WILDCARD WEEKEND CHAOS REPORT: Adios, NFC East. May You Rot In Hell
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–WILDCARD WEEKEND DELIVERED BABY. Maybe not a ton of quality close playoff games, but we had some real fun this weekend didn’t we boys? Well, maybe I did. This weekend went about as well as I could have hoped. Only game that didn’t go the way I wanted it to was the Chiefs/Dolphins game. That was also probably the most boring game of the weekend so let’s start there. The Dolphins were frauds, the spent the entire season making their case against weak competition and crumbling against anyone who could punch them in the mouth. We can officially start calling Tua the next Dak or Cousins. He’s good enough, but it’ll rarely be enough when it matters. The Chiefs, blessed with soul-crushing temperatures further crushing the souls of their south Florida counterparts, grinded out a very 2023 Chiefs win. The offense was flaccid, the defense held firm, and Mahomes got 20 yards scrambles because every defender is afraid to touch him. Outside one underthrown bomb to Tyreek Hill, the Dolphins were beached all game. This game was streamed exclusively on Peacock and called by Jason Garrett. If you missed this game, don’t feel bad about it.
The weekend started with a bang though in what we would not realize would be the second biggest upset of the week. The Texans were hot coming in, we knew this. The Browns were injured, we knew this. But the Browns already beat them once and had the best defense around. Flacco could at least game manage, right? Oh. Oh no. The first half was at least competitive with the Texans looking sharp but the Browns managing to stick around. Then in the 3rd quarter the Joe Flacco Bandwagon fell into a ditch, exploded, and then set the Cuyahoga river on fire. Back to back pick-6’s. No team may have taken a bigger collective L than Cleveland this weekend. They got embarrassed by the very team they were fleeced by in the Rapist trade. This Texans team was built on the back of that Browns mistake. Two days later, Baker Mayfield, the QB they scorned to get the rapist, won his second playoff game. Next year the Watson contract comes home to roost and kill the roster. Lie in the bed you made, Cleveland.
Lions/Rams was probably the best actual game of the weekend, a solid competitive game between two good teams. The refs did get at least one terrible call in on the Lions again, calling them for a false start when it should have been a neutral zone infraction on the Rams. But outside that, Stafford was Stafford, the Lions were the Lions, and Detroit finally got to celebrate a playoff win for the first time since I was 4 years old. Words can’t express how happy I am for those fans. Enjoy the moment, Detroit. The Rams may have bowed out early but I think there is a lot for LA to be excited about in the future.
Monday, thanks to the snow delay, gave us the worst day for Pennsylvania Football maybe ever. The Steelers put up a fight against Buffalo but still looked embarassing. The defense just did not want to tackle and Josh Allen managed to juke a guy 7 yards away on his 50 yard TD scamper. This almost turned into a classic 2023 Steelers game where Pittsburgh looks like ass but the other team can’t put them away and the Steelers spend the second half creeping back into the picture, but thankfully the Bills finally spanked them late in the 4th and gave us the relief we needed. Mike Tomlin did not take the press conference afterward well. We might have one more legacy coach on the outs for all we know. The Eagles fared even worse. Cementing their fraudulence they came out flat against the Bucs and never looked back. The game was close enough for a while because the Bucs are also kinda shit but Tampa would throw the dagger in midway through the 4th and it would not be a shock to see Sirianni get fired after this. Historic collapse.
But you know what game I had to save for last. I don’t think I got more enjoyment out of a football game this year than watching Green Bay demolish the very soul of the Dallas Cowboys. I don’t even like Green Bay! I kinda hate Green Bay! Seeing them have yet another franchise guy with a bright future for the 3rd time in a row is infuriating! Fuck the Packers! But goddamn if they didn’t give me the biggest shit-eating grin I had all weekend. I cackled so loud on that Dak pick-6 that I scared my dog. I spent every commercial break dancing down the hall to get a snack. I was so worried that this was the team that would finally do it. They had won 16 straight games at home. They were on fire. Dak was in the MVP race. Micah Parsons was unstoppable. The Cowboys looked like they could finally reach the NFC championship and maybe go even further. Then the #7 seed Packers burned down Jerryworld in a bonfire so spectacular that would make Burning Man look like a match in a blizzard. The score gives a false impression of a shootout. It only got that close because the Packers put in their backups. The game was 48-16 midway through the 4th. A complete team collapse on all phases. It should be impossible to get as open as Luke Musgrave was on this TD. Dallas went from the top of the world to the pit of despair in front of the world and witnessing it was a treat that I will treasure forever. Dak goes back to languishing in overhyped hell, Kirk Cousins 2.0. Mike McCarthy might not have a job by the time you read this. Fuck the Dallas Cowboys, I say, and the Green Bay Packers obliged.
GIANTS CORNER
–The weekend was nothing but awesome for Giants fans. Now we can watch the playoffs stress-free. What a delight.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–The entire country seemed like it was experiencing a winter freeze this weekend. Snow at my parent’s house in Maryland. Snow out here in Oregon. Kansas City with one of the coldest playoff games in NFL history. To top it all off, Buffalo/Pittsburgh got delayed to Monday and for the first time in maybe ever, the NFL just said: sit wherever the fuck you want. If you can’t clear the stands, just let the drunks do whatever.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Josh Allen’s 52 yard TD was probably my favorite play of the weekend but we had a lot of good stuff I’ve also already mentioned. Joe Flacco’s back-to-back pick-6’s. Green Bay’s wide-open TD. The Eagles finally getting stuffed on a tush push in the final attempt of Kelce’s career.
CHAOS WATCH
–Well now we gotta pay the Texans and Packers some real attention. San Francisco is quite a tall order for a team like Green Bay, but I thought the same thing about Dallas so who knows. It would be wild to see the Texans knock out the AFC North two weekends in a row.
FRAUD BURIAL OF THE WEEK
–We knew the Eagles were frauds, but I had no idea how fraudulent Dallas was. Rest in Piss, Bozos
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Hard to look more disappointing than Dallas did this weekend. The first 2 seed in history to lose to a 7 seed.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–Dallas eventually scored some points. The Eagles were slightly competitive. The Browns didn’t fall off the cliff till the second half. Miami? Miami was worthless from the word go. They had one cool play.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
TEXANS @ RAVENS
The Ravens claim of best team in the league will finally get put against the stress of the playoffs. While the Texans did surprise us this past weekend, can they keep it up? They have a chance, for sure. But this is the league juggernaut. The Browns were depleted and starting a backup QB. The Ravens are starting the likely MVP. The game is in Baltimore. Anything short of the AFCCG is a disappointment for the Ravens and I think they know it. We must appreciate the Texans miracle run while we can. It likely ends on Saturday.
If the Texans win, I will draw CJ Stroud as the new sheriff in town
If the Ravens win, I will draw a Raven Lamar Jackson cawing as CJ Stroud drowns in Old Bay
PACKERS @ 49ERS
The 49ers have enjoyed nothing more than destroying the hopes and dreams of Packer fans for a decade now, since the Kaep years. They handed Rodgers 4 different playoff embarrassments. So will they do the same with Jordan Love? The 49ers are coached better than Dallas and far more battle-tested. They are less likely to immediately shit themselves and run around screaming like Dallas did. But it’s hard to not be intrigued.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Love standing upon the grave of the 49ers and Rodgers simultaneously
If the 49ers win, I will draw Prospector Brock Purdy blowing up the train tracks and sending the Love Train into the river
BUCS @ LIONS
The Lions got the hardest win out of the way. The pressure of making this season meaningful outside just earning a division win is over. They got the playoff victory and can now loosen up. Luckily they drew the long straw and probably spent the entire Eagles/Bucs game thinking to themselves “oh, we gonna destroy whoever wins this”. They probably will. I hope they do. The Lions? In a championship game? I want this.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield blasting a cannonball through coach Dan “Muscles” Campbell
If the Lions win, I will draw Jared Goff hoisting the Lions flag upon his captured Buccaneer ship
CHIEFS @ BILLS
The Bills are still a chaotic mess. They took some injuries against the Steelers and still play like boneheads just as often as they play like superstars. This is the strongest Chiefs defense they’ve faced, but it is also the weakest offense they’ve faced, and the game is in Buffalo. They beat these Chiefs in Arrowhead a month ago. I cannot stand the thought of another Chiefs championship game, especially the most unwatchable version we’ve seen in 6 years. Please Buffalo, send the Walrus home. I’m begging you.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw State Farm Mahomes bundling Buffalo and Miami into the trash can
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as a hybrid Buffalo Man, strong and proud
It feels weird how six teams were eliminated this week, and only one of them can feel any pride at all.
Well, okay, maybe also the Browns, just from how snake-bitten their QB situation has been this year (a much deserved curse, though). But the Rams came damn close to winning, showed all kinds of fight, and have hope for the future (including a 1st round draft pick this year, who knew those existed?).
That was an honorable defeat against a worthy foe, and when only one team is going to win it all, sometimes that’s the best sort of consolation prize you can hope for.
Rams, Bucs, and Texans won just by making it this far. All three were considered rebuilding bottom-feeders heading into the season. All three put forth a strong effort, and two of three are still alive for Divisional weekend, wild shit.
(Steelers and Packers overperformed expectations, but were never expected to be the dregs of the league the way the first three were.)
This has been a “top flight team randomly implodes” kind of season so I would not be surprised to see a 1-seed get roasted this week.
Aw, man, this weekend has been GLOOOOOORRRIOUSSS. Dallas AND Philly one’n’done??? If you told me this would have happened in early December, I wouldn’t have believed it. Dallas is the more hilarious collapse, but Philly’s is… I don’t think I’ve EVER seen a team collapse THIS badly without there being injuries, death, or major off-the-field legal drama (e.g., your star wideout shooting himself in the ass) involved.
On the morning of December 3rd – a scant 6 weeks and 2 days ago – the Iggles were 10-1. Since yesterday, they went 1-5, leading to the morning of this morning, and a very beautiful one, indeed. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
I don’t think I even have room to process all of this euphoria. I may have to wait until next weekend before I really delve into enjoying it.
What’s even better about Philly losing is they returned virtually the same team as last year. Minus Edwards and CJGJ, this team looked on paper as if it was ready to be every bit as dominant as it was last year. So to see them not only go 1-5 to end the season, but also to start to see fractures in just about every level of this team is so gratifying
-Bradham and Cox look old and tired
-AJ Brown is starting to develop into a bit of a headcase
-Kelce is retiring (nothing against Kelce, I really like him personally, just wish he wore a different uniform)
-Hurts has lost his magic
-Their much-vaunted draft picks have lost considerable steam. I remember when all the post-draft analysis was creaming over them getting Jordan Davis and Jalen Carter. Well Jordan Davis is starting to look like a bit of a Haynesworth, and while Carter has been good and disruptive (especially early this season) you would hope a guy who has that much hype coming in can generate more than 30 tackles and 6 sacks.
-Their “superstar/big-name” acquisitions have been “meh”. What did Byard and Shaq Leonard do, exactly? I was super jealous when they joined PHI, but honestly don’t remember them doing much.
I recognize this is all sour grapes from a football fan who was jealous of how much paper success they would look to have, but it still feels good for that fan base to be forced to eat a little crow on their way out of the playoffs.
That cold? That many injuries? Dolphins can’t swim through ice when they’re healthy.
But noooOOOooo, It’S aLl TuA’s FaUlT wE aReN’t In ThE dIvIsIoNaLs…
Hear, hear.
Yes, Tua failed to lift the entire injured team on his shoulders and materialize a win, but isn’t the real letdown the insipid playcalling (how many behind-the-lines passes do you need in sub-frozen temperatures) from a coach wearing enough parkas to make him look like the Michelin Man on the sideline. Brain freeze!
That “underthrown” pass got caught in wind too.
Miami had dudes they pulled off the street that week trying to corral fucking Patrick Mahomes in the 4th coldest game in NFL history, it sucks that injuries eventually ended this season but so it goes.
Can we appreciate that the Texans are the best Texas team? CJ Stroud shows how limited Dak is with the weapons he has available. Who would’ve thunk at the start of the season
They may even upset Baltimore. They’re playing loose with house money.
Hasn’t been a murder that bad in Dallas since 1963
My two teams are buffalo and Detroit because I love buffalo’s fans and both deserve a superbowl win
That might have been the most bizarre Wild Card round I’ve ever seen. From a competitive standpoint, it was an outright disaster across the board. Blowout after blowout after blowout with only one game that didn’t feature one side shitting itself for most of it. A complete disaster for fans hoping to get quality football during what’s supposed to be the best time of year.
From a narrative standpoint, however? Absolutely glorious. One of the best rounds of a postseason basically ever. Between Dallas and Philly eating shit and Cleveland getting waxed by a team they basically helped build while their old QB wins a playoff game somewhere else… sheesh. You couldn’t script it any better. Hopefully the Divisional Round delivers on both fronts instead of just one.
The best part about Dallas losing to GB is that GB actually isn’t good. They squeezed into the playoffs because their main competition was either horribly injured, or horribly coached. Their defense isn’t good at all. their WRs, while scrappy, aren’t especially talented. Even their once-vaunted OL is kind of a mess. I’ll keep repeating this, Jordan Love has improved, but he’s still not all that good. On paper, Dallas should have smoked this team. Their pass rush should have obliterated that OL. Their 3(!) All-Pro (and former All-Pro) DBs should have been stuffing their WRs and pouncing on poorly-thrown passes. The offense should have been able to move the ball at will with how well CeeDee has been playing and how talented they are…..that’s what makes it all the more shameful that they got the brakes beaten off of them! I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of many teams left in the NFC, but man does it feel good to have the Cowboys get blown out after starting to show signs of slipping. I do think it’s more a case of them saving their worst game of the season (among more than a few worthy nominees) than GB actually being good, but that doesn’t change how sweet it feels!
Fun fact: the Packers have more playoff wins in the Jerruh Dome than the Cowboys do.
At one point during the game, the Eagles D managed to tackle the Bucs’ RB behind the line-of-scrimmage. Joe Buck excitedly burned them with “The Eagles make a play!”
That play may be the only thing that Eagles D did right in the last month-and-a-half.
For me the highlight of the weekend was the iggles’ failed 2-point convert attempt. Too bad it was that sanctimonious Joe Buck doing the call … he went out of his way to “stay classy” , but for me it will always be the play where the Tush Push finally and spectacularly got Butt Stuffed.
Man was probably just trying not to come across as weird. We all know how DISGUSTING he considers acts involving butts.
Everyone’s always annoyed that the Packers are in the playoffs again
…until they ruin another year of destiny for the Cowboys.
They’re gonna get violated by SF though. At this point, SF being this good every year and not winning a Super Bowl is becoming irritating. If the Packers finally pull this off, Rodgers will be seething.
The Browns fell apart the moment Joel Bitonio got hurt. They couldn’t pass protect for shit after that.
The Steelers didn’t deserve to win, but QB slides are getting out of control.
Josh Allen juked Kazee out of his shoes, but keep in mind that Kazee had *just* gotten back from a suspension for a tackle on Pittman, and the juke looked enough like a fake slide that the he now has to think about whether the ball carrier is safe to tackle. If he touches Josh Allen the wrong way, you know they’re going to double down on a suspension for a “problem” player.
Later in the game, Josh Allen slides after Myles Jack has already committed to the tackle, and Jack makes incidental contact during the slide. Roughing the passer, 15 yards.
I love Josh Allen, but if a QB commits to running the ball they need to slide before defenders get any choice in the matter on whether they’re going to make contact.
Yeah that didn’t look like a “juke” at all to me, it looked like he slowed up pretending he was gonna slide and Kazee backed off because he didn’t want a 15. Like what is he supposed to do there, if he finishes the play and Allen slides it’s 15, but if he doesn’t than this can happen.
I think it’s a real problem that anytime a (star) QB takes off on a run they’ve learned to take advantage of the fact that the league considers them untouchable. I first noticed it when Mahomes did his little “run towards the out of bounds but then tiptoe for 5 more yards when the defender backs off”, but now lots of them are doing it and it’s absolutely unfair to make defenders choose between finishing the play and risking a penalty and fine or slowing up and getting taken advantage of.
sir, if the Lions managed to go to the SB, would you like to draw the squad (incl. Dan) reenacting the Iwo Jima flag? thank you.
Rather than Love standing on both graves if the Packers win, you should draw Rogers seething as he watches Love win on TV.
Eagles would suck – I called it. I’m a fan but it was obvious they got very lucky last year.