CARTOON PICKS WEEK 14 – Atlanta Wins The Choke Bowl
Chargers/Falcons lived up to billing! Both teams tried to give that game away at the end, but the Falcons tried harder. I thought the Chargers might do it, especially after that first half clock debacle, but they stuck with it and won a game. A game that did nothing but damage their draft position.
I don’t know how the Chargers are so bad at managing the clock. They might be the worst I’ve ever seen. Andy Reid’s worst moments had nothing on the Chargers. Two years ago the Chargers were playoff contenders and almost stole the #1 seed from the Chiefs. That year a lot of black coaches were fired and it caused some racial discussion about how racist the NFL is, but I thought the biggest instance of racism that year wasn’t all the (honestly bad) coaches that got fired, but that Anthony Lynn, another black coach, didn’t get any real credit as a coach of the year candidate. I thought the Chargers were sneaky incredible that season and Lynn deserved attention for it. I don’t know what has happened since. I don’t know why the Chargers have been such a disaster since then. Lynn could get let go this off-season and I don’t think too many people would have a problem with it.
This was a pretty normal week. We are in the late season, and at this point we kinda know who is good and who isn’t, so games are easier to predict. I will say that there is one more team that has been the bane of my existence this year, and that is the Bears. I can’t go a week without getting at least one of the Vikings, Raiders, or Bears games wrong. Fuck the Bears.
The Titans clobbered the Jaguars to get back on track, the Hawks got a nice bounceback against the Jets, and the entire NFCE except the Giants won. The Eagles looked better with Hurts, the TEAM is probably the best team in the division if Alex stays healthy, and even Dallas has found some stability after being cast into the fire mid-season. The Giants rushed Jones back into a game he should have rested for and Jones still sucks against good teams so the Giants had a vintage early season loss where the defense played great and it didn’t matter because the offense was a struggle bus falling off a bridge.
Did pretty good again, the consequence of things being settled in.
CLOSING IN ON THE END!
CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
The Raiders lost my respect when they almost blew it to the Jets and there’s nothing more Gruden then falling apart late in the season after having a chance. However, this is the Chargers.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Zeus
BILLS @ BRONCOS
The Bills are going to the playoffs, they are gonna win the division, man what a time to be alive.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Drew “pop and” Lock
PANTHERS @ PACKERS
The Packers are a dull team. Another one of those teams that is just plain good but not in a fun way, just a competent way. Patriots-esque. We’ve seen this before, so the Packers are boring to watch. I hope the Panthers can sneak a win but I doubt it, just another dull Packers victory.
If the Panthers win, I will draw a black cat mauling Aaron Rodgers in the face
TEXANS @ COLTS
The Texans couldn’t even beat the damn Bears. THE BEARS! MITCH TRUBISKY! Even the crappy Texans should have been able to do that. Instead Mitch styled on them and Watson got hurt. What a disgrace this year has been for Houston.
If the Texans win, I will draw JJ Watt taking Centaur Philip Rivers out back with a rifle in hand
LIONS @ TITANS
The have genuinely looked like a better team since jettisoning Matty Patty into the sun. I don’t know if they have what it takes to stop the Titans and El Tractorcito though. Also I think Stafford got hurt at the end too.
If the Lions win, I will draw a broken down Tractorcito
BEARS @ VIKINGS
No matter who I pick here, I’ll be wrong, so I’m picking the Bears because I actually like the Vikings and now we can see if I can curse them into success
If the Vikings win, I will draw myself giving my life energy to Kirk Cousins
SEAHAWKS @ TEAM
Alex Smith suffered a minor injury late in the SF game, but if it does affect him at all the TEAM is screwed because Dwayne Haskins is straight trash.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Alex Smith keeping Russ in a jar with a stick and a leaf, like he’s a frog
PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS
The Patriots pretty much got eliminated from the playoffs when the Rams got belated revenge on them Thursday night. Cam just…isn’t it. Stidham isn’t it. This team no has a QB crisis and needs to plan for next year. The Dolphins are probably relishing the chance to deliver the killing blow in Miami, Belichick’s notorious Achilles heel.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Belichick kicking a dolphin
JAGUARS @ RAVENS
I’m not sure if the Ravens are good or not (they haven’t played the Browns yet as I write this) but the Jaguars are arguably openly tanking harder than the Jets are, just hoping they can get lucky enough to squeak out that Lawrence pick.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw them throwing the #1 pick down a well
BUCS @ FALCONS
I’m looking forward to the Bucs inevitably losing in the wildcard round to whatever disaster wins the NFCE. It’s gonna happen, and it’s gonna own.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan sensually dancing
49ERS @ COWBOYS
Honestly the Cowboys might win this one. I still think they’d have easily won the division if they didn’t get sent to QB hell after Dak died. They have found some sort of mild identity lately, they are just stuck too deep in the hole. I’ll take the 49ers just because fuck the Cowboys.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Andy Dalton as the screaming cowboy in the sky meme
EAGLES @ CARDINALS
The Eagles looked like a rough, but competent team with Hurts under center. The Cardinals are kind of a bad matchup though, it feels like to me. I hope the Saints just has a trap game against the Eagles and they aren’t actually good.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts singing REM to Carson Wentz
JETS @ RAMS
Every week the Jets just look hopelessly outmatched.
If the Jets win, I will draw an F-22 raptor blowing up a Ram
CHIEFS @ SAINTS
The Chiefs looked like straight garbage in the first quarter against the Dolphins and then they just did that Chiefs thing where they suddenly go god mode and beat the fuck out of their opponent and I honestly have no idea how any team can stop that. Certainly not Taysom Fucking Hill.
If the Saints win, I will draw Taysom Hill as a literal swiss army knife
BROWNS @ GIANTS
If Daniel Jones could look competent against a real team, that’d be great. Daniel Jones probably shouldn’t even be playing. I wanted to have hope but the Cardinals game was just everything he was bad at early on this year, a complete regression. He’s only looked competent against awful teams. I think he doesn’t have a high ceiling.
If the Giants win, I will draw A Big Apple with Daniel Jones as a happy worm
STEELERS @ BENGALS
The Bengals are so bad. The Steelers probably need this win to keep the #1 seed in sight.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Mike Tomlin burning his coach of the year chances
12-3 Steelers losing to 12-3 Browns. I need it. Let me have this. Steelers need to lose. I neeeeeed it.
Also. I’ve never rooted for the cowboys in my life. But the thought of the red rifle being the screaming cowboy meme. I want it.
Edit: DAMNIT JUSTIN TUCKER!!!
Hang on here –
Did you actually type that first post assuming the Browns WOULDN’T BLOW IT by being unable to play defense for an entire 1:08?
And you call yourself a Browns fan….
I am a hopeful browns fan. I expect them to be terrible. But my optimism is still there.
On twitter there are already multiple threads talking about better playcalling for Hurts, or because of the LT, or because the RB was used more efficiently… or because Doug Pederson secretly hates Wentz, which gave me a fit of giggles:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EpKKDhaXcAISvXq?format=jpg&name=large
I mean, sure, sure, the Jints’ QB is arguably as bad as Wentz, but… *sniff* it’s still… *sniff* hilari – *SOOOOOOOOOBS*
Helps to have Alshon and Ertz back on the field. Yeah they probably want to keep developing young guys but potential =/= talent.
I don’t recall if it was last week or the week before that, but I remember Jeremiah and Brooks talking in their podcast about how Pederson had stopped giving Wentz any layups on their podcast, and Jeremiah wondering if Pederson had decided to throw Wentz off the deep end or if he was just annoyed at him for some reason. Not going anywhere with this, just thought it was interesting
ah this is what I expected from the steelers
Funny about Wentz supportors. Of course the play calling WAS better for Hurts, the blocking WAS better for Hurts, and 56% completion and 167 yards isn’t great. Carson slept well last night.
Hi I’m bdawk4ever and I’m going to casually drop Hurt’s statline but conveniently ignore his 107 yards rushing because I wouldn’t want to admit to myself Carson might be a problem
Two words: pocket awareness
he also forgot 0 ints against a good saints defense
Rather than taysom as a Swiss army knife, if the saints win, you should draw Sean Payton as Ehud, stabbing a very fat king (Andy Reid as Eglon) in the belly with a double edged sword (Taysom).
Username checks out
As a Bears fan, looks like I can’t lose this weekend!
“If the Vikings win, I will draw myself giving my life energy to Kirk Cousins”
I also very much want to see this one, might be one of my favorites this year:
“If the Giants win, I will draw A Big Apple with Daniel Jones as a happy worm”
Man, that Wentz truthers drawing is so on point. And particularly one of them who I had the displeasure of reading his posts elsewhere yesterday is creeping in here as well, stating the same “facts” about Jalen Hurts like a broken record.
Sigh…
Snowman Ben isn’t fat enough.
Browns win tonight and they’re just a game away from utter chaos. It’s great.
lol not another game that we were close in and were completely screwed. Also, Wentz just doesn’t look the same after that hit in 2017. Overall, you can look at stats but what really matters is who the team believes in, and right now that is Hurts. He led the team to a win against THE SAINTS. You know the ONE SEED. Anyways enough about that back to the … Panthers … *goes into corner and cries*
Wentz wasn’t even that bad in 2019. He struggled, but it was fairly obvious that many of the issues with Philadelphia’s offense had more to do with the talent (or lack thereof) surrounding him and not great playcalling. He still threw for 4000 yards and 27 TDs with one of the worst WR corps in the league, and did a decent job of protecting the football.
2020 was just a shocking regression, especially in terms of protecting the football. He’s just had so many turnovers and bad decisions that left anyone watching scratching their head trying to figure out why that was, and he’s playing so much worse than he was last season with mostly the same corps. Are many of the Wentz Truthers’ complaints still true? Yeah. The WR corps still sucks and the playcalling is still very bad, but that doesn’t excuse Wentz’s awful decision making this season.
Wentz Truthers are something else though. I get defending the guy, but some of the takes they had were outrageous. Saw one say that Wentz is on par with Patrick Mahomes because he does what he does with less than what Mahomes has. Just ridiculous stuff lmao.
The regression is because the little help they DID get for the receiving corps either got hurt or opted out of the season. Their top receiver is a pickup from the Lions trash pile. The LIONS!
Brett Kollmann did a good breakdown of what has gone wrong in the past and has been exacerbated this year. He boils it down to 1) Wonky mechanics (which should have been fixed by a competent QB coach), 2) Pederson’s bizarre play calling that doesn’t play to his players’ strengths in any way, and 3) Wentz playing hero ball as a result and trying too hard to make things happen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OD2qmLoMh4k
Instead of addressing these issues, the GM decided to spend a second round pick on a QB they did not need after giving Wentz such a large contract, putting more unneeded pressure on him after the last two seasons of having to live up to a goddamn backup QB who happened to get hot at the perfect time. Yes, a franchise should be able to overcome dumb mental stuff like this, and yes, Carson’s decision making should be improving instead of declining, but when he his literally running for his life behind a 3rd string OL with yet ANOTHER manufactured QB controversy behind him, I don’t blame him for being completely frazzled. It’s a total screw job, and Wentz deserves better.
The point is, Carson Wentz can still be a good QB. Hell, he can still be a good QB with Doug Pederson as his coach if Dougie would just sack up, admit that Frank Reich was the key to the SB winning year, and hire one single, real OC to design and offense that works to their players’ advantage. But it will not matter who the QB or the coach of this team is next year if the man who tries to cover the weak spots of the roster every year with tape and gum and creates unnecessary problems for his star player is still allowed control of this team.
Howie Roseman is the Eagles’ biggest problem right now, and he needs to go if the Eagles want to have a future. Doug can honestly go too if he doesn’t think he needs to take a step back from the duties of running the offense, though.
Unbelievable. You’re blaming the man who built the championship roster for how bad Wentz has been? If Wentz feels so threatened by the cheap rookie backup they drafted high because of his inability to stay healthy after they paid him over 30m a year, that’s on him. He isn’t built to be an NFL player and Roseman’s only mistake has been paying him. Also this is why the Cowboys didn’t want to pay Dak, though in hindsight it’s pretty clear who deserves the big contract and who didn’t
I gotta say, thank you for linking me to that video. That was an excellent breakdown of Carson Wentz’s struggles this season, and I also found some new content to binge since that guy clearly knows what he’s talking about when discussing QB play. His breakdown on Wentz’s wonky mechanics was just, wow man, I don’t even see that on NFL Network anymore.
I also agree with you in that I think Wentz can be a good QB again in a different situation. Players don’t have MVP caliber seasons out of nowhere, and while he did struggle, he was never this bad prior to 2020. He could be in dire need of a change of scenery and there are going to be more than a few QB-needy teams this offseason. The only issue is that contract. It’s terrible, and I doubt many teams are going to want to eat it to take a shot on a guy that has completely fallen off a cliff since 2017.
I mean this is pretty much the same team they won a sb with Nick still same coach same “bad” team that Nick lead to win a Super Bowl its just Wentz regressed so much and maybe needs a break but right now Hurts is their guy
Mahomes should be happy he’s not playing in the AFC East given that his only two performances in Miami would make anyone double take after checking the statsheet. He won in both instances, but I guess there’s something about Miami and making really good QBs play like hot ass for zero discernible reason. The stats don’t even begin to account for that 30 yard sack either. I won’t link it since I’m sure everyone and their mother has seen ad nauseam but seriously, what the actual fuck was Mahomes doing on that play? lmfao
Just a curious question Dave: why specifically an F-22 Raptor and not a ‘fighter jet’?
I dunno, for whatever reason that specific jet came to mind.
suddenly i love the cowboys and want them to win
I make some of my pics for the week based on which comics I most want to see. Since our season is shot to hell anyway
I don’t like the Cowboys, but now I want them to win.
Giants vs. Bucs. Because Brady facing the Giants in the Post Season is the best thing ever. But only if the Giants desperately call Eli and beg him to come back for one last game. This is the dream that will not be, but that must be. Rocket Pops ain’t there to slay Bradybeast, so Bucs’ll win it.
Depends entirely on what version of Danny Derp you get. He single-handedly lost them the last matchup despite the Giants’ D coming up with an outstanding gameplan to throw off Brady for most of the game. If (very strong if) he doesn’t commit the same really bone-headed mistakes like he did that Monday Night, they stand a great chance. The Bucs are still trying to figure themselves out 14 weeks into the season so they won’t go far in the playoffs.
Their nightmare WC matchup is Washington though. That defense will tear them apart with that front 7 alone.
how many more weeks until the header image is just a barrage of covid virus
You have the Bengals underlined to beat the Steelers
Lol Lamar did win after pinching off a brownie and I’m not talking about an elf
Can you update the Trubisky one so that he’s chugging a bottle of Malort instead
As a Saints fan I love your takes on our team they never get old mostly because they are painfully true. I missed your picks for last week and so coming today I had a feeling you picked the Saints to win. I’m just glad that the comic was more of a joke against the Eagles than it was us this week.
The Chargers actually moved UP in draft position, because of the Cowboys win over the Bengals.
Anthony Lynn needs to go. He isn’t a bad guy, I just feel like the only thing he really contributes is “toughness” and preparedness, because he doesn’t bring any scheme genius. Going on two years, the team doesn’t look tough or prepared. His only successful seasons came with two former HCs as coordinators, and Telesco has always given him an excellent team.
Consider also that he beat Andy Reid just once, and got destroyed by the weakest Patriots team in decades.
Also consider the rumor that he doesn’t even do pregame rundowns or speeches with the whole team anymore. What does he actually contribute to winning?
Also, QB coach Pep Hamilton is Herberts secret sauce, not Lynn.
For replacements, I would hope for Eric “The Enemy” for his offensive scheme, or Robert Saleh to get the wide nine working. We have the personnel for either