FOOTBALL IS BACK ON THE MENU
WE BACK BITCHES
Tonight we watch the surprisingly hobbled Chiefs take on the massively hyped Lions. Our nightmare wait is over. What teams will rise? What teams will fall? What kind of season will we experience? Will it be the same ol’ competitors at the top again or will we have some new blood in the Super Bowl? Hell, we won’t even know which teams are good until like weeks 3-4 so lets just sit back and let the week 1 overreactions pile up.
PICS ARE BACK. Let’s not waste more time and get to what the people want. I plan on doing a lot more themes this year because it makes coming up with ideas much easier, but we’ll stick to standard stuff for week 1. REMINDERS FOR THE FORGETFUL AND THE NEWBIES:
-I pick every game’s winner. If I get the winner wrong, I have to draw the bet I have come up with
-Do not ask if I can “draw the idea anyway”, I do not want to lose, because I’m lazy and do not want to do extra work. A good week for me is bad for you, and vice versa.
-Pics are posted on Mondays, and the post will be updated on Tuesdays to accommodate the MNF games. This year I plan on posting the pictures for Monday but probably not doing the picks section until Tuesday, so this year be sure to check both days.
-You are allowed to suggest changes and ideas to the drawings, if I like them better than my own, I will likely use them. Keep in mind I prefer simple, concise ideas that allow me some flexibility in how to present it. I am not recreating the Sistine Chapel.
-I am allowed to change my winner bet anytime before the game (mostly to account for injuries and such), but not after the game has started. I can change my idea for the drawing whenever I want because sometimes games are so weird that they present ideas during the event itself.
LIONS @ CHIEFS
It’s honestly very, very tempting to pick the Lions here. The Chiefs might be without Kelce and are in a contract feud with Chris Jones. The Lions are a shockingly common pick for the NFCN crown and have gotten a ton of hype following the surge late last season. There is also a lot of pressure on the hosting winner now, and we saw the Bills embarrass the Rams last season. I would not be surprised if the Lions actually do manage to win this, but it’s still an outside shot and I am not picking against the best player in football.
If the Lions win, I will draw Coach Muscles as a Lion doing a kickflip off the Walrus
BENGALS @ BROWNS
The Bengals are shockingly bad versus the Browns in the Burrow era for whatever reason and maybe The Rapist actually remembers how to play football with a normal offseason back under his belt. But I think the Browns are going to be mediocre, disappointingly average, and honestly forgettable this season. Maybe that’s for the best. I don’t know if Burrow will be fully himself for the game either but I’m going with the Bengals because they are simply the better team.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie Elf peeing on a plate of Skyline Chili
TEXANS @ RAVENS
The Texans are on the right track. That track won’t hit a meaningful station for a while though. The Ravens are at home, have an explosive new offensive coordinator, OBJ, and a healthy Lamar back. This should be a ritual slaughter.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as the anointed one
BUCS @ VIKINGS
The Bucs are starting Baker Mayfield. Even a regressed to-the-mean Vikings team should be able to take care of business here.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield keelhauling Kirk Cousins
PANTHERS @ FALCONS
Can the new Tiny QB ™ defeat…uh…(checks notes) I guess they went with Ridder as the starter, makes sense. I think the Panthers will end up a decent team eventually and probably be better than the Falcons by year’s end, but not in week 1 with the Falcons more experienced and likely ready to just run the ball all over.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Tiny Bryce Young engaged in midair combat with a falcon
CARDINALS @ COMMIES
The Commies feel like a candidate to start out of the gate surprisingly hot and then fade into mediocrity after the early season surge. It helps that game one is against the team most openly tanking.
If the Cardinals defy basic logic and win, I will draw Coach Gannon as Gannondorf.
JAGUARS @ COLTS
Jaguars are the easy favorite to win the AFC South, but they might actually be the only good team in the AFCS to begin with. Colts are making smart moves but Anthony Richardson isn’t gonna blow it up in week 1 of his rookie year out of nowhere.
If the Colts win, I will draw the Colts hanging a banner that says “surprised the Jaguars in week 1”
49ERS @ STEELERS
Two questionable offenses led by questionable quarterbacks versus two good defenses anchored by the stud younger brother of another defensive superstar. This has all the makings of a shitty slugfest, so the Steelers will somehow win 41-38 and everyone will overreact to the 49ers loss.
If the 49ers win, I will draw Nick Bosa eating Kenny Pickett
TITANS @ SAINTS
I low-key think the Saints are going to be a top draft-pick contender. They got Derek Carr, who is decent enough to elevate a team to forgettable, but Dennis Allen sucks and I think we won’t notice the Saints are a pile of garbage losing every game by 10 points until like week 9 when we collectively realize they are 1-8 when writers have to start putting out coach hot seat watches.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car running El Tractorcito off the road
RAIDERS @ BRONCOS
Good lord this could be bad. We finally get to see if Sean Payton can save Russ from himself. I have many doubts. I think Russ got by in Seattle by being an incredible out-of-pocket improviser and in the last two seasons has lost that touch. He’s not as mobile, he’s not as slippery, and he’s not as accurate. Without his uncanny ability to scramble and throw a pinpoint bomb at any given second, he’s just a short-stack QB with poor decision-making. However…they are playing the fucking Raiders, led by Josh McDaniels, quarterbacked by Handsome “nothing in his head” Jimmy. Broncos are gonna win and Denver fans will get hype only for that to crash in week 2.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Jimmy Garoppolo as a blackjack dealer
EAGLES @ PATRIOTS
I expect the Eagles to regress somewhat this season and they likely have more trouble with this game than they should. However, they still win it. Mac Jones is poopy.
If the Patriots win, I will draw a shirtless Mac Jones climbing a lamp post
RAMS @ SEAHAWKS
Was Geno a fluke last year? I think both yes and no. He’s definitely still a good QB but I’m not sure the Hawks will surprise us as much and they might struggle more. However the Rams might be shit again. Stafford is coming off a major injury and is old now. Donald has flirted with retirement like 5 times. Cupp has no hamstring. The rest of the team is a bunch of nobodies thanks to the all-in moves for the chip coming home to roost. Seahawks win.
If the Rams win, I will draw Aaron Donald as a Dodge Ram
DOLPHINS @ CHARGERS
God I love a matchup between two high-powered offenses on teams that perpetually underachieve their talent levels. This could be the game of the week. I guess I’ll go Chargers since they are at “home”
If the Dolphins win, I will draw happy Tua flipping the breaker and cutting Justin Herbert’s power off
PACKERS @ BEARS
A lot of excitement around Justin Fields this offseason. There are reasons to be optimistic in the Bears. I keep having this gut feeling they will suck major ass though, Fields will still not be a threat throwing the ball, and he gets hurt if he keeps running it the way they did last year. The Packers are a complete wildcard with Love, but I think they win this game and everyone gets hype about Love regardless of whether he ends up being good or not.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields burning down a meat-packing plant
COWBOYS @ GIANTS
The annual SNF matchup of New York vs Dallas. No wonder the rest of the league hates us. I’m so tired of this shit. As much as I want the Giants to be good, I think the Cowboys are better and win this one on the way to a division title. I just want the game to be good and for Jones to take steps forward even if we lose.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones flicking off the haters
BILLS @ JETS
Maybe for the first time in my entire lifetime, this matchup is hype. I think the Jets do it, and the takes are fucking insufferable. I think Buffalo is due for a surprising downtrend this year (still good, but not the major threat they were before), and the Jets have the oomph.
If the Bills win, I will draw young buck Josh Allen hurdling Aaron Rodgers into an early grave
A TIE
If neither team wins, I will draw both QBs being fired into the sun
Years after first discovering this site, these comics are still a constant and one of the few things that make me smile with a new update, not to mention one of the only two outlets where I get football news(the other being a forum, and honestly, public football forums are so rife with trolls and idiots that I vastly prefer the opinions seen here from Dave and my fellow commenters, all who I trust to have more expert, informed, grounded opinions than the average football fan).
Please, never leave us Dave. Your comics are one of the few rays of sunshine I’m having in a quite dismal time of my life.
Or, in other words…
FOOTBALL IS BACK OH BOY OH BOY TIME TO ENJOY SPORTS AND FORGET REAL LIFE WOES WOOOOO
“(…) planning to become a Browns fan.”
Does not compute lol
“If the Bills win, I will draw young buck Josh Allen hurdling Aaron Rodgers into an early grave”
Hurdling? That implies Josh Allen is, uh, jumping into the grave himself.
Did you mean ‘hurling’?
Maybe it’s like Josh Allen is hurdling over Aaron Rodgers, who is now stumbling into his open grave?
If the Raiders win you should draw Jimmy as Lord of the Kendom.
Even for the most bitter of fans week 1 brings new hope. As a Falcons fan I look at the schedule and think we can squeak out 11 wins but as my name implies, I know our place. Should be fun to watch us run the dang ball though.
What are the most deranged expectations ya’ll have seen around the web? For my money I say the Jets hype is way overblown, they will be better but not great. I don’t see that team as Superbowl or bust as many seem to imply.
Turns out the Jets did have an Achilles heel this year…
Totally prepared to barely watch any football until the World Series is over. Go Orioles! Take that Dave, you chose the football side, and now the Giants will let you down every year while the O’s rise. 😀
you should go with “If the Cardinals defy basic logic and win, I will draw Coach Gannon as Gannondorf.” every week until they actually maybe win one. i wanna see Coach Gannondorf, and it’ll be a while before it happens, if it does, that’s a win win.
Seconded!
This should become the new Lions kneecaps drawing from a few seasons ago, just do it until you finally draw it
Merry football Christmas everyone!
98 Bills-Jets was pretty hype. First ever HD broadcast in CBS history.
Didn’t that coincide with the House impeaching Bill Clinton for… (checks notes) a blow job?
I was actually at that game. My roomate’s dad owned a box at the time at Rich Stadium. My main memories of that game are a a good Samaritan in a full bison coat in the row in front of us having to both break up a fight between two drunks and help up another fan that sliped and fell, Bryan Cox* being the main focus of the Bills fans ire, and going to this bar and grill afterwards with peanut shells all over the floor.
* I’m surprised no one’s created an ad with him and Brian Cox.
I’m feeling very called out by that flea flicker comment!
Same reaction here lol
If the meat-packing plant that will burn down is National Beef I will root for the Bears with rabid support the likes of which has never been seen.
I love that we’re still clowning on the Colts for that banner. Feels like going back home to see Dave predict the Giants to lose. That said after our last season of beating expectations I’m expecting us to be a better team with a worse record.
For ideas, Dave what about a Zelda themed week? There are so many games to pull from and I know you’re a fan of the series.
Seconding the Zelda week idea!
As a Bears fan, I want for nothing more than the burning of Cudahy Packing while a slow march of cheeseheads files into a Wisconsin Unemployment Office.
“planning on becoming a Browns’ fan” might be the saddest thing I’ve ever read
uh oh Big Draw Play is hiding miracle wins he doesn’t want you to know about, try all natural Quantum XFL to guarantee boosted win columns and detoxified fantasy QB standings
Any chance we could see The Rapist drawn like Quagmire?
I will probably not draw Deshaun at all anymore. Even to mock him it feels wrong to draw him. Too gross
This is your golden chance to mock Toney
Toney won a ring and now he has checked out of the office again.
Outside of the Super Bowl – which I will forever celebrate for his part in denying the Iggles a ring – did he ever really check into the office? People were clowning on the Giants like the dude was some kind of steal by KC. Yes, the Giants whiffed on the pick, but not on the trade. I’ll take injury-prone Darren Waller any day.
In 7 regular season games for the Chiefs last year, he came up with 2 receiving TDs, 1 rushing TD, and a fumble. WOOOOO, what a performance. It was excused with the “he just joined the Chiefs, and their offense is soooo complex, it’ll just take time! He’s gonna be a monster next year, LULZ Giants!”
I just don’t know why everyone says he fell off, checked out, etc., when he never was there to begin with, outside of the Super Bowl performance. I expect him to sit out next week with a hamstring injury, and that is when things will get REALLY FUN for KC. I’ll be flat out surprised if he ever amounts to much. He’s got the physical talent, but not the will power. The fact that he is still on twitter fighting with Giants fans many many months after the trade tells you everything you need to know.
The hype last year by writers and analysts after the trade was driving me insane, like we gave up Michael Jordan. None of them watched his Giants tenure, he was fucking useless, had like 1 good game, was a giant headcase, and was injured all the time. I don’t know any Giants fan sad we traded him. You are dead on he had nothing to fall from, one good punt return in the Super Bowl didn’t make him good
Toney was so universally despised by Giants fans, a side effect was that we cut Golladay a little slack for at least feeling genuine remorse for being such a disappointment.
> Colts are making smart moves
Citation needed. Is it that they shot themselves in the correct part of the foot? That fighting JT into early retirement in time for their boom/bust QB is well-timed? That spending more money than anyone on their O-Line for bottom-half production is a wise investment? That Shaq Leonard is strong enough to carry both halves of the team on his back?
I guess when I said that I was referring to the HC hire, who I liked, and I think Richardson might pan out in his hands, but the Colts won’t be good this year and have a ways to go
Consider this alt drawing:
Dan Campbell crushing Toney’s brick-hands with his pecks
Trust me, I realize the mediocrity of Toney as my tv market teams are the Giants and Bills. One can check in for a single game, and luckily for Toney it was the superbowl.
This is why I don’t comment on sports forums generally. A little fun at Toney’s expense turns into an essay about recency bias. He could still turn it around despite his overall mediocre play. I really don’t recall Toney being mentioned among sports writers as a Tyrek Hill level player or anything like that.
I assume this was in reply to my comment. While writing it, I debated putting most of my comment in its own post, as it genuinely wasn’t a direct reply to you, but more of a trigger that the entire sports world treated it like he was amazing last year, and he just suddenly had a bad game. Ultimately, I felt they were connected enough to leave it in. So I apologize if I took your fun and ran with it. =(
My sports media watching habits are all over the place, so I can’t cite specific moments the Giants got clowned on, but it felt like no matter what I watched, everyone was just laughing at them. “Haha, they need a receiver, and look who they just traded away. Haha, they’re so dumb.” That narrative heated up after the Chiefs beat the Iggles, but it did tone down significantly after the Giants got Waller. But the general wave of sports media opinion that I’ve been doused in put the trade as a ginormous W for the Chiefs.
I know there are a lot on here you probably didn’t expect to have to draw, but as a long-suffering Saints fan, I really hope you can deliver on all of these. Thank you for being my favorite late-night surf during the dark and desolate off-season.