The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–As far as Divisional weeks go, this one was average. I’ve seen better divisional weeks, and I’ve seen worse. But the best part of Divisional Weekend is that it’s rare to get a truly unwatchable game. This week certainly kept that going. None of the games were blowouts, and all were compelling to the end. But as far as Chaos goes, we really only got one surprise.

TEXANS/CHIEFS
This was pretty much the quintessential 2024 Chiefs game. The offense was frustrating, Mahomes got all the superstar calls, the defense was excellent, and the game was close despite never feeling quite close enough. The Texans defense did their job for the most part but that offense just couldn’t get it going. Late in the 4th the Texans had a slim chance to get points to move it into one-score game territory and they had a complete meltdown, stalling close to the goalline and having their field goal attempt blocked. This is just how this new Chiefs team wins games. It’s not so much that they dominate, but they are so experienced and disciplined, especially on defense, that you have to play perfectly and other teams just beat themselves. They really are just the new Patriots. They have crossed the horizon line of watchability and all this greatness is now boring. Tell this to a Chiefs fan, and you’ll get a response that sounds exactly like every Patriots fan during those dynasty years in the later 2010’s. “What do you mean boring? You just don’t appreciate greatness!” I do appreciate greatness, but greatness doesn’t always make for quality entertainment as an outsider fan. I was a massive Mahomes fan for many of his first years, you can read my archives. Last year that threshold was crossed. They aren’t interesting anymore. As I said with the Patriots for so long: once you reach of a level of success that the most interesting thing you can do is lose a football game, you aren’t fun anymore. Most of America is rooting for the Chiefs to lose. Chiefs fans will interpret this as jealous hating. That’s only a part of it. What it actually is, is fatigue. The only interesting outcome of a Chiefs win this year is the Three-peat, which would be new, but not nearly as fun to me as some of these other teams winning.

LIONS/COMMIES
I started getting really worried about the Lions in the back half of the season. You can only lose so many people. The team weathered the injury bug like the genuine champions they felt like, but nobody is immune to this. The strain on this Lions team was too strong. With a defense so injured, the instant they had a poor offensive showing the jig was up. This was that game. Jared Goof showed up at a bad time and put the Lions in an uncharacteristic hole. The Commanders simply stayed ahead of the comeback by dragging that clock out on a team that could not effectively stop them. Jayden Daniels is the best rookie QB I have ever watched. He looks like a 10-year veteran. It’s astounding what this team has pulled off. This was heartbreaking for the Lions. They might lose both coordinators and enter the dreaded “cant get over the hump” phase of being a competitor. They become the 2nd ever 15 win team to go winless in the playoffs (2011 Packers) and after sending 3 teams to the playoffs, the NFC North ended up with zero wins. Meanwhile the NFC East has claimed both championship slots. Frauds, that entire division.

RAMS/EAGLES
I came out of the Packers game a little worried about the Eagles. Something felt off. The Eagles won again, but those feelings have not retreated. The defense is missing something without Nakobe Dean back there. Hurts remains hot and cold as a passer, and he spent much of the game hobbled and immobile. I don’t know if those injuries will linger into next week, but it’s bad news if they do. Saquon is still Saquon. The Eagles decision making at the end of the game though almost cost them. All they needed to ice the win was a couple first downs. The Eagles go and call a fucking naked bootleg to the left with their hobbled, immobile quarterback. It results in a terrible sack that gives the Rams the final chance they needed. Why would they not just feed Saquon 3 times? The best back in football, late in the game when he likes to spring long runs…and you give the game to your injured QB on a scramble? Sirianni, you are a dope. The Rams would almost pull off the miracle but stalled at the end when it mattered. This Eagles team is frightening when they operate like competent football players, but they are still prone to baffling decisions. It almost cost them. Now they face a game against a spirited foe that beat them last time they met.

RAVENS/BILLS
Well, another year, another round of Lamar can’t win in the playoffs discourse. I don’t want to touch the MVP toxicity that is the animosity between these two teams right now. The Ravens came out flat and bad in January yet again. Lamar threw a terrible arm punt. Then he fumbled the ball. The Bills took off to a nice 21-7 lead. Football Moose scored twice all by his damn self. I love football moose. The Bills didn’t manage to put the Ravens away though and they clawed back into it, and Lamar came alive in that final drive to look like maybe he could put these ghosts to rest. Then Mark Andrews dropped the easy 2pt attempt. It was right in his hands. It was his second vital drop of the day (a bad fumble earlier in the half gave Buffalo more of a score buffer). A brutal way to lose. I really thought the Ravens might be the best team in the playoffs this year going in. They disappointed me.

GIANTS CORNER
–It’s not too late to fire Daboll and Schoen, Mara! You can still do it! Right now! Surely you thought about it watching Saquon beat the Rams! Just do it! Fire ’em!

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–For the final 8 minutes of the first half, Lions/Commies was the funniest game of all time. The Lions retook the lead in a close 10-7 match with a beautiful TD to Sam LaPorta. It is now 10-14. About a minute of gametime later, Terry McLaurin breaks free into the secondary and sprints for the massive TD. 17-14. About a minute of gametime later, Jared Goof returns with an airball that the Commies return for a pick-6. 24-14. Goff gets hurt on the play and Teddy Bridgewater, who was sitting on his couch a few weeks ago, is in the game. A bit over a minute of gametime later, a double reverse to Jameson Williams 61 yards into the endzone. 24-21. About 2 minutes after that, Daniels connects on a beautiful 50 yard bomb to Dyami Brown, and they punch it in with Zach Ertz 30 seconds later. 31-21. The Lions drive the field in the remaining 1:30 and reach field goal range with 30 seconds left when Jared Goof strikes back with a bad endzone pick to seal the half. It was 10-7 with 9 minutes in the half. At halftime it is 31-21. Everyone watching the game was losing their minds. It was a playoff record.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–A playoff safety? Wowee!
-Mahomes has largely been a checkdown merchant who isn’t as fun to watch this season, but he can still deliver the occasional Mahomes Bullshit
–The Rams probably have a kick return TD if they don’t block their own guy
-Down 10 in the 4th, Ben Johnson getting desperate pulls out his bag of tricks, and it goes very poorly.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–What the fuck was that 61 yard Jameson Williams thing. What even was that. Just when it looks like the Lions are out of it, they do that shit.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Those Jared Goof picks basically put the Lions in a hole they couldn’t escape. The first gave the Commies a big two-score lead, and the second ended a drive where they should have gotten points. Jared Goof, more like Jared Oof

CHAOS WATCH
–Well, 4 teams left. Two of them are long suffering franchises. Two of them are current juggernauts who already met in a Super Bowl two years ago. Can we, for the love of god, get at least one of those suffering teams into the bowl? Nobody wants a Chiefs/Eagles rematch.

FRAUD WATCH
–Outside very light suspicion of the Eagles, nobody is a fraud at this stage. Not even the Lions were frauds, just put them in that spot to be spicy. I want to congratulate the Texans for looking like the biggest frauds all year long and proving they were worth taking seriously, even if it ended in yet another Divisional loss.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Nobody is truly disappointing at this stage but after the season they had, it’s hard to not feel let down by the Lions.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Somebody had to go here, but not even the Texans deserve it. I chose them because of how badly they fell apart in those final minutes.

PICS!

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK

COMMIES @ EAGLES
Last time these two met Hurts was out and we got a thriller. This time the game is in Philly and Hurts will presumably play. The Commies miracle run has been a joy to experience and I hope Dan Snyder watched them win, tripped over his own feet throwing a tantrum, and fell down some stairs. The Eagles are going to be the favorites here and they should be, as long as Saquon is healthy they have the best weapon for either team. It will be curious to see if the Commanders can matriculate the ball against that defense and stay in it. I look forward to seeing this one. Go Commies, obviously.
If the Commies win, I will draw Comrade Jayden Daniels destroying the Liberty bell with his hammer and piercing an eagle with his sickle
If the Eagles win, I will draw Saquon the Eagle destroying the red menace

BILLS @ CHIEFS
The Bills are one of the only teams to actually beat the Chiefs all year. Football Moose is incredible and these two teams are a perfect playoff rivalry of power. I worry the Bills simply aren’t as complete of a team. I also worry about Chiefs Bullshit. I also might have to watch this game on mute if Tony Romo is calling it.
If the Bills win, I will draw Football Moose standing triumphant over the dead walrus, the three-peat prevented
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Andy Reid saying BUNDLEROOSKIDOO over the grave of the Buffalo Bills