The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–The fluids have mostly separated in the glass at this stage and bad teams aren’t playing spoiler much. The chaos is sporadic at best. When it hits, it hits hard, but there isn’t much to go around. For the most part, it’s just what we expect. The Giants got obliterated by a Falcons team that somehow controls their own destiny despite everything. The Jaguars and Raiders combined for an unwatchable pile of trash. The Broncos fell apart against the Chargers, who…didn’t Charger? Good for them. Harbaugh has had some influence.

The Titans are the weeping angels from Dr Who. They only score when you aren’t looking. The Colts, specifically Jonathan Taylor, spent the first half pistol-whipping the Titans into a pulp. It was 38-7. At that point even Redzone more or less stopped showing them. Next thing anyone realizes, the damn Titans had reached 30 points and had a chance to do this. As soon as we started to watch the game again, the Titans fall apart and the Colts easily seal it.

The Bills and Patriots had maybe the worst uniform matchup of the season. The problem was not the uniforms themselves, the Bills wore their red alternates and the Patriots wore their white away unis. The problem is these two simply cannot be played together. The Bills red alternates look, upon casual glance, very very close to the Patriots throwbacks. Red jersey, white helmet, white pants. The Patriots white away unis are just like the Bills all white away uniforms. Everytime I checked in on this game, I kept getting confused who was who. We’ve had a lot of shitty uniform matches this year, last week the Packers wore all-white alternates against Seattle, who was wearing GREEN ALTERNATES. This should not be allowed. Have some aesthetic sense, NFL.

The Bengals remind me of the late 2000’s early 2010’s Saints, when Drew Brees would break passing records and they’d still finish 8-8 because the defense was so pathetic. The Bengals are just a souped-up version of this. If the Bengals could win a fucking meaningful game Burrow would be in line for MVP. Instead it’s this.

The Lions faked stumbling and styled on the Bears. Expected. The Dolphins mustered an ugly win versus the officially eliminated 49ers. Expected. The Rams stumbled past the pathetic Jets. The Ravens punched the Steelers in the gut. The Vikings mustered a comeback over the Seahawks in Seattle. Sam Darnold got a facemask call! Good for him.

The Cardinals finished their freefall as the Panthers came back to life. It’s really remarkable how benching his ass did wonders for Bryce. He’s going to get at least one more year to prove it. THen Sunday Night ended with a delightfully spirited Cowboys squad upsetting the powerhouse Bucs. It boggles my mind that these Bucs do not control their destiny for the South.

GIANTS COFFIN
–THE RAIDERS WON. THE GIANTS NOW OWN SOLE POSSESSION OF THE NUMBER 1 PICK! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO. This might be the worst team I’ve ever watched the Giants field. Half the roster is on IR because why play through any injury for this? Drew Lock is a pile of shit, and that’s the guy Joe Schoen went out there to grab as our high-paid insurance backup? Last year I was against tanking because I wanted progress, I wanted growth, despite the odds. This year makes me want to burn everything down. Nobody in this front office deserves to keep their jobs. I don’t even know who they hire, but I trust nobody here to lead this team out of this hole. The Falcons were fumbling after the past month and just benched Kirk to start a rookie. You can’t even give him any trouble? Anything? I might feel differently if this team was competitive but bad (like the Panthers, or Cowboys, or even the Bears), but this team isn’t even competitive. Two games remain. Next week is the Colts, who are flawed but fighting for a playoff spot. Week 18 is the Eagles, who may or may not be playing for playoff positioning and will rest accordingly. The Giants can, and very likely will, lose both games. Even the Eagles 3rd stringers can beat this squad. Pathetic showing again. I’m so glad I only have to suffer through two more games of this shit.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–HAIL TO THE COMMIES, HAIL VICTORY! FUCK AN EAGLE. FUCK SAQUON BARKLEY! This game ruled. Early on the Eagles looked set up to crush the Commanders. Barkley had over 100 yards in the first half. The Commies could not stop giving the ball to the Eagles. But Jalen Hurts went out of the game with a concussion and the Eagles were forced to start Kenny Pickett. The Commies could now afford to stack the box and stifle Barkley and force Kenny Pickett to beat them through the air. Kenny wasn’t a pile of trash, but he isn’t Jalen Hurts. It wasn’t enough. The Commies wormed their way back into the game despite 5 fucking turnovers and pulled ahead in the final seconds to ice it. It was, quite honestly, glorious. If I have to watch a division rival dominate I’m glad it’s Washington. The Commies have an outside chance to take the division and by god, I am rooting for it so hard.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–What the fuck was this at the end of the Cowboys/Bucs game?
–Tony Romo, what the absolute fuck is wrong with you, man?
–Derrick Henry has his patented Fuck You 4th quarter run for 40 yards. Lamar then throws a pick in the redzone. Then almost immediately in return, Russ throws a pick-6. Any hope the Steelers had to win that game was in that pick. Great sequence!
–FAIR CATCH FREE KICK! In an extremely rare event, the Broncos chose to punt on the last play of the half, and subsequently interfered with the Chargers return man. Since the half cannot end on a penalty, the Chargers were given the choice to take a free kick! They did, and made the long field goal. This nonsense is definitely the turning point in the game and the Chargers would win. FAIR CATCH FREE KICK!

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The aforementioned Russ pick-6

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–The aforementioned Lamar pick right after the Derrick Henry run, which at the time seemed like the Ravens blowing a chance to seal the game. Which is why I cackled 30 seconds later.
-No player this year has generated more Oofs from me than Geno Smith. Even in games the Seahawks have won, it feels like he throws an awful late 4th quarter pick to stymie the Seahawks when it matters. It’s not always his fault, but the level of backbreaking oof that it generates is off the charts. Biggest oof per capita of any player. High Oof per-game rating. Not what you want. This most recent oof was when the Seahawks had about 50 seconds to go 50 yards for a chance to tie it up and a miscommunication with DK resulted in a game-sealing oof.

CHIEFS “HOW DO THEY KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS” OF THE WEEK
–The Texans appeared to score the game-tying touchdown in the 3rd quarter with a beautiful pass to Tank Dell. Unfortunately, Tank would horrifically destroy his knee in the process, get immediately sent to the hospital, and the probably rattled Texans kicker would shank the extra point. The Texans understandably had no mojo after that. It is very rare to see a team lose because they scored a touchdown. These Chiefs are the dark arts.

CHAOS WATCH
–Unless I’m mistaken, the Commies can win out and take the division if the Eagles also lose out. Not likely, but interesting. If this is an actual potential outcome in week 18, I’m rooting so hard for the Giants to win.
–The Broncos are a weird team and I’m here for it. They can’t seal the deal.
–Things are potentially shaping up for a winner takes all NFCN showdown in week 18. I’m pumped.

FRAUD WATCH
–Depending on how long Jalen is out, the Eagles were frankly exposed as very one-dimensional without him. They are still a good team, but the cracks are showing.
-The Bills should not have looked so suspicious versus the hapless Patriots. Football Moose also seems to be dealing with some hand injuries. Bad juju.
–After two rough losses to two good teams, the Steelers might not be as good as we thought they were. They scream divisional round exit to me.
–The Bucs. How. How are you like this. You blow up the Chargers and then shit the bed in Dallas? The only team that shits the bed in Dallas is supposed to be Dallas!

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–See what I wrote just above for the Bucs? Read it again.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–I had a choice Monday night. Watch Packers/Saints, or play online video games with some family members. I took the gamble that there would be no reason to worry about the Saints winning. I checked in well after the game ended only to see that the final score was 34-0. So the Saints are officially the first unwatchable team this year that I straight-up didn’t watch in the first place.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – Christmas week!

CHIEFS @ STEELERS
I mean, I sure would like the Chiefs to lose, but I’m not picking fights with whatever dark ancient god they’ve made a pact with.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Russ as baby Jesus in the manger

RAVENS @ TEXANS
Texans were not going to win this, but after what happened to Tank Dell, they ESPECIALLY aren’t going to win this.
If the Texans win, I will draw

SEAHAWKS @ BEARS
Geno, have yourself a bounceback game that gives Seahawks fans hope they don’t deserve to have.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams as the abominable snowman from Rudolph

CHARGERS @ PATRIOTS
Chargers, fuck em up. Just fuck em up.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye as the toy from Jingle all the Way

BRONCOS @ BENGALS
I want to pick the Bengals so bad but this is the stupid shit they lose.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Jack Frosted Tips

CARDINALS @ RAMS
Watch the Cardinals suddenly play spoiler now that they flopped out of the playoff race. Still, Rams.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler riding a Reindeer like a Dune Worm

PANTHERS @ BUCS
Bucs if you drop this game to I will feel so foolish for having so much misplaced belief in you this season. Don’t do this to me.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce as tiny tim

JETS @ BILLS
Bills, send Rodgers to the shadow realm. Give America the present it wants.
If the Jets win, I will draw Rodgers excited about his gift of essential oils

COLTS @ GIANTS
Colts don’t blow this. Giants at least try not to embarass yourselves too badly.
If the Giants win, I will draw a kid telling Santa Daboll he liked him when he was fatter

PACKERS @ VIKINGS
A tough matchup! I’ll go home team, but boy this might be game of the weekend.
If the Packers win, I will draw the Jordan Love Train as the Polar Express

RAIDERS @ SAINTS
Is anyone going to watch this game? Don’t.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Aiden O’Connell as bad santa

TITANS @ JAGS
I’m picking the Tits. I’m also rooting for the Tits. That helps the Giants more.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw sexy santa Trevor Lawrence on crutches

DOLPHINS @ BROWNS
Here we have a conundrum. The Dolphins cannot play in cold weather. The Browns are a pile of shit. Who wins?!?!?!
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie as the Elf on the Shelf

COWBOYS @ EAGLES
Cowboys. This is one of the few times I will root for you, because it would be funnier if you win.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Cooper Rush as Elf

FALCONS @ COMMIES
Commies. The Falcons control their own destiny. Fix this rift in timespace.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penix Jr throwing out his old Christmas tree. The tree is Kirk Cousins.

LIONS @ 49ERS
Fuck dem 49ers.
If the 49ers win, I will draw a nutcracker Deebo cracking Dan Campbell’s mighty nuts

A TIE
If we get a tie, both QBs as the sexy lamp from A Christmas Story

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Do not expect a comic this week. It’s a holiday week, I’m off work, and I want to spend it with my wife. I probably won’t even watch the Christmas games.