The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
This week sucked. No chaos. Worthless amounts of chaos. Where was it? It wasn’t there. Felt like half the league was out on bye and what did happen was the expected results. Only one game delivered the nonsense like Chaos Atlas holding up everything, and we’ll get to that. For what measley morsels of fun we did get, uh, well, the Cardinals beat the Steelers after like 5 weather delays. Kenny Pickett got hurt during that game too so any hope of the Steelers having a remotely watchable offense just remains a pipe dream. The 49ers not only beat the Eagles in the long-awaited NFCCG rematch, they absolutely housed them. The Browns started Joe Flacco, who looked like late-career Joe Flacco. Get that bag, Joe. Do what makes you happy. Bengals/Jaguars had a little bit of fun in it until Trevor Lawrence went down and ruined the vibes. The Falcons keep fucking around and are likely to win the NFCS now that Derek Carr is banged up. Detroit keeps giving me fraud vibes. Washington is a dead team walking. Dak is playing like an MVP while Mahomes is drowning under the weight of his poor supporting offensive cast. The Packers loss was a messy game for the Chiefs, and the final drive was one of the worst officiated stretches all year. The officiating continues to circle the train.

I also had a stupid idea watching that game. You know how if a team wins their two challenges they are awarded a 3rd? I say remove that and replace that 3rd challenge with THE CHAOS FLAG. Basically, the Chaos flag has the ability to completely overwrite a single penalty call. Essentially, for successfully showing the refs that they’ve already blown it twice, you get the ability to give them the middle finger and completely cancel out a future call, fair or not. This sounds extremely powerful…because it is! But I think it offers a fair tradeoff for the rarity of even reaching that point. A single coaching challenge in a game isn’t that common. Two is pretty rare. Winning them both is maybe a once-or-twice-a-season occurrence. Losing a timeout if you don’t get one right is a steep enough penalty that it should discourage coaches from being flippant with them. Granted, they have to be fair challenges, no challenging the spot by saying the ref was 2 inches off on a 2nd down dumpoff play just to try and purposefully win an easy call to get a chaos flag in your pocket.

It’s an extremely rare and powerful item to be obtained through struggle that could potentially be used to negate that late-game drive holding play or DPI. It would add a little element of strategy to the few situations it could arise. It could allow you to dodge that backbreaking late-game penalty or purposefully dodge the rules just once. Imagine how many people would get mad when one gets used. The thoughts make me feel funny.

GIANTS CORNER
Giants were on bye this week. I guess instead I will give a report card on things so far.
OFFENSE – F. Just abysmal. See me after class.
DEFENSE – C. Dexter Lawrence still rules. Kayvon Thibodeaux has come on to dodge bust status. Bobby Okkereke was the best FA pickup the team has had for a while. The defense has good games. But they also have bad games and Winks high pressure model often bites us back in the bum.
Special Teams – D. Gano spent the first half of the year hurt, and now I wince watching Fat Randy kick field goals. Nothing of note here.
Coaching – C. Wink is good, but Daboll has made several confusing decisions (such as keeping guys like Jones and Barkley out there well past the point they should be during blowouts, the cowardly Jets game kick) and Mike Kafka hasn’t done a great job working around the offensive limitations like he did last season. The team has looked outcoached in a significant number of games.
Tommy DeVito – A+++ I love my Italian linsanity memes.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
One game saved this week. By the end of the year, this may be a contender for funniest game, and it pulled the weight of this entire slopfest. I bet very few people watched it. I almost didn’t myself. For reference, I always have two screens going when I watch on Sunday: The game I want to focus on (usually Giants), and Redzone in the background to keep tabs on everything else. I originally started watching Detroit/New Orleans, but I had to switch it over early to see the glorious mess that was Colts/Titans. Lets recap what made this game great.

-Will Levis getting hit during his throw, resulting in an interception, which then resulted in Will Levis immediately punching the ball out of the interceptor’s hands and recovering the fumble. It ended up being ruled a fumble “pushed forward” but in real time it remains extremely funny.
-Two Derrick Henry TDs! He would later get hurt and leave the game.
-The Colts got TWO STRAIGHT blocked punts, the first one for a touchdown.
-On the blocked punt TD, the Colts would go for two, and the Titans would pick off the pass and get the extremely rare PICK 2.
-On the second blocked punt, the punter for the Titans would suffer an injury that forced him to leave the game. The Kicker, Nick Folk, was forced to be the punter. He wasn’t too bad! However…
-Later in the game, the Titans would score on a sick pass to Nuk. While attempting to kick the go-ahead extra point while tied, the injured punter/holder was replaced by Ryan Tannehill. The connection would fail and the kick was shanked wide left. The game would go into overtime 5 minutes later, meaning that this missed XP caused by the punter injury effectively cost the Titans the game.
-The Titans would use half of overtime to muster a successful field goal with the Tannehill holder connection working.
-Minshew throws a perfect deep bomb to set up the winning touchdown right afterward. Incredible.

To have a game with two blocked punts and a Pick 2 is going to make me love you. So thank you, Colts/Titans, for being absolute nonsense. Most of the chaos was on the Titans side, so they get the nod.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
-The Pick 2 is so rare that I simply have to mention it again because lmao
–BUTT CHEEK IN BOUNDS
-If you saw the injury to the Chain Gang guy in the Lions/Saints game you know how gross that was. I will not link it here. Google it if you want.
–Whatever this attempt at a screen pass was from the Bengals

CHAOS WATCH
The Packers and Colts are in full-blown spoiler/sneak into the playoffs mode. The Packers actually look kinda great right now, the Colts are a little more in spite of themselves.

FRAUD WATCH
This is just vibes but I don’t trust the Lions anymore. They can score points with anybody but the defense is not stout. Something feels off when I watch them now. If I had to make a pick for top teams who are most likely to get upset in their first playoff game, it would be the Lions. Second would be the Chiefs, whose offensive woes are very worrying in a much tougher AFC.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Washington. Just pathetic. This team is going through the motions waiting for the end.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
The Chargers scored 6 points and yet shutout the Patriots. There might not have been a better example of two teams who both deserved to lose.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – SUPER SMASH BROS WEEK

PATRIOTS @ STEELERS
Oh my god, how does Thursday Night Football have the ability to somehow set up these woeful matchups. These are two of the most unwatchable offenses in the NFL right now. The Steelers defense might be the highest-scoring unit of this game.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Bill Belichick as Princess Peach

TEXANS @ JETS
Was heartbreaking to see Tank Dell go down. He’s been a massively underrated element to the Texans turnaround and I’m worried about the miracle season getting derailed now that Stroud’s main guy is out for the year. That said, he should still be able to beat the Jets, who have the other most unwatchable offense in the league. We don’t even know who is starting now! What a mess. The Jets are a joke. Ignore any Rodgers coming back news, he just wants to be in the news, he isn’t coming back.
If the Jets win, I will draw Robert Saleh as Mr Game and Watch

RAMS @ RAVENS
There’s no team I’ve spent less time thinking about this year than the Rams. They have completely left my brain. Outside Puka Nacua I’m not sure anyone has paid them any attention whatsoever. They might be the most middle-of-the-road franchise in the league right now, Jeff Fisher would be thrilled. So obviously I’m going Ravens.
If the Rams win, I will draw Puka Nacua as Pit

PANTHERS @ SAINTS
David Tepper is making an extremely strong case that I should have more heavily considered him as the Dan Snyder worst owner replacement. Guy is behaving like the worst kind of dumb business-brained owner stereotype. Micromanaging bullshit, pettiness. Do you want a Tepper comic? I feel like I have to make a Tepper comic.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Toon Link

COLTS @ BENGALS
Bengals are kind of in a bad spot. A good team who are probably done for the year, so they are gonna draft like 16th or something. The Colts are trying to make the playoffs so they have something to play for here.
If the Bengals win, I will draw J’aMarr Chase as Isabelle

BUCS @ FALCONS
Looking at the NFC South makes my veins contract and cut off blood flow to my organs in a move of involuntary self defense.
If the Bucs win, I will draw Baker Mayfield as Inkling

JAGUARS @ BROWNS
I guess Jaguars. This game could go any number of ways. The Browns are still a good defense, the Jaguars are inconsistent. I don’t know what to think about this. EDIT As I was writing this Trevor Lawrence got taken off the field so actually, I’m going Browns.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence in the hospital as Zero Suit Samus

LIONS @ BEARS
I want to make it possible to have the Bengals attend this game so I can go Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! The Lions should win but after Jordan Love picked them apart I remain leery of Detroit. If we get good Fields on enough plays some weird shit could happen. Divisional games are fun.
If the Bears win, I will draw Justin Fields as Ness

SEAHAWKS @ 49ERS
The 49ers, healthy and firing on all cylinders, are probably the best team in the NFL until further notice.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Geno Smith as Yoshi

VIKINGS @ RAIDERS
Keep this one on Chaos Watch. Upstart new coach Raiders vs the most chaotic team in the league who are currently playing like butt. I think I’m going to go Raiders.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Josh Dobbs as Captain Olimar

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS
Broncos took a tough L this past week but at least this team has found an identity. The Chargers team identity is *loud scream into a pillow*
If the Chargers win, I will draw Justin Herbert as Pikachu

BILLS @ CHIEFS
It’s funny. Both of these teams are not living up to expectations. The Bills are having a “good team” nightmare year, aka you are a good team and yet everything feels bad. The vibes are bad. The Chiefs vibes are also bad. The Taylor Swift fun has worn off, Mahomes has nobody to throw to outside Kelce, and the defense got gashed by Jordan Love. This game doesn’t look fun anymore. It looks like a matchup of who will disappoint less. I guess Chiefs.
If the Bills win, I will draw Josh Allen as Donkey Kong

EAGLES @ COWBOYS
It is foretold in the ancient texts that a team cannot win the NFCE two years in a row. Alas, after skirting by by the skin of their teeth for weeks, the Eagles were finally exposed. Dallas is very hot. As the prophecies give us guidance, the Cowboys will win this game, win the East, and then probably lose to the Eagles in the divisional round anyway.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Jalen Hurts as Falco

PACKERS @ GIANTS
The Tommy DeVito magic ends this weekend and I will be sad about it. At least Tankers will be thrilled.
If the Giants win, I will draw Tommy Touchdowns DeVito as Mario

TITANS @ DOLPHINS
The Dolphins are the #1 seed right now. If they can somehow schedule all their playoff games to be against bad teams, they are gonna clean up.
If the Titans win, I will draw Derrick Henry as King K Rool

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs as the Ice Climbers falling to their doom