CARTOON PICKS WEEK 12 – The Steelers Must Finish 8-8-1
HAPPY WEEK 12, EVERYBODY! How ya’ll doing. The Giants beat the Eagles so I’m happy.
That win was definitely more an indictment on the Eagles than it was any sort of affirmation for the Giants. The defense played well enough, yes, but they are the good unit to begin with. The Eagles were flying high lately with some nice wins and teasing a potential entrance to the playoffs with Dallas stumbling but this week should put any hopes to bed that this Eagles team is worthy of the playoffs even if they make it. Hurts seems like a poor man’s Lamar Jackson. He can run it well enough, but if the game comes down to him passing the ball, they are probably fucked. Not that this game was entirely on Hurts. Jalen Reagor is a big fat bust.
The Steelers got blown up, that was delightful. The Steelers beat the Bills in week 1 but haven’t had an impressive win since. They feel destined for 8-8-1 and I cannot abide by any other result. Tomlin will get his non-losing season in the funniest way possible.
Looks like Cam is still bad and the Panthers still a mirage. The Dolphins, however, have a chance to save the season at this rate. After beaching themselves so hard they’ve suddenly gotten to beat up on some bad teams and are now back in the picture, with games against the Jets and Giants still coming. Maybe they can do it.
The Raiders/Cowboys game maybe be the worst ref’d of the year, beating out the Steelers/Bears fiasco. I have no love for the Cowboys but man, the refs in that game were atrocious and both teams were dealing with horseshit. All 3 Thanksgiving games sucked in their own way. The Bears and Lions was just disgusting, terrible football. Cowboys Raiders was good football constantly interrupted and altered by the zebras. Buffalo/Saints was just a fat boring blowout. A terrible day of football overall.
The Titans tried to Chaos the Patriots but the Patriots refuse to be chaos’d, also the Titans are starting dudes off the street at this point. That they’ve managed this many wins is astounding. The Colts went toe to toe with Brady but then lost, something they’ve done with many teams this year. They love going toe to toe only to lose. The Colts do feel like a team capable of breaking out but they just can’t put anyone away.
The Chargers are back to being the Chargers. I hate the Chargers. They will never not be the Chargers. At least the Bills got back on track. The Rams are suffering thanks to the Stafford problems.
The Jets won the tank bowl! My ability to jinx the Saints continues. I did pretty good overall this week,
PICKS! I think it’s time we had another themed week. LET’S DO POOP WEEK
COWBOYS @ SAINTS
I hate that I have to watch Dallas two Thursdays in a row. I like not watching Dallas, especially when they are good. The Saints are all messed up this year but per my curse, I must select who I want to win. I pick the Cowboys.
If the Saints win, I will draw Sean Payton pooping on Mike McCarthy
COLTS @ TEXANS
The Colts should be able to actually finish this game out. I mean, the fucking Jets could.
If the Saints win, I will draw Jack Easterby pooping on a small horse
VIKINGS @ LIONS
The Vikings finally have a game they should easily win, and yet somehow it’ll be a nailbiter.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell pooping on Mike Zimmer’s kneecaps
GIANTS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins are going to make their push for the playoffs. Tua is quietly playing rather well. The defense has found itself. The Giants are trash. If the fish lose this game, maybe they deserve to stay in the hole they dug for themselves.
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones pooping on a dolphin
BUCCANEERS @ FALCONS
I kind of wish the Bucs had a genuine competitor in the NFCS just to make it interesting like last year instead of their success being just inevitable.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan pooping on Tom Brady
EAGLES @ JETS
If the Eagles lose to both the Jets and Giants in the same stadium in back-to-back weeks, stick a fork in them.
If the Jets win, I will draw baby Zack Wilson pooping on an eagle
CARDINALS @ BEARS
The bears are who we thought they were!
If the Bears win, I will draw a bear pooping a cardinal
CHARGERS @ BENGALS
The Bengals are back baby! The Chargers are full Chargers and I hate them. Fuck you, Chargers.
If the Chargers win, I will draw a thicc lightning bolt pooping on a tiger
RAMS @ JAGUARS
Holy moly if the Rams lose this game
If the Jags win, I will draw Urban Meyer grinding on poop. Look Rams don’t fuck this up.
TEAM @ RAIDERS
The Raiders subreddit has a guy flipping a coin every week to predict the game. The coin is perfect on the season. I may have to hold off on this game until he makes his new pick. Until then, I pick the Raiders.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Dan Snyder pooping on a toilet shaped like the Raiders stadium
RAVENS @ STEELERS
The Steelers are destined to be .500 and have this annoying knack to win the games when I want them to lose but then start losing when I expect them to keep playing well. I expect the Ravens to win here, but this is exactly the kind of game where the Steelers would come out, win, and piss everyone off who just want to see them go away.
If the Ravens win, I will draw the new Heinz ketchup, poopchup
49ERS @ SEAHAWKS
Since the Dolphins are actually winning again I can safely move the “most disappointing team” from Miami to Seattle.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw tiny Russ pooping in Jimmy’s mouth
BRONCOS @ CHIEFS
Broncos are very mediocre but I assume the Chiefs are themselves again.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bojohn Elway pooping on kermit Mahomes
PATRIOTS @ BILLS
Finally, something interesting to watch. Bills need to win this if they want to retain the crown they acted like they already won before the season started.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones pooping on the draft experts
Raiders coin thing was actually done before the season began. It’s predicted a win over Washington, and a final season record of 10-7, making the playoffs.
So, what’s with all the scat sketches this week? Did you write up these bets before dropping the kids off at the pool?
Dave, the Raiders coin predictions were all flipped and made in week 3 for the entire regular season. Like Nostradamus or the Oracle of Delphi, it has accurately predicted every win and loss so far.
The Coin has the Raiders beating the WFT, losing to the Chiefs, beating the Browns, Broncos, and Colts, and losing to the Chargers to end the season at 10-7.
Also, please Rams, don’t lose.
I see more than enough poop changing baby diapers. I might sit this week out.
I’m sure this makes me a terrible person, but I can’t shake the image of Daniel Jones dropping a roll of dimes in the dolphin’s blowhole. Ugh, that’s awful. X(
Here’s a clip of the Ravens fake punt that wasn’t counted, followed by the browns taking a TO in order to avoid a 12 man on the field penalty on 4th & 2, followed promptly by the browns getting flagged for 12 men on the field…
Truly beautiful.
https://youtu.be/eC9BoULlkr4
Pulling for the Saints to win twice is probably a losing move.
This is the first week I’m hoping you get every pick right. (Well, except for Rams-Jags maybe.)
Are we expecting the Saints to kick down the doors, give the Colts and Texans both Stone Cold Stunners, and then leave the field as champions?
Bah gawd it’s Taysom Hill, he’s headed to the field! Oh no don’t do that! That man has a family! Bah gawd Hill delivers the stunner to Tyrod and Wentz and broke them in half!
If that’s the case I hope you get all your picks right this week
That’s a nice bunch of picks… FOR ME TO POOP ON!
Minor editing note: you wrote “If the Saints win…” under Colts @ Texans. Feel free to delete this comment if you see it.
Yeah I’ll definitely be rooting for you to get every game right this week besides Pats-Bills.
“If the Seahawks win, I will draw tiny Russ pooping in Jimmy’s mouth”
… #ForeverFaithful
As a Steelers fan, at this rate I would GLADLY welcome 8-8-1
OKAY. HEAR ME OUT. What about all your suggestions, BUT:
instead of “on”, it’s “out”!
e.g.
If the Saints win, I will draw Sean Payton pooping out Mike McCarthy
If the Saints win, I will draw Jack Easterby pooping out a small horse
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell pooping out Mike Zimmer’s kneecaps
If the Giants win, I will draw Daniel Jones pooping out a dolphin
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan pooping out Tom Brady
If the Jets win, I will draw baby Zack Wilson pooping out an eagle
If the Bears win, I will draw a bear pooping out a cardinal
If the Chargers win, I will draw a thicc lightning bolt pooping out a tiger
“If the Jags win, I will draw Urban Meyer grinding on poop. Look Rams don’t fuck this up.” CAN’T CHANGE THIS ONE!
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Dan Snyder pooping out a toilet shaped like the Raiders stadium
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bojohn Elway pooping out kermit Mahomes
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones pooping out the draft experts
This would certainly be a less revolting path to tread down, albeit still repugnant in its own way. Lol. I’ll second it.
Just to be clear, are the bears pooping “on” a cardinal or are they “pooping a cardinal”?
When the Pats win, make sure that Jones is being held up in his squatting position by Judon, McCourty, JC Jackson et al. It’s the D that gave the O time for Jones to “grow into his role.” Not to mention the Coach behind the madness – the one and only Darth Hoodie himself; talent doesn’t coach itself, as Lawrence, Darnold, Z Wilson, etc. can all attest.
So like, what happens if both the Saints and Colts win?
Dave, your picks are curses. Stop picking the Panthers. For the love of god man!
The coin already picked our entire regular season.
All hail the coin.