BETS FOR WEEK 2: JETS WIN BOOGALOO
I can’t believe the Jets won that game. I had to go back and re-do the Chaometer on the last post to account for the absolute nonsense last night. Outstanding work by the Jets. To send Rodgers to the locker room after 4 snaps? Brilliantly set us up for the subversion of Zach Goddamn Wilson leading the Jets to a win. THE JETS! With a walkoff punt return in overtime! What a game! CHAOS REIGNS SUPREME!
We might need to have a conversation about Josh Allen and the Bills. We gave them a lot of slack, but they’ve been slumping it since at least the second half of last year. Something is rotting there.
Anyway, BETS FOR WEEK 2
VIKINGS @ EAGLES
Vikings got obliterated by the Eagles last year and I don’t see this game going any differently.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Phat Dumpy Kirk grilling some Eagle steaks
RAVENS @ BENGALS
This one is tough, because the Ravens had a bit of a pyrrhic victory against the woeful Texans and I doubt the Bengals are as bad as they looked last week. So I’ll pick the home team here.
If the Ravens win, I will draw a gigantic kaiju crab destroying downtown Cincinnati
SEAHAWKS @ LIONS
I think the Seahawks are on the road to regression. I am drinking the Lions kool-aid.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith vandalizing the grave of Henry Ford
COLTS @ TEXANS
I think the Colts are a bit further along in their new form than the Texans are. The Texans couldn’t reach the endzone at all against Baltimore, but the Colts actually gave Jacksonville a scare.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud from the top rope
BEARS @ BUCS
The Bears entered last week with a lot of hype and confidence only to look like the exact same terrible, poorly run Bears squad they looked like last year. I’m gonna be honest, I think Justin Fields won’t pan out and Eberflus was a bad hire. The Bucs aren’t good but they got a little swagger going now.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Winnie the Pooh
CHIEFS @ JAGUARS
The Jaguars can probably hang with the Chiefs but I have my doubts that they can win this one. They aren’t quite there, and the Chiefs would have to have another terrible performance by the WR corps to give the Jaguars a good shot. Curious to see how the Chiefs look with Kelce and Jones back in the lineup.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Thirst Trap Trevor as Flo from Progressive, shaming state farm
PACKERS @ FALCONS
This game should tell us a lot more about the Packers than the Bears game did. I’m gonna sit quietly and give the Falcons my blessing like a fool.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love Train, the Love Train
RAIDERS @ BILLS
Oh boy. The Bills might be in decline, the window already shutting. Josh Allen might be our next Philip Rivers. Something is rotten. However the Raiders still suck and the win over Denver wasn’t impressive at all.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Handsome Jimmy decked out in a Raiders zubaz suit
CHARGERS @ TITANS
The Titans are bad. The Chargers will win this because they like to win games when nobody is watching.
If the Titans win, I will draw Ryan Tannehill as Barbenheimer
49ERS @ RAMS
The Rams came out swinging against the Seahawks but the 49ers are a different breed. Stafford might die again.
If the Rams win, I will draw Matt Stafford mooning the Golden Gate Bridge
GIANTS @ CARDINALS
Well this looks way scarier than it did two days ago. The Giants are probably not as bad as they looked against Dallas and that game went into a nightmare scenario immediately. If they can control the clock and run the ball and not be forced to pass from behind, I think they can take care of the Cardinals.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Daniel Jones as Prometheus, being pecked to death by Cardinals
JETS @ COWBOYS
Well if Rodgers was still in I might have picked the Jets, but I can’t in good faith trust Zach Wilson no matter how the Bills game went.
If the Jets win, I will draw Zach Wilson surrounded by Cowgirls of distinguished age
COMMIES @ BRONCOS
Broncos bad still. Im sticking with my “Commies start hot” prediction.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Mr Unlimited
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
Mac Jones, the world’s most mid-tier Quarterback. The most top-of-the-bell-curve guy you could possibly imagine.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Mac Jones as a hunter harpooning a Dolphin trying to Free Willy himself over a wall
SAINTS @ PANTHERS
I dunno what to make of either of these teams. I guess I’ll go Saints?
If the Panthers win, I will draw Tiny Bryce Young as the baby on a king cake
BROWNS @ STEELERS
Lord help me am I going to pick the Browns? In primetime? Away? Against a hated rival? No I will not. Go Steelers.
If the Browns win, I will draw Steeley McBeam passing the Rapist QB torch to the Brownie
A TIE
Both QBs as CatDog
I think ESPN is in a bigger pit than you are right now. They spent so much off the off season on the Rodgers hype train.
Consensus desired drawing of the week should be a Denver win
All I’m gonna say about Washington is after the cardinals game I do not expect anything positive from here on out
That backhanded Browns hate is SS+
Deshaun Watson is a Sexual Predator.
Sincerely,
Browns Fan.
“Mac Jones, the world’s most mid-tier Quarterback. The most top-of-the-bell-curve guy you could possibly imagine.”
Damn, and in a league that has Kirk Cousins in it.
I always root against the queefs, but I’m gonna do it a little harder this week because I wanna see State Farm get shat on.
Man I really wanted Rodgers to suck this year but not like this.
Oh dear god. This is the one week I want a tie just to see that abomination.
Rams @ 49ers is this week’s FEMA game
Being played in Levi South.
If you’re going with an early 90’s clothing theme for Handsome Jimmy, since it’s the Raiders he should pair those Zubaz pants with a Triple Fat Goose winter jacket.