CHAOS REPORT WEEK 17: BAD TEAMS GONNA BAD
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Wow. I guess it makes sense. Most teams are eliminated right now so few have anything to fight for. But wow. This week might have featured the largest group of unwatchable teams I’ve ever seen. I simply could not choose the biggest stain on my retinas. On top of it all, the Giants were actually one of the watchable teams! What the fuck happened?
I watched 2 minutes of football on Christmas. My wife made me turn on Texans/Ravens so she could see Beyonce. I got to witness roughly 40 seconds of Texans football, and that was enough. The Texans have certainly been hit by injuries this year but this is more than that. The Beyonce halftime show was more elaborate than some Super Bowl halftime shows. Netflix was trying really hard to make this a thing. I hate it. Let the NBA have Christmas. The NFL has Thanksgiving. We do not need Christmas unless it’s already Sunday/Monday/Thursday. NFL games on Wednesday? Fuck off. I have no idea how the Chiefs game went. I assume it was about as fun to watch as every Chiefs game this year.
I did not watch Thursday Night Football. The Seahawks won 6-3. I am glad I did not watch Thursday Night Football.
I did not watch Saturday Football. Well, that’s not entirely true. While walking my dog past a bar that night, I got to see Kyler throw the game-sealing pick through the window. So I did get a solid laugh. I watched Nosferatu instead. If you like Robert Eggers movies it’s worth a watch. I’d still put it below the VVitch and Lighthouse though. I do wish I had seen Bengals/Broncos. Upon watching the highlights, that might have been the game of the week. The Bengals looked like they were going to do it again and give up a painful loss that Burrow fought so hard to win. Tee Higgins though…Tee Higgins. Joe Burrow should be MVP. The Bills would be bad without Allen, the Ravens would be fine without Lamar, the Eagles still good without Barkley. Joe Burrow has put up MVP numbers despite his defense giving up MVP numbers to every other team. I want to see Joe Burrow in the playoffs again. Bump Bonix or Tua. Put Burrow in there. We need playoff Burrow.
The Chargers put the Patriots into a woodchipper. The Eagles, without Jalen Hurts and later Kenny Pickett, put Dallas into an industrial grinder. The Buccaneers dissolved the Panthers in a vat of acid. Aaron Rodgers became the most sacked QB in history as the Jets were nuked by the Bills. The Dolphins, in a surprisingly balmy Cleveland, grinded out an expected win over the woeful Browns. The Titans lost (won?) the battle to see who is the worst team in the AFC South. The Raiders won a meaningless game against the Saints. I saw someone call Spencer Rattler “Patrick Mahomes if he was bad”, and I must agree. The Packers looked outmatched by the Vikings until the Vikings did Vikings things and let the Packers make it uncomfortably close. But Sunday Night ended in a fun thriller between the Falcons and the Commies. Penix managed to experience pure Falcons football and somehow defy the odds to tie it up late and set up a game-winning kick. But the Falcons shall not be defied. The kick was beautiful, straight, and hilariously short. The Falcons.
The Lions did typical Lions things and Brock Purdy did Brock Purdy things. I’m very curious how Purdy’s upcoming contract shakes out.
GIANTS CORNER
–Last year I was very mad at all the people openly rooting for tanking. I’ve been more understanding of that mentality this year, as the team has gotten even worse. Unlike last year, winning a meaningless game this year was more of a setback. Moral victories do not help this current Giants team the way it might have mattered last year. But today, watching the Giants actually play fun football again, I was reminded that sports are supposed to be fun distractions. It was fun to see my team win a football game they “shouldn’t have won”. I got pleasure from this mistake. I briefly went back to the Giants subreddit, and the mood was another reminder that rooting for your team to be unwatchable garbage, wanting them to lose intentionally, is such a loser mindset. The anger and vitriol from fans furious at the people on the field who are fighting for their jobs, for their paychecks, for their families. Demanding them to lie down and take it so that we fans have a different chance at potentially being better in the future without many of them. It’s depressing, and it’s why teams do not tank. I understand why this win may in fact set the team back and damage them in the long run the same way the playoff win set the team back in the long run. I’m not happy about that. I also do not see the value in getting mad at the players or coaches for it. Those players and coaches went out there and did their jobs. They played hard. I wish they had done more of that this year. I lament that the Giants will now likely miss out on one of the two QBs in the draft, or have to trade up a ransom for one, but I do not direct fury at the people on the field for this. That’s misguided nonsense behavior. There is no guarantee of anything the draft promises, and accusing grown adults fighting for their livelihoods of ruining the season is negative self-wank about how much of a “true fan” you are. Be disappointed, but don’t be angry. Besides, we can all wallow in our misery next week when Saquon breaks the rushing record on us.
If you want to be angry at somebody, be angry at the fucking Colts. Playoffs on the line and you go out against the worst team in the NFL and play like that? You let Drew Fucking Lock score 5 touchdowns on you? You deserve all the pain and suffering you must endure, Indianapolis. Hit up your owner, he probably has something for the pain.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Not a great week for a chaos harvest. It was the Giants or the Falcons. Ultimately I’m going with the Giants because nobody would have expected the Giants to put up 45 goddamn points against a fringe playoff competitor fighting for their lives. The two teams looked like they swapped jerseys pre-game. The Colts laid a massive egg, the Giants threw themselves out of top draft pick contention for no reason, Drew Lock scored 5 TDs, Tyrone Tracy and Malik Nabers became one of the very few rookie duo’s to ever hit over 1000 yards. A fucking kickoff return. This was the most watchable game of the week for no reason at all. How stupid.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Kenny Pickett pump faking himself into a front flip fumble might be my favorite cartoon pratfall of the year
–THE TAMPA BAY DUCKANEERS
-Jake Bates, smokeshow
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The Giants immediately running back the second half kickoff was the moment this game broke me open and I just stopped worrying about draft picks and let the enjoyment of football wash over me again
-The Falcons beautiful miss to send it to OT
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Caleb Williams with the arm punt to seal the end of the quagmire that was the Bears game
-Kyler with a chance to win gets the pass tipped and picked off. Oooooooof.
CHAOS WATCH
–Well, everything is almost set. At this point it’s mostly just seeding. The Vikings have a chance to steal the NFC’s top seed from the Lions at the very end. The Falcons could still magically muster a playoff appearance they do not deserve if the Bucs go stupid again. The Bengals, against all odds, might manage it if the Chiefs backups can embarrass Denver. Thank god we will still have some stuff to watch for in the final week.
FRAUD WATCH
–If you retained any doubts as to the fraudulence of the Indianapolis Colts, you have been shown the light this day. Frauds to the end. Speaking of teams that lost to the Giants, the Seahawks have been eliminated for good now. Deserved. A team with such shame on their record cannot be allowed in the postseason.
–The Steelers looked like a class of the AFC for much of the year after Russ came in. They’ve fallen back down and now look like another vintage Mike Tomlin playoff exit.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Colts. My god. The Giants had the worst point average per game in the league. They held the #1 pick. A win was necessary to survive in the playoff picture. The Giants would score 45 points. They doubled their season’s INT total in one game. (Yes, okay, they only had 1 going into the game and then got 2 off of Flacco, but still). Nothing is worse than showing up to a must-win game against a putrid opponent and laying an egg.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–This was an impossible choice. The Browns? Putrid. The Panthers? Fetid. The Saints? Rotten. The Cowboys? Insulting. The Texans? Vile. The Titans? Repulsive. The Patriots? Abhorrent. The Jets? Sickening. The Steelers? Vomitous. A charcuterie board of shit. A Charpooperie board, if you will.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – USER SUBMISSION WEEK! This is your chance to shine. As like last year, I will pick the games, but I ask that YOU come up with the bets. Anything you want, as long as it suits the team winning. I will pick my favorite submission for each game as my bet. This was a ton of fun last year. A reminder: I tend to like simple, bold, and stupid. Do not request some fancy masterpiece with half a roster in it.
BROWNS @ RAVENS
The Ravens may rest some starters, but the Browns aren’t good enough to overcome anything anyway. A woeful end to a woeful team.
If the Browns win,
BENGALS @ STEELERS
The Steelers are in a late season cold-snap and the Bengals are red hot with everything to lose. I gotta pick my boy Burrow.
If the Steelers win,
DOLPHINS @ JETS
Dolphins have to win, Jets cannot win. Brick will soon cut Aaron Rodgers, and he will be right to do so.
If the Jets win,
PANTHERS @ FALCONS
This may be the Panthers big chance to spoiler a rival in a very funny way. But I have to go Falcons.
If the Panthers win,
JAGS @ COLTS
Somehow, the Jaguars enter this game with more dignity. I do not believe the Jaguars can win, but the Colts are a shameful bunch deserving of a loss.
If the Jaguars win,
COMMIES @ COWBOYS
The biggest reason to watch this game is to see if the Boys get embarrassed enough to save or fire Mike McCarthy.
If the Cowboys win,
TEXANS @ TITANS
The Texans have a notoriously awful record after clinching a playoff spot, fun fact. They looked worse than the Titans did this week. The Titans might actually do it. I’m taking the upset.
If the Texans win,
GIANTS @ EAGLES
A lot of people think the Eagles are going to rest their starters. They might, in the second half, after they are up by 30. You dismiss the petty douchebaggery that is Nick Sirianni. You think Barkley doesn’t want that rushing record? You think Sirianni doesn’t want to force-feed him the ball against the Eagles rival to do it? This is going to be a dance-on-your-grave type game by the Eagles, and it will be what gets Joe Schoen fired.
If the Giants win,
BEARS @ PACKERS
The Bears will finish yet another season without a 4000yd QB.
If the Bears win,
SAINTS @ BUCS
Bucs, have the good versions of you show up this time.
If the Saints win,
BILLS @ PATRIOTS
Bills will probably relish every opportunity to punt the Patriots into the dirt for the next decade or more.
If the Patriots win,
CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
You could watch this game, but I don’t know why you would, unless you root for the Chargers.
If the Raiders win,
49ERS @ CARDINALS
Two major NFC West disappointments battle for loser rights. A real Who Cares of a game. 49ers!
If the Cardinals win,
CHIEFS @ BRONCOS
This one is the real intriguing one. The Chiefs have nothing to play for except maybe sending a rival franchise home sad. The Broncos have everything to play for, and are at home. I pick the Broncos, but Chiefs black magic might win anyway.
If the Chiefs win,
SEAHAWKS @ RAMS
The Hawks have no reason to play but pride. Go Rams.
If the Seahawks win,
VIKINGS @ LIONS
I do not trust these Vikings. They may hold a good record, but they keep making games one score wins when they should be blowouts. It feels like a dam cracking at the edges, ready for a seam to fail at the worst moment. Lions win at home.
If the Vikings win,
A TIE
If we get a tie
If the Jets win, Rodgers rides off into the dark park with a truck of ayahuasca, flipping multiple birds at everyone present – Jets AND Fins
Actually, if you know the game Turbo Dismount…
Back in the day, I used to record some Lets Plays with mates over in Sunderland. We did that game a few times, and two of us flipped through some of the poses on the Not VW Campervan while our Player 4 turned up…
https://bit.ly/4gDbIf1
… I think you know where I’m going with this.
If the Jaguars win, draw Sexy Trevor Lawrence sending Anthony Richardson to the Indianapolis Glue Factory.
If the Vikings win, you will draw Sam Darnold smashing a lion over the head with a huge seed with “#1” painted on it.
“I lament that the Giants will now likely miss out on one of the two QBs in the draft”
This isn’t necessarily a good thing, the focus on “top 3 pick for a QB” seems… ill advised.
Outside the recency bias of the last two years, you’ve got one really good early pick still on the team that drafted him* (Burrow). Pretty much everyone else of quality is either a later pick (Allen at 7, Mahomes at 10 for the highest), or an absolute bust before going good (Goff, Darnold and Mayfield).
* Stafford probably counts too, it was clear he was good to great, which leads to my next point.
Making sure the team is ready for the QB, and not leveraging everything, and then taking mid round runners until you get one seems a better strategy than just thinking “Number one pick solves everything!”.
Are the Giants ready for an elite QB? Or is he gonna end up like Caleb or Bryce (or Darnold for a more established one), and just get the everloving piss knocked out of him every game?
10000% agree on making sure the team is ready for the QB, one of the reasons I really want Schoen and (D)Abel to get fired. If retained, they are going to be DESPERATE for a QB above all else, when the rest of the roster is absolute garbage. And that new QB will have a disaster of a first year, at which point Schoen and (D)Abel will be fired, and we can begin screwing up a rookie QB all over again, just like we did with Daniel Jones.
But if Mara has a brain and brings in a new GM with a new coach, then they have the luxury of saying, “Hey, this roster stinks, the QBs this year stink, we’re gonna trade down for a haul and then try to land our guy via reclamation project, lower round gem, or trading up next year when we have the team in a better spot.”
… but it’s the Giants, so that second option ain’t gonna happen. WHOOOOOO.
If the Chiefs win draw Patrick Machamp suplexing Bonix.
or wenz if he starts but i don’t know what pokemon he’d be
I gotta defend Kenny “two gloves” Pickett here, that’s not a pump fake. That’s the edge rusher hitting his throwing arm while attempting a throw, and then just barely failing to hold onto it because his hands are tiny. You can kind of see it here, and then the camera cuts to an angle where it’s hard to see the arm get hit. https://x.com/NFL_DovKleiman/status/1873443595166097443
It’s still hilarious.
If Jags win Sexy Lawrence stealing Irsay stash
Bengals fan here, but if the Steelers win: Mike Tomlin holding two ice cream cones wearing a “big bro” shirt and Zac Taylor crying with no ice cream cone, wearing a “lil bro” shirt. And idk, Burrow drinking himself to death in the background.
If the Browns win, Watson celebrating in a maximum security cell
If the Steelers win, Tiny Russ as the old school Steelers logo (https://www.sportslogos.net/logos/view/yg3ajf7lt77h2agajh81/Pittsburgh_Steelers/1962/Primary_Logo)
If the Jets win, Aaron Rodgers offering Tua ayahuasca for his concussions
If the Panthers win, Tiny Bryce Young getting paid off by the Bucs
If the Jaguars win, Sexy Trevor as Baby New Year
If the Cowboys win, Fat Mike telling Dan Quinn “who’s your daddy?” (Quinn was DC for the Cowboys)
If the Texans win, it’s someone from the Titans going “yeah, we are THAT bad”
If the Giants win, draw a Giants subreddit fan screaming at their TV
If the Bears win, draw a pseudo championship banner that says “didn’t lose 10 in a row”
If the Saints win, draw the other Saints QB(s) working on Derek Car, getting him fixed for next year
If the Patriots win, draw Jerod Mayo replacing Buffalo sauce with Mayonaise
If the Raiders win, Brock Bowers appreciation statue for carrying the offense
If the Cardinals win, Kyler Murray playing QB using an Xbox controller saying “I get it now”
If the Chiefs win, Andy Reid celebrating Stone Cold style with Orange Crush
If the Seahawks win, it’s them celebrating while someone on the Rams says “who cares?”
If the Vikings win, GEQBUS inauguration as the #1 seed in the NFC
If there’s a tie, both QBs hungover after New Years
Go Bills, but if the Patriots win, draw Jerod Mayo pouring a large Dunkin iced coffee down Sean McDermott’s back.
If the Panthers beat the Falcons, I will draw “Young” Inigo Montoya stabbing Count (Riley) Patterson and saying “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed Atlanta’s hope. Prepare to die.”
If the Cardinals win, draw Blake Shelton singing a song about how the Cardinals slayed the 49ers. I’d also like to see Josée from Ridonculous Race to be seen in the background crying her eyes out.
If the Vikings win, draw Disventure Camp’s Lynda Anderson wearing an NFC North crown and holding a sceptre that says NFC #1 seed.
If the Steelers win, draw MK pickpocketing the W from a Bengals fan.
If the Seahawks win, draw Macklemore flipping off Disventure Camp villain Riya Sharma.
If the Chiefs win, Carson Wentz (as Pikachu) electrocutes Bonix ala the Pewter City Gym battle in the anime (with the sprinklers raining down on him marked “playoff hopes”). Sean Payton, as Brock, sadly looks on while Walrus Ash celebrates. (Obviously change this as you will; you are the master)
If the Bears win, someone from the Bears defense (Montez Sweat? Or just whoever gets the most sacks) eats Jordan Love, who is made entirely of cheese.
If the Vikings win, the GEQBUS (a bus) runs over a lion to win the race to the first seed.
-If the Bears win, draw Jordan Love panicking as the ownership is crumbling, while Aaron Rodgers does not care.
-If the Chiefs win, draw Clark Hunt, master of the West.
-If the Jets win, draw darkness Aaron Rodgers declaring previous week’s loss a fluke.
-If the Vikings win, draw the GEQBUS claiming the number 1 seed.
-If the Saints win, draw whoever is playing quarterback for the Saints kicking Jameis into a hole, that is, the center of a king cake.
-If the Jags win, draw Trevor Lawrence as a half-jaguar
-If the Seahawks win, draw Geno Smith not writing back.
-If the Patriots win, draw Jerod Mayo giving Sean McDermott a mayo toupée.
-If the Giants win, draw its QB as a “hero,” stabbing cheesesteak Eagles quarterback.
-If the Cards win, draw Brock Purdy’s Mr. Relevanters in shambles.
-If the Raiders win, draw Antonio Pierce leaving Clark County, with a bankrupt Jim Harbaugh in the background.
-If the Steelers win, draw their quarterback dumping molten steel onto Joe Burrow.
-If the Browns win, draw the broken shell of a Browns fan dancing on Art Modell’s grave.
-If the Texans win, draw CJ Stroud, not sure whether the Titans really exist.
-If the Cowboys win, draw America’s Coach Mike McCarthy wrangling Commie Dan Quinn (they are both now heading into the void).
-If the Panthers win, draw Bryce Young as a virus infecting Michael Penix Jr.
-If there is a tie, draw both quarterbacks headlocking each other.
Correction for Saints–Bucs: NOT Jameis (Browns), Baker Mayfield gets kicked into the center of the King Cake.
If the Chiefs win, Emperor Mahomes watches on as Darth Wentz battles Jedi Nix.
If the Cards win, Kyler playing Call of Duty on a big pile of money, while a sad Purdy sits with a broken controller (I’m trying to work in his upcoming contract and how losing here would affect it, idk)
If the Seahawks win, draw Geno triumphantly deadlifting a weight over his head, only to discover he is standing on a weight being deadlifted by a beaming Stafford that reads “2024 SCHEDULE”.
If the Patriots win, can you do the Spider Man meme of Peter screaming “nooo” as Mary Jane fades away, only with Travis Hunter/the first overall pick fading away?
If the Chiefs win, draw Kermit Mahomes (or the Walrus) catching Bonix in a dark magic pokeball
If the Jags win, draw sexy Trevor as a nurse at Flacco’s retirement home
If the Panthers win, draw tiny Bryce planting a flag at the top of Mt. Dumpy (ik Kirk is benched but he makes for a better drawing than Penix)
Jets win: Draw Aaron Rodgers riding off into the sunset, towards Minnesota, with an angry Devante Adams being left behind
Cowboys win: Draw Cooper Rush pushing Jaden Daniels over the Kliff Cliff
Cardinals win: draw Kyler Murray playing Black Ops zombies, but the zombies are the players from the 9ers injured reserve
Tie: Both QBs sharing a disturbingly realistic french kiss
If the Texans win, draw Toro banishing the Oilers into the place called Nashville, where they will always be stuck in mediocrity and never hurt Houston Sports fans ever again.
Honest question: is getting eliminated by giving up 40+ to *that* Giants team worse than getting eliminated by losing a game where the opposing team’s fan base attended it while dressed as clowns? Ballard’s dismissal should have already been announced. You can’t be allowed to have more chances after both of those.
If the Steelers win, draw Joe Burrow finally collapsing after single-handedly holding up the Bengals as Atlas from Greek Mythology wearing a Steelers shirt goes “Amateur!”
I still stand by my comment from yesterday. Vikings and Lions should be the best game of the year.
King of the North on a throne of footballs over the corpse of the loser.
As for the Panthers game… If the panthers win…. make a flaccid penix joke. Embrace your inner 13 year old.
The thing about tanking is, reasonable fans understand that true tanking comes from a front office. They gut the team, selling off players for draft picks, and do their best to put the worst product on the field they can. The coaches and players NEVER want to tank because as you said, their necks are on the line. It doesn’t benefit them at all.
I think you can be upset as a fan of a tanking team that the team won while also recognizing that it’s not really the team’s “fault” per se. The players did their job, as did the coaches, and it’s feasible to both recognize that while also calling it like it is that this does potentially hurt their chances of getting a better draft pick. You don’t have to assign blame to something or someone to be upset at a situation.
If the Steelers win, Mike Tomlin watches through the window like a sicko as Joe Burrow feeds Zac Taylor to a bengal tiger
If the Jaguars win, sexy Trevor on IR snorting all of Jim Irsay’s pain meds
If the Cowboys win, Jerry hearing someone telling him he’s doing a great job but it’s Mike McCarthy behind a wall
If the Giants win AND Saquon doesn’t get the rushing record, have Eric Dickerson pay Nick Sirianni as a mafia goobma his bribe
If the Saints win, have Skyrizi be Thanos winning but at what cost? (Falcons make the playoffs)
If the Bears win, Caleb kicks Matt LaFleur out of the salon
If the Chiefs win, Patrick Mahomes as Politoed using surf to crush Bonix
If the Vikings win, a Gladiator style naval battle in the Colosseum with a Lion drowning
If the Vikings Win, the GEQBUS throwing a lion off a winner’s podium with 4 spots instead of 3, 1 for each of the division winners.
If the Raiders win, Antonio Pierce riding Justin Horsebert off into the sunset.
Eagles Fan here:
If Giants Win can we get Daboll and/or Schoen backward hurtling over other Gm/coaches to go further back in the draft order while exclaiming “fuck your tank”
If the Texans win, CJ Stroud topples an oil rig spouting mayo.
If the browns win draw Mike Tomlin with the division title saying, “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME NOT HIM!” While lamar chokes on a pile of shit.
If the Steelers win draw pretending to be happy about not choking this game while sweating intensely.
If the Jags win, have Sexy Trevor putting a dunce cap on Blue (Colts mascot).
If the Vikings win, draw GEQBUS slaying a Lion in the Colosseum.
May I recommend
If the Vikings Win, draw KOC as the Fairy God Mother turning Pumpkin Sam Darnold into a beautiful chariot that drives the Vikings into the #1 seed
If the Vikings win, draw KoC biting off Dan Campbell’s kneecap. That kneecap is the #1 seed.
As a Chargers fan, I’m planning on watching the game only if the Bengals win the day before. Really hope we get the #5 seed.
If the Vikings win, its Sam Darnold saying “Yeah, I see ghosts.” and its just Dan Campbell and the Lions.
If the Steelers win, Russ tripping Joe Burrow into a George Pickett fence and impaling him
If the Jets win, Brick lowering Tua’s madden rating
If the Panthers win, Adam Thielen saying “this is for you” and stabbing Penix in front of Kirk Cousins
If the Jaguars win, the Jaguar mascot drags a dead Blue to the top of Lucas Oil stadium to feed
If the Giants win, Drew Horse Cock Lock unfurls to be bigger than Big Dick Nick
If the Saints win, Spencer Rattler takes Jafar’s cobra genie form and surrounds Baker with hellfire
If the Patriots win, Jerod Mayo replaces Lake Erie with mayo
If the Cardinals win, Kyler Birdy pecks out Brock Purdy’s eyes
If the Chiefs win, Andy Walrus KOing Bonix with Water Gun
If the Vikings win, GEQBUS announcing the Vikings as the #1 seed for his cabinet
I thought I could be the first person in to suggest a sexy Trevor Lawrence comic of some sort, but no, there were other readers with the same fetish and who were quicker on the submit button.
I only ask that whatever you do features an homage to the end credit scene of the first Deadpool movie with the unicorn. Rainbows, fireworks, dollar bills.
If the Vikings win, draw a triumphant GEQBUS over Goff in the manner of the Jon Daly/Tiger Woods meme.
I see Dave didn’t update the Fraud Meter
Also, if the Panthers win, draw David Tepper throwing a drink on Arthur Blank
If the Chiefs win, Carson Wentz in his hunting gear w/ a Bronco strapped to the hood of his truck.
If the Seahawks win, sad Geno on a beach says, “But I’m a winner,” as a shrugging Jimmy G sails off to the playoffs.
If the Browns win, Jameis Winston is in the ‘bronze medal meme’ but eating a W
-If the Browns win, Watson, Winston and other offenders celebrate in the “offenders’ alley” behind the Injured Reserve Bar.
-If the Steelers win, George Pickens being awarded the mantle of “team problem child” from Antonio Brown as Tomlin “sees no evil.”
-If the Jets win, Aaron Rodgers absorbing the life force of a concussed Tua to return for another season.
-If the Panthers win, tiny Bryce Young makes Baker Mayfield walk the plank.
-If the Jaguars win, Sexy Trevor wins Play (mate) Maker of the year.
-If the Cowboys win, giant blue falling star crushes hammer and sickle.
-If the Texans win, CJ Stroud escapes the regular season into the playoffs ala “The Great Escape.”
-If the Giants win, draw Dave making a new batch of bandwagon Kool-Aid with extra bleach.
-If the Bears win, draw Caleb Williams eating pasta out of a melted cheese wheel with Jordan Love’s face on the side.
-If the Saints win, draw a beat up Derek Car winning the 24 Hours of Lemons.
-If the Patriots win, draw Patriot Pat breaking a table across a Buffalo’s back.
-If the Raiders win, draw a Chargers battery being drained to bring life to the Roomba Stadium.
-If the Cardinals win, tiny Kyler Murray taking playing advice from Madden 25
-If the Chiefs win, Kermit Mahomes feeds a dead horse to an ever hungry Andy Reid
-If the Seahawks win, draw the 12th man dancing in the winning rain while a Ram stands sullenly under a playoff umbrella.
-If the Vikings win, GEQBUS wearing a lion pelt ala James Earl Jones in Coming to America
-If there’s a tie, both QB’s passed out faces being drawn on with Sharpie markers
If the Vikings win, draw Hey Darnold throwing a touchdown to Jefferson over Dan Campbell with one ass cheek and 3 toes.
If the Seahawks win, draw Mike Macdonald (smokeshow) flexing his 10 win first season to Pete Carroll (who finished his first season 7-9)
If the Vikings win, Darnold is named Viking King over a vanquished lion.
I like Robert Eggers’ art but cannot pay money to watch the Nosferatu remake. If Werner Herzog can’t improve upon FW Murnau’s original than no one can.
If the Patriots win, have them doing the bronze medal meme: https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/033/666/Bronze_Medal_Meme_Banner.jpg
If the jags win draw sexy Trevor playing hoseshoes.
If the panthers win draw Bryce young as the new years baby
If the giants win draw the Statue of Liberty strangling an eagle
If the Vikings win draw hey Arnold Viking sailing on a longboat using a coonskin sail
If the browns win draw Jami’s Winston getting a massage from Jim harbaugh
If the Steelers win draw Tj watt kicking Joe burrow in the balls
If the cardinals win dray kylar Murray 360 noscoping Matt staffpod
If the Vikings win, draw Kevin O’Connell brushing Dan Campbell’s teeth.
If the Saints win, draw Spencer Rattlesnake constricting Baker Mayfield.
If the Jets win, draw Brick decreasing Tua’s Madden rating.
If there’s a tie, both quarterbacks share a kiss as the clock strikes midnight on January 1st.
If the Steelers win, have Burrow hung up on a door like Kevin at the end of Home Alone, with Russ and Pickens/Fields as Harry and Marv threatening to bite off his fingers.
If the Steelers Win have Russ dragging Burrow away from a playoff spot into a cave labeled eliminated teams
If the Chiefs win, have Joe Burrow reluctantly thanking him (assuming they win and miami loses)
If the Patriots win, draw Drake Maye celebrating as Luke Skywalker with Brady and Bledsoe as force ghosts smiling at him in the background a la RotJ.
If the raiders win, have brock bowers holding a small lightning bolt, while sitting on a destroyed tank
If the Steelers win, draw TJ Watt throwing Joe Burrow out of the Playoff Members only club
If the Cards win, have Kyler Murray give Brock Purdy his Mr. Irrelevant jersey all over again.
If the Chiefs win, have Blucifer on the couch at home taking sad bong rips.
Drawing Suggestions
Edit if needed
CLE-BAL
CLE wins: sun shines over the Factory of Sadness
CIN-PIT
PIT wins: UrinatingTree in his YinzerMobile waving Terrible Towel while Burrow angrily looks at Zac Taylor & defensive coordinator
MIA-NYJ
NYJ wins: Brick Johnson maxes out Aaron Rodgers’ Madden rating
CAR-ATL
CAR wins: Panther spits out Carolina reaper fire at a falcon, burning it
JAX-IND
JAX wins: Sexy Jackson de Ville dancing on burning trash pile
WSH-DAL
DAL wins: Jerry waving an All In flag
HOU-TN
HOU wins: Torro stumbling to the playoffs at AFC-4, ready to face opponent who raises eyebrow
NYG-PHI
NYG wins: Dave choosing what flavored bleach to celebrate with
CHI-GB
CHI wins: Bears raise “Slightly Better Than White Sox” banner
NO-TB
NO wins: Spencer Rattler-snake biting a buccaneer (if they miss the playoffs, it leads to x on eyes)
BUF-NE
NE wins: blown up tank while team that won first overall pick celebrates
LAC-LV
LV wins: Lisa Simpson in Raiders gear saying “meh”
SF-AZ
AZ wins: Kyler Murray besting Brock Purdy at a video game. Purdy slams controller, injures CMC
KC-DEN
KC wins
If it keeps DEN out of the playoffs: Walrus Reid gifting the beneficiary (CIN, MIA) the AFC-7 while Brandon Perna is seen rocking back & worth in a corner saying “worse worse…” to infinity
If DEN gets in (CIN L/T + MIA L/T): Angry dolphin and bengal looking at Walrus Reid. The walrus saying, “Hey we did our part.” Meanwhile happy Perna celebrates while a buffalo preps a table
SEA-LAR
SEA wins: mumble about SOV tiebreaker
MN-DET
MN wins: Sam Darnold as Hercules throwing a lion off a cliff… and into a Wild Card pit where the NFC-4 awaits (LAR or NFC South winner)
TIE GAME
Both teams QBs coming off a nasty hangover, with stuff drawn on them
Exceptions because playoff implications
CLE-BAL: Jackson wearing AFC North Champ hat
CIN-PIT: Burrow is heartbroken because playoffs dumped him. Wilson has purple ink says “Ravens AFC North Champs”
MIA-NYJ: Tua has “ELIMINATED”, Rodgers is unfazed
CAR-ATL: Penix has Buccaneer red ink says “ELIMINATED”
NO-TB: Baker has NFC South Champ drawn on face
DEN-KC: Nix has AFC-7. Dolphin & bengal are angry
MN-DET: Goff wears NFC-1 chain
If the Browns win, draw all the QBs from the Hydra as the cover of Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts–
“Do not request some fancy masterpiece with half a roster in it.”
–nevermind.
If the Seahawks win, draw Leonard Williams as Edward Cullen running through the woods with Geno Smith as Bella on his back, ala the “Hold on tight, Spider Monkey” scene from Twilight.