2024 CHAOS REPORT: WEEK 1 – Toeing The Line
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
I love week 1. Week 1 is stupid. Week 1 is chaos. You’ll never find a week 1 without nonsense in it. The teams are a blank slate with nothing but “on paper” expectations. Anything can, and does, happen. But even for week 1 standards I would say week 1 of 2024 delivered.
The opener featured Lamar running for his life in a terrible pocket on an offense that clearly hasn’t yet found their 2024 identity. It ended on a player having slightly too big of feet. The second game, the international Brazil game, featured awful field conditions and a major injury out of nowhere right at the end, putting the Packers season in the balance. Baker Mayfield looks like he truly found his home, the Saints styled on the somehow even worse Panthers, and the Cowboys paid Dak Prescott like 3 hours before he went out and crushed the Browns. Tyreek got arrested and then went and helped save the Dolphins from an embarassing loss, giving that loss to the Jaguars. The Bengals! I’ll get to them.
GIANTS CORNER
–I don’t know if I can watch another season of Daniel Jones. I don’t know how benching him isn’t on the table immediately after that performance. He doesn’t even have confidence anymore, he’s fully broken. I was mentally prepared for this season to be a waste of time but I’d still rather watch Drew Lock or Cutlets suck than Jones. That contract was such a mistake and it will likely cost Schoen and Daboll their jobs, whether you feel that is deserved or not. I’m increasingly disappointed looking at Schoen’s results so far, especially via the draft. Looks like I’m gonna be watching a lot of redzone this year. I’m so tired of watching other games and feeling like they are playing a different sport than the Giants.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–It’s hard to give this award to anyone but the Bears. The Titans went up 17-0 as the Bears stumbled around drunk. The Bears would then continue to stumble around drunk, at least on offense, and still come back to win entirely by defensive and special teams scores.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–By a toe! Unbelievably close to overtime. If Likely’s foot was half an inch shorter we’d have more football.
-It was forgotten quickly after the rest of the game but the Eagles first series of “Saquon falls down and then Hurts throws a garbage interception to Xavier McKinney” was an extremely funny way to have both of the Giants biggest free agency losses immediately coalesce.
-The Bills look like the Bills of old. A bunch of morons led by the biggest, strongest, mightiest moron of all. Who dares stand in his way?
-The Broncos got TWO safeties in the first half against the Seahawks. They had 10 points generated by two field goals and two safeties.
-Jaguars man what are you doing? Looked great and then the fumble happened and the vibes got sour fast.
-Russell Wilson was inactive and still put on his uniform, full pads. The most goober QB to ever exist.
-Fucking Anthony Richardson throwing a 70 yard bomb off-balance what the fuck
-The Steelers are the first team this year to win a game off nothing but field goals. Is there a more Steelers stat?
CHAOS WATCH
–The Packers are the big question mark now. Do they sign Ryan Tannehill? Do they attempt to use Malik Willis? Love’s injury will not keep him out the entire year but the Packers next move is going to determine how far behind they are once he returns.
-The Jaguars are clearly capable of great things. They refuse to follow through full-time. It’s alarming.
FRAUD WATCH
–Hard to judge a fraud so early, but I would absolutely still be wary of the Eagles. They won, but there were some very questionable mistakes in there all game and they looked a lot like the same team from last year who would scrape by wins due to roster talent until things fall apart.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Bengals! The Bengals have started slow under Zac Taylor since he got there but surely a team at the bottom of a rebuild, with a journeyman QB holdover coached by a new coach in his first game was a surmountable roadblock. The Bengals have traditionally figured things out down the road but this was a chance to make it easy on themselves and they failed miserably.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–I wanted to give it to the Panthers a nod but I honestly got entertainment value out of how bad they got. Same with the Browns, where the poor play came with delightful schadenfreude about Watson. The Giants however came out utterly unwatchable. The defense bent, and broke. The offense was worthless and Jones just dirtballed and missed throw after throw after throw and didn’t even try downfield options. A miserable viewing experience and I had no expectations to begin with.
————————————————————
BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
BILLS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins overcame a first-half hole to rally and pull out the win. The Bills overcame a first-half hole to rally and pull out the win. I feel like the Bills have largely gotten the better of the Dolphins over these past few years so I’ll go with Buffalo this time.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tyreek arresting Josh Allen
49ERS @ VIKINGS
…Sam Darnold revenge game? I guess the 49ers didn’t do him dirty so probably not. However Darnold probably won’t have such an easy time against his former team.
If the Vikings win, I will draw The GEQBUS claiming the California vote
SEAHAWKS @ PATRIOTS
The Patriots identity this season appears to be rely on the still solid defense and just play conservative smart offense. They won’t score a lot of points but it’s not a bad way to stabilize things. Are they good enough to overcome the Seahawks? Maybe! But I can’t trust them yet. #GoHawks
If the Patriots win, I will draw Jacoby Brissett winning a rap battle over Geno
GIANTS @ COMMANDERS
This game is going to tell us a lot about both teams. One of these two teams is going to figure something out and give themselves a glimpse of hope. The other will settle in for a very long bout of suffering. Both of these teams are likely picking top 5. Will the Giants pass rushers finally eat against a terrible line? Will Jayden Daniels run all over the weakened defense? I don’t know. This is one of those teams that the Giants can beat, the only team the Giants can consistently beat, so I’m going to take my own team for once.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Jayden Daniels telling Malik he’s sorry it had to happen this way
CHARGERS @ PANTHERS
Lost in the week 1 discussion is the new look Chargers. They look like a Jim Harbaugh team. Smart, competent, and motivated. The Chargers did not Chargers at all against Las Vegas. They might have done it. They might finally have what they need. The Panthers are the football personification of hell.
If the Panthers win, I will draw tiny Bryce Young as the avatar, redirecting a lighting strike back at The Khaki Lord
SAINTS @ COWBOYS
The Saints incredible week 1 was probably a result of their opponent being a primordial stew. The Cowboys will likely crush them.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car doing donuts on the star
COLTS @ PACKERS
This suddenly looks much more dire for the Packers.
If the Packers win, I will draw Malik Willis (or whoever else starts) in a hot tub full of cheese curds
BROWNS @ JAGUARS
The Browns are in QB hell, and it is extremely funny. Jaguars can win this simply by not fucking up. That’s a tall order for Jacksonville, but I believe in them!
If the Browns win, I will draw the Brownie in Jaguar print pants, out on the town
JETS @ TITANS
Well the Jets debut against the 49ers did not go so well. Rodgers stayed intact though, so good for him. The Titans are probably an easy “back on track” game.
If the Titans win, I will draw Will Levis pouring mayo into Rodgers’ darkness retreat hole
BUCS @ LIONS
The Lions were frustrating on Sunday night, playing kinda sloppy until overtime when they remembered who they were and ran it down the Rams throats. The Bucs lit it up against the Commanders, but that’s not an accomplishment. This is a preview for a potential playoff matchup and it’s pretty cool to see. I’ll go Lions.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield plundering that Lions booty, a chest full of grit and grind
RAIDERS @ RAVENS
The Raiders did not impress me against the Chargers. Minshew isn’t it and the coaching was…not great. I’m worried for Pierce. They made one of the worst punt decisions in the last 20 years according to the surrender index.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Gardner Minshew pole dancing the fountain at The Bellagio
RAMS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals might be a little frisky and the Rams suffered a number of injuries already (Puka is on IR for a few weeks). This is a beatable Rams team but I gotta stick with the LA boys until Arizona can prove worthwhile otherwise.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Marvin Harrison Jr and Kyler doing the Cactuar pose
BENGALS @ CHIEFS
Well if the Bengals couldn’t get prepared for New England they certainly aren’t beating the champs.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Joe Burrow as Tony the Tiger but with his dumb new eminem haircut
STEELERS @ BRONCOS
Good lord this one might be our first unwatchable matchup of the season! I’ll go Steelers defense taking that Broncos offense apart.
If the Broncos win, I will draw Sean Payton splatting Russ with a flyswatter
BEARS @ TEXANS
I have hope for the Bears but that offense did not spark joy.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb as Winnie the Pooh
FALCONS @ EAGLES
BIRD FIGHT. Kirk doesn’t look like he’s back yet.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirks Atlanta Dumpy
A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw both QBs pooping back and forth, forever
>If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tyreek arresting Josh Allen
I will never root for the lolphins, but if they did win this cartoon would be sufficient consolation.
What does GEQBUS starnd for? I scrolled through the reddit posts, but didn’t see the answer.
God-Emperor QuarterBack of the United States, comes from /r/the_darnold, which is a parody subreddit of /r/the_donald. GEQBUS itself is a parody of GEOTUS, or God-Emperor Of The United States, which was a common nickname for Donald Trump in the early days.
“If we get a tie I will draw both QBs pooping back and forth, forever”
I have always wanted to see what this CAH card looks like.
an Oral-bowel-us
(say it aloud)
I hate you so much right now. Congratulations.
I’m just over Daboll at this point. He got the team punching above their weight in that first season, and then last year and this… they just came out looking entirely overwhelmed and unprepared. When Carl Banks has to point out multiple times that your team looks like it’s still playing a preseason game, that is BAD. I certainly won’t defend Jones, he played awful, but the problems go so far beyond him… I can’t sweep it all under the rug as a QB issue at this point. I think Jones, Daboll, and possibly Schoen are gone this season if they can’t figure things out in a hurry, which will be great, because then Mara can put in another group of failures, so the cycle can begin anew. I’m ready for more Tommy Cutlets, at least that dude was FUN.
How sucky would it be if they fired Daboll before he even gets a chance to “get his guy” in the draft? I’m of the philosophy that every GM/HC combo should get the opportunity to draft and take a guy through his first contract (more or less). It seems especially odd that you wouldn’t want an offensive guy like Daboll to have that shot after saddling him with Daniel Jones.
Personally, I don’t think it would be sucky at all. Prior to last year, I strongly felt like Jones was holding the team back, and once Daboll “got his guy,” we’d rise upward. Then they got steamrolled by the Cowboys to open the season last year, never looked good after that point on any phase of the ball. And then once again yesterday… they looked completely bewildered and outmatched in all phases. Combine that with the fact that Daboll is either such an A-Hole or so incompetent that his own DC was able to run a coup under his very nose… I don’t think he’s worth another shot. He either figures out how to turn this team around FAST – with, despite, or working around Daniel Jones – or he 1000% deserves the axe.
I saw Harbaugh signaling they should go for 2 after the not-TD, which imo would have been the right call.
At the very least, as a neutral observer, it would have been the *fun* call
godd damn right!
never give mahomes the ball back if you can help it. Harbs knows they could be facing off in the AFCCG, give ’em something to think about when the time comes.
My thoughts exactly. You’ve got better odds of converting a single 2 pt attempt than either A) winning the toss and scoring a TD or B) stopping the Chiefs’ offense and THEN scoring
Game was two days ago and I’m already looking at draft content
Trade Daniel Jones to the Jags for Mac Jones, on the caveat that Mac has to wear #8 for the Giants, and see if anyone notices.
The Lions Bucs game looks fun.
I so want to see a Titans win after seeing what you plan to draw.
Praying the vikings win so that the glory of the GEQBUS can be spread to the heavens
I don’t get all the hate on Russ for putting on full pads. He was the team’s emergency third QB. He still had a responsibility to be ready to play if needed. The dude’s not on IR.
This is shaping up to be an all time bad Dave week for picks. So an all time great one for the fans 🙂