CARTOON PICKS WEEK 10 – Texans Fans In Shambles
WEEK 10! We are getting into the thick of it now folks. The real contenders for the playoffs have emerged. The contenders for the top spots have emerged. The teams on the fringe are fighting to stick around. The Jets are going for the dumpster record. Someone might win the NFCE with 4 wins.
Lets start with the Cardiac Cards, this week’s absolute heroes. The Bills came to town and put up a fight. They even won the game with 30 seconds left! A statement win, coming off the big Seattle win. Going into enemy territory, staying ahead of the Dolphins…what a statement win for the Bills. They just have to stop a hail mary. Look, they flushed Kyler off to the side so he can’t even throw the ball at the angle he wants. Now the ball will drop harmlessly to the….did Nuk just catch that?!?!?!
Wow. Godbless. The Texans traded this guy for a 2nd and David Johnson. Never forget. The Cardinals have now pulled off two of the best wins of the entire season.
What else happened? Well nothing too unexpected. Pittsburgh slaughtered Cincy to go 9-0 for the first time in franchise history. That surprises me with all the good Pittsburgh teams that I’ve seen in my life and the history of the franchise. They’ve literally always fucked up at least once before this? Amazing. Granted, Pittsburgh has faced…below average competition overall thus far, but it is notable. The Rams stifled the Seahawks, and Russ’s big MVP push is fading fast after the past two weeks. He’s made some absolutely stupid throws recently that I cannot remember seeing him do before. The infamous DK Metcalf rundown only happened because Russ threw a horrible floater that Baker picked off with ease. This weekend, against the Rams, Russ started to scramble and had roughly 20 yards of free real estate in front of him yet instead he elected to throw it across his body into the corner of the endzone and it got predictably picked off. I thought Russ was smarter than Brett Favre throws.
New England won against a Baltimore team that looked like it just didn’t want to be there. The weather was also horrible, which tends to favor the Pats. The Dolphins also won, making them officially the sexiest team in the AFCE. The Bills large stranglehold on the division suddenly looks a lot more precarious.
But lets talk Chaos Division. The Giants finally beat a football team not named football team! Daniel Jones has two straight games without a turnover! They are now a half-game back in the division! I’ve looked at the remaining schedules for the NFCE and the Giants could theoretically take it with just 4 wins.
-Lets assume none of the teams win a single remaining game outside the division (not that bad a bet, honestly).
-The Giants only have 1 division game left, the Cowboys in week 17. They win this game (without Dak, a reasonable assumption!), and end the season with 4 wins.
-The Eagles do not win another game, ending their season at 3.5 wins, behind the Giants.
-The Team (currently at 2 wins) has two remaining divisional games, Eagles and Cowboys. They could win both games and end the season at 4 wins. They’d still lose the division to the Giants due to tiebreakers.
-The Cowboys have to play the Giants, Eagles, and Team. They drop the Giants game for our argument. If they beat the Eagles and Team, they also have 4 wins. Does this give them the tiebreaker to take the division? I don’t think so, because they would have only won 3 divisional games. The Giants in this scenario have 4, and would have split with Dallas, giving them the tiebreaker.
So the Giants could win this division with 4 wins and then embarrass Tampa Bay in the wildcard. This could happen. It isn’t even that far-fetched. The Eagles are currently in the drivers seat with that single tie in there. This division will likely come down to whichever team manages to steal a win outside the division. I love NFCE football. A 6 or even 5 win playoff contender is very much still on the menu.
HOW’D I DO THIS WEEK? Actually pretty well. Too bad for you. Also whoop whoop for getting the Raiders right two weeks in a row.
WEEK 11 TIME BABY
CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS
I know home field advantage doesn’t mean what it usually does this year, but it feels wrong to pick against the Hawks in Seattle. The NFCW is an absolute bloodbath with three teams at 6-3 (the Hawks are technically in 3rd thanks to tiebreakers) and the 49ers sitting with 4 wins. This is essentially a must win game for both teams if they want to control the divisional race down the stretch. The Cardinals already have an advantage thanks to that earlier win, a loss here could put Seattle in a tough hole despite how good they are.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray dumping Russ’s MVP votes into Puget Sound
STEELERS @ JAGUARS
Fuck it. The Steelers play down to competition and they have to lose at some point. This is exactly the kind of game they would overlook, because they play the Ravens on Thanksgiving right afterward. Jake Luton and the Jags gave the Packers a bit of a scare this past weekend. I gotta take the risk a few times, so I’m picking Jags.
If the Steelers win, which they probably will, I will draw Big Ben as godzilla over Jacksonville
LIONS @ PANTHERS
Sweet sweet Panthers. They try so hard, but they just aren’t quite good enough. Luckily, this is the Lions they are facing, a team that has needed a couple of miracles to avoid losing to the Falcons and TEAM. The Lions are mediocre at best, and the Panthers are solidly mediocre. We are just waiting for Patricia to eat it at this point.
If the Lions win, I will draw Matty Patty frolicking
PATRIOTS @ TEXANS
The Patriots slow crawl back into irritating relevance has begun. The Jets win felt difficult and gave me hope they’d stay bad, but the Ravens game looked like the stifling Patriots of old where they just didn’t make mistakes while the other team fucked up. However, this late in the season, it is still weird to think of this game against a utterly demoralized Texans squad as a must-win for the Pats. It’s still bizarre to see them fighting to be relevant in the first place.
If the Texans win, I will draw Whataburger Deshaun Watson stomping on Bill’s Subway sandwich
TITANS @ RAVENS
The Titans have stumbled as of late, but I still believe in my tractor boy. The Ravens? I honestly don’t know what to think. They aren’t bad by any stretch but they just seem less interesting this season. I’m skeptical.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson as a happy crab
EAGLES @ BROWNS
The Browns are 6-3 and NOBODY IS TALKING ABOUT IT. They didn’t exactly look convincing against Houston, but the Eagles are garbage and if Wayne Gallman could run all over them then Nick Chubb is going to personally murder the family of every defender on the Iggles. The Browns gotta keep pace for now to stay in the race, and I believe.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Pennsylvania shitting on Ohio
FALCONS @ SAINTS
Man it would be hilarious if the Falcons won this and pissed off all the Saints fans. But that’s a tall order.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Mercedez-Benz Stadium kicking the ass of the Mercedes-Benz superdome.
BENGALS @ TEAM
I can’t rightfully pick an NFC east team to win outside the division, even though the Bengals are likely the best chance any of these teams have.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw Riverboat Ron on a tiger skin rug
JETS @ CHARGERS
Genuinely excited to see the Jets continue this losing streak against a team determined to fail at the end of every 4th quarter.
If the Jets win, I will draw Starscream in Jets colors
DOLPHINS @ BRONCOS
The Broncos are easily my pick for most unwatchable team this season. They aren’t funny, they aren’t interesting, they aren’t good, they just exist and I hate them.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bojohn Elway making a can of tuna that is not dolphin safe
COWBOYS @ VIKINGS
The Cowboys are genuinely vile without Dak on the team. I did not expect this team to be worse without Jason Garrett, but they might be. Even with Dak, the coaching here is astoundingly bad.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw a happy oil goblin (jerry jones)
PACKERS @ COLTS
I feel like the Colts are due for a surprising run that demands we pay attention and then they fall apart late. This will be the best win of the season.
If the Packers win, I will draw a large wheel of cheese destroying Indianapolis
CHIEFS @ RAIDERS
I know the Raiders are at home and have already beaten KC in KC, but Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes off a bye? This can’t go well for the Raiders, right?
If the Raiders win, I will draw Derek Carr kicking Kermit in his muppet balls
RAMS @ BUCS
As expected, the Bucs rallied back after the Saints loss and resumed kicking ass and taking names. The Rams are better than we expected, but this is a tough matchup.
If the Rams win, I will draw a ram ramming Tom Brady off the plank
I am upset that we lost to New England and i’m having doubts if the team can preform well much more we have a really tough schedule and seems like the lights are to bright for the ravens the division will end up with Pittsburgh I think at this rate the browns could pull ahead of us at this point
But we are still tough I mean did you see Nick Boyle’s face after that god forsaken injury That’s a tough guy. We are losing to teams i thought we could beat but it’s false i am okay with this loss maybe we’ll bounce back against
Wait who do we play next?
TRACTORCITO
Oh goddammit were screwed
If the Texans do win, remember that Whataburger’s tagline is “Just like you like it.”
With Chubb and Teller back, I think the Browns’ offense is going to take off again. Their last two games have been impossible to throw in, so the team with the better run defense won. The weather will be better this Sunday, so we’ll see some actual passing game going on.
So much for the weather being better Sunday. Yesterday they said 50 and breezy but not 45 mph sustained winds. Now they’re saying 45 and thunderstorms.
Teddy pls be ok, we already suck, no CMC, pls Teddy. Also shoutouts to Nuk my god the Texans are stupid. May NFCE wallow in mediocrity forever.
I’m sad also that Teddy B is injured, but he is only day-day. Texans Fans must be crying after that Hopkins catch.
Texans fans were crying long long long before that Hopkins catch.
I want to see Starscream, make it happen Chargers.
With these Cartoon Picks each week, I actually like going back to the previous week’s posts, knowing how the games actually went, and seeing how Dave’s thoughts and predictions matched up to reality. It’s interesting to read, no matter whether he got the pick right or wrong.
Oh god that ripped Phillip Rivers centaur.
Click the link on my name to see non-buff Philip Rivers centaur
The link is now Aaron Donald wiping his ass
I mean the bottom link is Aaron
DeAndre Baker is officially legally “innocent”!! What a crazy story this has been. And I fully expect that result to be reversed again in 2 weeks when it comes out that Baker’s lawyer extorted the witnesses’ lawyer to extort the witnesses.
Any plans to tackle this latest development in a comic?
If the Giants re-sign him I might, otherwise probably not unless we have even more development like he goes elseware and becomes a star or something
I believe it will reversed the reverse reversed until the moon cracks
Are you gonna change the Falcons-Saints pick now considering the news regarding Drew Brees? Actually, nevermind, these are the Falcons we’re talking about here. Famous Jameis is gonna look like a damn Hall of Famer out there and spark a QB controversy because why not?
This is Brees’ swan song. If Jameis doesn’t sink the Saints and Drew Brees can come back for the playoffs – Imo highly doubtful considering his age – he’ll be back for one last shot, retire, and then Jameis can become the Saints starter. Also the Falcons have been a thorn in the Saints’ sides. It’s very likely the Saints will blow one against them
Brees will never retire until the 2nd super bowl ring is in his hands
The Saints pulled out the monkey’s paw to sweep Tompa Bay and it may have cost them their franchise QB. I knew something was up.
No, no, no. You guys have it all wrong. Brees will play until he dies on the field.
As a Steelers fan:
You right