Barkley The Rescue Dog
There are a lot of reasons to be very unhappy about the current Super Bowl matchup. One that affects only me is that I can’t just reuse the same stupid puns I used two years ago for the previous Puppy Bowl matchup. We have pretty much the same two rosters all over again. yeah, a couple differences, but not enough that anyone outside the direct fandoms are probably going to notice. Oh No, only one Kelpie this year because the other Kelpie retired. Hooray.
So I guess just Saquon Barkley finally gets his due. I’ve had several people ask me if I’m happy for Saquon and if I want him to win a ring and fuck no. He’s an Eagle. He’s the enemy. Saquon can be the best dude on the planet as long as he wears that uniform he can lick my bones. Why should I be happy for him? He wasn’t some long-standing franchise cornerstone that gave me a ton of great memories. He was an often-injured running back who struggled to be consistent on a bad team with no support for 5 years, turned down the team’s attempt to give him a second contract, and immediately bailed for the most hated rival team. All Giants fans got out of Barkley was a marketable player, likable guy, an offensive rookie of the year award, and a single playoff win. He’s basically already eclipsed his entire Giants resume in one season in Philly. I have no loyalty to Saquon Barkley. I have infinitely more loyalty to Steve Spagnolo on the Chiefs, who at this point has done so much in a Chiefs outfit that I’m not sure Giants fans can even rightly claim him anymore.
I’m not going to hate him if the Eagles win, and I don’t judge him very much for doing the smartest thing for his career while my own team was deeply incompetent. But I am absolutely, unequivocally, never going to root for him as long as he wears that uniform. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that. I hope he fumbles 10 times and has the worst super bowl a player has ever had.
Anyway POST YOUR PUPPY PUNS
Vikings legend Daniel Bones
Malick Nabers
Tybone Tracy
Spayden Daniels
Bone Nix
Marvin Hairy son Jr
Quinyon Bitchell
Nate Waggins
Ricky Peesall
Ladd McCorgi
Pooper DeJean
Drake Maye Pee on the Rug
Nick Bowwowsa
Ja’Marr Chasing His Tail
I know this is the usual puppy bowl comic, and Monday will be Super Bowl, but I’m hoping we get a comic over break about the Moose-t Valuable Player
If this happens, I now hope it includes “Slick Rick [from] the mailroom” (who does sound like a pretty great guy)
I don’t want to belittle anyone, but people actually ask you if you’re happy for Saquon?? If ANYONE came up to me who followed football and asked if I’d be happy about that little f#%face getting a ring, they’re getting punched in the face, lol. What a STUPID question. “So this guy who totally backstabbed your team, refused to work with your – admittedly thoroughly incompetent – GM, and then went and signed with your hated rival because he’s a spiteful prick… you’re happy for him, right??? You’re happy that your incompetent GM single-handedly enabled your most hated rival to make it to the Super Bowl, aincha???”
UGH. GTFO. This isn’t like when Detroit traded away Matthew Stafford, a guy who bled for that city and handled his business with dignity and a modicum of respect. The Lions weren’t going anywhere, and they did Stafford a solid, so you could be happy for the guy and still root for Detroit. Sh#%tquon, on the other hand… refused multiple fair offers from the Giants given how often he was injured and how poorly the RB position is valued. Schoen is an asshat, sure, but Saquon is still an a#$hole. I hope he is the first player in Super Bowl history to fumble the ball every time he touches it, and he finishes the game with a statline of 15 touches, 15 fumbles, -56 yards. F@#% that guy 15 ways to Sunday.
I live near DC and have had to deal with Redskins/WFT/Commanders fans for decades. You sound like they do vis-à-vis Kurt Cousins: how dare he turn down an offer from Dan Snyder and Bruce Allen!
For me, it’s not that he turned them down, it’s HOW he did it. He took it as a mortal offense, he strung them along and acted like a petulant child about it. How DARE they treat him like a guy who was constantly injured and playing a position that doesn’t command big dollars.
He went out of his way to end up in Philly just to spite the Giants. Which, fine, you do you, but don’t expect me to respect you for being a selfish prick on your way out the door.
I really can’t judge him for making what was clearly the best decision for his future in picking Philly, but the audacity to think Giants fans wouldn’t be upset about it, lmao, comon guy. Don’t be stupid. You made your choice knowing exactly what that choice was.
Yeah is a mystery why he wasn’t enthused at being lowballed by a terrible team that openly valued him less than their ass qb *after* they had already franchise tagged him once
I honestly don’t have any issues with him wanting out, or wanting a bigger contract. My issue with him was explicitly about how he went about it. He kept saying the Giants never offered him a fair deal, but they made several very fair offers based on where the RB position was valued at the time coupled with his CONSTANT injury history.
It’s totally his right to not take the deal and force his way out, but OWN that narrative. Come out and say, “Look, I just don’t want to be here anymore.” Don’t lie and pretend the Giants were offering you the most underwhelming contract in the world, because that is not the case. Even just yesterday, his trainer came out and said the Giants offered him more money than Philly, and he chose Philly. Again, that’s fine, you do you, but don’t try and twist the narrative to make it look like the Giants didn’t offer you fair value and you were just so desperate to stay a Giant, but they were the ones who shoved you away. Dude does more spinning off the field than he does on it.
OK maybe I missed something, but … did he really turn down a *better* offer from NYG? Whether or not NYG thought the offer was “fair” … unless he took something significantly lower elsewhere, you’re only worth what you’re paid, and “fair” is whatever someone’s willing to pay you.
If he took an offer with lesser take-home pay with Washington or Dallas, I’d be willing to concede that it might be spite. But it could also be financial anyway. The take-home pay part is important; IIRC Texas has no state income tax and lower cost of living so the same dollar value would give you higher take-home, right?
But he went to a city in a state that he lived in from age 4 on. My own guess is that “going home” was a big deal for him, more than screwing over his past employer.
You didn’t miss anything. I was just being extra-polite with my comment, and hoping that people would pick up on the fact that, contrary to what Bruce Allen apparently believed, his name is Kirk, not Kurt.
If you run somebody out of town, don’t be surprised when they leave town.
Except if what Barkley’s trainer said is anything to go by, the Giants didn’t exactly run him out.
I say the bigger issue is that people seem to forget the Giants sucked even with him, not to mention the guy wouldn’t have that kind of season had he stayed with us.
George likens
Justin fields upstate
cam neuter
Brock Howlers
How could you forget Bark Bowers, it was right there
Brock Bowwow-ers?
I honestly think my favorite part of these rants is just how one-sided the rivalry is. Giants fans absolutely abhor the Eagles. Us? “Are you the Cowboys? No? Then we don’t think about you.”
My wife is a Giants fan from North Jersey, and we shrug when it comes to any perceived “rivalry.” Then again, we both hate Eagles fans. Which helps. Go Birds.
As long as you beat the NFL’s Yuuzhan Vong aka the Chiefs, it’s fine by me.
Even if it means EDP celebrating.
I asked Chat GPT for to give puppy puns for every player on both rosters (names copied from Wikipedia):
Kansas City Chiefs:
Pawtrick Mahomes
Carson Waggz
Kareem Hunt-ter
Isiah Pawcheco
Sama-jee Perine (like a soft puppy whine!)
Carson Beagle FB
Marquise Hound
DeBarkdre Hopkins
Nikko Retrievigo
JuJu Sniff-Schuster
Justin Woofson
Xavier Worthy-Good-Boy
Noah Grayhound
Peyton Houndershot
Travis K9ce
Mike Corgiendo
Ethan Dris-paw-ell
C. J. Houndson
Creed Hump-hrey (like a happy pup!)
D. J. Houndphries
Wag-ya Morris
Hunter Sniff-zad
Trey Sniff
Kingsley Su-bark-taia
Jawaan Tail-wagger
Joe Thune-tail
Felix Awoo-dike-Uzomah
Mike Doga
Malik Howling
Chris Bonez
George Barklaftis
Derrick Gnaw-di
Charles Omutth-hu
Mike Paw-nnel
Tershawn Whar-tail
Nick Bone-ton
Leo Chew-nal
Cam Bonez
Drue Tranquill (such a calm pup!)
Joshua Un-leash-e
Chamarri Paw-ner
Bryan Woof
Jaden Licks
Nazeeh Jump-son
Trent McDuffy-Tail
Justin Re-bark
Christian Roll-over-Wallace
Keith Tail-or
Jaylen Wag-son
Joshua Woofiams
Matt A-woo-za
Harrison Butt-sniffer
James Win-sniff-ster
Philadelphia Eagles:
Jalen Hurts (When you step on your pup’s tail )
Tanner McPee
Kenny Pick-pet
Saquon Bark-ley
Kennel Gainwell
Will Sniff-ley
A. J. Hound
Parris Campbark
Jahan Dogson
Ainias Sniff
DeVonta Sniff
Johnny Wagson
Grant Collar-terra
Dallas Grrr-oedert
E. J. Jen-k9s
Mekhi Beagle-ton
Landon Diggerson
Nick Grrrr-ates
Fred Pawhnson
Lane Jump-son
Cam Puggens
Trevor Kee-bone
Darian Kennel-ard
Jordan Tail-ata
Tyler Sniff-en
Brett Woof
Thomas Boop-er
Jalen Cart-tail
Jordan Dog-vis
Bryce Huff-n-Puff
Moro O-paw-mo
Milton Woo-fiams
Zack Bone
Oren Barks
Jalyx Hunt-ter (always chasing squirrels)
Nolan Sniff
Josh Sweat (puppies always panting!)
Jeremiah Trot-terrier Jr.
Reed Blankensniff
Sydney Brown Dog
Lewis K9e
Cooper DogJean
C. J. Grrr-dner-Johnson
Avonte Mad-dogx
Tristin McCollie
Quinyon Mutt-chell
Eli Licks
Kelee Ringo (sounds like a puppy’s name already!)
Isaiah Roll-ers
Darius Sled-dog
Jake Smelliott
Rick Ruff-ato
Braden Mutt
That’s it. The AI said it had fun. I think these names are allright.
Using AI to do puppy puns seems like an apt metaphor for this Super Bowl matchup: No fun at all.
It’s crazy how often art imitates life…much to our own disappointment
If there is ever an apocalyptic event, civil war, or other nationwide violent conflict, I hope to god I’m on the opposite side from anyone who ever started a post, tweet, or reply with “I asked Chat GPT”
Using AI to make the puns defeats the fun of making the puns
Division Hatred just hits different. It’s a wonderful thing.
Pork Chop Nommingson
That’s all you’re getting outta me. ‘s all I can be arsed with, we’ve got the Super Bowl matchup nobody wanted. I might not even watch it; probably spend the weekend going through the Critical Role C3 finale properly, I zonked out before the break last night and there’s 8½ hours to go through.
It would’ve been kinda funny if, in a world of dog-ified humans, you’d drawn a humanized version of Luna for the last panel, just to really complete the species swap.
Geno Sniff
Ruff-sel Wilson
Devon Whimper-spoon
Jaxon Smith-Nligmaballs
Kenneth Walkies Jr.
Pawson Adebo
Gardner Minchew
Kayshon BoutteScritch
Jalen Pee Tree
Taysom Howl
Kamari Lassie-ter
Broncos Edition
Pet Surtain II
Garett Bowls
Nick Grrgulio
Nik Boneito
Wil Lickz
Lil’Jordan Humptree
Jonathan Pooper
Courtland Terrier Sutton
Ben Pee’ers
Riley Dachshund
(I can’t believe I missed this one)
Pawvonte Williams
Commies edition:
Jayden Spaniels
Jonathan Alpo
Dorance Pawstrong
Bobby Wagging
Sam Cosllie
Frenchie Luvu
Jeremy Retrieves
Treats Way
Dyami Hound
Terrier McLaurin
Barkus Mariota
Aussie Ekeler
Barky Irving
Pawson Knox
Jake Toto
Bark Purdy and George Kibble have to have been done already
Joe Burrow (some dogs burrow)
Ja’Marr Chase your tail
Chase the ball Brown
Trey-color Hendrickson
Tee-bone Higgins
Big Dom already sounds like a dog name
Drake Spay
Rookie class needed Kamari Lassie-ter