David Tepper Rubs His Balls
The Carolina Panthers have successfully found a new owner. His name is David Tepper. He is a global hedge fund manager. He was a minority owner of the Steelers (He is from Pittsburgh). He’s generic white billionaire man. There is really only one mildly interesting thing about David Tepper.
He has a pair of brass balls that he kept on his desk.
Isn’t that the most old white billionaire hedge fund manager thing you’ve ever heard? That is some Jordan Belfort wall street shit right there. His global hedge fund is based in Miami. There is a 100% chance David Tepper has snorted cocaine off his pair of giant brass balls.
It’s pretty disappointing we didn’t get anybody interesting to buy the Panthers but the chances of that happening were always pretty low. He spouted some talk about bringing the Steelers way to Carolina, like franchise stability and yadda yadda yadda it’s all words. Jimmy Haslam spouted the same crap.
There was an emphasis in the news that Tepper isn’t moving the team, which is apparently something people were concerned about? I’ve never heard any rumblings that Carolina wasn’t working as a location. They aren’t the biggest market but they were never under threat of move as far as I know. Whatever, Panthers fans can relax I guess. At least he’s not Jerry Richardson? He’ll probably just be a guy who owns a team and isn’t terribly remarkable in any way, like the owners of The Cardinals. Do you know who owns the Cardinals offhand without looking it up? No one does. Nobody has owned the Cardinals for 40 years.
Anyway, white billionaire guy buys team, rubs his brass balls. This is going to be a slow offseason. May as well watch the hockey playoffs, those are always interesting.
The Bidwells own the Cardinals. They are not so generic an NFL owner, here was is why I know who the Bidwells are and why an entire town in Pennsylvania you have never heard of despises them: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1925_NFL_Championship_controversy
Mundane Fact: The Cardinals are owned by Bill Bidwill
Fun conjecture: Bill Bidwill may or may not be a human husk piloted by a sentient colony of scorpions.
Source: I’m currently in Phoenix and the sun is about 10 feet away from my head. The scorpion theory may be based on actual witness accounts or sun stroke induced hallucinations.
So glad I moved from AZ back to MN. The winters may be fantastic down there, but then you hit April and all hell breaks loose. Anyway, Go Cards (unless they are playing the Vikings)!
I dunno man. I was stationed in Yuma for 4 years before moving back to the East Coast, and this spring has reminded me why living in a barren wasteland was a godsend during pollen season.
I had clients in both Minneapolis and Pheonix, and refused to travel during the winter, summer respectively, so my idea of both places is fantastic. My first trip to Pheonix I didn’t plan right and left my suitcase in the car and came back to a bunch of melted overnight stuff.
Suck my balls.
It’s the Bidwill family, no Google needed. I recall them being considered really cheap owners when it came to signing or extending player contracts. (perhaps that’s even the inspiration behind Jerry Maguire’s “show me the money!”)
Now if you ask me who owns the Dolphins, I have no f’ing clue. If you told me no one owned them for the last 40 years, I would have totally believed.
Dolphins is Stephen Ross. I have no clue who owns the Jets though.
That would be Woody Johnson, whose family help found Johnson & Johnson. I got nothing on who owns the Bears.
McCaskets.
Bill Belichick owns the Jets and the Bills.
I thought the rest of the NFL owned the Cardinals.
Ha! GAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!
original
Too bad Brian France’s group didn’t buy them, then you would have had a well of NASCAR jokes… Eh, this comic is probably funnier.
Ballsy move to make this.
If only the Capitals weren’t kicking Tampa in the balls.
Also, here’s another NAL highlight, just cause:https://youtu.be/VGt48JbBQd8
I feel your pain…been saying the same thing about the Knights giving my Jets the high hard one. I was hopeful after game one…now I’m just hopeful they can make it a decent series.
Nobody moved the Cardinals out of St Louis, so I imagine that’s not really the sort of unremarkability that Panthers fans are looking for.
Regarding this sale of the Panthers, the only interesting bit I’d heard was the rumor that Vince McMahon was one of the frontrunners toward buying the team. It came around the time he was selling a large part of his WWE shares and it’s fairly well-known he is very interested in having something football-related to his name, so it sounded plausible.
And it turned out that actually, he was starting up the XFL again. Yeah. Riiiiight. Mmhmm.
Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve seen Dave’s thoughts about that, comic form, text form or whatever.
What do you think, Dave? I’ve seen ideas thrown around that it would be great if it serves as a developmental league of sorts to feed talent into the NFL. Take players fresh out of high school, give them 3-year contracts and groom them up into actual professionals(instead of playing college ball, which as everyone knows is way different from the pros) before letting them choose whether to stay in the XFL or declare for the NFL draft. Given the negativity around the way the NCAA is run, would function as a way to let otherwise-college players actually earn money as well as keep college teams honest regarding their players.
‘Course, this all hinges on whether Vince makes the right decisions on his new pet project, or else this is going to end up as another flaming trainwreck like the first-version XFL. Still, if done right… this might turn out to be a very interesting development.
I love the idea of the XFL being a minor league for college players, but I also feel it has a 0% chance of happening, I don’t see Vince being that smart. I think Nu-XFL will probably end up as much of a failure as the old one.
I mean whats the weirdest thing do you think Bill Irsay has in his desk? A solid gold crack pipe? Or Al Davis, Jr? A solid chrome boll used to perfect his haircut or the trophies of his victims?
Surely this can’t be the weirdest thing in all the owners desks.
Mark Davis’s desk, or lack thereof, IS the weird part–he works out of a customized 1997 Dodge Caravan with “R8HERS” vanity plates, and a PF Chang’s in a mall. He refers to the latter as “his office.”
http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/13735322/are-mark-davis-raiders-leaving-oakland
That makes perfect sense. He clearly doesn’t want to get caught cannibalizing folks.
David Tepper throws metric gobs of cash at Carnegie Mellon University. They’re building him some disgustingly opulent new shrine to capitalism right under Pitt’s nose right now and it irritates the out of me whenever I see it.
oh yeah forgot their business school is literally the “tepper school of business”
“disgustingly opulent new shrine to capitalism” is +1
Hey, if you’re hard up for material, Hue Jackson is literally jumping in a lake.
Brass
missed a chance to throw in some AC/DC there, Dave.
I think the big concern wasn’t that they were moving out of Carolina. There’s been more talks about them getting a new stadium even though their current stadium is 24 years old and they just finished paying for upgrades. By today’s standard, knocking down the Georgia Dome at 25, it’s almost time. By a standard someone using logic and reason would apply, it makes no sense.
Ive been drinking for years trying to forget my teams current owner.
So we went from an alleged sex offender owner, to a sex-offense-waiting-to-happen owner?
Typical Panther shit. Something happens that’s mildly important about the team, and it just leads everyone to talk about another team instead.
Maybe he just knows what it takes to sell real estate?