CARTOON PICKS WEEK 10 – Nobody Wants To Win The AFC
The AFC makes no sense. Just when you think one of the teams looks like a frontrunner, they drop a game or two they absolutely shouldn’t. The Bills were on fire then took a dump against the Jags. The Steelers were on a big winning streak and then tied the Lions. The Dolphins are arguably the biggest disappointment of the season but then kicked Baltimore’s ass. The Chiefs are completely discombobulated but finally looked…right. The Chargers looked great and have spent the last month stumbling around drunk. The Bengals took off then dropped two in a row. The Raiders are having a great year but are also deeply affected by off-field drama. The Titans are chaos, but that’s kind of been their entire MO under Vrabel so it’s no wonder they seem comfortable. The Texans are the only true measure of consistency so far with only week 1 being the anomaly. With the way the Patriots are trending, I expect them to drop a horrible L in the next two weeks. Just you watch.
The AFC is getting the attention for their high chaos but the NFC really isn’t far behind them in chaos. The Vikings are bonkers, losing games they are winning and winning games they shouldn’t. The Saints are just a mess. They beat the Bucs with Trevor Siemian but then got beat by the Titans and already lost to the Falcons and Giants. The Bucs themselves just dropped another game to the TEAM, after Chase Young got hurt and taken out. The Panthers were awful with Darnold but one game with Cam and PJ Walker and they blow out the Cardinals, who destroyed the 49ers last week without Kyler but lost this week to a worse team? The Rams just got OBJ but lost Robert Woods. The Cowboys got blown up by the Broncos. The Packers, probably the favorite to win the conference, looked awful against a not-good Seahawks team. The Eagles, Giants, and Team have all stolen wins from teams they shouldn’t have beaten.
The Rams, first game in with Beckham and Von Miller, completely shat the bed.
Despite this penchant for nonsense the past couple of weeks haven’t featured many good games. Lots of blowouts. The best game this weekend was probably Steelers/Lions, but mostly because it was two teams trying to lose, with neither of them succeeding. If that’s the one Tie Game we get this year, I’m happy with it. Great game. I cheered when the Steelers fumbled the ball with 8 seconds left in OT.
I did okay this week. Nothing this week was as fun as last week.
At least we finally got the tie image to happen. You live your truth, Jared Goff.
WEEK 11!
PATRIOTS @ FALCONS
The Patriots are absolute motherfuckers and are still somehow going under the radar as they sneak their way into the top competitors of the AFC. This is either the game that they drop for no reason, or they absolutely dominate a team they should destroy and then they get punked next week after the media has to collectively admit they are a top team.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Matt Ryan beating Patriots fans to death with a dead horse labeled 28-3
RAVENS @ BEARS
Hopefully the Bears lose this one normally instead of lose it because the refs decided they hated them this week.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields’ right to Bear Arms
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
Battle of the dipshit anti-vax QBs!
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins flexing since his plexiglass shield kept him safe from Covid Rodgers
COLTS @ BILLS
The Colts scored 17 points against the woeful Jags in the first quarter and then almost lost the game by just…not doing jack shit after that. Carson Wentz missed the birth of his child for this. The Colts are mediocre as hell.
If the Colts win, I will draw the Colts mascot as a super sayian
LIONS @ BROWNS
Can’t pick a Lions win till they prove they can do it. They got to face the Steelers without Ben, ran all over them, and still could barely tie. A bad team, these Lions.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell as the old lady from Titanic
TEAM @ PANTHERS
Well, maybe the Panthers are good again? Looks like we are done with the Hey Darnold era.
If the TEAM wins, I will draw the Washington Monument growing balls
TEXANS @ TITANS
The Titans should just annihilate this team, even without Henry. Knowing the Titans, this might end up a confounding loss. Still, fuck the Texans.
If the Texans win, I will draw Jack Easterby in Oilers gear
49ERS @ JAGUARS
The 49ers are nothing special but the Jags are across the river and through the woods from special
If the Jags win, I will draw Urban Meyer grinding Yosemite Sam
DOLPHINS @ JETS
Finally, a matchup worthy of our eyes. This battle shall be legendary! Dolphins I guess.
If the Jets win, I will draw a dolphin obliterated by a cruise missile
SAINTS @ EAGLES
I have sworn to use my powers of getting the Saints wrong for good. I pick the Eagles.
If the Saints win, I will draw the superdome as a UFO Independence Day’ing Philly
BENGALS @ RAIDERS
Two teams that started hot and cooled off. I guess go Raiders.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Burrow and Chase playing frisbee with the Raiders stadium
COWBOYS @ CHIEFS
This game might end up being good if the correct Chiefs show up.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw the Walrus stabbing Mike McCarthy with his tusks
CARDINALS @ SEAHAWKS
If Kyler starts, this should be an easy win. If Colt McCoy starts, it should also be a win because Colt McCoy knows how to beat Seattle. Still love you for that win last year, buddy.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Tiny Russ beating up Tiny Kyler
STEELERS @ CHARGERS
Man I don’t even know anymore. I guess Steelers.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Boltman twerking
GIANTS @ BUCS
Well if the TEAM can beat them, maybe we can. Hahahahaahahahaha
If the Giants win, I will draw Eli Manning and Daniel Jones double-birding Tom Brady
Nice Dolphin win. Also, I don’t want the Patriots to lose, but if they’ve got to drop one this week’s comic idea is genius.
“I will draw Matt Ryan beating Patriots fans to death with a dead horse labeled 28-3”
that made me laugh. It would be a painful loss so I hope it doesn’t get drawn though.
How do you think poor Matt Ryan feels? Poor guy was chained to a boulder in Atlanta, thrown off a boat, and he’s spent the last few years just trying to swim. If he never sees another Super Bowl, I think he surpasses Dan Marino on the “excellent player stuck in unusually bad situation”-ometer.
If his career does end ringless, as most do, then that 28-3 lead will probably remain the high water mark for “almost” winning.
Yessss we got the stupid Robert Hunt illegal play in a cameo
For the record, as a Steelers fan I can say that your assessment of “man, I don’t even know anymore” is spot on.
I like how Goff is actually HAPPY to have made it there…
Getting flushed gets him off the Lions
“Nothing this week as fun happened as last week.”
What does this sentence mean? I feel like I can get close to parsing it, but then something slips in my head and it falls to nonsense again. (much like Lions-Steelers)
I really want to see the battle of the tiny quarterbacks and Eli’s double bird next week!
I was pulling for the Raiders last night, however it was good to see the leagues biggest anti-semite seal the game against his own team.
Lamar getting stabbed with a Dolphin is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Dave, you have earned one Calzone point.
I’m proud of you.
I loved Goff’s smile at not losing and the drops of pee that look like all the yellow flags that marred the game.
I like how the league finally having a decent amount of parity has made it feel like the most chaotic season of NFL football we’ve ever seen.
“after the media has to collectively admit they are a top team.”
I seem to recall you and many others here making fun of me for saying they are good.
I’m only half joking, but blame Tom Brady. Since his fan club gives him 100% of the credit for EVVVVerything, Belichick must be an awful coach. The idea that he needed a year to reload some pieces and can then make the Pats competitive again is beyond their.comprehension, because that would mean Tom Brady isn’t a God among children and.that BB deserves credit. As much pain as it will personally cause me with my Pat fan friends and fam, I hope they win the Super Bowl this year just to spite Brady. XD
This is pretty much spot on. Look at all of the credit Brady got in last year’s super bowl win, even though he just played a regular, solid game while the defense put on one of the best showings of all time.
Belichick has to be a terrible coach and the Patriots have to be terrible, because nuance isn’t allowed.
Also fans don’t seem to remember how bad the Pats were in Brady’s final year, remember the collapse against Miami? They had to reload either way, with or without him.
Kinda like how when Von Miller won Denver a Super Bowl but the media scrum fawned all over noodle-armed PeyPey.
Now Brady isn’t at that level yet, and I don’t think Tampa could have won last year with e.g. Dilfer at his prime, so Brady deserves credit, just not as much as the fanboys and media give him.
I feel like this road tends to go both ways. It’s either all Brady or all Belichick when the reality was that both of them were far and away the best at what they did and New England won a crapload of games and championships as a result. When Brady failed, Belichick would make up for his shortcomings and when Belichick’s defenses were dogpiss, Brady would carry the load until they figured it out. A duo like that is always going to be near impossible to beat, but since everyone loves an argument, we have the whole Brady vs Bill debate as a result.
It was extremely one-sided last year because of Brady’s success on a team, and the fact that he did what guys like Montana and Manning couldn’t pull off before him. Now the Patriots have a QB that is actually pretty good and a rebuilt roster and we’re starting to see Belichick show his side of the story. A Pats SB win would just solidify the fact that both were responsible for NE’s success and they could both succeed without the other.
I agree, there’s a lot of pie to slice when it comes to who to credit for the Pats’ success. Where I run into general issues with people, is that I’m a contrarian. If I hear my idiot brother-in-law saying how Tom Brady is a God walking among mortals, and the games he loses are because his stupid coach gave him stupid terrible players, I’m IMMEDIATELY going to take the opposite corner, and start calling him an overhyped clod whom Bill Belichick molded out of clay.
But, yea, to use the old adage… success has many fathers. And Aaron Rodgers is a GREAT example of that. Dude is more gifted than any other QB I’ve seen outside of Mahomes, he has arguably the BEST advantage in the world getting home field in the playoffs with that frozen tundra. And yet, selfish bunghole that he is… one ring. LOL.
And yet, all of the above being said, if Derrick Henry can’t come back, I’m 1000% onboard the Patriots winning. Because F*%# Tom Brady. X’D
That’s a fair point. I don’t know the people you talk to but if they’re holding Brady on a god-like pedestal and praising him incessantly, I can see how that would push you to the opposite extreme.
I personally just want the whole Brady vs Bill thing to end. Last year should have ended it. Brady showed that he can win without Belichick. Belichick showed that he needs a half decent QB to win consistently (which is not a bad thing, every great coach had a great QB). All is said and done. And this year should have added to that point, given that Mac Jones has turned into one of the better passers in the league and surprise, surprise, New England is pretty good again.
Instead, a Pats SB win would somehow nullify last year, and we’d just see the same silly argument, but in favor of Belichick this time, rather than looking at the fact that both quite literally just won back to back Super Bowls without each other. It’s tiring that people get pulled to extremes rather than looking at the bigger picture.
Slightly unrelated, but adding to your point on Rodgers, I find all of the, “if Rodgers played under Belichick” hypotheticals to be pretty comical. I don’t get why people ignore Rodgers’ ego in this case. If he dealt with the revolving door at WR/TE and constant changes/adjustments to the offense that Brady dealt with, he’d have had an meltdown and likely demanded a trade. This is a guy that got his coach fired and spent an offseason beefing with his FO and new HC just to bring back a washed up Randall Cobb. It would have been a miracle in and of itself if he managed to last more than a few seasons with Belichick.
The problem Stunkei is that holding Brady to a god-like pedestal is not just a crazy New England fan thing. It is the default stance in sports media. Don’t you remember the sheer number of “greatest athlete ever” takes last season?
“Don’t you remember the sheer number of “greatest athlete ever” takes last season?”
Yes. That type of overreaction tends to happen every year when a player wins a Super Bowl. Tom Brady has done it so much that debating, “Is TB12 the GOAT???” is pointless. And trust me, they have absolutely milked that subject dry on every sports-talk show (looking at you especially First Take and Undisputed). That’s the expected stance now and they have to stir up clicks somehow, so we get awful cross-sports comparisons of Tom Brady vs Michael Jordan or Tom Brady vs Wayne Gretzsky, since it gets people talking about something slightly different.
I wouldn’t say the media really has any default stance on Brady at this point. It’s all hyper-reactionary. When he’s playing well and his team is winning, they’re sucking him dry and speaking nonstop on his greatness. When he struggles, all the focus is on how he’s washed and trash, and his career is done for. There’s no in between with him and it’s turned him into a polarizing athlete to talk about. It’s why people jump to extremes on the subject and you get debates like Brady vs Bill.
And for all that, Bellichick is still double digits under .500 without Brady and .500 this season and you still have people honking about how he’s the GOAT coach. Loudmouth Pats fans were crowning him the greatest coach ever the same day the winningest coach died, so like you I’m going to bury the dude out of contrarian spite. Just the opposite dude
Actually, don’t blame Brady, blame the loudmouth fans who’ve gone from talk radio to twitter to stir up drama. People like to attribute everything to one guy, when the Pats was always about everybody doing their jobs well to be greater than the sum of their parts. Brady leaving for the Bucs was a win-win: Brady got to add another ring and stay a contender in his last few years in the league, and the Pats got to clean up their roster and set the stage for the future. Their best interests diverged, and splitting up gave them both exactly what they needed.
Well, that’s probably because when you said it, they weren’t exactly a good team. They were 2-4 or 3-4 with wins against the Jets, Texans … and the Jets again. Plus one of their losses happened to be Miami’s only win at that point. Saying that team was any good because they kept finding ways to piss away games against quality competition isn’t exactly the best take.
What these last few games have shown, more specifically against the Chargers and Browns, is that those close losses were not at all fluke games. They’re a super competitive team that can hold their own against pretty much everyone, and when they put it all together, you best watch out. The thing about the early part of the season is that Mac Jones was actually really freakin’ good, but the team around him (and even the coaching to some extent) was largely letting him down. Now the team is performing just as well and Mac is winning games as a result.
I’m just hoping the Browns win was not some fluke blowout. That tendency to keep every game close was going to bite them in the ass at some point so it’s good to see them get some very thorough victories instead.
I said it because of what I was seeing on the field. Week in and week out, they were playing well, and ultimately they came up short because of some degree of luck. A team with a bunch of young players and players new to the team is going to need time to gel. It only made sense that they would continue to improve over the course of the season, so I was encouraged (well, discouraged as a Pats hater lol) that they would be a contender.
I guess it’s a matter of how you viewed their losses. What I was seeing early in the season was a team that still wasn’t very talented even with a better QB. They were painfully undisciplined and inconsistent, and they were unhelped by extremely conservative decision-making. They let Davis Mills tear them apart a week after he got destroyed by Buffalo and needed a late comeback just to beat that awful Texans squad. They were Miami’s only win. They got creamed by a banged up Saints squad. And they blew a win against Tampa. It didn’t feel like a luck thing so much as a coaching issue, and it was frustrating because this was all in spite of Mac Jones actually playing pretty well.
Something obviously flipped and they got that discipline back. They aren’t making boneheaded errors in crucial situations and the playcalling has been much more aggressive. They look like a much better team now and while I’m glad to see things improve, I can’t blame anyone for looking at that squad 4 weeks ago and thinking, “yeah this team isn’t good”. They clearly weren’t.
Yeah I’m not sure what switch got flipped because the Patriots of the first quarter of the season are not the Patriots playing now. These new Patriots, since probably the closer than expected Cowboys game, are a much better team and I’d put them in the top 5 AFC teams right now, which most people aren’t because they started slow. But the other squads that started fast (Chargers, Bengals, Raiders) are stumbling now and the Patriots just keep improving.
It’s a long season. This happens every year. Teams start out strong and then stumble, teams start out struggling and then find themselves, teams have a strong stretch and then disappear back to their early season struggles, or have a month or two where they don’t look so good and then recapture their early season strengths. When January comes around we’ll look back at stuff happening right now and laugh at some of the things we believed and marvel at the things we didn’t see coming. Just like every season
Post-TNF update, because someone had to. 1) Yes, the Patriots’ defense at least are, as you so politely put it, Motherfuckers. Mac still has some learning to do re not getting cheesed by blitzes. 2) Weirdly enough, the math mirrored. Instead of the Falcons getting their 28-3 revenge, the Patriots shellacked them by 25 points, by yes, a 25-0 score. 25 may have now become an unlucky number for the Falcons as far as NE is concerned.