2024 WEEK 2 CHAOS REPORT: Wait are the Saints for real?
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–This was not a high chaos week. While we certainly had some unexpected winners (and I got a lot of picks wrong), most of the games were actually just…pretty good football games! Some mid-level teams put up some feisty performances to beat out quality competition. The Raiders managed to send the Ravens to 0-2. The Bengals are agonizingly competent at giving KC hell even when they don’t win. The 49ers can’t win in Minnesota and suffered some unfortunate injuries…but so did Minnesota! The Patriots and Seahawks ground out a football game from the 90’s. The Rams injuries are clearly substantial and the Cardinals found out why Marvin Harrison Jr is who he is. The Packers managed to pull off the win and Malik Willis actually has a positive NFL game under his belt. Meanwhile the Cowboys laid an egg and the Jaguars…something is rotten. Lastly, and unfortunately, the Dolphins are now in a pickle after Tua suffered yet another terrible head injury.
GIANTS CORNER
–I think Brian Daboll and Joe Schoen are fired at the end of the year, and I am perfectly fine with that happening. After year one we had reason to be optimistic. After last year there was reason to worry but plenty of reasons to be patient. After two games this year I have sufficiently run out of patience. Joe Schoen had a large hill to climb out of the Gettleman pit and no GM is perfect. All he needed to do was hit more than he missed. To have successes bigger than failures. I think he has failed. The two best players on the team are Dex and Thomas, both Gettleman picks. Kayvon is a non-entity, arguably a bust. Neal is a bust. He let Saquon walk, he let McKinney walk, and he gave Daniel Jones a terrible contract based on one fluke season. He hit on Bobby Okereke, and the offensive line does appear to be functional now, but Brian Burns has been nothing over two games, one against a Washington team he should have dominated. Instead of signing a valid competitor for Daniel Jones in the offseason (like Ryan Tannehill or something) instead of drafting a QB, he signed Drew Lock. Nabers looks like the real deal so far. We looked awful two weeks in a row due to mismanagement of injuries. Why did we not have our practice squad kicker at the ready once Gano was dealing with injury on Saturday? That led to our 3 failed conversions, and the team lost by 3 points. But even on paper some of these moves aren’t bad, which means the coaching is shit too. Our defense this year is a terrible Bend-Dont-Break mess that let a woeful Washington squad march the field 7 times for field goals while never forcing a single punt. We have this defense because of some weird divorce between Daboll and Wink Martindale that we still don’t really know the details of. Daboll made a ton of bad choices last year. I kind of wish we could fire Schoen and keep Daboll for one more season but the two are likely a package deal, and I’m not sure I’ll even feel this way as the season goes along.
Washington in week 2, as embarassing as it is, was a must-win game. Now the Giants enter a rough stretch and it won’t get better.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The Saints. Sometimes chaos is discovering something is for real. Like everyone else on the planet, I watched New Orleans destroy Carolina and thought absolutely nothing of it. The Panthers are aiming for historic levels of bad and have already given up on Bryce as of the morning I wrote this. But then the Saints went to Dallas and utterly demolished what should be a playoff contender. If we didn’t notice in week 1, we noticed now. Klint Kubiak has turned this team into an offensive monster. They look like a completely different squad. Consider me on notice.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–7 field goals. The Giants scored 3 touchdowns and lost to a team that only scored field goals.
-Marvin Harrison Jr pretty much singlehandedly beat the Rams
-Tua. Sometimes chaos isn’t fun. Trying to bowl over Damar Hamlin (of all people!) and ringing your own bell. Almost tragic.
-Darnold to Jefferson for 97 yards. Full-field length touchdowns are awesome
CHAOS WATCH
–The Ravens being 0-2 despite both games being close is shaping up to send this team into weird territory. Also…the Vikings are once again vying to be our chaos king in the north. Sam Darnold faced a real team this week instead of the Giants…and won! Without Jordan Addison! Without JJ after an injury! Is Sam Darnold truly the GEQBUS that was promised?
–The Patriots are clearly competent enough to cause problems and drag teams into playing Patriots football. It might not get a ton of Ws this year, but it is going to generate some surprises, methinks.
–The Bucs are legit. The Saints…might just be legit too.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Seahawks are 2-0 and they don’t feel like it.
-This spot was pretty much going to be the Dolphins until Tua got genuinely hurt. The Phins might not be frauds now that they have an excuse. But even before Tua went down, they looked awful against the Bills decimated defense. The Dolphins under McDaniel have been very fraudulent against any good team they face. You can’t face losers in the playoffs.
–Jaguars, are you not even mid? Can you not even pull off being mid?
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I wouldn’t panic if I were a Cowboys fan yet, but wowee was that a vintage Cowboys flop. The Saints might be good this year but Dallas is also supposed to be good, and you let that happen?
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Broncos never stood much chance against that Steelers defense but yikes. Bo is not very good. I don’t think he’s going to work out.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
PATRIOTS @ JETS
The Jets have not been inspired. They sucked against San Fran and squeezed out against the Titans. The Patriots have punched above their weight. I’ll with the home team to be safe, but I would not be surprised to see the Pats take this.
If the Pats win, I will draw Aaron Rodgers in his darkness retreat: a coffin
GIANTS @ BROWNS
The Browns offense was once again dismal against the Jaguars. However that defense is still good, and Daniel Jones is a pile of shit. I just hope the Giants defense can’t manage to not make Deshaun look good even for one week.
If the Giants win, I will draw Malik Nabers as a State Farm agent, not covering the Browns disaster
EAGLES @ SAINTS
The Eagles are not wowing me this year. I am going to switch to the New Orleans hype train. Do not let me down, Derek!
If the Eagles win, I will draw Saquon Barkley as a literal Eagle
TEXANS @ VIKINGS
The Darnold has impressed me, but I remain skeptical. The Texans remain a good pick for me even at an away game. Maybe I just want more chances to draw The GEQBUS.
If the Vikings win, I will draw THE GEQBUS on the campaign trail
BRONCOS @ BUCS
The Bucs are fun to watch. It’s great. The Broncos are not fun to watch. It’s bad.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix eating Baker
PACKERS @ TITANS
Malik Willis revenge game? Are the Packers going to pull a 2022 Cowboys and lose their franchise QB in a week 1 loss and then win a bunch of games anyway with a backup nobody respects?
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis diving into a mayo swimming pool. Look a lot of Titans bets are going to be Mayo okay
BEARS @ COLTS
The Colts inspired in week 1. They did not inspire in week 2. But the Bears offensive line is atrocious and Caleb cannot yet pull off his PAC12 nonsense against grown men, if these two weeks are anything to go by.
If the Bears win, I will draw a scary Bear ripping a my little pony Colts horse in half
CHARGERS @ STEELERS
The grit and grind Chargers come up against the immovable wall. This might be a good game! I’ll stick with my boy Harbaugh though.
If the Steelers win, I will draw Jim Harbaugh trying to do his pre-game slapping against the steel curtain
DOLPHINS @ SEAHAWKS
The Seahawks get to face Skylar Thompson. I do not expect good things to happen for Miami.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Skylar Thompson leaping out of the water and doing a trick
PANTHERS @ RAIDERS
Do the Panthers even count as a football team? At this point we should be on Andy Dalton starting watch. Please note, I wrote that previous sentence on Sunday night lmao.
If the Panthers win, I will draw The Red Rifle, shooting Bryce Young at a carnival shooting gallery booth
49ERS @ RAMS
I wonder if Sean McVay regrets not retiring with Donald yet.
If the Rams win, I will draw the local hospital celebrating
LIONS @ CARDINALS
This looked silly two weeks ago. Now I’m not so sure. Still gotta pick the established team but Cards are indeed frisky.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Marvin Harrison Jr as the man with no name
RAVENS @ COWBOYS
I think the Ravens offensive line is going to get blown up and Baltimore goes 0-3 and into panic mode.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Jerry Jones big mad
CHIEFS @ FALCONS
Kirk Cousins when Chris Jones walks up the middle of the pocket to him: Oh no! *dies*
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirk crushing Kermit between those mighty cheeks
JAGUARS @ BILLS
The Jaguars are lookin like some big ass.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence eating buffalo wings…sensually
COMMIES @ BENGALS
The Bengals are going to piss me off this year aren’t they? I can feel it. Still going Bengals.
If the Commies win, I will draw Jayden Daniels as Vladimir Lenin
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs as a monster man with two heads
Eagles sneakily need to be on fraud watch too. Siriani choosing to pass was a bone headed decision that basically cost them the game. They looked good week 1 but last night looked straight out of their collapse last year
If you mean the 4th Q play, no, that was a fine decision. It was “If Saquan is open, pass it to him, otherwise keep the ball, and we’ll kick the FG and go up by 6pts anyway”. Barkley was *WIDE OPEN*, he just… dropped it.
Now, if you mean the *1st Quarter*, 4th-and-4-at-the-9 decision, instead of just kicking the FG and putting up points, they took a TO, then ran a completely idiotic play that had no shot of ever succeeding. Don;t get cute at the beginning of the game, it very rarely accomplishes anything good. (And, gee, those 3 points would have come in *REALLY* handy at the end of the game…)
But even with all of that, how the hell does a defense let an offense, that they’ve bottled up all game, and has no TOs, drive 70 yards in a minute? There’s no excuse for that.
Something I noticed about hard knocks is every single meeting Daboll laid back on a couch and put his feet up. No matter who he was meeting with. I think he thinks it makes him seem chill and cool but in reality he’s just a jerk.
Agree with you, Dave. I’m almost more annoyed at these two than I was with Gettleman and Shurmur/Judge, because at least those guys kinda showed you they were gonna be tools out of the gate. Daboll and Schoen had that first magical half season to pump everyone up. It’s been 9-18-1 since.
If Mara were competent (spoiler alert: he’s NOT), he’d tell them Jones is sitting at this point to avoid kicking in the injury guarantee, and if they even want to sniff keeping their jobs, they turn things around QUICK. By game 7 or 8, if the team is in freefall, I’d fire Daboll and see if Kafka can make magic happen for the remaining games.
But for the love of God, Mara… DO NOT HIRE TRIARCH BELICHO. He is now super old and out of touch, just look at how he handled the young QBs with the Pats. Do not want.
Well, at least we know who will be coaching the Giants next year now…
Though one shouldn’t write off Kayvon yet but he needs to turn it up as a first round pick or his age will no longer be a defense for him in the near future.
And the Giants need an actual QB especially with Jones being a really expensive stop gap which is being generous. At this point the Giants’ lesser known trend of one title per decade may end here unless a miracle occurs.
“The Bengals are going to piss me off this year aren’t they. I can feel it. Still going Bengals.”
The Bengals Fans’ Mission Statement
That chaometer is criminally low, this week was insane
I thought the Saints would be much better with Carr heading there last year. The potential is starting to show and they have a legit shot at the NFC title if they keep this up. Definitely the biggest surprise thus far. Panthers look awful.
Come on, Cousins’s fat dumpy!