The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
-I’ve come to a realization about the Chaos report. It is going to have an inherent bias toward games I’m actually able to watch in full, so mostly the primetime games and Giants games. Even though I have Redzone on during Sunday afternoons Redzone is absolutely terrible at letting you experience the flow state of a game. You’ll see the big moments for sure but you’ll miss the minutia, the vibes that set the stage for true chaos. Sometimes the flow of a game is what sets it apart, as is the case of this week’s winner. Since Redzone usually only shows the big scores and plays, stupid stuff that happens during downtimes always gets missed. I try to watch recaps of games that looked interesting but it has the same basic problem as Redzone: you aren’t experiencing the game as it exists. It’s the main reason I’ve never really liked watching Redzone and I only have it on my second screen so I can keep tabs on things. It means I miss a lot of stuff. So I hope that you, good readers, can mention those little moments I miss to me.

This was a fun week. Not a lot of chaos at the bottom (outside the week’s best) but a lot of uncertainty now circles the top teams like a foggy malaise. The 49ers, who since getting everyone back healthy have looked like the easy favorites to win it all, took one on the chin to Baltimore and if Trent Williams stays out this could get ugly for them fast. The Chiefs are officially frauds and the offense is just Mahomes and Kelce trying so hard to carry everyone else. The Raiders beat KC at home and Antonio Pierce might just have won the permanent HC gig with it. He’s got severe Dan Campbell energy. Maybe not a scheme guy but a true culture guy who can make waves if he gets good coordinators. The Eagles are in line for the #1 seed right now with two easy games left and yet they look kinda like ass every game. The Cowboys cannot win an away game. The Bengals hit reality again against Mason Rudolph. The Jaguars are stumbling around with no direction at all, staying on top by virtue of the rest of the division doing the same. The Browns knocked out the Texans (without Stroud, should be noted). After this week, the Ravens look like the most complete team and Lamar probably the favorite for MVP in a year where there really is no clear frontrunner.

The Falcons kept their pointless playoff hopes alive by beating the Colts. I do not want these Falcons in the playoffs. I hate watching them. I hate watching the Saints, too. The Panthers are out, so by default the only watchable team in the NFCS is the Bucs, so please Baker…save us from watching Arthur Smith and Dennis Allen coach playoff games. Not that watching Todd Bowles is a huge improvement.

The Bears have quietly crept up to 6 wins after such a disaster of a start and I’m worried Eberflus might actually save his job. I don’t know what to expect out of the Bears anymore. Are they still in line to draft a QB? Keep trying with Fields and Flus? I’m scared. The Jets confirmed that Saleh and the GM are safe. That was to be expected I think. Despite how badly this season went for the Jets, they took a huge gamble and they have to see it through to the end. The Commanders are just a waste of time because everyone knows that the entire franchise is getting overhauled come spring.

A huge congrats to the Detroit Lions, winners of their division for the first time in 30 years. Watching them lose to Matthew Stafford in the wildcard round will break my heart.

GIANTS CORNER
-And thus the Tommy DeVito fun hour ends with him buried in a cement pool at halftime. Maybe we all should have remembered he was an off-the-street rookie while we made him a meme. Tyrod came into the game and the offense looked more functional in the second half and the team put up at least some fight. Tyrod is likely gone at season’s end so I’m happy for him, get that next bag for your future, brother. Still one of the best backups out there and a swell guy to boot. We are so close to finding out if the Daboll/Wink feud is a real thing or a made-up story by the media as they’ve suggested.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
-Patriots/Broncos had no business being that fun. Bailey Zappe threw actual touchdowns and the Patriots scored actual points, but still missed some kicks. The Broncos done goofed and gave the Patriots an extra TD after a fumble, just to make it harder on themselves. And yet…they came back. Two 4th quarter TDs, both with 2 pt conversions, and just like that the game was tied. That’s when Bailey Zappe unleashed the dragon and put the team in long field goal range for the Patriots absolutely terrible kicker who had already had a bad night. He redeemed himself and the Broncos slim chances for playoffs are now thinner than a butterfly’s wings.

Also, if you missed it, the game featured the most violent DOINK you’ll ever hear.

 

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
– I woke up on Christmas pretty late. I took the dog for a walk in the rain and made deviled eggs for the first time. A success, by the way. I missed the start of the Raiders/Chiefs game, but I finally got back to my office and turned it on. 3 seconds after I turn it on, the Chiefs fumble a handoff and the Raiders score a recovery TD. Merry Chaosmas to me! 7-in game seconds later Mahomes gets pick 6’ed. What an incredible way to start watching football. The Raiders would not complete a pass after the 1st quarter and still won.
– Nick Mullens: not any better than Joshua Dobbs!
-Big ups to the Packers, who made the Panthers offense actually watchable for a week.
-Lamar Jackson is now 18-1 against NFC teams. That one loss? The Giants, baby. Love the Giants.
-I like it when Derrick Henry throws TDs. Always a treat.

CHAOS WATCH
-Basically every playoff team! Who the fuck actually wants to win anymore? At least we seem to be headed into an interesting competitive playoff situation since basically everyone be ass in some way. One team I’ve got my eye on though is the Rams. They are making some plays here.

 

FRAUD WATCH
-Basically every playoff team! Outside the Ravens and even the 49ers if the health scares aren’t too bad. The Cowboys can’t win on the road. The Eagles look like butt despite the record. The Chiefs are the worst we’ve seen in 5 seasons. The Bills are a roller coaster. The Jaguars are falling off a cliff. The Lions defense can’t stop very much and Goff is terrible under pressure.

 

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
-The Colts. Come on man, those are the Falcons you are playing! The Falcons! You’re better than this.

 

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
-Congrats to this not being the Panthers! It was probably the Cardinals.

 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – CREEPY INHUMAN HYBRIDS WEEK

JETS @ BROWNS
Last year the Jets played Joe Flacco and he led the team to an incredible last-minute victory over the Browns. Could he turn around and do the exact same thing from the opposite side this season? That would be incredible.
If the Jets win, I will draw Trevor Siemian as half-man, half jet, all monster

LIONS @ COWBOYS
A real matchup! Cowboys are at home, so they will be the good Cowboys.
If the Lions win, I will draw Dan Cambell as a powerful Lion man

TITANS @ TEXANS
I thought Stroud would be back last week, guess not. Is he back this week? I hope so, Texans are much more fun with him.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as the Organic Tractor, terror of Tennessee

FALCONS @ BEARS
Bears, please spare me the agony of watching Arthur Smith in the playoffs. Can you do that for me?
If the Falcons win, I will draw Bijan Robinson as the Millenium Falcon. Yes, as the ship

DOLPHINS @ RAVENS
Ravens at home, Dolphins can’t beat good teams (outside the Cowboys). A battle for the top seed to get locked up. Go Ravens.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua as a freakish Dolphin Man, the nightmare of the seas

SAINTS @ BUCS
Bucs. If you win this, the NFCS is probably yours. Don’t let Dennis Allen exist past week 18.
If the Saints win, I will draw Derek Car as a biblically accurate angel

PATRIOTS @ BILLS
Bills are hot stuff lately and at home against the Patriots? This could be some good fruede for us lingering Patriots haters.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bailey Zappe as a card table, a crime against nature that should not exist

CARDINALS @ EAGLES
BIRD FIGHT. As much as I want Gannon to get revenge on his old team it won’t happen.
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as an animorphs cover

PANTHERS @ JAGUARS
You’d think the Jaguars, bad as they look right now, can fucking win this game, right?
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young mutating into a Panther in the light of the moon

RAIDERS @ COLTS
Whelp, the Raiders are confusing again. Terrible offense vs the Vikings, good offense vs the Chargers, terrible offense vs the Chiefs. The defense is good though. Fuck it, I’ll take the hot hand.
If the Colts win, I will draw Gardner Minshew as a centaur…but in the reverse way that you were thinking

RAMS @ GIANTS
Giants are unfun again, move along, nothing to watch here.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll as half Empire State Building, half man

49ERS @ COMMANDERS
Commanders you have a chance to do something really funny here, but you won’t. And don’t! We can’t have Philly or Dallas winning the one seed.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Sam Howell as a human-hog chimera that you can tell just makes the most awful noises

STEELERS @ SEAHAWKS
Seahawks at home! Come on boys, stay relevant, don’t let those pesky Pennsylvania pierogi humpers come to your house and win a football game!
If the Steelers win, I will draw whoever starts at QB as a awful rotten molten steel monster creeping towards you

BENGALS @ CHIEFS
Man this game looked like fun in September. I’ll take the home team I guess.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Jake Browning as a sexy tiger man that makes you kinda uncomfortable in several different ways

CHARGERS @ BRONCOS
BONCOS? I’ll go Boncos. The Chargers are more competent lately but eh.
If the Chargers win, I will draw Easton Stick as a katamari of different kinds of Easton brand sports sticks

PACKERS @ VIKINGS
I’ll go Packers because the Vikings QB situation is just dire.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Justin Jefferson as the world serpent

A TIE
If we get a tie we get conjoined twins

NO COMICS THIS WEEK, TAKING THE HOLIDAY OFF