Cal McNair Speaks To Jesus
One of the joys of this comic is getting to see how a lot of my work ages in real time. On Halloween 2017, in lieu of a Joe Buck joke, I gave Houston some love. I posted it right before the Astros’ world series win. The Texans now had Deshaun Watson. The Rockets were championship contenders. Houston was a sports city on the rise. Little did any of us know, that second panel would come true. Someone who loves Houston sports found a monkeys paw and wished for that world series. Houston has been paying for it ever since.
The Astros went from darlings to cheating bastards, tainting their impressive championship run. Now they are one of baseball’s pariahs, hated and disrespected by all. Villains. The Rockets? Never reached the finals, coming the closest just 6 months later when they choked in game 7 of the western conference finals after bricking 27 threes in a row. Then the unrest started. Chris Paul was dealt. Westbrook came in. The team underperformed again. Now Westbrook is gone and James Harden forced his way to Brooklyn to join Kevin Durant. The future of the Rockets looks bleak. At least they have *checks notes* John Wall after two years of injury? Boogie Cousins? Good luck with that.
But you’re not here to talk basketball. You’re here for football and the disaster currently unfolding that is the Texans. In 2017 Houston appeared to have the first decent Belichick tree coach and a franchise QB. Watt was beginning his decline but was still good. The defense was set. A year or two and this team could compete. They almost did. Then they ran into Patrick Mahomes and since then nothing has gone right. The coach who choked the playoffs away got a promotion to GM. He traded away the best WR in football for peanuts. He traded away a stud LT because he refused to pay him, then traded more picks for a different stud LT that commands even more money. He got in a feud with JJ Watt, Texans royalty. The team sucked ass and he was fired after 4 weeks. “Well, that’s the end of that error”, we all thought. We were wrong.
Turns out the issues run much deeper. Jack Easterby, a former pastor (yes, pastor) for the Patriots and who looks like Jeff Bezos and Dobby had a child has wormtongued his way into the ear of Cal McNair, the failson owner of the Houston Texans as the vice president of football operations. He has proceeded to cause a tremendous rift in the organization. When Deshaun signed a huge deal in September (after Nuk was traded), he probably did so under the impression he was now valuable to the franchise and would rightfully get a say in the direction of the team. Easterby appears to have undermined that. The new GM, Nick Caserio, the guy they wanted to hire two years ago, is from the Patriots just like Pastor Bezos. They hired him without input from Deshaun and he was rightfully mad about it. They then started their coaching search without looking at Eric Bienemy, the widely considered favorite.
This nonsense and disrespect to Watson now has him and Pastor Bezos at an impasse. Watson has threatened to never play another snap for the team. Basically ever single person on earth except for failson McNair has recognized that Easterby needs to get thrown out a window immediately. The Texans may end up trading one of the best QBs in the league because this bozo has the owner by the ear. There are photoshops online of Watson on almost every team. The Jets seem like the most believable partner, though the Dolphins have also been rumored since apparently half a season of not being a god at football has turned many of them against Tua already. This past weekend the fans tried to hold a rally to keep Deshaun in Houston, which Watson himself requested not happen due to Covid. I wouldn’t blame you for speculating that he also requested it stop because he’s fed up and wants to leave.
The Texans are now reportedly going to interview Bieniemy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they hire him simply to squash the problem. Bieniemy hasn’t been quite as hot a prospect as expected so far; he has questions about how important he actually is in the KC offense and some unfortunate past transgressions that seem to be amplified due to racist undertones as the league once again hires plenty of bland white dudes. Deshaun may get his man all along but there is a distinct feeling in the air that it won’t be for the right reasons, and the trust between owner and player is likely permanently damaged unless McNair comes to his senses soon and throws Pastor Bozo into Galveston Bay.
All in all, it’s a bad time to be a Houston sports fan.
The Browns Organization: “Finally. A worthy opponent.”
Dude. We just finished a season 12-6. We have our coach, a top 5 quarterback, a GM who pieced most of the team together over two stints including a fantastic 2020 draft, and an incredibly impressive offense. We’re poised to be contenders for the next few years at least. We’re not competing with the imploding Texans.
Just add a few more things to that defense and maybe help Baker a bit more, and you’re here to stay. That being said, he was probably talking about the Browns organization from a few years ago.
Also, how do you change your gravatar? Mine looks hideous
(he means before this year you had over a decade of failings now we get to head there to whoo hoo )
Someone had to take up the crown
(In no particular order) Deshaun, Rodgers, Wilson, Herbert, Matt Ryan (arguably), Prescott, Josh Allen, Mahomes.
Not to poop on Baker, because he’s awesome, but he ain’t a top five player. Top ten probably. Not no. Not top five.
Let’s pump the brakes on the Herbert hype train, shall we? It’s only a one-year sample size. Unless memory fails me, Mayfield also set records his rookie year and even until the week before they ripped the Steelers a new one people were still doubting him
One year does not absolve all history. As exciting as this year was for the Browns, success is hard to roll over year to year.
Can you do something for me? Ignore this year for one moment. Is this the best organization in football? Not even close. Yes. I love the Browns. Yes I’ve been the Browns fan for years. No. I don’t have short term memory loss.
It does appear as though you do…
In furtherance of your point, I give you the 2016/17 NY Giants. Amid years of underwhelming mediocrity, they went 11-5, Oh Hell F#% ‘im, Jr. led the boys on a boating trip, dropped his way to a playoff loss, and the next year, when they went 3-13, their coach & gm were both fired.
I don’t expect the Browns to drop like that, but you’re spot on, sir. One good season don’t mean @#$%.
PHILIP RIVERS RETIRED YOU GOTTA MAKE A COMIC BOUT THIS
The final appearance of Ringless Rivers? Man…
The Dolphins are rumoured because Salguero is making shit up as usual and Chris Mortensen reported that Deshaun wants to play for the Dolphins
The issue with trading for Watson is that the assets that a team would have to give up just to acquire him would mean that they already need to at least be a contender or damn near close to actually make it work, because you’re not going to be able to build around him any time soon. I could see San Francisco being that team given that they’re actually a very good roster when healthy, but even then, their WR corps is somewhat weak. Not bad, but nothing special.
Colts. Deshaun, go to the colts. Win many super bowl. Make houston mad
Go take yourself to Gary, and gargle water from the most polluted part of their shoreline.
“It’s a bad time to be a Houston sports fan” describes an awful lot of history, actually. Mickey Hershkowitz of the Houston Post was lamenting as much 40 years ago.
I do find it interesting that the Rockets and Texans are both facing complete demolitions and rebuilds after trading their stars even though the Rockets gave their star as much power as he wanted while the Texans didn’t give their star any power.
Even so, the Texans ought to give Watson pretty much whatever he wants to stay. The alternatives are not only bad for the Texans as a football team, they are bad for the Texans as a business. We shall see, the McNairs have long been true believers in Patriots-associated people and they may have to shun a few of them to keep Watson and move forward.
I thought it was Charlie Whitehurst, though I wondered what he had to do with the current mess in Houston
You shouldn’t wave off Bieniemy’s transgressions like they’re nothing. Several cases of assault, rape allegations, as well as bullying allegations.
Add to the fact that the last two KC OCs hired turned out to be meh at best and Bieniemy doesn’t call plays and there is cause to pause.
So don’t wave it off as racism, especially when teams were lining up to get Robert Saleh.