The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS

There’s a certain thing I love in football. I absolutely love it when backup QBs just fucking leave it all on the field and play with reckless abandon. There’s an inherent recklessness in certain backups who just get out there and ball. Even if they are bad, they just fucking ball. They throw themselves at first downs, they huck up 50/50 balls on 3rd downs, they let out primal screams when they get first downs. They look like they are having more fun out there than anyone else on the field. They play like they know they don’t have any real chances so they just want to play as hard as possible. Not every backup has it, a lot of them are timid (especially long veterans who know they’ll never start again or very fresh newbies). Franchise QBs rarely show it, even the gunslingers like Josh Allen have too much weight and knowledge on their shoulders to exude the energy with any frequency. I call it Backup Baller Energy. Ryan Fitzpatrick made an entire career out of Backup Baller Energy. Baker Mayfield, though currently a starter, has exuded Backup Baller Energy for most of his career, and his performance in his first game as a Ram last season was peak BBE. This weekend we got treated to some primo BBE, with one game (Vikings/Falcons), reaching off-the-chart levels. Josh Dobbs was a Cardinal last Sunday in week 8 and a Viking in week 9. He did not have a great game, but he also balled the fuck out, turning a surefire sack into a first down by scrambling about 40 yards and doing the same thing for a TD. He scrambled for the 4th down when the game was on the line, and he got the gamewinning TD at the end. On the other side, fresh starter Taylor Heinicke did his best. Heinicke has always had massive BBE tracing back to his start in the playoff game. At one point during this game, he scrambled for a 1st, dove through the air headfirst for like 5 more yards, got up, screamed, and celebrated the first down. THAT was peak BBE.

This week also gave us one of my other favorite things about football: when two evenly matched bad teams face each other and give us incredible games. Saints/Bears was a thriller (Also featuring BBE from Bagent). Houston bounced back from last week’s weird loss to Carolina with an absolute masterpiece against the Bucs where Stroud pretty much confirmed that he is the man. Bryce Young looks like a guy who has been thrown into the pit with no help and might simply never have a chance. Lovie Smith’s little stunt at the end of last season gave the Texans the better QB. Funny how life works out. Bryce could be saved if the Panthers do it right but I’m not sure we should have faith in that happening. Packers/Rams was more of the bad version of two bad teams playing each other and giving us putrid filth. Fumbles, bad plays, gross football. There was entertainment in it if you are a real sicko like me. Lets not forget Commanders/Patriots, a game that felt wild to me because the Commanders spent the trade deadline giving up. I just can’t get used to the Patriots being genuine garbage. There is still a part of me that expects them to just be good every week, like a demon I cannot excise. I cannot imagine how weird Patriots fans (especially young ones) feel.

The Frankfurt game was pretty good. The Chiefs strip fumble/lateral TD before halftime was INCREDIBLE chaos. The Dolphins made a show of it in the end and then fumbled their last chance away. Pittsburgh/Tenessee was exactly the kind of rumbling crapfest the Steelers specialize in. The Steelers are in some ways this year’s Vikings. They’ve barely won every game they’ve won, they’ve gotten blown up a couple of times, and they have a record that doesn’t feel right. Mike Tomlin is a masterclass coach who will never get the praise he deserves.

Baltimore looks like maybe one of the best teams in the entire league but nobody really talks about it. Their loss to the Colts was flukey due to insane drops and refball and their only other loss was to the Steelers, a division rival who always gives them fits and who has an excellent defense primed for chaos.

GIANTS CORNER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
Tough choice between the Texans and Vikings, but I gotta go with the guy who literally started the week as a Cardinal and somehow won a game in the last seconds for a team he didn’t even have time to learn the plays for. It was the opposite of the Josh Freeman Game. The Vikings have achieved equilibrium with Joshes playing QB on short notice.

CHAOTIC MOMENT OF THE WEEK
The ending of the Cowboys/Eagles game was a delight. The Eagles almost lost a buttfumble. The Cowboys drove the field directly to the 6 yard line, with 30 seconds left. I thought they were gonna win! They had basically 4 proper times chances to reach the endzone from the 6 yard line in 30 seconds. Then they get a false start. Then, Prescott takes an incredibly stupid sack, the worst possible thing he could do (He had a chance to throw it away!). Instead of spiking the ball to stop the clock and gather the braintrust for the final two attempts, they panic run a play that goes nowhere with Prescott dumping it way out the back of the endzone. Now they have 5 seconds left from the 22, and then they get a delay of game! Prescott throws it to Lamb, short of the endzone, who gets stuffed. Absolute pants shitting when it matters, Dallas. Top Shelf.

Also, because I was very torn, special mention must be given to the single most chaotic individual play: Texans backup RB Dare Ogunbowale kicking a 29 yard field goal. That field goal would go on to matter in the end, too. Incredible moment.

CHAOS WATCH
THA RAAAAAAAIDAHS! Granted, the New Coach Bump is real, and the game was over the instant Jones got hurt, but the Raiders had renewed vigor under Antonio Pierce. They aren’t going to reach the playoffs but this new team might be able to play spoiler the rest of the year against everyone who wrote them off. The McDaniels stink is gone now, we have to consider them a new team. I am very happy for Pierce, and I will always love him for 2007. His one 3rd down stop in the NFCCG (the real ones know) is one of the single best defensive efforts I have ever seen. I wish his first win didn’t come at my expense but I am very happy for the man.

FRAUD WATCH
The Cowboys under McCarthy are sort of perpetual frauds, but this week was the chance for them to show they at least challenge the Eagles. They mostly did! The Eagles do not look as good as their record indicates. But the Eagles don’t shit themselves like that, and that’s why they win lots of games even when they don’t play their best.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Seahawks; come on, man. I know the Ravens are good but that was pathetic.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Who would have thought the reason the Cardinals were watchable was Josh Dobbs. With Clayton Tune starting, rubbing sandpaper on your eyes would have been a more pleasant watching experience.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – ICONIC CITY LANDMARKS

PANTHERS @ BEARS
Fucking christ this is our Thursday matchup? I can only hope we get one of those stoppable object meets moveable force magic games again and two bad teams turn out for a thriller. Fun fact, the Bears are already the winners, because they own both draft picks here, so a win or a loss is good for them!
If the…fuck. Uh….I guess Panthers win, I will draw Metalmorphosis spitting on The Bean

COLTS @ PATRIOTS (In Frankfurt)
Remember when this game was the regular season matchup of the year? Peyton Manning dueling Tom Brady, Titan V Titan, deciding the #1 seed of the AFC every year. Now it’s this. Mac Jones vs Gardner Minshew, deciding draft order. A disgrace. Good thing we gave Frankfurt Dolphins/Chiefs already because apparently Patriots/Colts was in the shipping container like a foreign plague rat and will now run wild and destroy the local ecosystem. These europe games start at 6:30am my time, and fuck you if you think I’m waking up for this shit.
If the Patriots win, I will draw the Green Monster eating the Soldiers’ and Sailors Monument

BROWNS @ RAVENS
Hey, this looks pretty good! Ravens are excellent but have some consistency issues, and the Browns defense remains a stud. The offense not as much. Hopefully we get a good game out of this.
If the Browns win, I will draw the Guardians smashing the National Aquarium

PACKERS @ STEELERS
Steelers defense is going to eat Jordan Love alive. They will flay him and cook him right there on the field, with players sitting around the table like it’s Korean BBQ and they are all frying up a delicious piece of Packers disappointment.
If the Packers win, I will draw the statue of Vince Lombardi at Lambeau Field doing a roundhouse kick to the Cathedral of Learning

49ERS @ JAGUARS
Would have picked the 49ers easily but now I’m unsure. The Jaguars have come on as of late and the 49ers have stumbled. However they both are coming off byes, and I think that extra time off will do the 49ers good, and they need this win a bit more to stay respectable.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Rex, the dinosaur statue, as it destroys the Golden Gate Bridge

SAINTS @ VIKINGS
I do not think the Josh Dobbs miracle really has lasting legs and the Vikings crash back to the reality of the situation next week.
If the Vikings win, I will draw the big spoon launching the cherry as a meteor into the Superdome

TEXANS @ BENGALS
The Bengals are definitely looking like the good Bengals again and I am happy for them. The Texans can clearly put up a fight but I don’t know if they have this one in them yet.
If the Texans win, I will draw a large trash can covering the Fountain Square Fountain

TITANS @ BUCS
Battle of mid. A fight between two bad teams that kinda show flashes sometimes but you know aren’t making the playoffs and are drafting around the 10-13 range
If the Titans win, I will draw the Sauron Tower vaporizing the Sulphur Springs Water Tower with an eye lazer

LIONS @ CHARGERS
Picking the Lions, but if they lose this they are going on Fraud Watch. If you want to pretend you are an NFC big boy you gotta go across the country and beat a mid AFC team.
If the Chargers win, I will draw the Capitol Records building doing a jig on the remains of the GM Renaissance Center

FALCONS @ CARDINALS
Kyler Murray comes back this week, so if the Cardinals win, we can call the Falcons the league’s best jobber
If the Cardinals win, I will draw the Frank Lloyd Wright Spire piercing the World of Coke

GIANTS @ COWBOYS
Let’s not pretend I’ll have to draw this one
If the Giants win, I will lol

COMMIES @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks took a fat L against the Ravens and still look like wildcard fodder to me. The Commies might provide a decent bounce-back game though! Maybe. The Commies are weird.
If the Commies win, I will draw the Washington Monument being hard and thick, shaming the flaccid space needle

JETS @ RAIDERS
I was impressed at how unrattled QB Farva was in his first NFL start. The Giants defense as a whole massively underperformed against the Raiders but the guy got the ball out fast. I don’t know if the Jets will be quite so forgiving, but I’ll ride the hot hand.
If the Jets win, I will draw the Statue of Liberty beating up the replica vegas statue of liberty

BRONCOS @ BILLS
Obviously the Bills are fraudulent but the Broncos can’t even trick people into thinking they have a chance to begin with.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bluecifer summoning a thunderstorm upon Niagra Falls

A TIE
Both QBs being sacrificed upon the altar of the Bass Pro Shops Pyramid