CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK CHAOS REPORT: Not You Two Again
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Man this is the one exact matchup I wanted the least out of every possible option. But putting aside my personal rooting preferences…this was a pretty good week of football chaos! The Ravens offense put on a wild show of failure on the biggest stage yet. The Chiefs defense and Spags just completely shut the Ravens down. They barely ran the ball and they couldn’t get anything going in the passing game. Felt like they were outclassed on all levels. But the Chiefs still can’t score and the Ravens defense came to play so the game was never out of hand. The Ravens would bungle 2 golden opportunities to tie the game up and score, first on Zay Flowers nightmare fumble and then with Lamar’s nightmare INT. If both of those drives that reached deep Chiefs territory turn into points, we could have had a close game, a tie game, or even a Ravens lead! Ooof, man.
And yet, maybe pick your poison. Would you rather lay a fat egg all game after so much anticipation or take the lead and be in control before choking it away? The Ravens did the former and the Lions did the latter. It genuinely felt, for at least 2 quarters, like we were about to live in a world where the Detroit Lions were in the Super Bowl. Then it just…slipped away. The amazing team we saw dominate the first half couldn’t execute. The 49ers finally started to do exactly that. The moment was too big for Detroit. Teams with bright futures always like to say “we’ll be back”. The harsh reality is they very well may not be. This may be the farthest Detroit gets for another 30 years. We don’t know. We should praise them for what they accomplished this year and be hopeful for them, but this game is going to sting for a long time if they never break through.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Live by Dan Campbell, die by Dan Campbell. I still love his audacity and a lot of the failures they had in the second half were more of an execution problem than a philosophy problem. A guy couldn’t hold on, etc. But that said, sometimes it’s not bad to take the points. He did it before halftime but then later with the Lions trailing by a field goal and well within range with time winding down, they instead went for it, failed, and the 49ers marched down the field to score a TD, putting themselves up by 10 and effectively ending the game. It’s okay to take the points, Dan. Being tied at 27 with some time left is not a bad place to be. Would this move have been praised if it worked and they scored? Yeah probably. That’s the tradeoff. But it felt like a questionable choice at the time and it bit them hard when it flopped. Love him or hate him, Dan Campbell brings the Chaos, and I love him for that.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Lots of great moments! Lamar’s TD throw was wild and exactly the kind of play that makes him special.
-Lamar caught his own batted pass! Then ran for a first down! How do you not love this guy?
-Lamar also threw a terrible pick into triple coverage late in the game and probably sealed it with the pick. If Lamar puts the ball near the back of the endzone there is a small chance it works out, but the ball never should have been thrown. Terrible time to have your worst game of the year.
–Brandon Aiyuk’s miracle catch to start the 49ers rally is amazing. It looks to be picked or deflected and then he catches it in midair after the bounce. Spectacular.
–Zay Flowers with maybe the worst single drive of the weekend. Catches an incredible deep ball and then immediately taunts the defender. Fumbles the ball trying to reach the endzone. Slices his hand open on the sideline while venting his frustration. Took the Ravens’ best chance of getting back into the game and singlehandedly ruined it. This game will haunt him for a long time.
CHAOS WATCH
-It’s funny, but there are things to very much not trust about both squads. The 49ers spent both the Packers and Lions game looking like butt for a good chunk of the runtime, existing by virtue of the other team making just enough mistakes to keep them in it. It is hard to win consistently like that. The Chiefs keep defying expectations but they still can’t put up many points. They did nothing on offense but punt the entire second half. This almost feels like we are heading for a game where the Chiefs go up early and the 49ers come back to win it, like a reverse 2019 SB.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Ravens were the best team in football until all of a sudden they were huge, hairy ass.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Lions man, you had it! You had it in your arms and you let it slip through. Heartbreaking.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Ravens offense was so thoroughly outcoached and outplayed. The one touchdown they had was a broken play where Lamar did cool Lamar stuff. They looked awful the whole rest of the game.
————————————————————
Here we are. One final game.
CHIEFS vs 49ERS
So now we have the one matchup I didn’t want out of all possible matchups. I don’t even know if I am rooting for either team in this game but more against both teams in some way, thinking about who would be happy at the end and who I would find more annoying. Do I really want the Chiefs fans, already well above the threshold of whiney and insufferable, to get even more privileged? Does Mahomes really need another ring? Do I want Toney to get another ring on a team he actively spent the season sabotaging? Do I really want to see even more Kelce and Mahomes in every commercial? Do I really want to listen to them croon around how “everyone counted us out” as the most successful franchise of the last 5 years wins again? Fuck.
On the other side, do I really want to listen to the Purdy Posse get even more irritating? Do I really want a blessed franchise with 5 championships to get even richer? Do I have any tolerance for that tech-bro fanbase at all? Don’t I get more enjoyment out of watching Kyle Shanahan choke? I still like Mahomes more than I ever liked Brady and him winning doesn’t fill me with as much dread.
The Taylor Swift thing is part of it too! Do I find all the media attention kind of dumb? Yeah! But it’s gotten so much milder. Do I find the people who still whine about it most loudly to be absolute tools? Even moreso! The Chiefs winning the game would make a very irritating type of person very mad, and that thought brings me joy. But that’s not me rooting for the Chiefs, that’s me rooting for people I don’t like to be annoyed, and having my enjoyment of a game hinge on annoying people I don’t like being unhappy because of something barely related to the game at all is silly.
I guess looking at it, I’m kinda leaning that I prefer the 49ers to win. I know a lot of 49er friends who I would be very happy for. I would also be very happy for George Kittle and Aiyuk and Deebo. At least the 49ers haven’t won a Super Bowl since the mid-90’s. I’d rather see a reverse version of the outcome if I have to watch this Super Bowl matchup again. Annoyed by discourse or not, Mr Irrelevant leading the team to a Super Bowl victory would honestly be pretty cool.
If I have to pick who I think will win, I’m done picking against the Chiefs. They’ve gone on the road and shocked two teams that were supposed to be better than them. The 49ers had to barely hang on to eek out a win against two teams they were supposed to be better than. The Chiefs have the fire in them. When an outstanding offense meets outstanding defense, defense seems like it comes out on top in these playoff scenarios. So I think Chiefs win it.
I hope the game doesn’t suck. Maybe that’s all I really want. Please give us a good game.
I don’t know what my drawing bets will be yet. Feel free to suggest some.
If the chiefs win, draw Taylor swift raising the sbmvp trophy while tech bro purdy watches all of his crypto tank
The Chiefs looked real beatable when the Ravens momentarily would realize they could attack the middle and not go all “fuck it, go deep, someone’s down there”. The 49ers are actually going to run the ball I have to imagine. I’m going San Fran. I still find it hard to believe *that* was the best plan the Ravens had. Fuck it go deep.
Also. If the Niners win, draw a gleeful Brock Purdy drafting Kermit Mahomes with the last pick in the draft.
If the Chiefs win, draw Kermit Mahomes sending Purdy to the back of the line where he belongs
If the Chiefs win: Indiana Jones Walrus takes the Dynasty Crown from a dusty/cobwebbed Patriots sceleton.
If the 49ers win: The same, but a McCaffrey Boulder runs over the Walrus in the attempt.
Lamar and Zay were playing *tilted*, man. They went down and then kept trying too hard to force things to happen. Game could easily go the other way if those two manage to keep their cool.
Alas, the Baltimorons can once more drown their sorrows in their Bohtinis, and we get yet another SB with the team that’s settled nicely into their role as the league’s new obnoxiously successful juggernaut.
And of course the Lions choking the game away was the real tragedy. What a shame that all those tasty Chiefs kneecaps at the Super Bowl will go to waste.
As for suggestions:
If Chiefs win, maybe stack as many Chiefs “characters” as you please on a surfboard hanging ten on a Swiftie Tsunami bound for the bay.
If 9ers win, maybe have a bunch of 9ers players collectively administering the Heimlich on Shanny, successfully, and in so doing, blowing away the Chiefs, 3 pigs style.
If Chiefs win, draw the Walrus, Kermit and the rest of Chiefs attacking Darth Hoodie, the Goat, Mr. Happy Ending and the rest of the Patriots in the style of the Olympian Gods overthrowing the Titans.
If the 49ers win, have Brock Purdy breaking through the door of the 49ers Super Bowl Winners Exclusive Clubhouse with a gold-filled mine cart to an aghast Joe Montana and a proud Steve Young.
That 49ers one is gold (no pun intended), Dave you better use this
I’ve never seen a player so coddled and defended at all levels than Lamar Jackson. It’s okay to say he’s not Mr. Unbeatable MVP. It’s okay to call out his very real deficiencies as a passer. He’s still an electrifying talent. He shouldn’t touch the MVP this year.
It bothers me when we’re in year six of his career and Romo is still fellating him over making a checkdown.
Who would be MVP other than Lamar?
Much as I hate him as a person, it’s Tyreek Hill without question.
Christian Mccaffrey
McCaffrey of the five finalists. Really, it should be Tyreek Hill.
Love it or hate it, Romo’s the color guy. The job is essentially to be the laugh track of the NFL broadcast. He’s naturally going to focus on the big-name players, and he’s usually going to have something nice to say even when a play happens to be relatively ho-hum.
Anyway, Lamar has plenty of haters, so I don’t think him winning the MVP is because of some mass delusion. Nonetheless, I can understand being a little miffed by the fact that it’s essentially the MVQB award. (But that means you *are* saying he’s a QB, no?)
I don’t know if I saw it in the comments here, but someone had the idea of doing what MLB does where you’d have a very specifically QB only award (like the Cy Young for pitchers) that’s separate from MVP (which a QB could still win but usually will not because they’ve got the QB specific award).
In baseball, you can afford to admit the outsize influence of a pitcher relative to the other position players because no one pitcher can play all the innings.
However, in the NFL, if you make a QB-specific award, it’s hard not to see that as an admission that the QB is simply more important than the other positions, full stop. I think we all sort of know this to be true and find it some degree of regrettable, but there’s a can of worms related to vast position-dependent discrepancies in compensation that the NFL probably doesn’t want to open by outright acknowledging the issue.
Lamar is winning MVP because he’s a QB and, despite some push by a few media members, no one in their right mind was actually going to cast a vote for Brock Purdy unless there was literally no other option at the position.
All of the better candidates–Purdy included–either lost a couple of huge games that tanked their stock or just finished the season on a sour note. It’s really funny looking back because Lamar Jackson wasn’t even in consideration for the award until the week of the 49ers game when people saw the records of both teams and were like, “Oh shit, maybe Lamar can be the MVP!” without actually considering why no one was considering him beforehand (spoiler alert; his numbers weren’t that good up until that point). Once he won that game in convincing fashion then turned around and blew the absolute breaks off Miami, it was a done deal.
Lamar is a great player, but he really shouldn’t win MVP. No QB should outside of like, Dak or Purdy if we’re actually picking who was the best QB this season. But that’s what happens when a group of voters all decide that the MVP must be a specific position and refuse to budge even in years where it’s obvious that players in other positions deserve it far more.
Well said. I wish MVP boiled down to “what player can this team not live without” but that would require nuance and critical thinking which is beyond a lot of sports media these days.
The problem with naming an MVP in football is that there are so many moving parts that all affect each other in one way or another that trying to crown any single player as the “most valuable” or “best” is basically impossible. Cross-comparing different positions has always been silly and it’s why I’ve personally felt that there should just be individual awards for the best player at each position–basically the All-Pro 1st and 2nd teams.
That said, if we went by the criteria that you brought up, TJ Watt would be a 3x MVP right now. The fact that he’ll never even make a ballot should tell you everything that’s wrong with the MVP vote.
Of course he would, he can relate to Lamar.
If the 49ers win, draw Tom Brady as Morpheus saying “He is the one” about Brock Purdy (dressed as Neo)
.
So disinterested in this Super Bowl matchup.
It’s like asking me who should have MORE undeserved wealth and power in society; some old school oil baron (49ers) or a nouveau riche tech bro (Chiefs).
Oddly enough it’s the Hunts that were oil barons (after all the Chiefs started off as the Dallas Texans and JR Ewing was partly based on Lamar Hunt), while I’d have assumed (incorrectly) that Jed York was some tech bro (didn’t know he was a DeBartolo, they were Ohio shopping mall owners).
WORST. LIONS. LOSS. EVER.
If the Chiefs win, draw Mahomes in a rocket heading towards planet GOAT saying “I’m coming for you, old man”.
I still think my Niners bet is cool but I thought my Chiefs bet was cool too but then I saw your actually awesome bet
I feel like 99% of the country was hoping for a Lions Super Bowl. Chiefs vs 49ers just feels so vanilla in comparison.
And the NFL is creaming itself over the Taylor Swift exposure.
I really don’t like this matchup. Go Niners, I guess.
If Chiefs win, draw Kermit Mahomes and the Walrus watching K.C. Wolf knocking out Sourdough Sam (or a 49ers player) with a Lombardi Trophy.
If the 49ers win, draw *best 49ers player* and George Kittle drowning Kermit Mahomes and the Walrus in “Kittle Corn.”
Dear god the Lamar haters are going to be insufferable this offseason about how like 5 people deserved MVP before him because he picked the worst possible time to drop his worst game of the season. I really wish he’d step up against big teams and stop giving them ammo.
If the 49ers win, draw Brock Purdy running off with Taylor Swift like Borat with Pamela Anderson.
Purdy wearing the bikini, or the knee length censor bar?
If the 49’s win I think a reference to SB #6 should be made. Maybe in reference to how young Purdy looks?
For the Chiefs maybe have MVS and Toney fumbling the Lombardi but Mahomes and the defense is there to save it.
I mean, as a 49ers fan, I’m thrilled, buuuuuut I do get the hate. 😀
The hype whiplash around Purdy’s been legit fascinating to watch, though. Its like we ping-pong back and forth between “Purdy is a trash QB being carried by his supporting weapons” and “Purdy is the Second Coming of Tom Brady”. And while I do think the latter is his potential ceiling, he sure as fuck ain’t there yet. He’s inconsistent but pretty good a lot of the time, and when he’s locked in, you can see where the hype comes from.
But he has NOT been locked in in the first half of the playoff games. Not at all. Yikes.
For a 49ers win? I think you have to go with Purdy stunned that this all actually happened, because that’s how we all are. And for a Chiefs win, well, everyone in the world miserable while Mahomes gloats >_<.
I know this is a much less exciting take that won’t sell any talk shows, but Purdy is Kirk Cousins if he had a good roster.
Oh it’s so true. Purdy is much more shifty in the pocket, but Kirk throws a better ball. I think everyone’s perceptions of those two QBs would change drastically if they were to shift teams. Biggest difference is, Purdy has room to grow with the best support system any QB has had…maybe ever?
Early 2000s patriots comes to mind as well for top support systems. People don’t remember how mediocre a passing talent Brady was at the beginning, they only remember the superstar product that emerged.
Those Patriots teams were excellent defensively but the offensive talent on those teams is nowhere close to what Purdy is working with now.
Purdy’s supporting cast is comparable to the Chiefs team that Patrick Mahomes stepped into but even then, he has a significantly better RB and an overall better collection of skill players (Mahomes had Tyreek/Kelce but everything outside of that was just okay).
Purdy is in a similar place to Jimmy G when he went to the super bowl: pretty good and a bit overlooked due to other factors but definitely not top 5.
If the 49ers win, draw Mahomes, Walrus and Swelce in chains on Alcatraz, with Purdy and Bosa as prison guards.
If the Chiefs win, draw the Bay Area being swarmed by rampaging Swifties riding on armored war-walruses.
I love seeing people complain about how two teams that have recently been consistently good are able to execute when it matters the most like it’s some kind of major travesty.
I’m a little confused as to the intent of the Chiefs comic here, are you poking fun at the group of people who seem to hate TSwift (for what I’m sure are definitely NOT toxic reasons /s) and how much she’s brought up while simultaneously never being able to shut up about it? Because in that case, I’m all in! Is she shown more than necessary? Maybe? But when we already give up so much air time during every game to the same few dumb commercials, it feels disingenuous at best….covertly misogynist at worst.
Definitely poking fun of the people who are a little “too” mad at the Taylor Swift thing, for exactly the reasons you mention. It was irritating when she first showed up and they cut to her like every play but the broadcasts have turned it down significantly and it’s barely a thing now outside the very vocal complaining by a subset of people who have a significant undercurrent of misogyny and gatekeeping
If the Chiefs win … I don’t think you’re going to top this one, the only thing you might be able to do is put Taylor in the jersey and Travis, Kermit and the Walrus in revealing stage dancer outfits.
If the 49ers win … i’ll suggest Distracted Boyfriend again but with Brock or C-Mac holding the Lombardi as the Hot Girlfriend distracting Taylor from Travis.
Sorry I meant brock or c-Mac as the hot distraction catching Taylor’s eye
As much as I hate it, I’d rather the Chiefs win, because I want Andy Reid to win as much as Belichek, and hopefully even surpass him. Andy may be annoying at times, but I’d rather him be celebrated as the GOAT Coach over Darth Sourpuss Hoodie.
Drawings:
– If Chiefs win, Andy and Kermit are seen in the right-side mirror (“Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”) of the car driven by Hoodie and Brady
– If 49ers, then Brockspector Purdy panning a river for the SB Trophy
I thought I’d be happy the Lions lost and that the danger of them winning a Super Bowl ring before the Vikings had been averted. But I feel the opposite of that. 🙁
Two recent Super Bowl wins vs. last SB win almost 30 years ago. An easy choice for who to root for.
Test. I think my last comment failed to post
Yeah I agree that Reid and Mahomes are not Belichick and Brady.
The reason I hated the Patriots wasn’t because they always won. It was because Belichick and Brady are assholes.
(Mahomes’ brother is an asshole but that’s separate)
Mahomes and Reid are actually fun to listen to in their interviews and don’t treat everyone as if they are beneath them. Both Belichick and Brady ALWAYS acted like they were above talking to the media, despite that literally being spelled out in their contracts that they had to.
You can be tired of the Chiefs always winning and you can definitely hate their name (Chiefs? Let’s rename them next) and you can definitely hate their fans doing that stupid “Native American” thing they do which is definitely disrespectful but I still like the Chiefs BECAUSE of Mahomes and Reid.
How can you not like Big Red/The Walrus?
Oh also, LMAO at the Chiefs being backup dancers. That is just *chef’s kiss*
“… Reid and Mahomes are not Belichick and Brady.”
Counterpoint: Their epic whining over that infamous Toney offside. So far there hasn’t been a repeat of this (hasn’t really been an opportunity for it), but I sure hope it isn’t the first crack in a facade of likability. I don’t want to see Mahomes turn into Mr. Unlimited.
Because neither Brady or Belichick had infamous meltdowns over losing…
What can be said, it took the Patriots one more title to be as annoying the Chiefs have become.
If the Chiefs win, draw The Walrus eating the gold that CMC was panning for
If the 49ers win, draw Kermit Pat on on puppet strings cause you know, muppets and Brock Purdy will be controlling the strings
Look at it this way. Either winner means Tom Brady’s legacy takes a bit of a hit. If Mahomes wins then he edges closer to becoming the greatest of all time in his own right. If Brock Purdy wins he sorta usurps that ‘They overlooked me and drafted me late’ narrative. So don’t look at it like two undeserving teams winning but Tom Brady losing (a little bit).
Packers fan here rooting for the Chiefs solely because they hate the Niners and want their fans to be in pain, misery, and agony forever.
Some ideas for the puppy comics:
– Xolos-kittle
– Talanoa Woof-anga
– Steve Spaniel-o
– Fred Chihua-Warner
– Travis Kel-shiba inu
– Hound-rison Butker
If the 49ers win, draw Brock Purdy’s silicon sawboat cutting through the Arctic. Have the boat cut through Walrus Reid as well.
If the 49ers win with DARNOLD, draw Kyle Shanahan at the GOAT Assembly Plant.
If the Chiefs win, draw Jim Henson shooting prospector Purdy in the wild.
Whoever wins, draw the 49ers as pokemon with Brock as their breeder-leader and the Chiefs as Spongebob characters with Patrick as their star, who fight an epic battle which the eventual superbowl champion wins.
If the Chiefs win, draw Rafael Cruz, Nonce Gaetz, Lady Lindsey and Perjury Traitor Greed in full meltdown watching Taylor crash the halftime show.
If the nines win, draw Deebo stealing a Grammy from Swift and the Lombardi from Mahomes a la Kanye West and saying how the niners had the best dynasty of all time.
As the owner of a huge hairy ass I am offended at being compared to Sunday’s Ravens.
Comic idea: whichever winning team hoisting the trophy while their biggest troublemaker sets Goodell on fire.
If the Niners win draw Brock Purdy avenging jimmy g for the last time they played and if the chiefs win draw San Fran Scisco being invaded by a army of swifties or bonus pick if the niners win draw the niners enter ing the six superbowl club and kicking the bouncer (me) in the balls
If the niners win, draw Deebo Samuel stealing the Lombardi from Mahomes and a Grammy from Swift (a la Kanye West) and mocking them saying that the niners dynasty is the best of all time.
I’ve been reading the old stuff.
Didn’t know you’d been drawing Reid as a walrus since Jan 3 2013
Was Reid-as-walrus a meme back in his Philly days?
Once KC won, I wanted the 49ers to win because I thought they had a better chance of stopping KC than Detroit.
I’m also not sure I think of the 49ers as a tech bro team. Most of the 49ers fans I know grew up in the bay area, while most of the tech people I know in the bay area moved there for work and have their own allegiances.