CARTOON PICKS WEEK 12 – GIVING THANKS TO SEXY JAGS
Things have improved a bit this week!
It wasn’t a majorly chaotic week by any stretch, but after last week we had a little fun shaking things up. The Raiders have gone 2-0 since losing to the Jeff Saturday Colts, proving that sometimes the only way up is to be so down there’s nowhere else to go. The Rams are running on empty, everyone is hurt, and the worst super bowl winning hangover continues. The entire NFC South is under .500, including the Bucs. The Jets benched the spoiled baby and we are again living in Mike White’s world. The Seahawks, once surprising favorites, are now on the precipice of disaster as the 49ers have settled in. The Vikings continue to make no sense. The Ravens cannot stop losing games late in the 4th.
I’m giving the Ravens/Jaguars game CHAOS OF THE WEEK. The Ravens had a tenuous hold on the AFC North over the Bengals after both teams spent the early quarter of the season stumbling on their own dicks before finding a rhythm. This week the Ravens had an easy matchup and the Bengals a tough one. It ended with the Ravens and Bengals now tied for first, with the Browns not even entirely out of the picture since Watson is coming back next week and should, theoretically, make them more competitive. The Jaguars caused all of this. The Jaguars are consistently one of the most watchable bad offenses in the league because it’s all or nothing. This week, it was all. Trevor kept them close and when the Ravens pulled ahead by a touchdown with 2 minutes left, it was time to shine. Trevor has been terrible in this position his career so far. Today? He did it. A deep bomb to set up a pinpoint dime to the endzone and a sudden game-winning 2-point conversion. The Jags even gave the Ravens one last Justin Tucker chance, AND HE MISSED. What a game.
GIANTS CORNER: I don’t want to talk about it
CHAOS WATCH: As stated above, the Seahawks are making things kind of interesting in the NFCW. The Cardinals and Rams are basically out of it now. The 49ers midseason trade for CMC has quietly put them in a great spot again and they now lead. The Hawks are currently not in the playoffs, with the ENTIRE NFCE taking up the remaining wildcard spots. The Hawks have two remaining games against the Rams and one against the Packers, then a 49ers game and a Chiefs game, and finally a Jets game. If the Hawks want a chance to get in, they probably need to win 3 of those. We could have some goofy stuff coming. Also, keep your eye on the NFC South. None of them are very good. One of them has to win. Believe it or not, the Saints and Panthers are only one win behind the Bucs and Falcons.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK: The Saints. This award goes to the dullest, most pointless team. Bad teams can be fun or interesting, I find the Broncos failures very interesting. The Saints? Every time they show up on my screen my eyes glaze over. They also spent 3 hours getting slowly destroyed on Sunday.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK: The Panthers are a terrible team, starting Sam Darnold, stripped of parts…and the Broncos still couldn’t beat even that. The Broncos and Russell Wilson will probably earn this title for the year.
I had a great thanksgiving and then a horrible Sunday, so I more or less broke even.
The Jaguars: always giving me good ideas that make everyone uncomfortable.
WEEK 13 PICKS – No theme this week, lets do some classic dumb bets
BILLS @ PATRIOTS
Last year this game got windblown to hell and resulted in one of the funniest results of the year. I doubt that happens again, but the Bills need to stomp the Patriots into oblivion if they want to stop looking like a first-round playoff exit. They already can’t afford to lose ground against the Dolphins.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac and Me
PACKERS @ BEARS
If Fields was healthy, this might go very badly for the Packers. Unfortunately, I think the Bears are boned without Fields because they have nothing else of value.
If the Bears win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers as Grizzly Man
STEELERS @ FALCONS
The Falcons feel like they could win this, so why not.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Kenny Pickett and George Pickens picking out pictures of them picking peaches
JETS @ VIKINGS
Mike White already used up his great game of the year, I expect him to look normal against an actual good team.
If the Jets win, I will draw Mike White, gathering energy, ready to take over the world
JAGUARS @ LIONS
CATFIGHT! The Lions have won 3 in a row, maybe they can make it 4. EDIT I forgot they lost on Thanksgiving, maybe they can make it one
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Fabio Trevor on a romance novel cover
TITANS @ EAGLES
Hard to pick against the Eagles but it would be nice if they dropped a few of these.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry eating the cast of Always Sunny
BROWNS @ TEXANS
God I can’t believe this game is going to happen. Ugh. Texans, do us a favor and ruin the comeback.
If the Texans win, I will draw Lovie Smith destroying Watson with a spirit bomb sent from all of us
COMMIES @ GIANTS
The Giants are struggling and the injuries have piled up. The Commies have found an identity. I’m going to start getting sad again.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as Shrek, guarding his meadowlands swamp
BRONCOS @ RAVENS
The Ravens just have to score 18 points then they can fumble the ball all they want in the 4th quarter and it won’t matter.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Russ doing High Knees on Lamar Jackson
DOLPHINS @ 49ERS
Big test for both teams. Whoever comes out of this one is a genuine threat to win it all, I think. I’ll go Dolphins, even though they are away McDaniel has an advantage by knowing Shanahan’s offense.
If the 49ers win, I will draw synthwave Jimmy
SEAHAWKS @ RAMS
Seahawks gotta wake the hell up. Luckily, the Rams suck now.
If the Rams win, I will draw Sean McVay sleeping with his Lombardi trophy, happy for one night
CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
Chargers are the best slightly above-average squad that cant win important games in the league. Luckily this isn’t an important game!
If the Raiders win, I will draw Josh McDaniels rising from the grave. He’s back
CHIEFS @ BENGALS
Bengals got the better of the Chiefs in the last two meetups but both times it felt like a surprise. Chiefs are firing on all cylinders again. hard to pick against it.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joey the Tiger posing in front of 3 crucified kermits representing their last 3 games.
COLTS @ COWBOYS
Cowboys are good and I hate it. Remember when they looked to be lost? That was fun. I want that disaster back.
If the Colts win, I will draw Jim Irsay as a Cowboy on Centaur Matt Ryan
SAINTS @ BUCS
Saints are unwatchable. Bucs at least are watchable bad because every play you wonder how angry Brady is that he lost his wife and his fortune in the span of like a month. Lol FTX
If the Saints win, I will draw Tom Brady as a hobo
A TIE GAME
Both QBs driving off the cliff like Thelma and Louise
How can you do an entire roundup and NOT mention the Jags mascot?
The Jags cartoon would be just as good (and uncomfortable) with Jackson deVille in his speedo…
I dunno, I think this might be the week Miami’s luck finally runs out. I sure hope not, but it’s one of the longest trips in the league, second only to Seattle, and the start of a real tough run-in.
Yep. Especially with Armstead being hurt, really hard to see this one going the Phins way
Honestly, I have been expecting them to run out of luck for months now, but this team is exciting and resilient so who the fuck really knows. Gonna be a fun shootout to watch, but hopefully the Dolphins line can hold without Armstead long enough for Tua to make some plays.
“CATFIGHT! The Lions have won 3 in a row…”
Alas, the Lions lost to Josh Allen magic on Thanksgiving, so this is no longer true.
Vs. the jags, I would assume.
You probably don’t actually need to hear this, Dave, but this Chaometer device is a perfectly suitable addition to the site and a great way for you to relay your thoughts week to week. I can only see it getting better with time, even if you’ve already got more than enough experience working the theme of chaos into your coverage.
Horrible Sunday? You doing alright, Dave?
That Jags pic is a hoot!
Well now the Giants MUST win so we can all see that comic!
Ideally that cartoon can also be a tribute to the giant Shrek found just beyond Metlife Stadium’s eastern Gold lots at the Dreamworks Waterpark at the American Dream Mall.
When viewed at certain angles within the water park my stepson noticed that there’s an optical illusion where it looks like Kung Fu Panda is trying to pants Shrek (https://cdn.getyourguide.com/img/tour/612fb5bfc373b.jpeg/145.jpg)
I know Dave is very down on the Giants, but they should get some players back this week. Jones has looked pretty good even without anyone around him and since this is a home game I think they’ve got a good chance to win it after the long rest.
On the one hand, I get Dave’s depression. They went from 6-1 to 7-4. But this season is a complete success to me, even if they miss the playoffs, as long as: 1) Daboll doesn’t lose the team like Judge did, and 2) they see enough to make a definitive judgment on Jones. We don’t want the Cousins situation in Washington, every season going, “Hmmmm, maybe just ONE more year.” Make a decisive choice regarding Jones, keep seasoning the young guys, and THEN I’ll get angry if they don’t perform next year. As much as I hate to say it, the Cowboys are a good team, despite horrific coaching from the ever-incompetent Mike McCarthy. Hats off to them. That they weren’t mauling us out of the gate was more about their incompetence than our achievement. But still, if you told me in August we’d be 7-4 with a shot at the postseason, I’d have said “SIGN ME UP!”
The Giants are a low-talent team that stayed competitive until the little talent they had all got injured, and suddenly half the starting roster are guys who weren’t on the squad prior to last month. The only thing I want confirmed is that they’re not signing OBJ. I’ll do my best to give him the benefit of the doubt if they do, but his presence won’t fix the other issues, he CANNOT stay healthy, and we have plenty of WRs already who fill the often-injured role. If Kadarius Toney didn’t fit Schoen and Daboll’s culture, I can’t imagine OBJ will. And even if the above items WEREN’T an issue, the money will be. Unless this guy met Jesus while sleeping on the plane, he’s not going to want to give NYC a trophy sooooo badly that he signs for peanuts. Our cap is still a mess, and the decisions on Jones and SaQuads loom large.
So long story longer… I agree with you. I feel really good about the Giants, even after Thanksgiving.
OK now I really want the Giants to win.
On behalf of my team I apologize/accept thanks for helping to make Sexy Trevor a reality
I know you’re not a fan of the Steelers and the game was on Monday, but I’m hoping for a Pickett sighting after barely fending off the Saturday Colts.
Guess who’s back,
Back again,
The rapist’s back,
Tell your friends.
-Cleveland Browns theme song
Where is the steelers pick
It’s the third one on the list, right between Packers-Bears and Jets-Vikings
wtf do you mean
The way that jaguar behind Sexy Trevor is looking at me makes me feel like it’s grabbing me
Completely unrelated but surely you will eventually make a comic about those garbage fucking Burger King ads that have made watching football near-impossible now.
…followed by the umpteenth repeat of the Sprite fake-holiday special commercial.
Can’t make out a word other than “joy! joy! joy! joy!”
That spirit bomb can come from half the Browns’ fanbase too. I’d rather watch six more games of Jacoby Brissett playing just well enough to almost overcome their defensive deficiencies than see Watson go 6-0 and justify them selling their soul.
LMAO THE GIANTS TIED. This drawing is going to be some Grade A laughs.