The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Week 1 is the week of the unknown. Week 2 is the false promise. Week 3? That’s the week that forces you to slow your roll and settle down, this season lasts several months remember? Heat Check week strikes some of those 2 win teams that earned a lot of hype and reminds us that, no, chill out. It also usually serves as a cold check week, because going 0-3 is also pretty rare in the modern NFL. This week? Heat checks came against the Chargers, who suffered some unfortunate injuries. The Saints got a massive heat check, going from the new darlings to a mess as they stumbled about in a game they were outplayed in, despite the Eagles not even being that good and often shooting themselves in the foot. The Bucs also got a big stinking heat check as the Denver Fucking Boncos flew all the way to Tampa and smothered Baker and company. You could give the Boncos the reverse heat check. Bo Nix played his first two games against the Seahawks and Steelers defenses, and both of those defenses look to be for real. Maybe Bo will be alright in time. The Giants managed to salvage the season, or at least postpone the pain, by defeating a listless Browns. But the big one? THE PANTHERS BABY. Pundits and talking heads for some reason spent much of this past week giving up Daniel Jones style excuses for Bryce Young. Oh, his o-line was bad. Oh, he had no weapons. Oh, his coaching was shit. Dalton walked into the huddle and instantly took that same roster and same coaches into a fucking beatdown of Las Vegas. Being a genuine football team is back on the menu in Carolina. Incredibly damning towards Bryce. The week didn’t end with any heat checks but the Bengals and the Jaguars are now in serious trouble.

GIANTS CORNER
–YAY! We won a game. That’s always fun. After 3 weeks the loss against the Vikings seems less damning as Minnesota is wrecking everybody, and if the team hadn’t been stupid last week about kicker injury security the Giants could realistically be 2-1. But lost in the optimism that comes with a win is the fact that they didn’t win the Commies game, they lost it, because of terrible coaching and roster management. This game too almost went sour. The Browns are disappointing this season and yet the Giants turned into a pumpkin in the second half and almost gave it up. It certainly felt like the Giants tried their damndest to hand Cleveland the game, but the Browns will Browns. Daniel Jones wasn’t very accurate or smart with the ball and can’t hit a deep shot. Singletary has been fine, even good, outside the fact that he keeps fumbling at terrible moments, which is a major problem. But credit where credit is due: the defense showed up this week, getting to Watson with the pressure and the pass rush they were supposed to have. Malik Nabers is as good as advertised and turned multiple Daniel Jones clunkers into big plays. I love that this is the week the pass rush decided to show up: fuck Deshaun Watson. With the Commies being alright and the Vikings being good, this might actually be what the Giants actually are as a team: mediocre. My hope now is that Nabers isn’t so good he manages to save Daniel Jones’ job. I already saw a ton of people drinking the kool-aid again and saying shit like “wow, look, he finally has a legit weapon and now he’s winning!” and I want to be sick. It’s fucking year 6 and he needs everything to go well to look average stop this stop this now.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The 49ers came into SoFi and took over the stands. Surely the 49ers could safely demolish the hospital ward Rams? Kyle Shanahan has owned Sean McVay for most of both of their tenures in the NFC West. The 49ers had some injuries too but still. Surely. It sure looked like a typical Same ol’ Sorry Ass Rams game as Purdy and Jauan Jennings starting to rip shit up. The Rams pulled off a fake punt and scored a TD to make the game manageable but in the 3rd Jauan Jennings struck again and the 49ers go up 14 once more. Kyren Williams manages to score again. Game is still within reach but surely the 49ers won’t blow this. The Niners add a field goal. The Rams match. The Niners miss a long field goal. Kyren Williams scores again to match Jauan and tie the game. The Rams force a punt from the Niners and get a big return with 40 seconds left. The Rams kick the field goal. Outstanding game. Just for a little bit of extra spice the 49ers hook and ladder ending play actually feels like it has a genuine chance until 54 finally throws a terrible lateral and it ends. Somewhere in the local hospital, everyone cheers. The 50 Rams fans in LA who still went and did something else check their phones and smile.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Fucking Giants fumble the opening kickoff and instantly give up a touchdown. Felt like that “here we go again” meme.
–Caleb Williams looks like he’s headed for the next in a long line of promising QBs ruined by Chicago. The Bears offense is abysmal and Williams looks lost. He’s still very entertaining to watch and if he can ever actually turn his heroics into accurate throws like other good scrambling QBs he might be salvageable but for now it’s like he closes his eyes and prays everytime he throws the ball.
–The Vikings are real. Darnold is playing his genuine best ball. Brian Flores has opposing offenses in hell. They scare me.
–The Titans were my darkhorse for the #1 pick and they’ve lived up to billing, making every loss very funny. Also at one point on Redzone Scott Hanson called the Titans coach “Dave Canales”. The Titans are coached by Brian Callahan. This team is destined to be forgotten.
–Watching the Jets handily defeat the Patriots is a sight that, even when expected, feels off somehow.
–The Ravens finally took care of business but let the Cowboys back in it. Our first successful onside of the year! Zay Flowers is a chaos machine.
–Malik Willis is just having fun out there. I was astonished by his mature response when asked about getting revenge on his former team. I’m rooting for you, Malik. Maybe it was the Titans that were the problem all along.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–INTRODUCING A NEW ADDITION TO THE CHAOS REPORT! Every week, there are usually a few moments that cause me to involuntarily let out a loud cackle because something very stupid suddenly happened. These are the lifeblood plays of small chaos. I didn’t think of this until the Falcons/Chiefs game, so everything prior to that moment has been unfortunately forgotten, but I will share the play that got me:
-Late in the 4th, the Chiefs would punt, and the Falcons returner makes one guy miss, gets shoe tackled by the second guy, and the ball pops out giving the Chiefs the ball on the 3 yard line. The call was eventually called down by contact, negating the fumble, but I woke the dog up from slumber when that ball popped out. I can’t find a good replay of it right now because the fumble got called back so nobody saved it.

CHAOS WATCH
–THE PANTHERS BABY. Now that they look like a real team again who knows what could happen!

FRAUD WATCH
–The Eagles are 2-1 and booooooy they feel like they should be at least 1-2. Sirianni should have been fired last year and eventually his stupidy will catch up to him
-Are the Cowboys frauds too? After dominating the Browns week 1 they got punched in the gut by New Orleans and then fucked around and found out against Baltimore until some late-game surges. If they lose to the Giants this Thursday, a team they have thoroughly dominated for years, it’s panic mode.
–I hesitate to call injury-riddled teams Frauds but the 49ers going 0-2 in the past two weeks has to at least set off some alarm bells. Good teams can weather injuries. Last year a few key injuries sent the Niners into a 3 game losing streak. At full strength, this team is a juggernaut. But this is football, teams are rarely full strength.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Bucs. A home game against a 0-2 Bonco team with a questionable rookie QB came out and flattened Tampa Bay. Rough stuff man, thought better of you.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The week started very poorly by subjecting us to the New England Patriots. Rodgers looked like himself, the Jets defense lived up to billing, and the Patriots offense was back to Mac Jones territory. I feel bad for Jacoby behind that line. He’s being sacrificed so Drake Maye doesn’t die yet. I thought about putting the Jaguars here but ultimately that game turned into comedy whereas the Patriots remained simply unfortunate.

 

————————————————————

BETS FOR NEXT WEEK

COWBOYS @ GIANTS
Despite having the same record with some hilarious Dallas failure I find it hard to believe this isn’t an easy Cowboys win. The Cowboys have destroyed the Giants so much over the past several seasons Danny probably has PTSD from Micah Parsons face.
If the Giants win, I will draw a Malik Nabers as a literal Giant

BENGALS @ PANTHERS
Lol this could have been a season-saving dunk for Cincy but now the Red Rifle gets to take on his former team. The game isn’t in primetime, which means Good Andy shows up. The Bengals are going to be in major panic mode after all this. I still really want to pick the Bengals here but I cannot trust these bums.
If the Bengals win, I will draw an orange tabby cat knocking over a black cat from it’s perch

SAINTS @ FALCONS
The Falcons have some fight in them. It’s wild to see Drake London and Kyle Pitts actually get targets and succeed, and Kirko has some juice left. But they are the Falcons, and I want to give the Saints a mulligan after the Eagles loss to see if they are still legit or just fluked it up.
If the Falcons win, I will draw a large Falcon attacking the pope

JAGUARS @ TEXANS
Texans looked pretty bad against the Vikings but I’m gonna chalk that up to Brian Flores. The Jaguars do not have Brian Flores. The Jaguars are reaching Urban Meyer levels.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw a Jaguar (the car) running over Ted Cruz

BRONCOS @ JETS
Well if the Jets look like they did against the Pats, then we are in for a Rodgers AFC playoff appearance. It’ll be so annoying.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Bonix doing the alien chestburster to Aaron Rodgers

VIKINGS @ PACKERS
MOST ANTICIPATED OF THE WEEK
I don’t know if Malik Willis (or possibly Jordan Love, but I doubt it) can hold up against the way this defense is playing, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Darnold cools off a bit.
If the Packers win, I will draw a meat packing factory worker shoving Lief Erickson into a box

STEELERS @ COLTS
That one big throw from Anthony Richardson in week 1 bought him a lot of hype he has not delivered on. I do not see that changing against this defense.
If the Colts win, I will draw Mike Tomlin, committing to the bit (The bit is losing to bad teams on the road)

RAMS @ BEARS
The Rams are injured to hell but found ways to win. The Bears are doing Bears things. If they can’t pull this win off, we are in for some ugly games.
If the Bears win, I will draw a Bear hanging a Ram in a tree by the horns

EAGLES @ BUCS
Revenge for last year’s playoff game? Has to be on Sirianni’s mind. But I’m going to go with the team that already blew them up a year ago.
If the Eagles win, I will draw an Eagle feeding a pirate to her young

PATRIOTS @ 49ERS
Well good thing the 49ers get to face a JV squad while half their stars are in the hospital.
If the Patriots win, I will draw George Washington doing a sick kickflip off Yosemite Sam

COMMIES @ CARDINALS
I don’t have anything clever to say here, just kinda anticipate the Cardinals being better. But damn, Jayden Daniels looks like the future.
If the Commies win, I will draw Vladimir Daniels seizing the means of points production

CHIEFS @ CHARGERS
This matchup might have been more interesting if Herbert hadn’t gotten hurt this past Sunday. Now it feels the inevitable will just happen.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Kermit being electrocuted

BROWNS @ RAIDERS
The Raiders are a flawed team with a bad QB and a good defense that hasn’t been great. The Browns are a flawed team with a bad QB and a good defense that hasn’t been great. The battle of mid. I genuinely don’t know where to go here, on paper the Browns should win but also Maxx Crosby might actually kill Deshaun behind that injured line? I guess I’ll go Browns.
If the Raiders win, I will draw the Brownie losing 250 Million at the craps QB table

BILLS @ RAVENS
Ravens look flawed, Bills somehow look better than ever.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Jackson hurdling Josh Allen, who is also hurdling

TITANS @ DOLPHINS
UNWATCHABLE GARBAGE OF THE WEEK
Christ if the Dolphins had Tua we could just tune out by halftime but now the Titans actually have a chance. Ugly, ugly ugly.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis as Zoolander

SEAHAWKS @ LIONS
The Seahawks have quietly put together a pretty damn good defense. The Lions are still a good team. This is the far superior Monday night matchup. I’ll take the home squad.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw DK Metcalf, the largest WR, simply eating Amon Ra St Brown

A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs doing the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti thing