Earl Thomas And His Very Normal Scandal
Earl Thomas is lucky to be alive. We could be having a far more serious discussion right now and thankfully we are not. For those less terminally online with things to love and a life to live who missed this spicy little news drop yesterday: Earl Thomas got caught in bed with another woman by his wife, who held what she thought was an empty gun at his head. The gun was not empty and the safety was not on. If she had squeezed the trigger at all, Earl would be dead. Yikes.
His wife found out about the cheating because Earl put it up on his snapchat. This is an incredible self-own, yet still only his second worst self-own this year. Here’s the first, lest we forget. His wife grabbed a gun, unloaded the clip (and forgot the one in the chamber), and threatened Thomas with it. Then we had what I can only presume was a Benny Hill-esque struggle until the cops showed up and arrested the wife. Thankfully, nobody was hurt, and we can make jokes about how ridiculous all this is. The best part may have come afterward, as Earl tried to get ahead of the story and said this, emphasis mine:
“Instead of talking about us, just keep us in y’all prayers, Stuff like this happens.”
It sure does! I can’t even count the number of people I knew who cheated on their spouse on snapchat while their sibling was also getting it on and then got held at gunpoint. Shit’s more common than pollen allergies in spring. Sadly, it is also my duty to report that the funniest and freakiest bit of the TMZ story may not have been true. The story reads as if Earl and his brother Seth were getting their freak on in the same room, making this a delightful orgy of infidelity. According to a follow up report, the bros and their hoes were not in a steamy seduction of love together, but in separate rooms. If this story was on a menu the spicy pepper icon next to the item would have just dropped from 3 peppers to 1. Should we believe this second report? I guess. I think most of us can agree the idea of Earl cheating on his wife in a family sex party is way funnier.
If his wife really wanted to scare Thomas straight, she should have sent Derrick Henry into the room.
…shit that would have been a funnier comic.
I feel bad for the lonely bullet in the chamber being socially distanced from the rest of the clip and never used. Pull the trigger for the little guy
It’s not too late to make the other comic Dave!
A checkdown one shot maybe
The question is, could it ever be as good as the ones we have in our heads right now?
I’m still chuckling at the mental image of a cartoon riff on that stiffarm pic…
Reminds me of Steve McNair.
I love that he asked people to respect his privacy on Twitter and Mark Ingram, his teammate, said that he wasn’t getting out of answering questions about it.
Good on Mark. Infidelity should be a crime itself IMO.
Mark’s a good dude. Wish the Saints wouldn’t have let him go. I don’t like the Ravens (organization as a whole mainly) but I pull for Mark.
I am terribly sorry, pedantry forces me to this, but it is a magazine, not a clip. No one actually cares, but a clip is used to charge an integral magazine. Magazines feed the action directly. OK, I’m done. I’ll go away now.
I thought about saying something, but then thought “nobody cares”. I guess you are just a higher ranking pedant than me.
See, I knew I wasn’t alone.
man, that moment of Henry turning Thomas around was my favorite moment of the entire playoffs. Dude got clowned. He looks like I imagine what it would look like if some rando won a “play one snap in the NFL” contest, and ended up trying to stop Henry
Man I wish they would for all the “I could make that play” guys.
nah, us randos would be in traction
I don’t own a gun or shoot, and even I know the basics of firearms.
Rule #1: The gun is *never* empty. Ever. Even when it is
Rule #2: The safety is always off, even when it’s on
Rule #3: Never, ever, even as a joke, point the gun at anything/anyone you aren’t intending to shoot
Rule #4: Never put your finger on the trigger unless you actually want to pull it right away
Everyone involved here was *incredibly* lucky that nothing happened. Especially given that she did have her finger on the trigger, and the gun could have easily gone off even before they started struggling over it.
In reality this is what I should have been getting my shorts in a bunch over.
Reminds me of my favorite exchange from the cartoon Duckman:
Duckman: I remember my dad’s last words to me…
Cornfed: “Careful son, I don’t think the safety’s on”?
Duckman: BEFORE that!
Rule #0 should be if you don’t know how your gun works, don’t pick it up. It’s a semiautomatic pistol. If it was loaded you have to assume there’s still a round in the chamber after ejecting the magazine.
I mean, why not? It’s not like anything else is happening in sports right now.
Dave, you cut off Earl’s quote. He follows “stuff like this happens” with
“We try to live the best lives we possibly can.”
I assume he’s not talking from the moral standpoint…..
How has Jay Cutler divorcing his celebrity wife not comic-worthy?
i really need to keep count of the number of “why is x not a comic” posts on this site, theyre probably a shamefully large proportion