The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Things are settling in to some degree now, as they usually do by mid-November. We know who the good teams are (Eagles, Chiefs, 49ers, Lions). We know which teams are mostly good but flirting with fraud status or not trustworthy quite yet (Dolphins, Browns, Jags, Texans, Cowboys, Seahawks, Ravens, Steelers), we know which teams are screwed on a wasted season due to injury (Bengals, Vikings, Jets), which teams have mostly disappointed (Bills, Chargers), and which teams are going to be competing for positions in the top 10 draft picks (Giants, Commies, Bears, Titans, Packers, Rams, Patriots, the entirety of the NFC South besides whichever slop wins it). From here out the chaos comes from one of the top teams getting caught in a trap game or sudden major injury, or one of the bottom teams having life all of a sudden. Those teams that I’ve got my eye on right now are the Broncos, Cardinals, and Raiders.

So this past week wasn’t too wild. Our main surprise this week was the Bengals season officially ending with Joe Burrow’s ligament integrity, which rendered the only good Thursday night matchup into the usual TNF slog. The Vikings gave us the usual nonsense, but Josh Dobbs is a backup option for a reason, he’s not actually that good. He’s just very entertaining. The Raiders did their best but could not overcome the Dolphins. The Bears gave us some fun though, putting up maybe their best performance of the year in a game they would ultimately give away in the final minutes to ensure that Eberflus ain’t keeping that job. Jared Goof came back for at least 3 quarters and I missed him. Jared Goof is very funny. The Bills regained some composure after the midseason panic and beat the Jets up as every week we can continue to play the game of “How many wins would the Jets have if they had played literally anybody but Zach Wilson”. Turns out, even Tommy Devito might have given them more, but as always the Giants get their own section later. The Texans stock continues to climb, the Jaguars took a shit on the Titans, and the 49ers are back. Also, the Chargers. Fucking Chargers, man. I wonder if the reason the Chargers have always had a small amount of fans is because rooting for this team is bad for you. I don’t know how you can keep suffering like this game after game, season after season, decade after decade. Gut punch after gut punch. Staley had a mini-meltdown in his press conference and you can tell he’s on the edge and probably knows the pendulum swings ever closer to his neck. I’ve started to see a lot of Justin Herbert slander in the uncivilized circles of the internet and it just makes me sad. The poor boy is trying his best but you cannot overcome the will of the gods.

GIANTS CORNER
AYYYY IN DIS HOUSE TOMMY DEVITO IS A HERO. A MAN AMONGST MEN. GABAGOOL. I’m happy the hometown kid got a win and had a genuinely good game. I think for the position he’s been put in he deserved at least one moment of triumph. 3 TDs and the most Jersey man in the entire NFL got to make the Italian hand gesture after a score. God I wish he was actually good because I would have a field day with that. Why can’t we have Jersey Shore Brock Purdy? I don’t ask for much in this world but getting to make Italian jokes every week would make me extremely happy.

I don’t what it is about Washington, but the Giants remain their kryptonite. No matter how bad we get, even if the Commies are a better team, we get to roll them at least once every year. It feels nice to know I can always look forward to a shit game between these two goofballs that the Giants will likely come out on top of. We had a chaos game go in our favor for once! 6 turnovers! To zero! The Commies could not protect the ball at all and the game was sealed on a delightful Sam Howell underthrow dumpoff that Cardinals cast-off Isaiah Simmons took to the house. I cackled. I made Italian gestures. I kept saying gabagool all night and it delighted my wife because football finally put me in a good mood. Despite being an eternal pessimist, I will never root for a tank. I always want the Giants to win. Especially this year, I think giving us some struggle wins will help keep the locker room together. We aren’t on the edge of a teardown rebuild like the Bears or Pats. There are a lot of QB choices in the draft this year and there’s nothing saying we can’t trade up anyway. If the boys can stay competitive and still get a high pick, I’ll consider that a season saved. When you start rooting against your own team just for the chances at the future that may not even pan out, what are you even rooting for anymore?

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
The Browns. There may have been more individual chaotic bits this week but consider this a well-earned nod after the streak of last-second field goal wins was extended again. It is tragic that this Browns team is wasted on DeShaun Watson. The Browns defense is outstanding and Myles Garrett probably deserves Defensive player of the year. And yet, sitting over all of it, is this fucking albatross of shame and money. Think about how likable this team would be without him there, and how much better off the team would be without him there. As it stands, he’s not playing anywhere near the level of his cost, he’s missed most of his first two seasons now, and his cap hit is so immense that the team can’t afford to fix other problems and will soon have to make hard decisions on who to let go. The Browns got their true competitive window and they are going to lose it because they spent all that money on a sex pest.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
-So uh, I fully expect Goodell to hire snipers after some chucklefuck flew drones into M&T Bank stadium during the Ravens game and delayed the match at least twice.
-The Titans were a waste of space this week except for one moment of pure bliss. FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN! 305lb Jeffery Simmons with the catch of his life. We here at The Draw Play stan a fat guy With Football Moment.
-The Lions winning in dramatic fashion. After a wild comeback, Aidan Hutchinson punched the ball out of Fields hands and off it went into the endzone for a safety. Hell yeah. Safeties are naturally high chaos.

CHAOS WATCH
The…Broncos? No team had a more embarassing start to the year or a more embarassing loss than that Dolphins nightmare. But after being written off by pretty much everyone the Broncos have quietly put themselves together. The team is still light years from actually being good, but this is a really solid example of what good coaching can do. The team has not given up. They’re fighting. They are keeping shit together. The defense, under Vance Joseph, has actually come around to functional. This team is not actually out of the playoff picture anymore. I expect this team to play spoiler from here.

FRAUD WATCH
Nobody really frauded out this week. I guess the Dolphins didn’t blow up the Raiders like maybe they should have but I think the Raiders are simply more functional now. The Bills staved off frauding for the moment, and the Lions came close but pulled it together like good teams do. The Seahawks maybe?

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Hard not to be disappointed in the Chargers. Losing a nail-biter to the Lions in very Chargers fashion is one thing. Losing to the Packers in very Chargers fashion is another.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
At this point it is hard to find a week where the Panthers are watchable

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – ITS THANKSGIVING WEEK. Fall vibes, delicious sides

PACKERS @ LIONS
It’s still so strange to me to just comfortably pick the Lions in this matchup. 2023 is wild, man.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love frying Jared Goof the turkey

COMMIES @ COWBOYS
Mostly just waiting for Ron Rivera to get fired at this point. After losing to the Giants in a 6 turnover embarrassment they now get a chance to get spanked by rival Dallas. Ron is a good bet to not last the season.
If the Commies win, I will draw Dak Prescott encased in wobbly cranberry sauce

49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
For a bit there it looked like we might have a good fight for the division between these two. But the 49ers are back to full strength and Geno is injured. It’s Joever.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw DK Metcalf carving up turkey Brock

DOLPHINS @ JETS
This is actually a pretty interesting matchup. The Dolphins are pretty underwhelming against good teams. The Jets ARE a good team, just operated by arguably the worst starter in the league, who finally got benched! For Tim Boyle. With the Dolphins offense likely to be hampered I’m interested to see what happens.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson looking at a beautiful thanksgiving meal from outside the window, in the rain

BUCS @ COLTS
We are reaching that part of the year where there are games that nobody is going to watch unless you are a fan of one of the teams. This is one of those. I guess Bucs?
If the Colts win, I will draw Gardner Minshew riding a wild turkey like a cowboy

PATRIOTS @ GIANTS
This is amazing. This game will likely decide who gets the second-best QB prospect, which at this point could be even more interesting as Caleb has tapered off as of late. It would probably be in the best interest of the Giants to lose this, evening the record with New England and earning the “we’re more shit” tiebreaker. Yet after the Washington game…I feel…oddly confident? Can’t pick them though, against my very nature to do so, and I will not pass up a chance to draw Tommy Touchdowns Devito again.
If the Giants win, I’ll draw Tommy Touchdowns Devito with a big Thanksgiving lasagna

STEELERS @ BENGALS
This game might have been fun if Burrow was healthy but now we get to watch two impotent offenses instead. Also, god Kenny Pickett was horrible against the Browns. Like, genuinely horrible. You can’t even blame Matt Canada for how bad some of these throws are. The Steelers need to fire Canada if they want to save Pickett, but it might be too late. He never should have been drafted in the first round to begin with.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Ja’Marr Chase mashing some potatoes all sexy-like

PANTHERS @ TITANS
Did anyone else watch that Netflix sci-fi show from a few years ago, Altered Carbon? First season was pretty good, and then the second season came out and was just an utter disappointment. I’d rather rewatch that than this game. Titans I guess.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young swimming in a gravy boat

JAGUARS @ TEXANS
Jaguars are a tepid and unconvincing 7-3. Texans are an upstart 6-4. This is a fight for divisional control and I am drinking the Texans kool-aid.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence in an apron and nothing else

SAINTS @ FALCONS
Maybe the most hated rivals in the NFL! We are back to the 80’s era when they both sucked ass and made the rest of us just feel sad. Saints are a little better.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Desmond Ridder spreading a butter W on his perfectly browned roll

RAMS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals are a functional team with Kyler back there. They are going to win at least a couple games before this year is out. Will this be one of them? Could be! Rams are disappointing. I’m gonna do it, I’m picking the upset.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay munching a turkey leg on the beach

BROWNS @ BRONCOS
Two teams on an improbable winning streak finally meet. I’m going Browns because I don’t think the Broncos have the juice yet. Browns got the juice.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ Cooking some Brownies

BILLS @ EAGLES
Eagles gonna throw card tables at Santa
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen having a nice slice of eagle pie

CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
Chiefs. Not much to say here, simply a great team beating up a mediocre one.
If the Raiders win I will draw QB Farva (Aidan O’Connell) doing the local turkey trot dressed as a turkey

RAVENS @ CHARGERS
Ravens have had a lot of untrustworthy moments this season but the entire existence of the Chargers is based on not being able to trust them to be competent when it matters.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert passing the potatoes to Keenan Allen

BEARS @ VIKINGS
Now that Fields is back the Bears have more of a chance than you might think. Fields was my pick for most chaotic player last year, and now he’s going up against the easy frontrunner for this year’s most chaotic player. I keep feeling Bears but I’ll play it safe and see if it bites me in the ass. If the Bears win, remember this post and laugh at me.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as grandpa, asleep in his big comfy chair, snoring away

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs as those hand-traced turkeys you drew in gradeschool