CARTOON BETS WEEK 4 – It’s Just A Back Injury
NOTE: The site has been having technical slowdown problems this past week. Im working on it. It’s been agonizing, and I may not be able to fully update everything for a bit. Please have patience as I work on it.
Redeemed, Sixburgh. Redeemed.
Things are finally starting to make some sense. The pieces are falling into place. Everything is becoming clear, except for Tua, who cannot remember where he is. I’ll have to inevitably make a comic on that this week.
So what’s up in the NFL this week? What’s the scoop? Who’s a fraud? Who is mid? Most of the league is mid. We don’t have a lot of frontrunners and we don’t actually have a lot of nightmares yet. Still early, so they will show themselves over time, but usually, we have a little more dichotomy at this stage. It’s pretty even. Maybe this is a result of the fewer preseason games allowing squads to coalesce sooner.
THE GOOD
-The Bengals are back on track from the looks of it, they beat up a Jets team last week and then went and beat the hottest team in the AFC on a 4 day turnaround. This wasn’t entirely their own doing, of course, the Dolphin’s chances went up in smoke the instant Tua went down, but the Bengals finding their footing in a muddled and mid-AFCN is good news for them. They could be in first place by the end of week 5 with some favorable results.
-The Giants! The Giants are 3-1 and honestly, I’m pretty happy with them. Do I think they are playoff contenders? No. Are the injuries piling up? Yes. Can anyone catch a football? No. But Saquon is looking like his rookie of the year self again and this is the first time in about a decade I’m not constantly mad at the playcalling. I think this might actually be a good coaching staff currently held back by a lack of talent. I’m…optimistic for next year? We won’t do much in 2022 thanks to the holes in the roster, but I’m already pleased by the direction we are going.
-The Titans! The Titans came out of the gate in horrific fashion but like the Bengals, have salvaged the rough start in a bad division to regain consciousness. I also don’t see them being much of a threat this year but they don’t have much divisional competition outside the equally flawed Jaguars.
-The Bills! The Bills almost slammed down to 2-2 after the hottest start after two weeks, but they came back to show they are still the big man on AFC campus. If they can stay reasonably healthy and get a few dudes back, they remain the biggest threat.
-The Jets! The Jets have farted themselves to 2-2 and while nobody has any expectations and beating the Steelers isn’t a high mark of quality (more on that later), if they had been 0-4 at this point nobody would have batted an eye. Wilson is back, they scored points, and can play with a little bit of house money. Good for them.
-The Eagles are scary as hell.
-The Cowboys are a competent team. They might not be good, certainly aren’t great, but they are competent. The week 1 gloom proved to be a mirage. I’m excited to see Dak come back, have a game worse than Cooper Rush, and the fanbase tears itself apart
-The Chiefs came out against the Bucs like a bat out of hell. Mahomes did Mahomes stuff. Chiefs still good.
THE BAD
– The Steelers are atrocious. TJ Watt might be the MVP, because in one game he tricked us into thinking that at least the defense was good. Mitch Trubisky sucks, and thankfully we won’t have to watch him anymore as they finally put Pickett in, who promptly threw a pick. At the very least, Pickett might make the offense more watchable, but this team is not good.
-The Bears are rough. Real rough. That offense cannot do anything. Justin Fields at this point smells like a bust. This team doesn’t feel like a 2-2 squad at all. This is a lost year for the Bears.
-The Colts are bad, but this isn’t really a surprise.
-The Texans are probably the team best suited for the #1 seed. They just aren’t good at anything. They have no hype or hope. I don’t know who looks at the Texans on their schedule and gets nervous. This is a bad football team who’s best performance this year was when Lovie Smith punted to play for the tie in week 1. Pathetic squad.
-The Panthers remain in a holding pattern while their plane slowly loses altitude until the moment Rhule is finally kicked out of the emergency exit door
-The Broncos feel like an 0-4 team that is somehow 2-2. They fumbled away week 1, they somehow survived weeks 2 & 3 with a little help of playing the Texans and Jimmy pulling a Dan Orlovsky, and they lost in a predictable fashion to a winless Raiders team. The Broncos are a slog to watch.
-The Saints are a mess. Just depressing to watch. They double doinked on the same kick, to lose to the Vikings. How do you have a tragic kick against the team known for tragic kicks.
-The Commies are so dull I forgot they existed and typed this bit last.
THE MID
-The Dolphins should be in the good, and maybe once Tua comes back they will be. But the past two weeks have included squeaking by a damaged Bills team and then horrific medical management leading to a loss to the Bengals. All eyes are on the Dolphins now to see if they recover from this mess. I think they will, but until Tua is back I’m a lot less scared of them.
-The Vikings have somehow won two games in back-to-back weeks it felt like they shouldn’t have won. They are 3-1, and might be in contention as the worst 3-1 team. I don’t think anyone is afraid of this squad.
-The Chargers briefly let the Texans threaten to make a comeback before they put them away. The Chargers are very mid.
-The Raiders were always better than their 0-3 record and finally finished the job. I wonder if McDaniels felt good taking it to Denver. The Broncos have yet to beat Las Vegas.
-The Seahawks! While they are also a very flawed team it’s bizarre seeing them score so many points. Geno Smith is having the time of his life, and I am deeply happy for him.
-The Lions might have the best offense in the league! Unfortunately, they also might have the worst defense in the league. This has resulted in an extremely entertaining 1-3 squad that is must-watch TV but not a must-pick bet.
-The Jaguars had a rough week in bad weather to arguably the top team in football. Trevor fumbled 4 times. Not a great showing for a team on the upswing, but a reminder that they have a ways to go.
-The Cardinals extending Steve Keim and Kliff Kingsbury might actually be low-key the biggest self-own of any team this offseason. Kliff is one thing, but Keim’s drafting has been astonishingly terrible, his saving grace has been luring some good veterans to the team. That extension might have set this team up for mediocrity long term.
-The Ravens are inspiring in how they can’t finish anything they start and John Harbaugh, bless his heart, keeps making bold endgame decisions that blow up in his face when they fail to execute and makes all the conservative football fans cream their pants
-The Packers technically won but that didn’t feel like a win, it felt like they barely escaped. They got taken down to the final play of overtime against…Bailey Zappe. In Lambeau. The offense has holes and the defense is not inspiring.
-The Falcons feel distinctly average. Good for them, because I know none of us had expectations for them.
-The Browns should have been able to beat the Falcons, and they didn’t. The win against Pittsburgh definitely feels less impressive now.
-The Bucs. Dare I say it? Tom Brady looks old? No. I can’t commit to it yet, that’s just asking for trouble.
-The Patriots feel like a well-coached bad team. They are keeping games competitive, but they just aren’t good enough.
-The 49ers beat the Rams, as expected, but they also aren’t very inspiring.
-The Rams should be better than this, but they just aren’t.
CARTOONS! I did fairly well this week and I think the results are good.
PICKS FOR WEEK 5
COLTS @ BRONCOS
Battle of the dumb horses. I think these two teams, despite their records, are basically even. Even in the fact that they should both be sent to the glue factory. On a short week I feel like I gotta go with the home team.
If the Colts win, I will draw Centaur Ryan defeating Centaur Russ in battle
GIANTS @ PACKERS
If the Giants entire offense wasn’t injured, I might actually have a little faith here. But a team already suffering on offense is now Saquon and nobody else. I can’t see them doing enough to beat even a lesser Pack squad.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as the new queen
LIONS @ PATRIOTS
Bailey Zappe about to put up 350 yards and 3 TDs on this sorry defense and fool us into thinking he’s good. Since it’s in Foxboro and the Pats defense isn’t too bad, I’ll take the Pats.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Campbell ripping Bill Belichick in half
CHARGERS @ BROWNS
Battle of two teams who are going to be on the “in the hunt” category in late-season postseason graphics. Browns I guess. Usually take the home team when I don’t know.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Herbie as Electro, shocking the Brownie
TEXANS @ JAGUARS
The Jaguars get handed a nice bounce-back game to compensate for the Eagles loss
If the Texans win, I will draw Davis Mills as a snake in the jungle
FALCONS @ BUCS
Falcons probably dont have the firepower to overcome the Bucs D
If the Falcons win, I will draw Marcus Mariota having a sexy photo shoot
STEELERS @ BILLS
The Steelers are probably going to get pummeled and I’m here for it.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Kenny Pickett planting his flag on the corpse of a buffalo
DOLPHINS @ JETS
Dunno how the Dolphins will be sans Tua, but I still have no reason to trust the Jets.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson wooing some Miami milfs
BEARS @ VIKINGS
Vikings gonna squeeze out another win against a bad team
If the Bears win, I will draw an extremely large bear about to eat Kirk
TITANS @ COMMANDERS
Wentz is very familiar with blowing games to the Titans
If the Commies win, I will draw Carson Wentz as Commander In Chief
SEAHAWKS @ SAINTS
Seahawks are fun, even if they aren’t good.
If the Saints win, I will draw Andy Dalton riding a gator in the bayou
49ERS @ PANTHERS
The Panthers are shit. Can’t pick em.
If the Panthers win, I will draw CMC carrying the team on his back
EAGLES @ CARDINALS
Bird fight! Eagles would rip a cardinal to shreds.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw a red tornado of Cardinals tearing Jalen Hurts to shreds
COWBOYS @ RAMS
The Cooper Rush story has to run into a problem eventually, right?
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Cooper Rush cowboy riding a bucking ram
BENGALS @ RAVENS
The Ravens almost have to win this. They keep looking incredible for a half and then falling to pieces. Not sure why, but it’s a problem.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joey the Tiger putting his cigar out on a raven’s face
RAIDERS @ CHIEFS
Raiders are boned
If the Raiders win, I will draw Josh McDaniels as Mator, best buddies with Derek Car
You forgot the patriots for the grading section
I, too, have no idea how to grade them, and know Dave irrationally hates them, but not including them as even in the league seems a little harsh :p
The Patriots cannot be graded. We’re in year three of “What the fuck is this team?”
That being said, Mac Jones better get his ass back on the field ASAP because if Zappe plays against the Lions he’s taking his job. Not because he’s better but the Lions will make him look like the second coming of Tom Brady.
Lol yes
OMG HOW AM I GETTING FETURED
THE STELLERS COULDENT WIN FOR MY DEAD CAT HIENZ WHO DIED YESTERDAY MORNING WHY CANIDA WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
hi Dave i am SIXBRUG’SBROTHER an i whan to see the steerlers to win more becaus of what would hapen so, not a dumbass! and pls make me on the comic.
If there was a tier in between bad and mid I’d have to say the Steelers should be in it. Granted I still think this’ll be Tomlin’s first losing/last place season (Bengals appear to have largely righted themselves, Ravens too good to keep blowing leads, Browns got this far with Brissett), but they’ve finally ripped off the Trubisky band-aid a full two and a half weeks earlier that I’d have thought going in. Honestly if two very close challenges went the other way (mainly the out-of-bounds catch by Dionte Johnson, but possibly also on the Hall TD) the Steelers would have won, and even the three Pickett picks had extenuating circumstances (it’s possible the first was on Claypool (though I don’t think so), the second looked to be more on Friermuth and the last was a hail Mary (whadda you want, it’s a a Hail Mary). OTOH the Steelers won’t be gifted anything as easy as the Jets for a while.
I find it funny people are using this week to say Brady is old. The loss was ST fumbles and 3 total yards in rushing.
Mahomes: 62% completion rate, 249 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT.
Brady: 75% completion rate, 385 yards, 3 TD, 0 INT.
Now, here’s the funny part. Brady did play badly in the first 3 weeks, but because the 2 first were wins no one was saying anything.
I still can’t say if it’s really Brady or just the horrific playcalling by Tampa. They’re so insistent on forcing the run that it puts the offense in terrible situations. Their offense is painfully predictable and it’s almost entirely dependent on Brady pulling an all-time throw out of his ass on money downs to function because they almost exclusively work from 3rd and long.
Last night they finally started letting Brady throw the ball early and often (albeit because they went down big almost immediately) and aside from Brady completely missing a blitz off the edge, he looked great. But the defense couldn’t stop a 3rd down and the Chiefs ran laps around them. Hopefully this game will be the impetus for the offense to change its strategy. Then we can get a true gauge of whether Brady is finally over the hill or not.
Brady will never be over the hill. Also, he’s going through a rough patch in his personal life and a football-playing automaton he might be but that stuff’s bound to have its impact on the field, so even if you could get a proper gauge on how he’s playing, it still wouldn’t let you know if he’s truly over the hill or if it’s just the off-field stuff bothering him
That’s fair. The reason I hesitate to outright say that he’s not over the hill is because I’m a fan of the guy. If you asked me I’d say he’s looked fine so far, but that could just be my bias talking. I can see the off the field issues having an impact but I feel like it’s overblown. He knew what he was getting into. His numbers are down primarily because of horrible playcalling and injuries.
I think the playcalling might be intentional tho, predictable runs keep the pass rush away from your 45 year old quarterback and if they want to go for another ring you absolutely have to plan around the elderly person under center not takin all that many hits during the regular season. Would it be better if the runs actualy worked? Absolutely, but look at the competition Tampa played so far, those arent exactly gimme games
I agree with you there. Obviously the Bucs don’t want Brady to have to throw the ball 700+ times like he did last year. But like, if the run isn’t working, it’s just not working. Their issue is that they continue to try to force it even when it’s very apparent that it’s only hurting them. They’re one of the worst teams in the league when it comes to 1st/2nd down runs yet they just keep doing it.
So the plan is instead to make sure the defence has regular 3rd and longs where they can just pin their ears back and attack the 45-year-old statue? Okay chief
If the Lions win, can Dan Campbell rip Matt Patricia in half instead? (Or just both?)
Maybe he could be in the process of ripping one of them in half while the other is laying on the floor, already torn in half
That jets comic is the best worst thing you’ve ever done
Well put, and I agree.
It will be the 2nd best worst thing, though, if the Raiders win this week…
“milf slayer” literally still loling
A couple of weeks ago I saw someone in a customized MILFSON Jets jersey, so some elements of their fan base are embracing the joke at least.
Electro Herbie shocking Hobgoblin Brownie.
This was my family’s reaction to Kenny coming out on the field “OH MY GOD HE’S OUT HE’S OUT”
Hey when is the IR opening i need to se TJ watt there.
Did you know we chose to sign Mitch over Cam Newton
I will say this – Seattle ended up getting Geno and he’s gonna take their fans like Tannehill did for the Titans – get them farther than they ever expected, and wish he could just get them over the hump. (He won’t.)
Geno must have heard me talkin mad shit about the Seachickens only contending for the first overall pick this season, idk what happend in Seattle this offseason but the team looks like it improved almost everywhere. The line can suddenly block, the run is functional and theres actual recievers catching balls instead of Russel forcing it to DK every 2nd play. And Geno is looking good too, turns out the man can actualy (somewhat) ball if you dont put him at the helm of a trashcan like the Jets and gameplan for his weaknesses…
Exactly! And take them further away from draft positions that they desperately need. Seattle is objectively a bad team. Good young prospects, but generally pretty bad. They need to start drafting a lot better after more than a few duds and the whole Jamal Adams debacle. Problem is, if Geno keeps this up, they’ll be SOL for drafting any of the top guys this year unless they pay a buttload to move up!
“vikings gonna squeeze out another win”
Reminded me of an old Frantics sketch from the ’80s that manifested itself this year … in preseason, Bears squeezed out Browns
Did you know that Kirk’s record for games he started in is 60-60-2 PERFECTLEY BALENCED AS ALL THINGS SHOULD BE WHAT A FUCKING LEDGEND
If the Bengals win, can Joe B wear his flower suit in the cartoon?
Kenny looked good out there! Not good enough to beat the bills, bucs, fins, or eagles good, but a good rookie start that energized all the other players on the field. By my count, 2 TD drives, a hail mary int, a rookie int off of muth’s hands, and an int because claypool can’t contested catch.
I’m really here because I watched Saquon run 8 minutes of nothing but wildcat QB, and demand the draw play for it! 🙂
STEELERS @ BILLS
“The Steelers are probably going to get pummeled and I’m here for it.”
Why do you hate the Steelers Dave? I don’t see anything to hate about them.
As a Texans fan, it’s like I’m back in High School sleeping with guys again. I keep hoping to orgasm, but come away unsatisfied. Like my older sister told me guys are shit at sex in High School, ie we knew the Texans would be bad, but in the heat of the moment and you get close you forget for just a moment, you start to get shivers, think you’re going to cum. Then its over and you leave disappointed and unsatisfied.
Of course I turned out to be a Lesbian, so maybe Texans should go gay as well? I dunno the metaphor stop working when it gets to a solution
Dude, Dave, don’t lead a rant off like that. You are currently in the running for Last Comic Standing.
Almost every other webcomic I read has gone into hiatus, or ended: Sandra & Woo (Novil isn’t well), Three Panel Soul (Ian & Matt aren’t too bad, but they’ve been quiet recently), Real Life (Mae’s site isn’t even there at the mo) and MegaTokyo (although to be fair it IS Piro, so it’s kinda hard to tell sometimes).
It’s between you and Scandinavia And The World right now.
Does this mean that in the event of a tie you will force both teams out of existence?
For the Bears, the rest of the season is the 4th preseason game. It really was at the start of the season but it still is now. The magical giant cap space next year coupled with having our picks will help in this regard, which Poles should absolutely be lauded for.
Mustipher has played his way out of Chicago. I can’t stand to watch him whiff blocks again as a CENTER. How do you whiff as a CENTER? Literally a man is directly in front of you waiting for you to move. HOW. DO. YOU. WHIFF? Kyler Gordon is going to be another project i’m afraid…..*sigh*…..lump him on the pile next to Kindle Vildor. The front 7 needs aid (Both DT, at least 1 non-Roquan LB) and the OL needs emergency backup. Hopefully with the cap space and picks we can get people in next year that can elevate the team. Everyone’s on the Fields Panicwagon but it’s way too early. Russ Wilson thrived on the backyard ball offense and they won a title out of it. Took him 3 years to get comfortably seated. Give Fields time.
you forgot tie.
like seriously, the broncos-colts game looks more possibly tied.