! My god, it’s full of mid. I am genuinely excited to watch this because I don’t know what to expect from these teams. I know the Steelers offense is going to be bad, but I want to know how bad. I want to know if there is QB battle tension. I want to know what the Falcons are doing…everywhere. The Falcons have been making baffling decisions all off-season and I must know how it pays off. The Steelers defense is probably better but the offense will probably be much worse. I’ll give Atlanta the edge because the Steelers love to play terribly against bad teams on the road.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Russell Wilson as a fine dandy gentlemen on stilts

TEXANS @ COLTS
I don’t know about the rest of you but I keep forgetting Anthony Richarson exists. He went down so early last year, the Colts were mid, and they just slide off my brain. They just refuse to take up permanent residence in my memory. After last year the Texans have a lot of high expectations so I have to give them the nod here.
If the Colts win, I will draw Anthony Richardson as an evil alchemist, absorbing the hype energy aura from CJ Stroud

CARDINALS @ BILLS
Will we get Hail Murray 2.0? Probably not. Curious to see how the Bills look with such scraps at WR but they seem like the obvious winner here.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw bird Kyler Murray nesting in the empty Bills trophy case

TITANS @ BEARS
The Titans are my big darkhorse for the #1 overall pick. I just smell death on them. They lost the franchise identity with Henry leaving, Levis wasn’t anything of note, they have new coaches, nothing smells good. The Bears are going to get off to a good start and the Caleb hype will skyrocket.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis painting his fingernails with mayo

JAGUARS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins? In September? That’s when they look like the best team in football!
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence and Travis Etienne as the main characters from Miami Vice

BRONCOS @ SEAHAWKS
DO YOU BO-LIEVE? Not yet. I think Geno and the Seahawks are overrated but I loved the coaching hire so you never know. I’ll take the home team for this one.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix (onix the Pokemon, for reference) crushing the space needle

RAIDERS @ CHARGERS
Last year this game ended Brandon Staley’s head coaching career and gave Antonio Pierce the big job. Now Harbaugh is in town and I’m drinking the kool-aid. The Raiders still don’t have a QB. Chargers win.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as a Vegas burlesque dancer

COWBOYS @ BROWNS
Cowboys love early-season hype and I do not trust the Browns with Watson under center. Ignoring all the predator stuff, he hasn’t been worth it as a football player since joining the Browns either.
If the Browns win, I will draw Jerry Jones losing his hand at poker after he went all in

COMMIES @ BUCS
Commies have a lot to be optimistic about but I think they are still a long way off from being relevant. The Bucs are the most competent NFC South team, which is a bar that is still slightly higher than that. Also, home team.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels as a siren, luring Bucs to their doom

RAMS @ LIONS
The Lions are real. The Rams feel like they just exist. I keep forgetting they actually made the playoffs last year and basically played this exact same game.
If the Rams win, I will draw finally experiencing a win in Detroit

JETS @ 49ERS
I can’t believe the NFL is pulling a mulligan after last season and trying this again by putting Rodgers in MNF primetime to start the year. Last year Leonard Floyd sacked Rodgers and tore his Achilles. This year, Leonard Floyd is now a 49er, and has a chance to do the funniest thing in NFL history.
If the Jets win, I will draw Rodgers on Joe Rogan spouting nonsense

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs punching each other in the dick as a sort of yin/yang cosmic balance