CARTOON BETS WEEK 9 – LETS CLASS IT UP
Hello friends, and welcome to another week in football hell. Oh, sorry, I was speaking specifically to the Packers fans here. For the rest of us, things were mostly fun!
This entire Packers season has been game after game of me going “okay, they can’t actually lose this one, right?” A loss to the Vikings in week 1? Wild how lopsided it was, but they did the same thing last year to the Saints. Beating the Bears? Expected. Beating the Bucs, a tough championship competitor, on the road? Good win. Getting taken to the wire by the Patriots backup? Okay, everyone has off weeks, and Bailey Zappe outperformed expectations. A loss to the Giants? Wow, that’s pretty bad, but hey, it was in London and the Giants are feisty, surely they won’t lose to the Jets too. Oh. They did. Well, maybe the Jets are also feisty. Surely they won’t lose to the Commanders. Oh. Um…oh. Huh. Okay, this team has some clear problems and I’m not sure when they will figure it out, but it has to be coming. They won’t beat the Bills (and they didn’t), but surely they can beat The Lions. A team with 1 win, no defense, and a now struggling offense? Even a flawed team can pull that off.
Oh. They lost. The Packers are 3-6 going into week 10. My expectations that Rodgers will figure it out like usual are actually in jeopardy. THIS IS GREAT FUCK THE PACKERS
So what else? Well, Brady gave us one more last-second game-winning drive against the Rams. The Rams sold their souls to win it all last year and the reaper came calling this season. I’d be mad, but a championship is pretty much always worth it (unless you cheat like the Astros, fuck you Astros, nobody respects you anymore). The Panthers got the shit kicked out of them by Joe Mixon. The Bills! The Bills have spent the past couple of weeks fucking around and playing with their food and they found out. Josh Allen looked terrible. The defense is injured. What everyone thinks is still the most powerful team in the league has looked mighty mortal.
No other big surprises though. The Eagles are annoying in that they are clearly a top-level team but they have yet to face any genuine competition outside the one Cowboys game. You can only play who is on your schedule but they might literally go 17-0 and get blown out in the divisional by an actual opponent. The Chargers and Falcons spent their game both trying to give up their chance to win, as usual. The Patriots stuffed a bad QB and struggled offensively, as usual. The Raiders flashed a slight amount of hope and then fell apart, as usual. The Dolphins were good, as usual. The Seahawks were good, as usual. The Cardinals seem lost, as usual. At least the Bears seem to have finally figured out their offense! Justin Fields has now looked like a top prospect for 3 weeks straight. Maybe the Bears are getting it.
Oh and the Vikings also dug themselves out of a pit they themselves dug and jumped in, as usual.
I did fairly well. It’s nice when the teams do what I want. Makes my life easier. Sucks for you.
WEEK 10…IS PHAT DUMPER WEEK
I’m going to be hanging out in Seattle with a friend this coming weekend and I needed something easy and stupid I can do, so this will be this year’s VERY DUMB GROSS WEEK. Do you like when I draw Kirk Cousins having a huge butt? Well, friends, that’s what Phat Dumper Week shall be.
FALCONS @ PANTHERS
Didn’t these two dumbasses just play each other a week ago? It’ll probably end the same way.
If the Panthers win, I will draw PJ/Baker (whoever starts), with a big phat dumpy
SEAHAWKS @ BUCS
I can’t believe I’m picking the Seahawks, try telling this to Dave in August and he would have slapped me
If the Bucs win, I will draw the GOAT…with the GOAT of asses
LIONS @ BEARS
The Lions might have had a chance here if the Bears were still the weeks 1-6 Bears. The Bears are kinda decent now. Lions fucked.
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff with an awe-inspiring backside
BROWNS @ DOLPHINS
Enjoy this game by the Browns. We only have a few weeks left before they get even more unlikeable. We have to appreciate Jacoby Brissett while we can, he did nothing wrong.
If the Browns win, I will draw Jacoby Brissett with a monumental rear
VIKINGS @ BILLS
Bills look mortal but this is probably going to be a bump in the Vikings miracle ride
If the Vikings win, I will draw Kirk Cousins with the phattest dumpy you ever did see
TEXANS @ GIANTS
I’m worried the Giants might actually drop this and finally lose all credibility, but I have to pick them anyway
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills admiring his own luscious plumper
JAGUARS @ CHIEFS
Nice work by the Jags stopping the 5-game skid with a nice comeback win to prevent it from being a 7-game loss streak.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence with a heroic tuchus
SAINTS @ STEELERS
The Saints have quietly been a huge bee in my bonnet this year. They look awful, so I pick against them, and then they go out and win. There’s always one. So now I’m just going to start picking based on what drawing I want to make. I pick the Steelers.
If the Saints win, I will draw Andy Dalton with a mega mass
BRONCOS @ TITANS
The Titans are good again because our lord and savior tractorcito is back
If the Broncos win, I will draw tiny Russ with a normal sized ass
COLTS @ RAIDERS
WELL THIS ONE JUST GOT MORE INTERESTING. Raiders
If the Colts win, I will draw whoever starts with he biggest centaur ass yet
CARDINALS @ RAMS
The Rams look awful. The Cards aren’t great, but they have more life since Nuk came back.
If the Rams win, I will draw Matthew Stafford with a real power peach
COWBOYS @ PACKERS
Packers cant win this one, can they? I would actually appreciate it if they did. Be a pal, Packers
If the Packers win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers, high on ayahuasca, unleashing his pompous pooper
CHARGERS @ 49ERS
Chargers lame, Shanahan game
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Justin Hugebutt
COMMIES @ EAGLES
Eagles get to eat another bad QB for dinner
If the Commies win, I will draw Taylor Heinie
A TIE
Both QBs with big butts, you get it by now
As a Mariners fan, if the Seahawks do win, can we get a drawing of the Mariners catcher, The Big Dumper himself, Cal Raleigh? The Legend that ended the drought!
The Broncos @ Titans game hasn’t been picked
Escaping Soldier Field with a 35-32 win was tense enough, but then I saw the highlights (I listen to WPSL while the game is on).
The earlier call on Xavien Howard wasn’t great, but the last-minute DPI no-call was a total shocker. Keion Crossen near as dammit suplexed Chase Claypool, and he wasn’t even the only dude on him. Miami picked Chicago’s pocket there, and they damn well know it.
They were having a legitimately difficult time corralling Fields, and it has been so long since the Fins have been consistently competitive that I kept expecting the kid to cap off the game with some heroic game-winning drive. But that has been the story of this season, specifically with Tua, if one side of the game is slipping the other side stiffens and gets just enough done to win it. They absolutely snuck out with that win though, no doubt.
Also, are you having as much fun as I am with Jimmy and Joe trying their damndest to keep up with how fast the offense is? It’s delightful.
Oh, it’s fantastic. I feel almost as frazzled as they do. I caught a video on YouTube that showed how they’re this ridiculously explosive, and I get it now I can see it, but I’m stunned just how good this trio (Tua, Hill & Waddle) is.
I don’t remember Miami having anyone anywhere near this prolific almost as long as I’ve been a fan – last time would have been Marino and the Marks Brothers. Obviously Tua & Waddle already had history at Alabama, so they clicked straight back into gear, but in hindsight the acquisition of Tyreek Hill just looks inspired. I have to say I was worried when we lashed five picks on him, but now it feels like we’ve had Kansas City’s eyes out. Dude is an absolute ball magnet – and on the occasion he’s covered, Waddle is right up there an’all.
If Hill & Waddle are a cheat code in the air, Fields just had /noclip turned on yesterday. He was walking through our run defense like they weren’t even there. Glad it’s the last we’ll see of him for a few years at least.
Tua has one of the fastest releases recorded apparently, so pairing him up with two incredibly fast receivers (one of whom is probably the fastest WR in the NFL) turns the Dolphins offense into something more dangerous than I have seen in decades. And even when Hill or Waddle get covered, you have Gesicki or even unknown guys like Trent Sherfield stepping up to make plays. I don’t know where they will end up, but this season has actually been fun. Justin Fields had a record-breaking day, but coach McDaniel telling him “Stop it” legitimately made my week.
Mostert said, “Morale on this team different” and I dig that energy.
I think it was the comeback against Baltimore that I first began to feel it. Hasn’t been this kind of energy around the team since we first ran the Wildcat, back in Tony Sparano’s first season.
You’d better hope the Bucs don’t win next week. You’ll never be able to live up to drawing the GOAT of asses. lol
You should include the loser with a shameful, tiny butt as well.
What’s your pick for Broncos-Titans?
It was too painful of a matchup for Dave to even consider a pick!
I admire voluminous posteriors and i cannot dissemble!
I’m like, yo, assvengers assemble!
For ties, you should draw both QB’s faces on each cheek
reeeeally nice work on this one. the mona rappocchio make me laorf, but the kneecap soup. mmm* chefs kiss
BRUH WE SUCK SO MUCH WE EVEN LOST TO THE BYE WEEK
The eagles are the only team to beat 2 6 win teams
Rams-Bucs was basically the shitty sequel to last year’s Divisional Round matchup except that Tom Brady didn’t give Todd Bowles enough time to royally fuck everything up after a stellar performance by his defense. Felt like Cooper Kupp was the only one on the Rams that wasn’t actively trying to give the game away.
Speaking of the Astros, apparently every single outlet of sports media seems to have forgotten that they ever cheated 5 years ago, and now there’s all these pathetic “feel good stories” about them winning the championship this year.
Baseball is a mess.
Ehh most of the people on this Astros team weren’t there five years ago and honestly I suspect the 2017 Astros cheating stands out not so much in that they did it but in how stupidly obvious they were about it with the garbage cans.
There’s a lot wrong with Baseball now (the contraction of minor league teams, perennial tankers like the Pirates and Royals, the fact that a decidedly mid team like the Phillies even got into the World Series), but a well constructed/run team winning it all seems normal.
just came here to say exactly this, thank you
unless you cheat like the Astros, fuck you Astros, nobody respects you anymore
are we suddenly in 2017, dave?
Yeah, everyone needs to get over the Astros. Besides, other players have blown the whistle on other teams just like Fiers did and there’s been absolutely zero response from the league or fans.
Fuck the fans that are still harping on this when chances are their team did it too.
“the 2017 Astros cheating stands out not so much in that they did it but in how stupidly obvious they were about it with the garbage cans.”
This is exactly why. If the MLB tried to crack down really hard on the Astros, they’d have take out damn near all of the rest of the MLB as well. Cora took his tactics to Boston and also cheated to a World Series (though not in the postseason apparently) and the Yankees were pulling similar shit but just doing it worse than Houston and kept getting folded. I’m not happy that Houston won another title but that’s moreso because they’ve just reached the status of “turbo-dominant team that wins a lot” and not because they got caught doing what everyone else does.
Don’t forget the Colorado Rockies did it as well, very blatantly at that. They just suck.
Right. Houston was just a) the team that got caught and b) extremely freaking good at baseball. If they weren’t winning the AL every other year no one would bat an eye.
That Campbell’s Kneecap Soup is glorious.
They were having a legitimately difficult time corralling Fields, and it has been so long since the Fins have been consistently competitive that I kept expecting the kid to cap off the game with some heroic game-winning drive. But that has been the story of this season, specifically with Tua, if one side of the game is slipping the other side stiffens and gets just enough done to win it. They absolutely snuck out with that win though, no doubt.
Also, are you having as much fun as I am with Jimmy and Joe trying their damndest to keep up with how fast the offense is? It’s delightful.
“So now I’m just going to start picking based on what drawing I want to make”
That’s how you should do every pick!
Jeff Saturday is the new colts head coach. Maybe a comic about the qb carousel for each day of the week? Or possibly since he has no experience a Madden Player running the offensive plays. Or Jim Irsay getting all the 2006 Colts on the team and trying to get Peyton. Perhaps an exodia comic on this. If you didn’t know they now have Reggie Wayne as a WR coach, David Thornton as a LB coach, Robert Mathis as a DE coach and Now Jeff Saturday as a head coach. Just need MCAfee as a Special teams coach and Peyton. You know Peyton is always behind Jeff. He’s next.
“If the Cardinals win, I will draw Larry Fitzgerald”
Oww….
Disgusting Week of 2023: Trash/Garbage/Rubbish Week
Disgusting Week of 2024: Bees Week
Disgusting Week of 2025: Dirt/Mud Week
Disgusting Week of 2026: Grotesque Weekend
Disgusting Week of 2027: In Honor of All the Past Disgusting Weeks
DANG IT
*Grotesque Week
If we’re getting gross like this can we also have the Joe Buck’s Disgusting Act of the Week™ week?
As it turns out…
WHEN THE BILLS PLAY AGAINST THE JETS AND DOLPHINS
ONLY A DOLLAR BILL IS GOOD FOR FOUR QUARTERS!
Ahem
The eagles could either pull a 2021–22 Murray State Racers men’s basketball team, losing early in the playoffs, or pull a 1972 Dolphins, having an easy schedule but still go all the way to the Super Bowl and win.
Or they could pull off a 2020 Pittsburgh Steelers, stumbling late in the season with several losses but still get just another win and clinch the division, ultimately losing in the first round.
why don’t you pick the Texans so you can draw Brian Dabutt?
Also an idea: If the Rams win, you should draw Matthew Stafford and Aaron Donald as Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion in WAP video.
>If the Broncos win, I will draw tiny Russ with a normal sized ass
This concept is absolutely brilliant. I’m picturing literally just a normal butt with a teeny tiny Russ sprouting from it. Yet again you’ve got me almost wanting a team I absolutely despise to win just for the sake of a drawing.